Last week, Mike, my husband and I attended the funeral of the mother of one of our clergy friends. Gladys was a clergy spouse, her husband a retired pastor. We were friends and mourned deeply the loss of this almost 95 year-old matriarch of a beautiful family.
Mike and I were invited to the dinner afterwards, appreciating the hospitality the church offered.
Reflecting on my experience that day, I recalled the words that I have heard since Mike began serving in the Indiana Conference back in 1976: "We are a connectional system." As I grow older, those words appear relevant in new ways. We sat at the dinner with the senior pastor of Mike's first appointment. Dick and his first wife, Phyllis mentored us lovingly during the 2 1/2 years Mike was part of their church. Later, during the service we sat with Peggy, whom we also knew, who was one of the three presiding pastors. Mike and I had mentored her husband, Andy, when he was a member of one of Mike's churches. Andy was a junior and senior in high school at the time. I can still hear the knock on our parsonage door--Andy wanting to talk to Mike about the way he was sensing God's call to ministry. Their visits in the parsonage occurred many times. Mike has been fortunate to serve in one conference during ministry, so our connections are long-lasting and deep.
I am thankful for Gladys' last gift to me--a clearer vision about what it means to be connected to God and connected to each other in ministry.
God, thank you for the ways our lives weave in and out and together in service to you across the miles. Amen.
Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
April 4, 2012
December 5, 2011
Santa Lives in My Town
Liz, a friend of mine, grew up in a small, Midwestern farming community. Here, every year, Santa made the rounds--church, 4H, City Hall, Christmas parade, school. He even visited the homes of the neighbor kids. Liz was always amazed that Santa actually knew who she was and even called her by name, asking how that new lamb was getting along or if she like that new play-kitchen set. After a while, Liz decided that Santa may work at the North Pole, but he lived in her town.
As she got older, Liz visited the big city nearby and was surprised to see that Santa had helpers. But how foolish those kids were, thinking that the helpers were the real Santa. They didn't look anything like the real Santa.
When Liz reached a certain age, she discovered the truer identify of Santa. But that really didn't matter, because whether or not he was dressed up, his eyes still twinkled and his kindness never wained.
Liz has fond memories of Santa. Even though her home is far and years away, her recollections of Christmas intertwine with Santa's warmth and care.
When children see us, hopefully they too will see reflections of incarnated Love.
Grace, Kathy
As she got older, Liz visited the big city nearby and was surprised to see that Santa had helpers. But how foolish those kids were, thinking that the helpers were the real Santa. They didn't look anything like the real Santa.
When Liz reached a certain age, she discovered the truer identify of Santa. But that really didn't matter, because whether or not he was dressed up, his eyes still twinkled and his kindness never wained.
Liz has fond memories of Santa. Even though her home is far and years away, her recollections of Christmas intertwine with Santa's warmth and care.
When children see us, hopefully they too will see reflections of incarnated Love.
Grace, Kathy
September 9, 2011
More In Between Times
As we've been looking for a church, I realize that:
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
July 21, 2011
A Few Sundays Later...
Finding a new church that Mike and I could attend together following retirement has been top priority. We attended another United Methodist church several times during the past year, when Mike took a vacation Sunday. However, the first Sunday after our last Sunday was so difficult. We went to the early service at our new church, and then I told Mike that I needed to go back to 'my church' for one of the services. That idea was fine with him, so off I went -- slipping in after the service began, sitting on a bench against the wall of the sanctuary, and then leaving when the last hymn began. I cried the whole time, wondering if coming back was making the adjustment harder or easier.
During successive Sundays, I have followed the same pattern -- returning for one of the services at 'my church.' I realize that I will have to make the change gradually. I just cannot walk away from people whom I have loved and have loved me for fifteen years. Right now, I have to care for myself and my grief. I know that these feelings are temporary so I am trusting God to give me strength and guidance for the days ahead.
God, there are many clergy families who are experiencing changes -- new appointments bring moves and moves can be challenging. Remind all of us that you are in everything that happens, even grief and change. Increase our awareness of your presence so that at all times we can be nourished in your love. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
During successive Sundays, I have followed the same pattern -- returning for one of the services at 'my church.' I realize that I will have to make the change gradually. I just cannot walk away from people whom I have loved and have loved me for fifteen years. Right now, I have to care for myself and my grief. I know that these feelings are temporary so I am trusting God to give me strength and guidance for the days ahead.
God, there are many clergy families who are experiencing changes -- new appointments bring moves and moves can be challenging. Remind all of us that you are in everything that happens, even grief and change. Increase our awareness of your presence so that at all times we can be nourished in your love. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
July 15, 2011
How's Your New Church?
While I really dislike feeling unsettled, there are some real pluses to moving. For one thing the house begins totally clean and uncluttered. Although in our case, we are still moving all the stuff our girls left behind. And I like meeting new people, even though I miss old friends.
But moving has never been something I look forward to. When I think about it, it is just overwhelming. As I prayed for those of you who moved this year, I remembered the time we moved from our first to our second church (actually there were 4 churches on the circuit with a total membership of over 650). My husband was off at junior high camp leaving me with our 4 week-old baby, and, thankfully, my mother-in-law came to help. Because I was so nervous and excited, I stayed up most of the night before. The move went OK even though the moving van folks were lazy. Our furniture was mostly hand-me-downs and might not have been much to look at, but I certainly didn't want it scratched up. And the moving men didn't take kindly to being directed by a 25 year-old young woman. Believe me, my husband never left me alone to move by myself again. Even so, I grew up a lot that day.
The new parsonage was nicer than the one we left, but the church folks had run out of money and only did part of the needed work. I'm not sure what they thought we would do with carpet rolled up in one of the bedrooms. But since there were only three of us and we didn't need that room anyway, I just closed the door. Looking back, it is both funny and sad--but mostly funny.
If you moved this year, I hope it went well and that you are off to a clean start. Sometimes it's good to start fresh, with renewed hope and faith. Please know that others are praying for you during this time of transition.
Grace, Kathy
But moving has never been something I look forward to. When I think about it, it is just overwhelming. As I prayed for those of you who moved this year, I remembered the time we moved from our first to our second church (actually there were 4 churches on the circuit with a total membership of over 650). My husband was off at junior high camp leaving me with our 4 week-old baby, and, thankfully, my mother-in-law came to help. Because I was so nervous and excited, I stayed up most of the night before. The move went OK even though the moving van folks were lazy. Our furniture was mostly hand-me-downs and might not have been much to look at, but I certainly didn't want it scratched up. And the moving men didn't take kindly to being directed by a 25 year-old young woman. Believe me, my husband never left me alone to move by myself again. Even so, I grew up a lot that day.
The new parsonage was nicer than the one we left, but the church folks had run out of money and only did part of the needed work. I'm not sure what they thought we would do with carpet rolled up in one of the bedrooms. But since there were only three of us and we didn't need that room anyway, I just closed the door. Looking back, it is both funny and sad--but mostly funny.
If you moved this year, I hope it went well and that you are off to a clean start. Sometimes it's good to start fresh, with renewed hope and faith. Please know that others are praying for you during this time of transition.
Grace, Kathy
June 22, 2011
Indiana Annual Conference Highlights
The Indiana Conference ended on June 11th with a beautiful service for those commissioned and those ordained deacon and elder. Mike participated in the elder ordination of Matt Swisher. Matt and his family were part of a church Mike pastored from 1983 to 1989. Matt was three when we first met him. When he decided to become a pastor, we followed his career with special interest. Each person preparing for ordination is assigned a mentor. Matt chose Mike and for the past three years, and they met monthly, talking and sharing whatever Matt needed to discuss. We celebrated the joyous occasion with Matt, his wife Katie, and lots of family from both sides.
Another moment of personal joy, was when the conference introduced and honored those pastors retiring. Each pastor and spouse were seated on the stage. We were introduced and then led down one of two aisles in the vast auditorium. As we were in the aisle, everyone gathered, about 1200 people, stood and clapped for what seemed like forever. Both of us cried as we received this expression of appreciation.
Mike has already had several pastors ask him to preach and fill the pulpit during vacations and other times away. He is also going to work part-time at the YMCA where we work out daily. Although we have found a new church, I am still having difficulty leaving a church that has been home to me for fifteen years. I am depending on God to give me insight and vision for the future.
God, thank you for the joys and challenges of Mike's 39 years of ministry. We have learned from all types of experiences for we knew that you are in everything that happens. Guide our paths in a new way of ministry in your name. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers Indiana
Another moment of personal joy, was when the conference introduced and honored those pastors retiring. Each pastor and spouse were seated on the stage. We were introduced and then led down one of two aisles in the vast auditorium. As we were in the aisle, everyone gathered, about 1200 people, stood and clapped for what seemed like forever. Both of us cried as we received this expression of appreciation.
Mike has already had several pastors ask him to preach and fill the pulpit during vacations and other times away. He is also going to work part-time at the YMCA where we work out daily. Although we have found a new church, I am still having difficulty leaving a church that has been home to me for fifteen years. I am depending on God to give me insight and vision for the future.
God, thank you for the joys and challenges of Mike's 39 years of ministry. We have learned from all types of experiences for we knew that you are in everything that happens. Guide our paths in a new way of ministry in your name. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers Indiana
June 2, 2011
Passing the Stole
My husband, Mike's, last Sunday before retirement is June 26th. The next Sunday, July 3, he and the new pastor will participate in a unique ritual. Mike, at each of the four services, will "pass a stole" to the two new pastors. The church owns a set of green stoles, so Mike, to symbolize the change in leadership, will place a stole on the shoulders of each pastor.
Usually such an exchange is not possible because the old pastor has moved on to a new church in a new town. The congregation, will witness Mike's blessing of the new ministers coming to care for the flock whom he loved so dearly for fifteen years.
God, thank you for the cooperative way that change can occur in your name. Bless all of those who are moving to serve new churches. Guide those who are retiring or taking a leave of absence. Thank you for the opportunity that all of us have to care for those in the kingdom.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
Usually such an exchange is not possible because the old pastor has moved on to a new church in a new town. The congregation, will witness Mike's blessing of the new ministers coming to care for the flock whom he loved so dearly for fifteen years.
God, thank you for the cooperative way that change can occur in your name. Bless all of those who are moving to serve new churches. Guide those who are retiring or taking a leave of absence. Thank you for the opportunity that all of us have to care for those in the kingdom.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
May 9, 2011
Welcoming a New Pastor and Spouse
Mike and I had a unique opportunity Wednesday. We met the new pastor and his wife, Kevin and Joyce. We did not know either one of them as most of Kevin's ministry has been in the southern part of Indiana. They were in Fishers for a few days making arrangements for the home they are building. Mike and I took them to a morning meeting at the church, where they had some time to get to know the staff.
The semi-annual fish/chicken fry also happened to be going on Wednesday evening. So Mike and I decided that if Kevin and Joyce wanted to meet us at 5:00 pm, we would take them to each table and introduce them around. They thought that was a good idea so for an hour and a half, we went from table to table. The four of us didn't sit down until after 7:30.
Mike and I were talking later that evening about how nice it was to let everyone meet Joyce and Kevin. The informal setting allowed Mike to tell stories or relate interesting facts as he made the introductions. I don't know how much Kevin and Joyce will remember, but that is not important. Because they were able to hear remarks like, "We've been praying for you." and "We're excited you are coming." They were able to capture the welcoming spirit of those gathered and to sense the anticipation for new energy and ideas.
How was the experience for me? Well, at times I felt sad as I realized that this is the beginning of the end. I knew that there may not be another chance to see some of these persons, because they attend another service or they may not be able to attend the reception planned for us at the end of June. I heard lots of affirmation and support for Mike's ministry as well as a few comments for myself. And I sense that there is lots of growing that I still need to do before we finally say good-bye. So I am trusting God to care for me and direct my paths.
God, I know that the church will benefit from the new gifts and energy that Kevin and Joyce will bring. I treasure the comments that persons made to Mike and me while we were host and hostess to these new friends. Keep us seeking you at all times. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
The semi-annual fish/chicken fry also happened to be going on Wednesday evening. So Mike and I decided that if Kevin and Joyce wanted to meet us at 5:00 pm, we would take them to each table and introduce them around. They thought that was a good idea so for an hour and a half, we went from table to table. The four of us didn't sit down until after 7:30.
Mike and I were talking later that evening about how nice it was to let everyone meet Joyce and Kevin. The informal setting allowed Mike to tell stories or relate interesting facts as he made the introductions. I don't know how much Kevin and Joyce will remember, but that is not important. Because they were able to hear remarks like, "We've been praying for you." and "We're excited you are coming." They were able to capture the welcoming spirit of those gathered and to sense the anticipation for new energy and ideas.
How was the experience for me? Well, at times I felt sad as I realized that this is the beginning of the end. I knew that there may not be another chance to see some of these persons, because they attend another service or they may not be able to attend the reception planned for us at the end of June. I heard lots of affirmation and support for Mike's ministry as well as a few comments for myself. And I sense that there is lots of growing that I still need to do before we finally say good-bye. So I am trusting God to care for me and direct my paths.
God, I know that the church will benefit from the new gifts and energy that Kevin and Joyce will bring. I treasure the comments that persons made to Mike and me while we were host and hostess to these new friends. Keep us seeking you at all times. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
May 4, 2011
Making a Good Retirement
Mike, my husband, is down to eight weeks until retirement. He is doing much better than I am with the change that is before us. I am really going to miss the people in the congregation. During the past fifteen years, we have grown close to so many families, watching children grow up, get married and then have their own children. Being part of graduations, marriages, baptisms, anniversaries, funerals, and other events that bring meaning to a family have wrapped our hearts in love.
We visited a few churches in our area, but no place seemed to draw us. Maybe we will need to leave our current church before we have energy to invest in another place.
Looking for a new church has also reflected the importance of being a friendly, welcoming church to visitors. A newly created position at church - connection coordinator - began last fall. The young woman hired for this ministry, is aware when visitors attend on Sunday morning. She asks them about their interests and sometimes by the end of the day, she has given their names to the individual concerned with a particular ministry.
One church we attended did connect me with a person in charge of new members. When I told her three different areas of ministry in which I was interested, she forwarded me the three emails she sent to the persons involved. That was a month ago, and I haven't heard anything.
I realize too that I have never had to reach out and find my own path - people always came to me and invited me to various parts of church life.
I was talking recently to a friend at the YMCA whose husband is one of the pastors at a Presbyterian church. Her husband is retiring in two years. Last year, the denomination had a pre-retirement two day retreat. Part of the time was spent dealing with financial aspects of retirement. In addition there were a couple of sessions for pastors and spouses discussing the emotional and spiritual components that retirement will bring.
Although the Indiana Conference has an annual required "Making A Good Move" day and a half program for those moving, there is nothing similar for those retiring. Maybe developing a one day event is something Mike and I can do in retirement.
Needless to say, I need to increase my faith and trust in God for what the future will hold.
God in times of change, help me remember that you are the constant, ever present, ever ready to help. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
We visited a few churches in our area, but no place seemed to draw us. Maybe we will need to leave our current church before we have energy to invest in another place.
Looking for a new church has also reflected the importance of being a friendly, welcoming church to visitors. A newly created position at church - connection coordinator - began last fall. The young woman hired for this ministry, is aware when visitors attend on Sunday morning. She asks them about their interests and sometimes by the end of the day, she has given their names to the individual concerned with a particular ministry.
One church we attended did connect me with a person in charge of new members. When I told her three different areas of ministry in which I was interested, she forwarded me the three emails she sent to the persons involved. That was a month ago, and I haven't heard anything.
I realize too that I have never had to reach out and find my own path - people always came to me and invited me to various parts of church life.
I was talking recently to a friend at the YMCA whose husband is one of the pastors at a Presbyterian church. Her husband is retiring in two years. Last year, the denomination had a pre-retirement two day retreat. Part of the time was spent dealing with financial aspects of retirement. In addition there were a couple of sessions for pastors and spouses discussing the emotional and spiritual components that retirement will bring.
Although the Indiana Conference has an annual required "Making A Good Move" day and a half program for those moving, there is nothing similar for those retiring. Maybe developing a one day event is something Mike and I can do in retirement.
Needless to say, I need to increase my faith and trust in God for what the future will hold.
God in times of change, help me remember that you are the constant, ever present, ever ready to help. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
January 27, 2011
What I Will Miss...
Mike, my husband, will retire after 37 years in ministry on July 1. Last Saturday morning, as I was at my desk, spending some time reflecting before going to the Y, I heard a voice downstairs. I knew Mike was home, but at first I thought he was talking on the phone. However, as I listened, I realized he was practicing his sermon. I should have guessed-- he's been doing that for years.
Then I remembered that when the children were home, they often asked, "Do we have to got to church? We've heard dad practice his sermon at least twice today." The answer to that question was always, "Yes."
There are so many rituals I will miss. The rhythm of the week-- Mike's day off on Thursday, watching him bring the sermon home on Friday, his being wrapped in the bulletin, listening to him practice on Saturday-- rarely scheduling anything social on Saturday night, so Mike can get to bed close to 9, and the peak time of the week, four Sunday services, with a gradual let down when he finally left church close to 1:00 pm Sunday afternoon. I can't imagine listening to anyone else preach. Mike's my favorite. I know the pattern of each sermon, carefully patterned after preaching professors at Duke-- Carlyle Marney and John Bergland.
A big change is on the way, and the one to which I look most forward is sitting next to Mike in church-- something I haven't done for 35 years.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
Then I remembered that when the children were home, they often asked, "Do we have to got to church? We've heard dad practice his sermon at least twice today." The answer to that question was always, "Yes."
There are so many rituals I will miss. The rhythm of the week-- Mike's day off on Thursday, watching him bring the sermon home on Friday, his being wrapped in the bulletin, listening to him practice on Saturday-- rarely scheduling anything social on Saturday night, so Mike can get to bed close to 9, and the peak time of the week, four Sunday services, with a gradual let down when he finally left church close to 1:00 pm Sunday afternoon. I can't imagine listening to anyone else preach. Mike's my favorite. I know the pattern of each sermon, carefully patterned after preaching professors at Duke-- Carlyle Marney and John Bergland.
A big change is on the way, and the one to which I look most forward is sitting next to Mike in church-- something I haven't done for 35 years.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
October 8, 2010
New Life for an Old Robe?
Last spring, Mike, my husband, purchased a new white robe to wear each Sunday. He brought his old robe home and I stuffed it into a box in the garage.
Last weekend I cleaned the garage -- a semi-annual project-- and I found his robe. I washed it. After it dried, I held the cloth close to my heart, thinking about all of the Sunday services, weddings, funerals, baptisms, communions that the robe witnessed. I just couldn't throw it away.
I thought perhaps I might make baptismal outfits for grandchildren yet to be born (our two daughters aren't even interested in marriage at ages 32 and 25), but there isn't enough fabric. I remember the last time he purchased a new robe, I cut twenty-- 4 inch squares, pieced to a little quilt and used it as a prayer cloth when I prayed for Mike.
Since I still have and use the prayer quilt, I need to find another idea. Any thoughts?
God, there are times when objects or clothing become holy because of their use in your kingdom. Guide my hands and thoughts how to preserve in a meaningful way the robe that Mike wore for over twenty years. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
Last weekend I cleaned the garage -- a semi-annual project-- and I found his robe. I washed it. After it dried, I held the cloth close to my heart, thinking about all of the Sunday services, weddings, funerals, baptisms, communions that the robe witnessed. I just couldn't throw it away.
I thought perhaps I might make baptismal outfits for grandchildren yet to be born (our two daughters aren't even interested in marriage at ages 32 and 25), but there isn't enough fabric. I remember the last time he purchased a new robe, I cut twenty-- 4 inch squares, pieced to a little quilt and used it as a prayer cloth when I prayed for Mike.
Since I still have and use the prayer quilt, I need to find another idea. Any thoughts?
God, there are times when objects or clothing become holy because of their use in your kingdom. Guide my hands and thoughts how to preserve in a meaningful way the robe that Mike wore for over twenty years. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
July 22, 2010
Matushka, First Lady, or Something Else?
I usually do not go to the church during the week. However, Monday (July 19) I needed to tell Mike (my husband) about a problem in our bank account, so I stopped by his office. Shortly after I entered the church, I found two men who looked lost. I asked if they needed help. They explained that they were electricians and couldn't find the bathroom that needed new light fixtures.
I led them through the maze of halls, while they proceeded to talk about how they found God a few years ago, and the difference that God made in both of their lives. Somehow, I mentioned that my husband was the pastor.
One of the men said, "Oh my. You are the 'first lady.' You are honored among women". I hardly knew what to say. I had heard the term 'first lady' used for the pastor's spouse before, but no one had ever called me by that term. I stumbled for words to reply, and finally said, "No I am Jacquie, Mike's wife."
Then, I recalled a visit two years ago to upstate New York where I was born. Mike and I attended St. Nicholas Russian Orthodox Church, as my heritage is Greek and Russian Orthodox. I smelled incense the minute I entered the church which quickly brought back so many memories of kissing icons (which I did not like) and crossing myself. The spouse of the priest in an orthodox church has a special name, matushka, which the congregation is proud to call her.
Many, many times, when I am introduced by someone in the congregation to a friend or family member, I hear the words, "This is Jacquie Reed our minister's wife." When Mike first began ministry, I did not like being introduced as 'our minister's wife', because I wanted my own identity (I asked Mike, more than once, "What can't I be introduced as Jacquie Reed, person, period?") and I definitely did not being thought of as an appendage of Mike.
Through the years, however, I realized that nothing I could do , politely and respectfully, would prevent people from introducing me as they had from the beginning. So I decided to embrace these moments, thank God for giving me the opportunity to be Mike's wife, and accept the joy which people convey introducing me as "our minister's wife."
How do persons in the congregation introduce you? Would you like to be called "first lady" or "matushka" (meaning mother) or the "pastor's wife"?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
I led them through the maze of halls, while they proceeded to talk about how they found God a few years ago, and the difference that God made in both of their lives. Somehow, I mentioned that my husband was the pastor.
One of the men said, "Oh my. You are the 'first lady.' You are honored among women". I hardly knew what to say. I had heard the term 'first lady' used for the pastor's spouse before, but no one had ever called me by that term. I stumbled for words to reply, and finally said, "No I am Jacquie, Mike's wife."
Then, I recalled a visit two years ago to upstate New York where I was born. Mike and I attended St. Nicholas Russian Orthodox Church, as my heritage is Greek and Russian Orthodox. I smelled incense the minute I entered the church which quickly brought back so many memories of kissing icons (which I did not like) and crossing myself. The spouse of the priest in an orthodox church has a special name, matushka, which the congregation is proud to call her.
Many, many times, when I am introduced by someone in the congregation to a friend or family member, I hear the words, "This is Jacquie Reed our minister's wife." When Mike first began ministry, I did not like being introduced as 'our minister's wife', because I wanted my own identity (I asked Mike, more than once, "What can't I be introduced as Jacquie Reed, person, period?") and I definitely did not being thought of as an appendage of Mike.
Through the years, however, I realized that nothing I could do , politely and respectfully, would prevent people from introducing me as they had from the beginning. So I decided to embrace these moments, thank God for giving me the opportunity to be Mike's wife, and accept the joy which people convey introducing me as "our minister's wife."
How do persons in the congregation introduce you? Would you like to be called "first lady" or "matushka" (meaning mother) or the "pastor's wife"?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
July 20, 2010
Fresh from Seminary?
Just before my husband graduated from seminary, the faculty wives set up a time to meet with the student wives. It was outdated, even in the 1970s, because about one third of seminary students were women, including me--now, it is more than half. But I went to their meeting, thinking that I'd be nice, and, besides, I was curious to see who was married to whom.
It was a very informatative meeting, but I hardly thought it could ever apply to me. After all, they were talking about the old days. Things weren't that way anymore. Then my husband and I were appointed to his first church. Boy, was I wrong. We moved to a county-seat town, but we might as well have moved to a third-world country as far as I was concerned. Please don't misunderstand, but we did suffer. The house was not well heated, food was scarce on our table, and there was no viable place for me to get a job. Sure, there were good times and fond memories--thank God-- but there was plenty of bad stuff too.
But our DS wife, Mary Morris, was a godsend. She befriended me as she did so many others. And at the time, I made a promise to help new wives too. I surely don't want anyone to go through what we did in that parsonage.
There are things you can do and there are people you can trust to help. If you don't need a willing ear, there are others who do. We all know new pastor families in our area. Join me and take the time to give them a call or welcome them with a batch of cookies.
Kathy
It was a very informatative meeting, but I hardly thought it could ever apply to me. After all, they were talking about the old days. Things weren't that way anymore. Then my husband and I were appointed to his first church. Boy, was I wrong. We moved to a county-seat town, but we might as well have moved to a third-world country as far as I was concerned. Please don't misunderstand, but we did suffer. The house was not well heated, food was scarce on our table, and there was no viable place for me to get a job. Sure, there were good times and fond memories--thank God-- but there was plenty of bad stuff too.
But our DS wife, Mary Morris, was a godsend. She befriended me as she did so many others. And at the time, I made a promise to help new wives too. I surely don't want anyone to go through what we did in that parsonage.
There are things you can do and there are people you can trust to help. If you don't need a willing ear, there are others who do. We all know new pastor families in our area. Join me and take the time to give them a call or welcome them with a batch of cookies.
Kathy
June 25, 2010
Loving and Being Loved by Special People in the Church
Today, Mike, (my husband) had the funeral for 80 year-old Betty, a beloved and longtime member of the congregation. Betty fell last week and broke her hip. Unfortunately, her body did not respond well to the anesthetic, and she died three days later.
I am so sad that Betty died -- in fact, I told Mike that I had to see her at the funeral home before I could believe she was gone.
Betty never missed church. She and her friend, Mary, folded the bulletins every Friday. Betty was one of the leaders of the quilting group that met Monday afternoon. When I occasionally visited the quilters, Betty was always so eager to show me her latest project.
Betty, however, was one of my energizing persons. It seems that every Sunday I have numerous people come and weigh me down, telling me about their challenges. I like to welcome these people, but sometimes I leave church exhausted. Betty also came to me every Sunday. I began asking her about her latest quilting project, and once she told me that her daughter was also named Jackie, that sealed our friendship.
What makes Betty stand out for me is that she always asked what I was doing. She was interested in me as a person. She knew that I was interested in her and she reciprocated. Not many people do that.
Last Sunday I kept looking for Betty in "her pew." I looked for her after church. I just couldn't believe that "my energizer Betty" was gone. I'll really miss Betty for her gift of presence to me. There have been so few through the years that stand out in the way she did.
May God comfort her family and friends who mourn her passing.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
I am so sad that Betty died -- in fact, I told Mike that I had to see her at the funeral home before I could believe she was gone.
Betty never missed church. She and her friend, Mary, folded the bulletins every Friday. Betty was one of the leaders of the quilting group that met Monday afternoon. When I occasionally visited the quilters, Betty was always so eager to show me her latest project.
Betty, however, was one of my energizing persons. It seems that every Sunday I have numerous people come and weigh me down, telling me about their challenges. I like to welcome these people, but sometimes I leave church exhausted. Betty also came to me every Sunday. I began asking her about her latest quilting project, and once she told me that her daughter was also named Jackie, that sealed our friendship.
What makes Betty stand out for me is that she always asked what I was doing. She was interested in me as a person. She knew that I was interested in her and she reciprocated. Not many people do that.
Last Sunday I kept looking for Betty in "her pew." I looked for her after church. I just couldn't believe that "my energizer Betty" was gone. I'll really miss Betty for her gift of presence to me. There have been so few through the years that stand out in the way she did.
May God comfort her family and friends who mourn her passing.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
May 6, 2010
The rest of the story...
Dear Friends, Here is the rest of Faith's story.
I have experienced the other side of the death of a pastor. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband was preaching one Sunday; the next Sunday he was dying; and by the next Sunday, he had been laid to rest. What followed was beyond belief... in or out of the church!
Here are some of the events: I felt led to speak that next Sunday due to speculation, rumors, and misinformation about his death. I just wanted everyone to know what really happened. I was told through my husband's secretary that the D.S. said unless I had completed a Lay Speaking Class, I could NOT speak. Although my husband had had me speak and I often helped with Mother's Day, Children's Sabbath, graduation, and other special services. I had also been his unpaid assistant for many years and had done all his computer communication. I had been a partner in his ministry and spent many hours with him in his church offices.
But I DID speak at both our churches that next Sunday. I felt it would help with the grieving process if they knew the truth. I tried to reach out to members of our congregations and offered to have small group meetings to share memories and loss. I am so appreciative to the 8 people from one of our churches that were kind and caring to me and his children. However, we did NOT have one meal offered or brought to the parsonage. I DID NOT receive condolence cards from them.
Thankfully, we received tons from past members, family, and friends. Although I attended church there for several months, I was basically ignored. I called the Trustees and offered to do a walk-through with them before moving from the parsonage. I cleaned the whole place , so it was spotless; and I donated beautiful furniture that was needed to furnish the parsonage and home office. I made notes of any small repairs. I added those to the same list my husband had given them during the annual walk-through that had not yet been addressed.
Then the interim pastor came. He emptied the church office of all my husband's belongings. He did not ask me if that would be helpful or if I wanted him to. The next week, I found the boxes in a Sunday School room. There was nothing in the bulletin. There was nothing said on Sunday morning. It was as if my husband had never been there. The new pastor never called us or visited me. He did not acknowledge our existence or our grief. He even opened my husband's personal mail. I finally had a meeting with him and his wife. He admitted he had never followed a death like this in his 40+years of ministry. Lord knows, I could certainly tell that. But to this day I don't understand it. I wouldn't be treated like that in the "world."
Faith
Kathy adds: Many churches do not realize how much pastors and their families depend on them for support. While we are there, we are part of the church family. As Faith said, you love them, weep with them, celebrate with them--you bond. If you don't bond with the congregation, ministry doesn't really work. Many churches don't realize that we may feel simply cast-off after we leave and those bonds are broken; and it's hard to understand how on one day you are an essential part of the family and the next day you're not. It's hard to understand that some of your friends were only friends of the pastor's spouse and not really yours at all.
When we started out in ministry, more experienced spouses told me that you can't really have friends in the congregation. While that may be a bit of an overstatement, it is largely and sadly true. That is one reason for this blog. Through it, we hope that you will feel heard, understood, and a part of the Church family.
Kathy
I have experienced the other side of the death of a pastor. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband was preaching one Sunday; the next Sunday he was dying; and by the next Sunday, he had been laid to rest. What followed was beyond belief... in or out of the church!
Here are some of the events: I felt led to speak that next Sunday due to speculation, rumors, and misinformation about his death. I just wanted everyone to know what really happened. I was told through my husband's secretary that the D.S. said unless I had completed a Lay Speaking Class, I could NOT speak. Although my husband had had me speak and I often helped with Mother's Day, Children's Sabbath, graduation, and other special services. I had also been his unpaid assistant for many years and had done all his computer communication. I had been a partner in his ministry and spent many hours with him in his church offices.
But I DID speak at both our churches that next Sunday. I felt it would help with the grieving process if they knew the truth. I tried to reach out to members of our congregations and offered to have small group meetings to share memories and loss. I am so appreciative to the 8 people from one of our churches that were kind and caring to me and his children. However, we did NOT have one meal offered or brought to the parsonage. I DID NOT receive condolence cards from them.
Thankfully, we received tons from past members, family, and friends. Although I attended church there for several months, I was basically ignored. I called the Trustees and offered to do a walk-through with them before moving from the parsonage. I cleaned the whole place , so it was spotless; and I donated beautiful furniture that was needed to furnish the parsonage and home office. I made notes of any small repairs. I added those to the same list my husband had given them during the annual walk-through that had not yet been addressed.
Then the interim pastor came. He emptied the church office of all my husband's belongings. He did not ask me if that would be helpful or if I wanted him to. The next week, I found the boxes in a Sunday School room. There was nothing in the bulletin. There was nothing said on Sunday morning. It was as if my husband had never been there. The new pastor never called us or visited me. He did not acknowledge our existence or our grief. He even opened my husband's personal mail. I finally had a meeting with him and his wife. He admitted he had never followed a death like this in his 40+years of ministry. Lord knows, I could certainly tell that. But to this day I don't understand it. I wouldn't be treated like that in the "world."
Faith
Kathy adds: Many churches do not realize how much pastors and their families depend on them for support. While we are there, we are part of the church family. As Faith said, you love them, weep with them, celebrate with them--you bond. If you don't bond with the congregation, ministry doesn't really work. Many churches don't realize that we may feel simply cast-off after we leave and those bonds are broken; and it's hard to understand how on one day you are an essential part of the family and the next day you're not. It's hard to understand that some of your friends were only friends of the pastor's spouse and not really yours at all.
When we started out in ministry, more experienced spouses told me that you can't really have friends in the congregation. While that may be a bit of an overstatement, it is largely and sadly true. That is one reason for this blog. Through it, we hope that you will feel heard, understood, and a part of the Church family.
Kathy
May 4, 2010
When the Church Fails to be the Body of Christ
I have lots of friends. REAL friends. Christlike friends. Friends in the "world." But how did our church treat us...Christlike? Don't think so. Certainly didn't feel like it.
After my husband died, the children felt their Dad had given his heart and life to ministry and for what? Why didn't we have a pastor when we needed one? We had certainly shared ours when he was needed. We had tried to be there for others at their most difficult times. We had ached when they ached. Now, we were totally devastated. Where were the members of his/our congregation? NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
Well... I packed and moved with no help from any of them. Not a word. NO offer to pay for my move although it would be required if we were BOTH moving. Thankfully, I was only moving about 10 miles to my own home. Thankfully, I had loving members from a previous appointment that helped me move. They were happy to help. They knew how much I loved my husband. How much he loved me. How devastating it was. They loved him and they loved me, too. I will never forget them and their kindnesses. They called me every month on the anniversary of his death. They let me cry. They listened. They cried with me. Now... they were able to be Christlike.
Thank you, God for sending them, for using them to be your heart, your hands, your ears.
GOD HAS REVEALED SO MUCH TO ME DURING THIS EXPERIENCE: We can't give what we don't have to give. We can't accurately judge another. Don't try! Do not repay like with like. Allow God to be God. Let nothing about this be wasted.
PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!
Faith
After my husband died, the children felt their Dad had given his heart and life to ministry and for what? Why didn't we have a pastor when we needed one? We had certainly shared ours when he was needed. We had tried to be there for others at their most difficult times. We had ached when they ached. Now, we were totally devastated. Where were the members of his/our congregation? NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
Well... I packed and moved with no help from any of them. Not a word. NO offer to pay for my move although it would be required if we were BOTH moving. Thankfully, I was only moving about 10 miles to my own home. Thankfully, I had loving members from a previous appointment that helped me move. They were happy to help. They knew how much I loved my husband. How much he loved me. How devastating it was. They loved him and they loved me, too. I will never forget them and their kindnesses. They called me every month on the anniversary of his death. They let me cry. They listened. They cried with me. Now... they were able to be Christlike.
Thank you, God for sending them, for using them to be your heart, your hands, your ears.
GOD HAS REVEALED SO MUCH TO ME DURING THIS EXPERIENCE: We can't give what we don't have to give. We can't accurately judge another. Don't try! Do not repay like with like. Allow God to be God. Let nothing about this be wasted.
PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!
Faith
February 10, 2010
I don't have to be perfect.
When I became a pastor's wife fifty years ago, it was with great admiration for the position. I knew very little about the parsonage life that I thought was suppose to be perfect. And since I thought that marriage would be perfect, as was our touchy/feeling love in the years we dated, my self esteem was no worry at all! I would be smiling and always the happy minister's wife.
I soon discovered we were like most people. Ups and downs were common, but maybe unlike a lot of others, we tried to smooth all things over before we left the parsonage on Sunday. We knew about forgiveness, of course, and tried to make that the center. But my self esteem was tied up in that -- trying to make it work. Who was I anyway? I worked very hard, but it took a toll on my self-esteem. Now, however, I know the importance of healing past hurts that follow us throughout life.
When I became a born-again Christian at 32 years old (12 year after marrying my preacher), I was a new person. My self-esteem was now tied to living a Christ-filled life. That is true freedom. And as Jesus promised, he gave me "abundant life." So today when I fall, I know Who will help me up and guide me to try again. God is utterly dependable. Living in true freedom gives me strength, and I don't have to worry about self-esteem.
Lucy Neeley Adams www.52hymns.com
I soon discovered we were like most people. Ups and downs were common, but maybe unlike a lot of others, we tried to smooth all things over before we left the parsonage on Sunday. We knew about forgiveness, of course, and tried to make that the center. But my self esteem was tied up in that -- trying to make it work. Who was I anyway? I worked very hard, but it took a toll on my self-esteem. Now, however, I know the importance of healing past hurts that follow us throughout life.
When I became a born-again Christian at 32 years old (12 year after marrying my preacher), I was a new person. My self-esteem was now tied to living a Christ-filled life. That is true freedom. And as Jesus promised, he gave me "abundant life." So today when I fall, I know Who will help me up and guide me to try again. God is utterly dependable. Living in true freedom gives me strength, and I don't have to worry about self-esteem.
Lucy Neeley Adams www.52hymns.com
January 8, 2010
Soul Cleaning
I got up this morning and went to my desk which overlooks the woods behind the back yard. It was still dark and snow was falling. The temperature was ten degrees with the wind chill eight below. I immediately thought of one of my favorite hymns, "In The Bleak Midwinter," written by Christina Rosetti in 1872 (based on Luke 2:8-14). Gustav Holst, wrote the music in 1906. The first verse captured the scene framed by the window:
In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.
It is indeed, the bleak midwinter, with more snow and cold temperatures predicted for Wednesday and Thursday. There is something introspective about this time of year --the perfect opportunity to travel within visiting our heart or soul or whatever name you give to the place where God resides. It's perfect for soul cleaning, and clearing , getting rid of old thoughts, old patterns of responding to life which were helpful at some time, but not now. Getting rid of that clutter opens big spaces for new thoughts, ideas, and insights to enter and illumine paths which previously were clouded. God thank you for the bleak midwinter when you show your quiet side. Guide us to find your quiet side in us as we sort out the old and make a place for new living in your light. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, spiritual director, Stephen Minister, lives in Fishers, Indiana. jreed46038@hotmail.com
In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.
It is indeed, the bleak midwinter, with more snow and cold temperatures predicted for Wednesday and Thursday. There is something introspective about this time of year --the perfect opportunity to travel within visiting our heart or soul or whatever name you give to the place where God resides. It's perfect for soul cleaning, and clearing , getting rid of old thoughts, old patterns of responding to life which were helpful at some time, but not now. Getting rid of that clutter opens big spaces for new thoughts, ideas, and insights to enter and illumine paths which previously were clouded. God thank you for the bleak midwinter when you show your quiet side. Guide us to find your quiet side in us as we sort out the old and make a place for new living in your light. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, spiritual director, Stephen Minister, lives in Fishers, Indiana. jreed46038@hotmail.com
December 24, 2009
The Live Nativity
One of my favorite Christmas memories happened when my husband, Mike, pastored a church on the southside of Indianapolis. Every year, the church had a live nativity. Adults and children were able to participate in this ministry to the community. People signed up for half hour shifts which lasted from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm.
The parsonage was right next to the church, so we had the responsibility to feed the two sheep who were part of the scene. The children looked forward to having these animals every year. A couple of the men built a pen next to the church where the sheep could stay sheltered from the wind. One year the children decided that the sheep needed names. They decided on "Bee" and "Baa". We took pictures of the sheep and of the children with their favorite animals. We talked about "Bee" and "Baa" all year. Of course, we couldn't tell if the same sheep returned every year, but that didn't matter, because they were still "Bee" and "Baa".
I was Mary in December, 1984, when I was eight months pregnant with Anna, the youngest daughter. Mike, was Joseph, and Sarah, the oldest daughter was an angel. I could really identify with Mary that year. Then there was the year that Mike was Joseph, I was a woman passing by the manger, and the children were angels. These were fun days, especially since each shift concluded with cookies and hot chocolate in the church basement.
All of us looked forward to the live nativity each year and our participation helped make the events in Bethlehem very real and personal.
Jacquie Reed is a spiritual director, Stephen Minister, in Fishers, Indiana.
The parsonage was right next to the church, so we had the responsibility to feed the two sheep who were part of the scene. The children looked forward to having these animals every year. A couple of the men built a pen next to the church where the sheep could stay sheltered from the wind. One year the children decided that the sheep needed names. They decided on "Bee" and "Baa". We took pictures of the sheep and of the children with their favorite animals. We talked about "Bee" and "Baa" all year. Of course, we couldn't tell if the same sheep returned every year, but that didn't matter, because they were still "Bee" and "Baa".
I was Mary in December, 1984, when I was eight months pregnant with Anna, the youngest daughter. Mike, was Joseph, and Sarah, the oldest daughter was an angel. I could really identify with Mary that year. Then there was the year that Mike was Joseph, I was a woman passing by the manger, and the children were angels. These were fun days, especially since each shift concluded with cookies and hot chocolate in the church basement.
All of us looked forward to the live nativity each year and our participation helped make the events in Bethlehem very real and personal.
Jacquie Reed is a spiritual director, Stephen Minister, in Fishers, Indiana.
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