What Pastor Spouses Want Their Congregations to Know

As some of us will be moving to new churches, it might be worth considering what you want your congregation to know. Here's my list. You might have a different one.

1. I don't play the piano. Might wish I did, but I don't.
2. I am not an extension of my spouse. I have my own views and convictions.
3. I don't carry messages to my spouse. For one reason, I might forget, but the other reason is that if you want to tell the pastor something, don't drag me into it.
4. You can talk to me about something other than the church.
5. Our children are our children. But please be sensitive to them, because they live in a glass house.
6. Don't come to visit me without calling in advance.
7. Criticism about the church or my spouse even if "given in love," is still criticism.
8. Christian people do not hurt their pastor by hurting me or the children. This happens more than you know.
9. I am not a co-pastor. Don't count on me to help on every committee or attend every church event.
10. I really do love the church, but I'm not married to it. Really.
11. I did not take a vow of poverty when my spouse decided to become a pastor. I appreciate and expect a fair salary as much as you do.
12. I really do appreciate all your support and have received many unexpected gifts of friendship.

I don't share all of these things immediately when going to a new place, because in time they will all come up naturally anyway. But I do stick to these principles and found the church people, not only understand, but appreciate knowing.

Blessings on you.
Kathy

"Someone" Is Unhappy!

You might think that after being in ministry for a while, a spouse would be able to handle this situation. Sorry to say that the learning curve for me is just too steep.

Last night at a prayer meeting, a person voiced the concern that "someone" (She didn't name them.) was upset and feeling pushed out. She didn't not want to mention names and she didn't. She really did want us to pray for our church. Naturally, we don't want anyone to feel unwelcome or alienated.

But even with her good intentions, the bomb had been thrown. Everyone reacted. Some just wanted to help. Some were curious. But we all were confused. Who could it be? And more seriously, what should we do?

I supposed that it may point to our lack of faith that we didn't think praying about it was enough. So we pressed her. Who are these people anyway and why are they upset? Then she replied and this is what shocked all of us. She said that we should just know. Couldn't we look around and see who wasn't there?

Really? We have over 800 members in our church. Three services. And lots of new people.

But yes, she said we should know already. Maybe she is right. If the church is our family, we'd notice who didn't show up for dinner. But there are so many and the vast majority attend twice a month. I'm still learning names and I've been there for seven years.

Then it hit me, she  expected that the pastor should also know. It was then that I started feeling annoyed. How many times have I heard (here and elsewhere) that people aren't happy and that was the pastor's fault. Why is the pastor responsible for the personal happiness of the members of the congregation? The pastor's job is not to make people happy or keep them from being upset. If people are upset it is their responsibility to speak out. Maybe they had, but who could know?

I care a lot about our prayer group, but it is times like these that I feel the special weight of being the pastor's spouse. There are so many unspoken expectations--some fair, others not.

Perhaps you have an opinion. What would you do?

Grace, Kathy

Having to Stand in Line to Speak to Your Spouse

Who are the go-to people in your church? Who do you ask when the bathroom light needs replacing, when the sidewalk needs more salt, when the heat isn't working right, when the Christmas Eve service will start? Actually, I've had all of these questions in the last week. My answer? "I really don't know, ask the custodian, ask the trustees, ask the choir director, ask the pastor." I am not the go-to person!

A woman in our congregation drove this point home to me yet again. I was actually in the office standing in line to speak to my husband, when she poked her head in the office door, saw my husband was busy and thought she'd just ask me. The question had something to do with putting her mother on the prayer list. (Yes, important.) Would I see that my husband did this? And she left! I had to leave too, because I saw that he was never going to get to me and I had places to be. And if you're wondering, I did leave him a note about the prayer request. But there were about 5 other people in the office at the same time. Did she ask them? No, she asked me.

I'm happy that people feel that I'm approachable and compassionate, but I'm not on staff and I'm privy to no special information; and certainly I don't know where the extra light bulbs are.

But while I protest at not being a go-to person, people regularly think the pastor's spouse is just that. Like it or not, we are often seen as an extension of our pastor spouse. Some people in the congregation believe that saying something to us is like saying it directly to the pastor.And it has happened that a person feared saying something to my husband or they were angry at him, so they said it to me (and on rare occasions, my children). While you may like this or have a need to be needed, I don't. And I make as clear as possible that I don't carry messages to my husband. One reason is that if it's not written down, I'll forget and get it mixed up. But people assume that you know them, their story, their family, their problems; I don't. I may just see these folks once a month at best. But they assume that the connection they have with my husband, they can have with me. And they don't.

Most of the time, I smile and try to be as gracious as possible. But I'm also firm that I am not the right person to ask. I keep my boundaries. If I don't, there are always some people who are willing to set my boundaries with only themselves in mind. And I tried to teach my kids the same thing. That may be one reason that my kids still have a relationship with the church while other PKs just walk away and never look back.

As I reread this, it sounds a little harsh. Sorry, but this is a pet peeve. Perhaps you handle these situations better. If so, I'd love to hear from you.

Grace, Kathy

Scheduling Meetings on the Pastor's Day Off

I should be over this by now, but it bothers me that church people do not respect the pastor's day(s) off.

Yes, yes, I realize that there are emergencies. I understand that. But in the last couple of months, the church has scheduled multiple meetings and expects my husband to attend. In fact,  my husband (the pastor) has even scheduled some of the meetings himself. His comment to me is that this is an exceptional time of year--budgeting and the stewardship ministry kick-off. Naturally, those are vital. But it just seems that there is always something "vital" going on.

Now that our kids are on their own, I'm not bothered as much. But it makes it very hard to plan for us to do something together when I never know if there is a meeting or some other event planned.

Other minister's wives and husbands have told me that their spouse may not take any time off at all, so I guess I'm fortunate in that regard. And he is better than he used to be about having to go to all the meetings. My husband takes 2 non-consecutive weekdays off, but often times, he is planning or studying or going to Conference meetings on those days. And of course, it also doesn't count emergencies like funerals or hospital visits for emergency surgeries. And while he may "take off" 2 days, he works, on average, 7:00 am to 10:00 pm on all the other days. He does this, in part, because he's just that kind of person and would work that hard no matter what kind of job he had, but the church is only too willing to enable him.

You must also know that our church has about 800 members and there is no associate. I've jokingly said to some of the Staff Parish Committee folks that they are killing my husband and need to hire an associate. Actually many of them agree, but aren't moved sufficiently to do something about it.

On the other hand, our church is doing very well. It is a bright spot on the landscape of other churches that are declining. We continue to have many new members and meet our budget. And there are plans for expansion. I have no doubt that my spouse's leadership is largely responsible; and I imagine that when my husband stands before St. Peter, he will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

So, I support my husband and do not complain--unless it gets too bad. But how many of us spouses are in a similar position? We want the church to thrive, but at what cost?

Grace, Kathy

Healing the Hurt

            Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to go on the Walk to Emmaus, and I expected that when I went on this retreat that God would do work in me.  I was surprised, however, that it hurt.

            My dad was a United Methodist pastor, and a very good one at that, as well as a doting father. God had done innumerable wonderful things for countless numbers of people through him, and I have always been proud to be his daughter. I wasn’t in the habit of giving much thought to what the fruitfulness of his ministry had actually cost me. In my mind, I had gained a tremendous upbringing, full of prayers and full of Christ!  On this retreat, I was surprised when this is what God brought up – an awareness of the cost.  As an itinerating family, it had cost me a stable upbringing in a community that knew me from birth and loved me.  We went from church to church, and the church where we were the longest had been a church in which I never really fit in.  In every church and through every move, God did amazing work in the lives of other people, but each move cut into my development in negative ways.

            Now my husband is a United Methodist pastor, and I continue in the life of moving.  In his 8 years of ministry, we have moved 3 times.  Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night with a terrible sense of disorientation, sensing the tremendous disconnect I have from any one community anywhere on the planet.  And wherever we move, it seems I am surrounded by people who have lived in the community forever, whose parents live there, whose grandparents live there, whose childhood friends live there with their children who now play together.  Even people who have moved away from those communities still get to return on occasion.  There is a cost.

            It was at Emmaus that God brought these things to the forefront of my mind, and I cried and prayed, wound exposed.  It was then that God began to apply the balm.  God’s plan for the fullness of time – the goal of the universe – is to draw all things together into a unity with God that is so close that Jesus speaks of it in terms of his unity to the Father (Ephesians 1:10; John 17:21).  When we draw close to God, we inevitably draw close to others into the only community that is truly forever.  “In me you will lack nothing,” God whispered to my spirit.  “My gift to you is ineffable.”  God wants us all there!

            In the Congo there grew beautiful acacia trees with lovely flowers and leaves.  There were birds that attacked the food supply of the community at one point, and the people needed arrows to shoot the birds down.  And so it was decided that they would use the wood of the acacia trees to make arrows.  To do this, the tree’s flowers and leaves had to be cut off.  The God-given beauty of the branches, the parts of the tree essential for its health and well-being, were discarded.  Then, with its flowers and leaves gone, the branch went through the whittling process, all for the sake of producing a straight, well-balanced arrow.  To become an arrow cost the plant something good, something that other trees got to keep.  But the arrows produced by the acacia were deadly weapons against the threats to the community in the hands of skilled archers.  Was I willing to let my flowers and leaves fall so that my family could be a dreaded weapon in the hands of God, whose aim never falls short?  

            The cost is real.  But so is the gain, for me and for others.  In him I lack nothing, and his gift to me is ineffable.  For the sake of drawing many into this gift, I am privileged to be an arrow in his hands.  And, amazingly, it becomes my joy.

Anonymous 

Itineracy as a Spiritual Discipline

Many years ago (1976)  when my husband, Mike, received his first appointment after completing seminary at Duke,  we knew we would live in many places. We accepted the reality of moving every few years. We knew that God was with us wherever we landed. We were aware that God would mold us and grow us closer to God and to each other as we developed relationships with   people in each church and 

We never questioned a move. We accepted itineracy as part of ministry. We sought God for strength and courage with each church.

I hear a lot of discussion  with seminary students, clergy and clergy spouses, who want to put 'guidelines' on  itineracy and what he/she will accept in an appointment. Some of these restrictions are related to a spouse's employment, a child's grade in school, or various other factors. I often want to say, "Trusting God is part of an appointment. God will provide as needed. Every appointment provides a place to increase faith and dependency on God."  

Twice during Mike's years of service, I had opportunities for professional advancement. One job I had to decline, because we were moving. The other job, in a different town, I  sought for six  years. Finally, there was an opening, for which I applied and was hired. We found out we were moving three months into the  job. I was, of course, disappointed, as was Mike. However I trusted and had faith that God would provide employment in the new community. Shortly after we moved, I received a new position , which combined aspects of the job I had to decline and the job I had to leave. I was so grateful.  

Last week I met with a dear friend whose husband is a district superintendent in the Indiana Conference.  (The North and South Conferences merged a few years ago.) She explained that during a recent seminary visit, her husband spoke with students about itineracy as a spiritual discipline--interesting thought.

Spiritual disciplines are various  practices  that can increase faith and trust in God, as well as expand or open one's heart to the possibilities of growth and opportunity to love and serve in the kingdom. I am so thankful for the way my walk with God has developed each place we've lived. I cannot imagine declining or limiting an opportunity to see how God can act and provide. I left each church Mike pastored a different person--closer to God and deeper knowledge of myself.  

I completely agree with my friend's husband. Perhaps itineracy needs to be added to the list of spiritual disciplines that can draw us closer to God. Jesus' ministry was itinerant. However, times are different than in 1976 when Mike began. What remains the same, however, is the importance  of  seeking God for all needs--for trusting God at all times--and having faith that God WILL provide no matter where one lives.

Jacquie Reed 

Fishers, Indiana

Grace in the Midst of Conflict

Like many young families in ministry, we have had times when my husband was appointed to a church as an associate pastor. For many families, these are some of the best years in ministry – less pressure because there is a senior minister who has the weightier responsibilities, the chance to be mentored by a seasoned clergy/clergy spouse, the ability to focus on a particular kind of ministry rather than administration. For other families, the years as an associate pastor are a tremendous struggle – senior ministers that micro-manage or are unwilling to share the pulpit, congregations that ask when the pastor is going to visit as the associate is walking out of a parishioner’s door after a visit, being stuck with the responsibilities that nobody else is willing to do. 

Being the spouse of the associate pastor when things aren’t going so well can be tough.  I sometimes found it hard to sit in church and be open to the senior pastor’s message when I knew what was going on behind the scenes. All I could think about was the most recent conflict in which it seemed like my husband had once again gotten the short end of the stick. It was also sometimes awkward. The few occasions when I was alone with the senior pastor were sometimes uncomfortable because we both knew that there was animosity in the air. 

            However, in the midst of what was one of the most stressful times in ministry was one very bright spot. The spouse of the senior pastor was incredibly gracious and kind to both me and my husband throughout that period. I am sure she was as aware as I was of the conflict going on between our husbands. Yet she always greeted us warmly and never let it stand in the way of our friendship.  As the “junior” and still very inexperienced clergy-spouse, I felt powerless to do anything to make the tension better, but she extended tremendous grace to me and my family. She set the tone for how we all conducted ourselves even in the midst of conflict. Her efforts built the one and only bridge that allows our two families to have any sort of positive relationship to this day. 

If you are reading this and you are the “junior” spouse, I hope you will focus on the positive relationships that will help get you through this time. If you are the “senior” spouse, know that you have the ability to build and even repair relationships in ways that your pastor-spouse cannot. Your reaching out can have a positive affect that will last throughout the lifetime of someone else’s ministry.

Julie

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Christmas Eve Chaos

My first Christmas Eve as the spouse of a solo pastor was 6 years ago. The couple of months leading up to Christmas had been a whirlwind and I was looking forward to Christmas in the hopes that it would afford me a chance to stop and catch my breath. We had received news at the end of October that my husband was being appointed to a church and that we needed to be ready to move into the new parsonage by early December. The flurry of packing and goodbyes began almost immediately and our heads were still spinning when the moving truck pulled up to our new parsonage just 5 weeks after being told that we were moving. We found ourselves in a place that, at that time, felt very foreign and was several hours away from our families.

We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.

I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.

Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.

What about that hot chocolate?

Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.

Julie

Connected to God -- Connected to Each Other

Last week, Mike, my husband and I attended the funeral of the mother of one of our clergy friends. Gladys was a clergy spouse, her husband a retired pastor. We were friends and mourned deeply the loss of this almost 95 year-old matriarch of a beautiful family.

Mike and I were invited to the dinner afterwards, appreciating the hospitality the church offered.

Reflecting on my experience that day, I recalled the words that I have heard since Mike began serving in the Indiana Conference back in 1976: "We are a connectional system." As I grow older, those words appear relevant in new ways. We sat at the dinner with the senior pastor of Mike's first appointment. Dick and his first wife, Phyllis mentored us lovingly during the 2 1/2 years Mike was part of their church. Later, during the service we sat with Peggy, whom we also knew, who was one of the three presiding pastors. Mike and I had mentored her husband, Andy, when he was a member of one of Mike's churches. Andy was a junior and senior in high school at the time. I can still hear the knock on our parsonage door--Andy wanting to talk to Mike about the way he was sensing God's call to ministry. Their visits in the parsonage occurred many times. Mike has been fortunate to serve in one conference during ministry, so our connections are long-lasting and deep.

I am thankful for Gladys' last gift to me--a clearer vision about what it means to be connected to God and connected to each other in ministry.

God, thank you for the ways our lives weave in and out and together in service to you across the miles. Amen.

Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana

Boundaries: What Do You Do?

Last week I was talking with a friend, whose husband is a pastor. She explained a situation with someone at her church, which left her feeling uncomfortable and perplexed. She described how a leader in the church, comes to her, places his hands on her shoulders and massages gently. He does this with other women too. She does not know if she should say anything to this man--she fears angering him--with possible repercussion to her husband, in a fairly recent appointment.

Interestingly, I had a similar experience a few days ago. I was a presenter at a district event. I entered the church, and was talking to a few people in the hallway. The pastor of the church, whom I do not know, came to me, wrapped his arms around me, got right in my face, and said, 'Can I help you find your room?' I was astonished. I stepped away quickly from his "embrace" and said,"No I know where to go."

Maintaining appropriate boundaries in a church can be very delicate for a pastor/spouse/family and a congregation.

How do others handle such situations?

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

General Conference Information

This year's General Conference promises to bring needed changes. Even though I have heard this many times before, I remain hopeful that the changes will be helpful. I promise these changes, if adopted, will effect you and your family. See the information about appointments, pension, power of the bishops, in particular.

With 87 days left until 2012 General Conference begins in Tampa, Fla., several resources to help prepare for the UMC's every-four-year lawmaking session are now available. An overview of issues presented at a recent Pre-General Conference News Briefing, an overview of the restructuring legislation that will go before the assembly and videos of the Pre-General Conference News Briefing are available. The Advance Edition of the Daily Christian Advocate, the official journal of General Conference, is now online and available for download. The advance contains all the legislation submitted for consideration by the delegates.

For more information, go to:
http://www.umc.org/site/c.lwL4KnN1LtH/b.6171105/k.1E2E/General_Conference_2012.htm

Grace, Kathy

Ministry for Clergy Spouses

"Be Still" is a ministry in the Indiana Conference for clergy spouses who need a listening ear or a word of encouragement. I am putting together an information booklet to use with the program. I wonder if there are other conferences which have a booklet or information pamphlet given to clergy spouses when his/her spouse begins ministry?

If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.

God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Are You Going to Your Charge Conference?

I have to admit that I don't have much patience for meetings generally and I really don't see the point of much of what we do at Charge Conference. (Ours is tonight on my husband's day "off.") If you are familiar with this meeting, you also know that every District Superintendent does theirs differently. We had one DS who ran through each one in about fifteen minutes. Then we had one DS who liked to hear herself talk, so she kept folks for a couple of very boring hours. You would think these people could read the crowd.

Understanding the reason we have Charge Conference does not help. And it is very uncomfortable to have my husband's salary discussed and voted on. So I don't go. We say we want to revitalize the church, so we have killer meetings instead?!

I just wish we could do the whole thing by email.

Am I alone in this?

Kathy

Indiana Annual Conference Highlights

The Indiana Conference ended on June 11th with a beautiful service for those commissioned and those ordained deacon and elder. Mike participated in the elder ordination of Matt Swisher. Matt and his family were part of a church Mike pastored from 1983 to 1989. Matt was three when we first met him. When he decided to become a pastor, we followed his career with special interest. Each person preparing for ordination is assigned a mentor. Matt chose Mike and for the past three years, and they met monthly, talking and sharing whatever Matt needed to discuss. We celebrated the joyous occasion with Matt, his wife Katie, and lots of family from both sides.

Another moment of personal joy, was when the conference introduced and honored those pastors retiring. Each pastor and spouse were seated on the stage. We were introduced and then led down one of two aisles in the vast auditorium. As we were in the aisle, everyone gathered, about 1200 people, stood and clapped for what seemed like forever. Both of us cried as we received this expression of appreciation.

Mike has already had several pastors ask him to preach and fill the pulpit during vacations and other times away. He is also going to work part-time at the YMCA where we work out daily. Although we have found a new church, I am still having difficulty leaving a church that has been home to me for fifteen years. I am depending on God to give me insight and vision for the future.

God, thank you for the joys and challenges of Mike's 39 years of ministry. We have learned from all types of experiences for we knew that you are in everything that happens. Guide our paths in a new way of ministry in your name. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers Indiana

Passing the Stole

My husband, Mike's, last Sunday before retirement is June 26th. The next Sunday, July 3, he and the new pastor will participate in a unique ritual. Mike, at each of the four services, will "pass a stole" to the two new pastors. The church owns a set of green stoles, so Mike, to symbolize the change in leadership, will place a stole on the shoulders of each pastor.

Usually such an exchange is not possible because the old pastor has moved on to a new church in a new town. The congregation, will witness Mike's blessing of the new ministers coming to care for the flock whom he loved so dearly for fifteen years.

God, thank you for the cooperative way that change can occur in your name. Bless all of those who are moving to serve new churches. Guide those who are retiring or taking a leave of absence. Thank you for the opportunity that all of us have to care for those in the kingdom.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Making a Good Retirement

Mike, my husband, is down to eight weeks until retirement. He is doing much better than I am with the change that is before us. I am really going to miss the people in the congregation. During the past fifteen years, we have grown close to so many families, watching children grow up, get married and then have their own children. Being part of graduations, marriages, baptisms, anniversaries, funerals, and other events that bring meaning to a family have wrapped our hearts in love.

We visited a few churches in our area, but no place seemed to draw us. Maybe we will need to leave our current church before we have energy to invest in another place.

Looking for a new church has also reflected the importance of being a friendly, welcoming church to visitors. A newly created position at church - connection coordinator - began last fall. The young woman hired for this ministry, is aware when visitors attend on Sunday morning. She asks them about their interests and sometimes by the end of the day, she has given their names to the individual concerned with a particular ministry.

One church we attended did connect me with a person in charge of new members. When I told her three different areas of ministry in which I was interested, she forwarded me the three emails she sent to the persons involved. That was a month ago, and I haven't heard anything.

I realize too that I have never had to reach out and find my own path - people always came to me and invited me to various parts of church life.

I was talking recently to a friend at the YMCA whose husband is one of the pastors at a Presbyterian church. Her husband is retiring in two years. Last year, the denomination had a pre-retirement two day retreat. Part of the time was spent dealing with financial aspects of retirement. In addition there were a couple of sessions for pastors and spouses discussing the emotional and spiritual components that retirement will bring.

Although the Indiana Conference has an annual required "Making A Good Move" day and a half program for those moving, there is nothing similar for those retiring. Maybe developing a one day event is something Mike and I can do in retirement.

Needless to say, I need to increase my faith and trust in God for what the future will hold.

God in times of change, help me remember that you are the constant, ever present, ever ready to help. Amen.

Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana

What I Will Miss...

Mike, my husband, will retire after 37 years in ministry on July 1. Last Saturday morning, as I was at my desk, spending some time reflecting before going to the Y, I heard a voice downstairs. I knew Mike was home, but at first I thought he was talking on the phone. However, as I listened, I realized he was practicing his sermon. I should have guessed-- he's been doing that for years.

Then I remembered that when the children were home, they often asked, "Do we have to got to church? We've heard dad practice his sermon at least twice today." The answer to that question was always, "Yes."

There are so many rituals I will miss. The rhythm of the week-- Mike's day off on Thursday, watching him bring the sermon home on Friday, his being wrapped in the bulletin, listening to him practice on Saturday-- rarely scheduling anything social on Saturday night, so Mike can get to bed close to 9, and the peak time of the week, four Sunday services, with a gradual let down when he finally left church close to 1:00 pm Sunday afternoon. I can't imagine listening to anyone else preach. Mike's my favorite. I know the pattern of each sermon, carefully patterned after preaching professors at Duke-- Carlyle Marney and John Bergland.

A big change is on the way, and the one to which I look most forward is sitting next to Mike in church-- something I haven't done for 35 years.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Ethics and Pastoral Change

Mike, my husband, met with the staff/parish committee on Monday evening to tell those gathered that he has decided to retire. Tuesday, he told the staff during their weekly meeting.

Mike will be 63 in January, and has had a sense over the past year, that after 15 years, he has done as much as he can at his current appointment. I trust Mike to know when it is time to move on as throughout the years, he seems to know when he needs another challenge. I have known about this possibility since August, but presenting the news formally has been difficult for me to handle. I do not deal with change easily, especially after fifteen years.

I have known Mike for 38 years, and he has never been without a church in some capacity-- (filling in for vacationing or sick pastors). We have been married for 36 years, so all of our life has been in ministry. Now the delicate part comes: I cannot say anything about this change until Mike's letter (in which he describes what his intentions are for the future) goes to the congregation -- which will probably go out today or tomorrow -- not too long to wait.

However, today I received a call from a staff member who wanted me to know that she was very disappointed that I hadn't called, emailed, or met with her before Mike's announcement. I apologized, but I also realized that her remarks did not ease the grief I am feeling about the change. She wanted to know all about the decision: why he didn't stay until he was 65, why can't he take a church, what is he going to do, etc.

I answered her questions honestly, because he felt that he had done as much as he could, he didn't want to take a church for only 1 1/2 years. That would not be fair to that church, and he doesn't really know what he is going to do.

I was surprised to receive her call, especially the nature of her remarks. I feel certain that there will be more thoughts to share as the weeks progress on this topic of retirement, so stay tuned.

God increase my faith and trust in you for all circumstances of my life. Amen.

Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana

The More Things Change, the More they Stay the Same

Googling "umc guaranteed appointment female minority" just now, I came across the most fascinating article that ran in Christian Century in 1979. Titled "UMC’s Women Clergy: Sisterhood and Survival," it was primarily remarkable for how unremarkable it was. If not for the reference to the upcoming 1980 General Conference and the use of the word "retarded" to refer to a special-needs child, the piece could easily have been written this year--more than 30 years later!

There are more female clergy in the UMC today, and more of them are appointed to senior pastorates and large membership churches than in 1979, but the issues they face are all the same. Challenges to advancement. Concerns over acceptance in certain congregations. Lack of support or flexibility in pregnancy and childcare situations.

For our purposes on this blog, as clergy spouses, consider this paragraph:

“Clergy couples” -- with both husband and wife being ordained -- “are beginning to find their label oppressive,” said one workshop participant. It causes them to be regarded as an entity rather than as two pastors, and to be stereotyped as a placement problem. Coordinating the career moves of a couple -- whether they desire to serve a joint pastorate or separate parishes -- can be difficult. But cabinets have been slow to acknowledge the seriousness of the two-career couple problem when one of the members is clergy and one is nonclergy. When both are ministers, the church bears responsibility for placing them both in jobs -- generally within driving distance of their shared parsonage. But when only one partner is ordained, the church has no control over the other partner’s career, and often fails to take it into consideration. The assumption has been that when the minister must move, the spouse must follow. The system worked well for many years with men who had nonworking wives, or wives whose careers as nurses or schoolteachers were regarded as transportable from one town to another. The two-career-couple crunch often forces a wrenching decision: “Which career is more important?” The assumption that the male’s ambitions always take precedence is being questioned, and couples are wrestling with the sacrifices required when career goals conflict.


Thirty. Years. And yet so little seems to have changed.

More Moving Tips

Here are a few suggestions that I have found helpful in the weeks preceding a move:

1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you have to limit the time usually spent reading the Bible or resting in silence or prayer, the daily grounding you receive will be a reminder that God is present.

2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if children are involved. A routine can offer structure and security when there is chaos all around.

3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There are breaks in meaningful attachments that will take place. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and other emotions are often present with relocation. Realize that these responses are normal and allow time to work through those that occur.

4. Be patient with yourself. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a smaller town and church to a larger town and church. Learning how to navigate streets or how to get to church or making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, the grocery store, the library etc., cannot be accomplished in one day. Take time to celebrate the steps you make each day.

5. Share feelings about the move with your spouse/children so that you can support each other.

6. Allow the new pastor and spouse in the previous church time to get acquainted with the congregation and settled in the community before returning for a visit.

7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close. Email, Facebook and other ways of electronic communication enable persons to stay connected much better than in the past.

8. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving.

9. Invite friends to your new church, house/parsonage and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting.

10. Recognize that there are stages in life that are more difficult to move than others. Again be patient and invite God to help your adjustment.

11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/house/parsonage, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy - physical, spiritual emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your parsonage/house feel more like home.

12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can offer fun ways to manage the stress a move often brings as well as a place to meet new people. If finances are limited, talking a walk can be very refreshing.

13. Find ways to connect with other clergy in the area. Over twenty years ago, Mike (my husband) and I decided that we were tired of being lonely and by ourselves on holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and New Year's Day. So, we invited many of the United Methodist clergy/spouses/families who lived fairly close by to a Labor Day picnic. We provided the main dish and drinks and everyone else brought a vegetable or dessert to share. We still have our Labor Day picnic, with others hosting gatherings on Memorial Day and New Year's Day.

The Indiana Conference, where my husband is a pastor, has a confidential Clergy Spouse site accessible through Facebook. Persons often ask questions or share concerns giving others an opportunity to respond through this connection. Each year during annual conference, there is an established time and place where spouses can gather and visit.

Lastly, there is the annual clergy spouse 'refresher' a two night, two and a half day retreat usually held at a state park. There is a speaker, interest groups, and free time during which spouses can hike or participate in other opportunities available at the park. God I pray for all persons who are moving during the next few weeks. Thank you for the call to service in your name that each move represents. Help all remember that you are within and beside each one and that you have gone ahead preparing and blessing the new church/parsonage/home and ministry. Amen.

Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana