Our Prayer for the Ukraine

From Bishop Eduard Khegay, Eurasia Area of The United Methodist Church

  

My prayer is for Ukraine, for peace and unity. My prayer is for Ukraine – this is a song of our brothers and sisters from UMC in Kiev who created this video.   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UU_9Iaj7QCMUz0Ry5rvhzwsQ&v=DTnb4A2JTnw&feature=player_embedded

During our meeting of pastors and leaders of United Methodist Church in Ukraine this week we lifted up our prayers for the people and the country, for peace and unity. Brothers and sisters shared their worries and concerns for the country’s future. Many could not come from the east to Zakarpatie where we have had our meeting. As I was preaching in our churches in Zakarpatie, my heart was filled with grace and faith, when brothers and sisters with tears in their eyes lifted up their prayers to God for their country. In this politically conflicting time, the church continues to share the gospel way – the way of active ministry to people, preaching of hope and faith, proclamation of God’s power and providence in the history of humankind. According to testimonies of brothers and sisters from different cities, Christian churches never prayed so fervently for their country and for their people as in this difficult time. Also, people were never so open for the gospel and for prayer as in this time.

I thank God for United Methodist churches in Ukraine, who bring hope and reconciliation to people in this difficult time, encourage people and serve those in need. Let us all stand in prayer for our brothers and sisters in Ukraine, for all people and country. My prayer is for Ukraine.

Bishop Khegay, we join you and commit to pray for the people of the Ukraine. We will not abandon them.

Grace, 

Kathy

What Attracts People to Your Church and Keeps Them Coming Back?

The answer to that question is as varied as there are people. But there are some obvious answers. Most of which you probably know, but maybe need just a reminder.

People need multiple points of entry to your church. So you have to decide which your church can do. In the case of our church, folks come for the youth program. Others come because they believe in the missions we do in the community. Some come because they are United Methodist and have relocated to our city. Some come because of the worship, preaching, and music. But more and more come because they found us on the Internet.

It used to be that the church front door was at the front of the building. Increasingly, the front door of your church is your Internet page! If your church does not have a page, there are plenty of models and, at least, our denomination provides help to set one up--or just ask a youth in your church or community.

Internet pages are always works in process and need constant updating like any other piece of property. Here are a few examples from churches of all sizes.

http://stpaulsthorofareorg.ipage.com/index.html

http://www.hilldaleumc.net/

http://www.stlukesmethodist.org/

http://www.cor.org/

http://mtzionanywhere.org/

Yesterday, I went to my dentist, David Dickerson. I think my dentist is great and one reason is that he is always on the cutting edge. He is always aware of the latest in dental care, but he also strives to improve his care for us patients. Before I had my appointment, I not only received a phone call reminder, but I got an email. Then after the appointment, I had the next appointment emailed to me to make sure the date was still ok. Then I got an email so I could offer feedback to make his practice even better. You may say that it too many emails, but I like it. And it lets me know that he is working not only to care for my health but to become more efficient and provide a better place for his staff to work.

The point? We need to do more than get people in our church, we need to let them know that the church cares for them and is actively trying to do a better job in caring for them. We need follow-up and follow-through. I recommend my dentist to my friends who are looking for a dentist. Churches can benefit from the same principle.

Please feel free to share your church website and what you are doing to attract people and keep them coming back.

Grace, Kathy

Communing with the World

I received a call from the church secretary last week, asking  if I could bake a loaf of Liberian Rice Bread for World Communion Sunday. Because I like to bake bread, I was delighted to make a bread that called for some interesting ingredients. I was also interested to see how the bread would look and taste.
 
I took the bread to church. When I arrived that morning, I walked into the sanctuary to see the altar filled with loaves of bread representing the many cultures and parts of the world: Native America, the Mediterranean, Pacific Islands, Middle East, Central and South America, India, and Africa. The variety in color and texture of each loaf reminded me of the diversity of our brothers and sisters around the globe who would join me as I received Communion.
 
There was also a blessing of each loaf using these words: "Bless O Lord this (name of bread) and the people of (the country) whom you claim as your beloved."  All of the bread was consecrated as the body of Christ.
 
The meaning of World Communion was visually represented in a way that brought deep meaning to my experience and participation in the service of remembrance that Christ gave to us, his disciples.
 
How did your church honor this annual celebration?
 
Jacquie Reed 
Fishers, Indiana

The Ministry of the Minister's Spouse

In distant days past, a pastor's spouse could take a course about how to minister as a spouse. The wife (as it was then) was seen as a vital partner and was expected to be a leader in the congregation. This role and responsibility was not taken lightly. And as a result, even today, being a spouse carries certain expectations about an active participation in the church ministry and outreach. While no one raises an eyebrow when Pat Doe isn't there on Sunday, if the pastor's spouse is not at church, you can bet that you will be a topic of after-church dinner conversation.

But despite changes in the church, we spouses are called to be ministers like everybody else in the congregation. We are all called to faithfully serve when we are baptized and become part of the priesthood of all believers. Many of us are laypeople and some of us are clergy; but we are all part of the local congregation.

So just putting up with a spouse who is always on call, really isn't enough to count as your ministry. Although I believe it should count a lot. As Christians, we are gifted and blessed with the Fruit of the Spirit. And when we stand before our Maker, we'll be asked to show our fruit. True, grace abounds and no one can earn their way into heaven, but I think God will be pleased with some of us more than others.

As the new school year begins and people head back to church, I hope you find new ways to serve. This coming Sunday, I'm doing some teacher training and I'm back teaching my Sunday School class again. I don't do these things because they are expected or because I have to. I do them because I'm called-- just like you too.

Grace, Kathy

First Sunday at a New Church

As many transition to new churches, please know that there are spouses who are praying for you.

Going to a new church can be difficult because the congregation may still be grieving the loss of the former pastor and the parsonage family. But there will also be many who were ready for a pastoral change and will welcome you with open arms.

In every congregation there are people who were close to the previous pastor and family and some of these people will continue their relationship. It's not that they don't want you, it's just that they may have had a special affinity for the previous family. In our case, there have been people in every congregation that we have kept in touch with over the years. I treasure these friendships. These friends have been with us through difficult times and we have seen each other's kids grow up. But this is not to say that this interferes with their relationship with their current pastor.Their pastor is still their pastor. And frankly, it is often easier to be friends after we leave their church.

So I hope that those of you who are moving meeting some new friends and get off to a great start.

When the church is at its best, it really becomes the Body of Christ.

Grace, Kathy

For Our DSs and Their Spouses

Just as many pastors are moving to new local churches, there are also changes for DSs and their spouses. Here is an opportunity to welcome and begin new relationships with these traveling elders and their spouses and families.

To New DSs:
First, welcome to our district. We realize that you have an impossible job and are pulled in many directions all at once, so in some ways your new job is still like serving a local church. We want to make your job as easy as possible.

Second, remember that folks in the local church really have no idea what you do. In fact some may even think that you've left the ministry altogether.

Third, we hope you will remain the servant leader you've always been and won't let the new power go to your head. And personally, I hope you won't starting running for bishop.

Fourth, while we all realize that DSs are necessary and are here to help keep the church and pastors accountable in a helpful way, please remember how ambivalent pastors and laity are about church hierarchy. It's not personal.

To New DS Spouses:
First, welcome to our district. We realize that you have a new role. And if you are a male DS spouse, you are still breaking new ground. We also hope that you find a local church where you feel comfortable and at home.

Second, remember that folks in the local church have no idea what your spouse does and many church folk don't see themselves are part of anything except the local church. They may not even care about the denomination and, as you may know, they won't know UM lingo; and you may not either.

Third, and this may come as a surprise or shock, but other minister spouses may see you as a person who will advocate for them. Historically, this has been a role of the DS and bishop's spouse. As you know, we spouses and our families do not have an official voice and are often the collateral damage of denominational politics, so we might look to you for support. If you are a male spouse, please know that you have a part to play and are a role model.

Fourth, please keep your spouse on the straight and narrow, but also please make sure they take care of themselves, you, and your family, because they have an impossible and often thankless job.

Grace, Kathy

Let Me Introduce You to my Minister’s Wife (or Husband)

A couple of Sunday mornings ago, I was hanging out in the “coffee commons” talking to a parishioner/friend. Our children are similar in age, so we often find ourselves together at church functions. Not too far into our conversation a couple of other women came and sat down at our table and joined the conversation. I had never met these two women before (it’s a fairly big congregation and we’ve been at this church less than a year), but my friend knew them. We all chatted for at least 10 minutes before we got around to actually introducing ourselves. I decided not to tell these women that I was the pastor’s spouse, I just introduced myself as Julie. My friend, however, did mention that I was married to the pastor, which seemed to take the women by surprise. I explained that I sometimes don’t let on who I am because it occasionally makes people uncomfortable or they feel like they can’t be themselves around me. Whenever possible, I like to let people get to know me for me before their expectations or assumptions of the “preacher’s wife” get thrown into the mix. 

            Being able to get to know others without the designation “preacher’s wife” is a luxury. In the relatively small communities where we have and are serving churches, I often run into parishioners at the store or the ball fields, and almost always get introduced as the preacher’s wife (sometimes without even my first name). Sometimes it bugs me that I don’t get to be just Julie, like many of our parishioners get to be just Sarah or Dan. I would like to be sure that the conversations I’m having with people in the community are not being filtered through the assumption that there are things they are not supposed to say to me. One of my personal goals as a clergy spouse is to help people see that clergy families are very much like most other people. 

That said, I have learned that being introduced as the preacher’s spouse comes with the territory, and rather than resent it I try to see it as an opportunity for possibility.  It opens the possibility of relationships to which I might not otherwise have access.  It opens the possibility of being able to minister to someone who doesn’t otherwise have anyone to whom they feel they can turn.  It gives people the chance to get to know me and see just how normal (and imperfect) clergy families are. 

How is it for you when you are identified as the minister’s spouse?  Is it something you celebrate, loathe, or somewhere in between?  

Julie

Is It Every OK to Ask a Person not to be a Part of Your Church?

While we believe that all people are children of God, can some stir up so much trouble and conflict that we might ask ourselves if they shouldn't be a part of our church? This is a difficult question; because, as Christians, we believe that we should love and accept everyone, no matter what. But what if accepting some people promises to damage the church community itself.

Here I'm not talking about differences of opinion, theological perspective, or lifestyle. I'm talking about people who are so toxic that they kill every church they become a part of. While there will always be people we don't like and who don't like the pastor and/or the parsonage family, that's not the point. The people I'm talking about are totally insistent on their own way or are so power hungry that they bully others. So if we love the church and want peace of mind for our spouse, what, if anything, should we do?

We might like to think that these toxic people are sick (spiritually or mentally) but sometimes these people are simply so unhappy that they can't stand when other people are happy. Or they are so controlling and insecure that they can't share--their time, gifts, talents, presence, or witness. Or perhaps they have simply turned away from God and the joy of salvation. True, they may need God in a mighty way, but...

But we are also not the pastor. We spouses are laypeople of the church, so any action or inaction we might take will be complicated by our ambiguous role in the church.

Sadly, most of us know people like this in our churches, if not this church, a previous church. My stance is to be civil to these folks, so as not to add fuel to the fire, but I don't invite them into my home and I don't pretend that we are friends. And I pray for them. But I also don't allow anyone to bully another person in my presence. In these situations, humor works best. So if one of these people complains, I typically say, "You're joking, right?" That comment usually knocks them off balance enough that other people have some space to say what they think as well.

The church is a hospital for sinners, but it can't be an emergency room for only a select few.

Your thoughts?

Grace, Kathy

Join When You're Ready

I've known my husband for just shy of ten years. In that time, he has served three churches. I've been members of all three, but my decision to join has looked very different in each case.

In the first church, my new friend/boyfriend was the newly hired youth pastor when we met. I helped out with the youth some on Sunday evenings and for special events and activities, but continued to search for a church "of my own" on Sunday mornings. As we got more serious, however, I wanted to make a church home with this person I hoped to make a life and marriage with, so I came over to his church, got more involved, and eventually joined, around the time we got engaged. It was the closest thing to a "normal" (i.e. unrushed, unpressured) new member process as I have had or probably will ever have.

During our first year of marriage, my new husband was appointed to lead a small church in another town. And because I didn't know any better, and wanted to be a "good little pastor's wife," I joined the church on our very first Sunday. I don't really know if it's true or not, but I assumed that was the expected thing for a clergy spouse to do. Over time, however, I really regretted that decision. That church ended up being a very poor fit for my husband and me, and our time there was largely miserable. On top of all the other frustrations, the fact that I didn't "belong" there (i.e., fit in) was put into even starker relief by the fact that I technically "belonged" (i.e. I was a member).

When we were blessedly moved four years later, I was determined not to put myself in such a situation again. So I didn't join on our first Sunday there. Or anytime in our first month there. No one said a word about it to me, though one older lady did ask my husband who they should "write to" about my membership, and my husband liked to tease me that until I joined another church, my membership would still be at our dreaded former church.

I waited more than five months before joining our new church. I had gotten to know the people. I had gotten involved. I had joined the choir. I felt like I belonged. And only then was the time right to make my "belonging" official.

When I went forward, I chose to say a few words to the congregation, explaining why I had waited:

"The pastor's spouse is often expected to join the church on the very first Sunday there. To me, that feels a little like getting engaged on your very first date. I wanted to wait until I got to know this church better to make my membership official. So now, after five months, I have come to know and love this church, and would like to join"

Three wonderful women actually got up out of their seats to come stand around me as I took the membership vows. We hugged, and I really felt they were not just church members, but my church family. People told me later that, knowing my reasoning, it meant more to them that I wanted to be a part of the church. And it meant a lot more to me, too.

Moving from Another Perspective

I had an experience this morning in church that never happened in the 40 years I've known my husband, Mike, a recently retired pastor. The staff-parish chairperson announced that one of the three pastors, Peter, will have a new appointment beginning July 1. Although I found out about this change a few days ago, I was surprised at my emotion when I saw Peter and his wife, Allison, drinking coffee before the service.

  I am still new into "having a pastor." Mike and I had Peter and his wife, Allison, in our home many times for dinner. We love this young couple. Mike and Peter enjoyed wonderful conversations on various topics related to ministry. Allison was active in the clergy-spouse group in the conference so I saw her at meetings and events, not only on Sunday morning. Peter has been particularly helpful and insightful, meeting with me following the recent deaths of my parents. Mike and I have spent time with Peter, talking about his passions in ministry.

Peter was assigned to the church the same year Mike retired. We started attending the church, shortly after Peter began his ministry. I expected Peter's appointment to extend many years, as he is just now beginning to get several programs solidly grounded and flourishing. I was so disappointed to learn that Peter and Allison were re-assigned.

So, this morning I received a new perspective on pastoral appointments. I was always the one "moving on," often with sadness and the desire to stay longer. Now I know how a member of the congregation feels when a beloved pastor leaves.Through the years, I always had tears when our move was announced. This morning, I had a few tears when Peter's move was announced. I am thankful that we will have a few more months, when we can have Peter and Allison for dinner and discussion. Fortunately, facebook and other electronic media will enable us to keep in touch. I will miss Peter and how he brought God to me.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Sacrificial Lifestyle and Local Pastors

This past weekend, I taught a class for the Course of Study. In case you're unfamiliar with it, the Course of Study is a 5-year program designed for United Methodist local pastors who have not been to seminary. But this weekend was also a good reminder for me of how much pastors sacrifice and how that sacrifice is reflected in their lifestyle.

In the group of students, there were 2 people who had 3-point charges and several had 2-point charges.While more and more small churches are being served by local pastors, they are often overlooked by the denomination. We tend to forget that these pastors serve churches and have another full-time job. (I say this because no matter what size a church is, it's a full-time job.)

In my own life, my spouse served a 4-point charge, which had over 625 members. At the time, it was the largest 4-point charge in America. And I remember how we drove from one church to another each Sunday. I also recall that each church had its own unique ministry. While we really loved the people, the only time they cooperated with each other was during the annual revival. Can you can imagine 4 parsonage committees, 4 worship committees, 4 nomination committees--the list goes on and on. Just the meetings wore my husband out, but we were young and didn't know any better.

I've always been impressed with our local pastors. And I don't hear them complain very often about how little they are paid or how some churches are perfectly happy not really wanting to be United Methodist as long as things can be just like they were when grandma was alive. While there are advantages to serving a small church (under 100 members), many of these churches are dying, because they don't have the resources in terms of people. But like my students this weekend said, every church can be in ministry and every church is part of God's mission to our world.

Happily some of the churches served by members of my class are growing with young families. One church boasted of 17 children, which is a lot considering the church is an average worship attendance of about 35. But that pastor is optimistic and it seems his churches are too.

If local pastors, which are both women and men, get little recognition from the denomination, their spouses get even less. So if you know or meet a local pastor's spouse, please tell them that they can, at least, be part of this on-line community. Don't know about you, but I'm sure they would bring a lot of wisdom and experience.

Grace,
Kathy

Grieving Far Away: Finding Comfort in the Body of Christ

My parents recently died four days apart. My mother died the afternoon of my father's funeral. Mike, my husband, and I were not far from Columbus, Ohio, were they lived, when I received the call about my mother. We continued home, had one day to cancel plans, notify jobs, and then return for the second funeral.

The visitation and funeral were during the week and out of state, too far for any friends to travel. I know how important being with those who have experienced loss is from years of sitting and spending time with persons during those early days of grief.

Mike and I sat through two services, one visitation, and two funeral dinners, knowing no one.The church and funeral homes were filled with people, who knew my folks and my brother, but not me. I left Columbus and moved away after graduating from Ohio State.

I asked God to help me see another perspective during the first funeral, my father's. I felt God with me in close companionship, but I longed to see a familiar face and receive a hug.The services were held at the Greek Orthodox Cathedral, which is the family denomination.The ladies of the church prepared a nice luncheon and then the heavens opened.

One by one, persons who were at the luncheon (which was open to anyone) came and said , "I am praying for you." "You are in my prayers." "What a difficult time to loose two parents so close together." I didn't know anyone, but I received God's presence from the sincerity and deep compassion. These people comforted me even thought I was a stranger.

I came away with a new perspective. In the body of Christ there is indeed communion and companionship even away from home when it is needed most.

Jacquie Reed

Fishers, Indiana

Are You Married to the Church?

Someone recently accused me of being "married to the church." The person didn't exactly mean it as an insult, but he was saying that he thought I was overly committed to our denomination. Not having heard that before, I didn't have a quick reply. But I did manage to say that no one should ever say that to a clergy spouse. And it did make me think about what exactly is a spouse's relationship to the church.

I have heard of people being married to their job and to, maybe, a sports team, and I know that Roman Catholic nuns "marry" the church in some sense. But it never occurred to me that other people might think that I was married to the UMC--married to a pastor, yes, but not the church. If anything my relationship to the church is, I suspect, much like other spouses. It is a love-hate relationship with church people..

The church can be gracious and a ready source of help in time of need; but it can also be petty, vindictive, and power-hungry. Too many times, I've heard that clergy families are the "collateral damage" when there is a bad move or when the spouse is unfairly treated. From my view, part of my job as a spouse is to protect my children and spouse from unwelcome and unneeded intrusions into our family life. Our home is open but it is also a haven away from the 24/7 demands of the congregation. In those cases, I can't say that I love the church. I respect people's needs but not their trying to make our family co-dependent or be unduly influenced by warped people who are only too willing to tell me how to raise my kids or practice my faith.

But I also love the church. That is I love what the church aspires to be and sometimes is. And I'm in it for the long haul. We've made great friends over the years but also some spectacular enemies.

I guess, however, I'm mostly wary of the church and its all too human structures of power and authority. It's hard to be otherwise when you've been lied to and cheated by other clergy and even DSs. But I'm not going to walk away and divorce myself from the church because, despite its warts, it is still the Body of Christ. But I'm also not going to let it roll over me or my family. The ends, after all, do not justify the means.

So, what about you? What would you say if someone told you that you acted married to the church? What is your relationship to the church, both local and beyond? Are you happy with your choice to be a clergy spouse?

Grace, Kathy

Helping Families with Autism in Your Church

Autism is becoming a more frequent and nuanced diagnosis. We have had several autistic kids and adults in our churches over the years, but I am certainly no expert. But if you do need expert help either as a parent or concerned friend, check out Ellen Notbohm's website. www.ellennotbohm.com  She's written several helpful books and sends out a monthly newsletter.

Currently our church has autistic kids in several grade levels. Like all children, no two are alike and some have more needs than others. But because some of our teachers now have the type of experience these kids need, more special needs families are coming to our church. The kids are great and have a chance to be in an accepting, loving environment with kids of their own age. It's a lesson in compassion for everybody. This is a good thing.

Grace, Kathy

Nursing Infants at Clergy Spouse Events Response

As this year’s chairperson of the Indiana Conference Clergy Spouse Retreat, I feel compelled to respond to the September 24th blog concerning the issue of nursing mothers that arose at our Retreat in September. I also want to respond to some of the comments to that blog as well as the most recent one on November 6th. I want to give a broader and accurate picture of what happened and what is being done since the event. But first, I want to give an historical perspective so that all who read will be able to see who and what the Indiana Conference is and more precisely, what the Indiana Conference and the Clergy Spouse Retreat Committee are not. I ask that if you feel you must respond to my comment that you do so only after reading the entire comment and that you do so kindly and prayerfully and try, for a moment, to walk in our uncomfortable shoes before passing judgment.
The Clergy Spouse Retreat of the Indiana Conference has been in existence for 40 – 45 years. There arose some child issues and, in 1989, a policy concerning children at the Retreat was written. This policy has been in effect since that time. It has been published in our brochures and in our communications. Evidently, this last year (and, it seems, in the most recent previous years) the policy was, regrettably, omitted in all communications. This happened because, well, we are human and have a propensity to err. And, err we did.
The mother in question was unaware of the policy and innocently brought her child with her to the Retreat. I was immediately made aware of this before our first session began. As I was busy doing what chairpersons do before the Retreat started, I asked the retired clergy spouse mentioned in the September blog (who is on the Retreat Committee) to speak to her and talk about our policy. About ½ hour later, I asked this committee member if she had talked with the mother and she said she could not find her. So, I decided to let the issue go and address it if it became necessary. The mother brought the child into the session and again, I just let time take care of what needed to be done. The baby did what babies do and the mother correctly took the baby out of the session. I asked a committee member, who has been on the committee prior to 1989, if I should go talk to the mother. She said yes. I went out into the hall and the following is the CORRECT chain of events and conversations. I simply told her I did not know how to handle this but there is a policy of no children at the Retreats. As an aside, I later found out I misspoke -– the policy states that children are not allowed in the sessions and at mealtimes. If a spouse chooses to bring their child, they must provide for their own childcare in the hotel room. I later corrected my error. I found out she had not brought any childcare with her. I told her that we did not want her to leave the Retreat but if she felt she needed to because she had no childcare then she was not to go home until the morning. The first session was an evening session and she lives about a hour from the Retreat site. I also told her I was going to call a committee meeting after the session and we, as a committee, would discuss the situation and try to find a solution so that was another reason she should not leave that evening. The Retreat committee, upon hearing of the event, expressed the range of emotions one would expect from anger to affirmation, both directed at me. Because we wanted to help and because this Conference has many spouses who have Open Hearts, several of the committee members volunteered to provide childcare for this mother. Bear in mind, these spouses and/or their churches paid a fee for them to attend this retreat so those who volunteered their time were willingly giving up their retreat time to help out. I went to the mother’s room and presented this solution to her. It was her choice to use only one person, the aforementioned retired clergy spouse. Never, not once, was this mother asked to go home. Rather, we bent over backwards to accommodate her, knowing we would be addressing this issue after the Retreat.
On the way home and afterwards, I ruminated about and prayed for direction in how to handle this issue. I devised a plan of forming an ad hoc committee to research and study this issue and then have this committee present their recommendations to the full Retreat Committee in March. I spoke with our Cabinet Clergy Representative about this and she was in full agreement that this would be a good way to handle this issue. I was in the process of formulating this plan when I got an e-mail from the mother asking if I could send her a copy of the policy and then could we talk. I responded quickly by sending her the policy and told her of course we could talk. I was very happy we could do this. She and I then had a long, warm, non-incriminating conversation. I shared my plan with her and she, too, thought it was a good way and she would be willing to serve on the ad hoc committee. That committee has been formed and will be meeting next week to discuss their research findings and start to formulate some recommendations.
I am concerned and disappointed that the Clergy Spouse Retreat Committee of the Indiana Conference has been portrayed and castigated as non-caring, exclusive, and, as one comment said, needing to “ask for forgiveness for being so mean spirited.” I believe we are far, far from any of those aspersions ascribed to us. I am disappointed that some fellow clergy spouses from wherever in the nation or world may now have a skewed opinion of our Conference from this one blog. I am also disappointed that several spouses who have posted comments have been very negative and judgmental even though uninformed about the total picture. I did appreciate one of the comments to the September 24th blog from Anonymous when they wrote, “There must be something else to this” and went on to ponder what the “something else” could be. Hopefully, my comment will help clarify some of the “something else.” I believe, with all of my heart, that the Indiana Conference has some of the most caring, loving, considerate, and open-hearted spouses in the denomination. I will defend them to the end.
Again, if you need to comment about my comment I ask that you do so prayerfully and carefully. Anger is not helpful and neither are nasty and spiteful comments. They really do not further the Kingdom of God. There are a lot of needs and emotions present in the meeting room at our retreats. A nursing mother is not the only need to be considered. We, as an imperfect people on this committee, want to do what we can to be the best we can for our fellow spouses and meet as many needs as possible. So, please, if you have any criticism of our actions, be kind and most importantly, do try to be helpful. If you have had experience with fee-based, adult, non-family types of church events and have faced this situation, we welcome genuine, caring comments.
Anita

Christmas Eve Chaos

My first Christmas Eve as the spouse of a solo pastor was 6 years ago. The couple of months leading up to Christmas had been a whirlwind and I was looking forward to Christmas in the hopes that it would afford me a chance to stop and catch my breath. We had received news at the end of October that my husband was being appointed to a church and that we needed to be ready to move into the new parsonage by early December. The flurry of packing and goodbyes began almost immediately and our heads were still spinning when the moving truck pulled up to our new parsonage just 5 weeks after being told that we were moving. We found ourselves in a place that, at that time, felt very foreign and was several hours away from our families.

We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.

I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.

Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.

What about that hot chocolate?

Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.

Julie

All Saints Day for Clergy Spouses

On this All Saints Day, I thought it would be fitting to share some of the unrecognized contributions of clergy spouses. While we often picture the lone circuit rider traveling the connection on his horse, the reality was different. Pastors not only traveled with other pastors when possible, but also took their wives and children. In days before parsonages, the entire clergy family traveled the circuit as well. And when the parsonage system quickly followed, the pastor's wife was considered the resident spiritual leader when the husband was away preaching. Being the pastor's wife was considered a vocation of its own. And being the bishop's wife carried even more prestige.

But times change and because of the poor pay, wives had to seek outside employment. A dear sainted pastor's wife was once berated by the bishop's wife for working outside the home as a teacher. Didn't she know that she was hurting her husband's ministry, to which the pastor's wife retorted that when the Church paid for her sons' college education, she'd be happy to quit. But in the meantime, she planned to continue. This happened in the 1960s (not that long ago) and is a favorite true story told in our conference.

We have parsonage standards, not because of kind hearted laity, but because spouses saw to it and worked the system. And I know more than one pastor who was elected bishop because of the political savvy of the spouse.

So on this All Saints Day, remember all those spouses who have made things better and easier for us.

Grace, Kathy

A Delicate Issue of Inclusion

The annual clergy spouse weekend retreat for the Indiana Conference concluded today. The event went smoothly except for one thing--a young clergy spouse brought her six month-old baby, whom she was still nursing and was promptly asked to return home, because of the baby.

Fortunately, a retired member of the event offered to care for the infant, so that this mother could attend the lectures, discussions, and participate in meals.

Many clergy spouses were upset that this young woman was asked to leave.

Other comments included, "The baby is a distraction." "Even if she takes the baby into the hall, the noise he makes is still a distraction to the program."

The conference wants to encourage all spouses to come, but an infant appearing, the first time in many years, took everyone off guard.

The retreat planning committee meets in a few weeks to discuss this year's event, and to get ideas for next year. I wonder, how do other conferences handle mothers who need to bring infants? Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you!!!!

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

How Do You Answer Big Questions?

The big questions keep coming my way. Even though my husband retired from ministry a year ago, my identity as one who can field and perhaps offer insight to difficult questions continues. A few years ago I even completed a two-year course of study at the Benedictine monastery in Indianapolis to become a spiritual director. Although I learned a lot about the desert fathers and mothers and other influential persons across denominations, when I get asked "big questions," I still struggle to find some sort of comforting answer. I find that no amount of training can ever prepare me for these persistent questions. I am grateful when God steps in, and provides answers; although, the words come from my mouth, they are not truly mine.

Although I do spiritual direction with persons individually, people often come up and ask me those big questions in Target, the library, the grocery store parking lot, at my kitchen table. Perhaps you attract them too.

Here is a question that came my way this week. Today I was at the library, tutoring a student. Her mother mentioned that she received a notice from her church to work in childcare. The mother said, "I felt terrible that I couldn't volunteer. I got the notice on Wednesday for the following Sunday. We already had plans for a family gathering Sunday morning. Am I a bad Christian because I said no?"

My answer to Judy: "No, you are not a bad Christian. Sometimes things don't work out. There will be other times when you can volunteer."

The question I asked myself was, "Why does this woman put a negative judgement on her life? Why did she frame it as being a good or bad Christian? Who told her she couldn't reasonably say no?

How would you have answered? What do you say when people ask you big questions out of the blue? Who do you turn to when you have big questions?

Jacquie
Fishers, Indiana

Growing in Love and Marriage

My husband, Mike, retired a year ago after 37 years in ministry. I did not anticipate any great difficulty with this change in our lives, as we already had lots of events in which we participated in place years before we even thought about retirement.

So, I was very surprised to discover we had two very different styles of preparing/leaving for church. Now, we had not ridden to church together for 35 years. That fact should have been my first clue to potential difficulty. Mike insisted we leave 45 minutes before the service began (a drive that only takes 25 minutes max). My habit had been to skim in right when the service started or even during the opening hymn. "Why arrive any earlier?" I thought, "I can visit with people after church."

Convincing Mike that he no longer needs to arrive early to open the church, check the baptismal fount for water, make sure the communion elements and bulletins in place, etc. etc., is a major task. He also has had to find space on the passenger side of the car for me to "move in." My style on Sunday morning for 35 years had been to finish getting ready for church at each stoplight--putting on makeup and inserting my contacts.

Needless to say, there was an adjustment necessary on Sunday morning that I never would have predicted. Now that a year has passed, we have reached a compromise. I've shaved fifteen minutes from our departure time, and Mike has adjusted well to having me in the car. In fact, he recently bought a box of kleenex so that I didn't need to transport the box from my car to his each week.

As humorous as these changes have been, Mike broke my heart several times. A few weeks after he retired, I asked, "How are you doing?" He replied, "I have my soul back." I was speechless. I wasn't expecting that reply. Then not too long ago, he said, "I am almost getting to the place where I can think of a weekend without sermon preparation or typical weekend responsibilities at the church."

I knew that Mike had served well and deeply with persons in the various congregations he pastored, but I thought that retiring would enable him to relax immediately and adapt to a new weekend pace. The rhythm of ministry is rewarding, but also difficult and grueling. People bring who they are to church life--worship, commitee meetings, fund raising, and all other aspects of participation, which means they bring all sorts of challenges to ministry.

I am so thankful that Mike sits beside me in church. That is a really big deal for us. We cherish our time driving to and from church, wondering about the sermon on the way down, and then discussing the worship experience on the way home. I am so thankful that finally after a year Mike can relax, and experience God's presence so deeply each Sunday. We have grown during the year--with humor and God's blessing realizing that compromise can occur in any part of our married life.

Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana