"Someone" Is Unhappy!

You might think that after being in ministry for a while, a spouse would be able to handle this situation. Sorry to say that the learning curve for me is just too steep.

Last night at a prayer meeting, a person voiced the concern that "someone" (She didn't name them.) was upset and feeling pushed out. She didn't not want to mention names and she didn't. She really did want us to pray for our church. Naturally, we don't want anyone to feel unwelcome or alienated.

But even with her good intentions, the bomb had been thrown. Everyone reacted. Some just wanted to help. Some were curious. But we all were confused. Who could it be? And more seriously, what should we do?

I supposed that it may point to our lack of faith that we didn't think praying about it was enough. So we pressed her. Who are these people anyway and why are they upset? Then she replied and this is what shocked all of us. She said that we should just know. Couldn't we look around and see who wasn't there?

Really? We have over 800 members in our church. Three services. And lots of new people.

But yes, she said we should know already. Maybe she is right. If the church is our family, we'd notice who didn't show up for dinner. But there are so many and the vast majority attend twice a month. I'm still learning names and I've been there for seven years.

Then it hit me, she  expected that the pastor should also know. It was then that I started feeling annoyed. How many times have I heard (here and elsewhere) that people aren't happy and that was the pastor's fault. Why is the pastor responsible for the personal happiness of the members of the congregation? The pastor's job is not to make people happy or keep them from being upset. If people are upset it is their responsibility to speak out. Maybe they had, but who could know?

I care a lot about our prayer group, but it is times like these that I feel the special weight of being the pastor's spouse. There are so many unspoken expectations--some fair, others not.

Perhaps you have an opinion. What would you do?

Grace, Kathy

How to Respond When Someone Gossips

As a minister's spouse, many of us hear more than our share of criticism, perhaps not about us, but about the church in general and sometimes about other pastors. This can be especially difficult if your "friend" goes to another church and confides their criticism to you about their pastor in their church. I've even had people say to me something like, "I can't wait for our pastor to leave, so your husband can come to our church." And I've had people say to me, "Since you know So-and-so personally, maybe you can pass this along to them."

Looking at these situations objectively, the person is trying to triangulate you into their situation. And you can be sure that if they confide something like this to you, they'll also talk about you behind your back.

The best thing to do is simply listen. You can empathize with their feelings without agreeing or disagreeing with them. I promise you, you don't want to get involve, no matter how tempted you might be. Short of some kind of abuse, your best course of action is to tell the person that if she has a problem with the pastor, talk directly to him or her. What the person is doing, perhaps unwittingly, is spreading gossip. And we all know what can happen and how gossip can destroy people's lives, reputations, and ministries.

I've even had folks tell me what they've said to the DS about their pastor--and not in a good way.

Believe it or not, people may see you as part of the pastoral team or at least, a kind of influencer. After all, you do have direct access to the congregational leader--the pastor.

As the Bible advises: Be as wise as a serpent and a gentle as a dove.

Grace, Kathy