Moral Injury in the Congregation

Moral injury is a very important topic. While most of the research is currently concerning war vets (and hence the research funding), it is recognized that moral injury can happen to anyone who is traumatized or, especially someone who traumatizes another. It’s also a new way to frame sin, guilt, and shame, and puts care for these folks squarely in the pastor’s realm.  In a sense, it’s another way of talking about soul care. 

Moral injury describes how people are changed through exposure to violence and the inflicting of

harm and death on others resulting in profound mental, emotional, and spiritual struggle.

Moral injury can occur when persons betray or are betrayed. When they find themselves in a morally comprising situation with no way out. War is an obvious cause because soldiers have to kill other soldiers but sometimes civilians are also hurt. This is especially common in guerrilla warfare.So even if soldiers comes home physically and emotionally home (no PTSD), their spirits can be seriously diminished. But moral injury also occurs when anyone hurts another. Sin chips away at the soul.

Need a little help from you. Does this topic interest you? Do you see it as important? Do you see moral injury in your congregation? Would you like to learn more and how you can help these persons?

Grace, Kathy

Some Thoughts on Homosexuality and The United Methodist Church

                It is difficult to be a United Methodist and not know that the issue of homosexuality is controversial for our Church. I’m even aware that there is continued and sustained talk about a denominational split, as some of our sister denominations have done already. But I am convinced that the one thing we cannot do is abandon the conversation to extremists on either side, because they are happy to take aim and shot their opponents using us as their cover and then turn around and express their regret to us, their collateral damage.

                What is at stake? The unity of the UMC, but more important what our unity means  ̶  effective Christian witness  and mission throughout the world. There is no doubt, that together as one Church, we are more effective. Many of you are fond of C.S. Lewis. He says that after he became a Christian he was amazed how much time Christians spent arguing about their differences. He was much more interested with what we have in common. I invite you to be of like mind.

                What do we risk? Aside from the obvious practicalities of who gets the Pension Board and who gets the Publishing House, for example, we risk losing the talent and commitment of some of our most gifted and Spirit-led members. Because there are gifted and Spirit-led people on both sides.

                How can this be? How can it be that there are Spirit-led people on both sides? Because that is the way it always happens. The Church has always been fond of labeling people it disagrees with as heretics. Sometimes the Church officials excommunicated, sometimes it elected to burn people at the stake. Perhaps we would all benefit from re-reading Church history. Who were some of those who left their Church? Martin Luther, John Calvin, and, oh yes, John Wesley. These left a Church that was too enamored of its doctrine and polity—their church law, their tradition.

                But what about Scripture? Didn't these reformers take up the banner and follow Scripture? Yes, but more important, they followed the living Christ into their world. Didn't they care about order and adherence to discipline? Yes, of course, but they also saw that legalism spelled death.

                So what do we do? What should we do as a denomination? The way forward is difficult, but Christians throughout history have not hesitated to walk through fire if their faith and trust in God was strong enough. Should we quit or shake hands and turn our backs on our friends and colleagues who disagree on this one thing alone? Are we so arrogant to think that we know enough to divide Christ’s Church over sexuality? We are not talking about grand debates about the nature of the Trinity or the divinity of Christ. We are not even talking about the Real Presence in Communion. People shed blood and died over these issues. We are talking about something that is quintessentially human. So will we divide Christ’s Church because of our own limitations? 

               I invite you to think through these issues and become more informed as we seek to embody the love and grace of God for each other as we move forward. The world is watching.

Grace,

Kathy

Is It Every OK to Ask a Person not to be a Part of Your Church?

While we believe that all people are children of God, can some stir up so much trouble and conflict that we might ask ourselves if they shouldn't be a part of our church? This is a difficult question; because, as Christians, we believe that we should love and accept everyone, no matter what. But what if accepting some people promises to damage the church community itself.

Here I'm not talking about differences of opinion, theological perspective, or lifestyle. I'm talking about people who are so toxic that they kill every church they become a part of. While there will always be people we don't like and who don't like the pastor and/or the parsonage family, that's not the point. The people I'm talking about are totally insistent on their own way or are so power hungry that they bully others. So if we love the church and want peace of mind for our spouse, what, if anything, should we do?

We might like to think that these toxic people are sick (spiritually or mentally) but sometimes these people are simply so unhappy that they can't stand when other people are happy. Or they are so controlling and insecure that they can't share--their time, gifts, talents, presence, or witness. Or perhaps they have simply turned away from God and the joy of salvation. True, they may need God in a mighty way, but...

But we are also not the pastor. We spouses are laypeople of the church, so any action or inaction we might take will be complicated by our ambiguous role in the church.

Sadly, most of us know people like this in our churches, if not this church, a previous church. My stance is to be civil to these folks, so as not to add fuel to the fire, but I don't invite them into my home and I don't pretend that we are friends. And I pray for them. But I also don't allow anyone to bully another person in my presence. In these situations, humor works best. So if one of these people complains, I typically say, "You're joking, right?" That comment usually knocks them off balance enough that other people have some space to say what they think as well.

The church is a hospital for sinners, but it can't be an emergency room for only a select few.

Your thoughts?

Grace, Kathy

Bullying Is Wrong--No Matter Who Does It

I'm told that Mother Teresa said that we can only do small acts with much love. But it seems that love is in short supply.

Liberals are bashing Chick-Fil-A for not agreeing with their view of marriage. There are even reports the gay activists will protest by having holding a Same Sex Kiss Day inside Chick-Fil-A. See:
http://wreg.com/2012/07/26/gay-activists-protest-chick-fil-a-with-same-sex-kiss-day/

That sounds like bullying to me.

Then there are the Conservatives who bash Liberals. Recently, I read "You'll know your pastor is liberal if..." It was supposed to be funny. Funny if you think making fun of others is ok.

Sounds like bullying to me.

Jesus did small and large acts of love for us. The least we can do, if we can't manage any degree of love, is to act civil toward each other. Perhaps Liberals and Conservatives need to listen while they pray the Lord's Prayer, "Forgive us as we forgive..."

Grace, Kathy

Guns and Church Security

Heard a most disturbing story. It seems that a few churches now have a security team equipped with guns! Yes, you heard right--guns. The idea is that certain men in the congregation are trained in case a gunman enters church with the intent of hurting someone. My friend told me that the church also has an emergency exit plan for the pastor and the pastor's family.

I'm glad people care about their pastor and will make plans in case of an emergency, but the thought of men carrying guns into worship makes me wince. There are just too many people with anger issues and, frankly, PTSD, to trust that someone might not use the gun they say they will protect you with and kill you or someone you care about instead.

Am I just out of the loop on this? How common is this? Do you have a security team at your church?

Happy Advent,
Kathy

To Air or Not to Air, That Is the Question

Character assassination. Surely no one wants to air their dirty laundry in public, least of all the Church. But sin, like dirt, can breed in the dark, so usually I'm on the side of bringing things into the light.

Also, no one said that serving a church is ever easy. I know lay people really don't understand this, but all of us who have served a church or been part of a clergy family know how easily things can go wrong. But I'm not talking about Ms. So-and-So who gets her feelings hurt because she was not publicly and profusely thanked. No, I'm talking about people who go out after the pastor or clergy family member with the sole intent of destroying that person's reputation.

How often does that happen? More often than you might think. But the stories often remain behind closed doors for fear and shame, and because people might muse, "Just maybe there is something to it."

Are there safe guards in place to protect innocent clergy? Frankly, no. In the UMC, the District Superintends are usually more interested in protecting the church than the pastor. If a family member is attacked--forget it. There is no help.

What can a pastor do? Sometimes not a lot. Suffer through? Move on, because only a very few "good" people will stand up? Get a lawyer? Counter sue? Sometimes the best thing is the expose the bullies, the liars, for what they are. Frankly, each situation is different.

But these things do happen. The best thing you can do is stay healthy, stay in touch with God, and stay connected to close friends. Be gentle as a dove, but as wise as a serpent. Take your church through a Healthy Congregation program.

Grace, Kathy

No Grave Can Keep Me Down

Have you heard the song, “No Grave Can Keep Me Down.” Actually, I hadn’t until I heard All Things Considered on NPR yesterday. Here is the link, if you want to hear about Claude Ely and his influence on Rock and Roll.
http://www.npr.org/2011/05/05/136019632/a-nephews-quest-who-was-brother-claude-ely

But sometimes being held back can be a good thing.

Here is what holds me back: I just want us all to get along. I want us to be like the Church in Acts, praying and living in one accord. But there is always someone who is negative or who lashes out at innocent people. And as the pastor’s spouse, I can be an easy target.

A couple of years ago, a woman at our church told me how much she enjoyed the Creationist theme park in Kentucky. Wouldn’t I love to go? Having recently convicted myself about honesty, I said, “No.” To which she replied, “Why? You don’t believe in evolution, do you? And you do believe in the Bible, don’t you?”

Actually yes, I do believe in evolution. I was a zoology and chemistry in college. And no, I am not a literalist; but yes, I do believe the Bible, but maybe not “in” the Bible, at least in the same way she does.

Naturally, I didn’t want to offend her and start parsing distinctions that she wouldn’t buy. So I simply said, “No, the theme park is just not something that interests me.” With that, she looked at me like I was un-American, whereby I seized her hesitation and changed the subject. On the whole, I felt like a coward, but one who was at least not un-Christian in her eyes.

In a choice between standing up for my beliefs and putting a relationship at risk, I chose the relationship. Am I happy about what I said? No, I felt like a coward, but at least it didn’t escalate and civility prevailed. I’m not especially proud of my response, but over the years I learned that not all confrontations are worth having.

So I held back. But at a price. Was it worth it? Yes.

There will always be things that hold us back for better and for worse, but nothing can separate us from the love of God, neither life nor death...and you know the rest.

God’s love endures forever.

Grace, Kathy

Singing a New Song to the Lord or Not

I do not get mad very often, but today I was mad.

Today was Youth Sunday. All students from seventh to twelfth grade participated in three of the four services. The youth praise band began each service with beautiful music and singing. Four high school students gave testimonies about the value of youth group in their lives. They described friendships formed during annual mission trips, weekly Bible study, and Sunday evening meetings. They also included specific ways that God was helping them make decisions regarding time management and planning for the future. Their words clearly came from their hearts and the sincerity of their thoughts was touching.

So what made me mad? Let me explain. During the early service (the only one I attended at 8:30 am) ten people left, some during the opening music, and the rest throughout the service. The music, was not the kind that is usually played. So??? Who could resist the praise band led by a junior in high school, who eloquently conducted the service, prayed, and gave a benediction. So??? The cross and flowers were removed from the altar, replaced by a white cloth and votive candles. So????? Four students gave the "sermon" instead of one pastor. So???

What really made me mad was that those people who left, could not open their hearts to worship "youth style" for even one Sunday. They missed a wonderful opportunity to be with God and worship with an energetic sincerely committed group of young people.

OK , here's the clincher. Two people came to my husband after later services, saying that the reason they were leaving was because the American flag was removed from the front of the church-- for one Sunday of the year, so that there was room for a skit that the youth presented, room for the vocalists who sang with the band, and room for a television to show a video related to what the teenagers do during their Sunday night meetings.

I don't get it. If people leave whenever something doesn't go "the way we've always done things" what does their action say about his/her life with God? If I pray and God doesn't answer, do I give up on God? Do I throw away my Bible? Do I refuse to go to church? What type of example does this type of behavior show to children and young people? Leave if something doesn't go your way?

What would Jesus do? I don't know. What do you think? What would you do?

God, I am saddened when those in your kingdom close their hearts to any new expression of being with you. You told us to love one another and to encourage those who are growing in faith. Help us renew our interest in these young people. We are praising you for the way their faith is woven into many parts of their lives. They are an example to others. May we be like them. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Still want to do away with the guarenteed appointment?

Susan and I became friends eight years ago when she was appointed as the associate pastor at the church my husband serves. We didn't get together for coffee, but conversations between church services and at church events kept us connected.

Susan moved three years ago to another church. Her husband died in April, and now she is moving again to a church closer to family, especially her elderly mother.

Susan told me about the new pastor, a woman, moving to her church. I knew that this pastor had moved under two years ago to a great church in a town of 22,000. When I asked Susan why the other woman had to move so soon, she told me, "The congregation did not accept a woman as pastor. In addition, neither the church or community embraced the pastor's two adopted bi-racial children who were in elementary school."

I was heart-broken and angry. I thought that any negative feelings toward women pastors was way in the past -- but not embracing bi-racial children -- children are children -- people are people. I wanted to jump in my car, drive to the community and read the gospel to them -- and maybe I also need to add prayer.

God there are times that we hear about those who are prejudiced and unwelcoming to all who live in your kingdom. Enter their hearts, soften their emotions, so that all may feel your presence. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Living in the Light

Dear Friends,

Jessica's gracious observations remind me about the importance of being kind and compassionate even in the face of thoughtless, or worse, malicious folks in the congregation. There have been times when I've been so broken, hurt, angry, self-righteous, etc. that I did not want to go to church at all. But I went anyway; although sometimes I had to be prodded. But with God's help, I will never let anyone snuff out my candle. People can, and have, said all kinds of things. I may be injured, but I will never be defeated. Is this because I've got some kind of super faith? No, but it is because I have a devoted spouse, a strong family, and empathic friends.

There has been some conversation about whether this is a safe place for spouses. "Somebody" might it worse for our spouses if they see something they don't like. Admittedly, this is a very real possibility. But we all know that evil loves the darkness and gossip breeds in the dark. The very best we can do is live in the light and be a positive force. It's all about power. Be careful what you say, but don't let some nameless "somebody" take away your voice.

We all know that as spouses, we see the very worst of people. But in my experience these are the people who hurt the most; they strike out because of their own pain and guilt. But we also see the very best; and that thought is what gets me through. It's Miss Esther's heart-felt prayers; it's Glen's steadfast devotion to mission; it's Paris Cotton working with my husband until midnight so that he'd get that cradle finished.

So when my spouse, or I, or even my kids become the object of someone's sin, I arm myself with these verses, "With God nothing is impossible" and "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." Because in the end, no one can defeat gracious, ever-seeking love of God.

Kathy

Love Me, Love My Daddy

As many pastors’ families are well aware, the negative emotions of the congregation can often be (mis)directed at the pastor. As my husband likes to say, “Being a leader means everything is your fault.”

Some frustration and conflict in our church flared up recently, and (naturally?) blame and nastiness got heaped on my husband. There was a flurry of unpleasant phone calls, e-mails, and he-said-she-said conversations flying about. It was a very stressful week for my husband, and—by extension—for me.

As I readied myself and our infant daughter for church the next Sunday, I thought about the enthusiastic cooing and cuddling that awaited my ever-adorable baby girl and I, and my teeth clenched up.

"How dare they?" I thought, (admittedly unfairly universalizing my frustration to not just the handful of individuals involved, but the congregation in general). How dare they fawn all over my baby and I, while inflicting such misery on my husband? Don’t they understand that we’re on my husband’s “side”? That what they say to him hurts us too?

I wanted to get her a bib that says “Love me, love my daddy.” Could they then imagine my little girl sitting by and jutting out her bottom lip, furrowing her brow, maybe starting to cry when they conspire against her beloved Daddy?

I am fairly new to the clergy-spouse thing, and definitely new to the church conflict thing, so I wonder: how do I respond when people treat me and my child as ornaments for their enjoyment, while treating my husband as a whipping boy? I wouldn’t wish to be treated equally badly, but smiling and acting like I know nothing of the conflict doesn’t work for me! Should I just avoid the offending parties, skirting through the pews the way I would dodge a long-winded person en route to the bathroom? (That sure beats the stink-eye I am tempted to give!) Tell me, fellow clergy spouses: what would you do?


Jessica Miller Kelley blogs about parenthood, books, and faith at The Parsonage Family.