About one third of us move each year, at least in my conference. Here are some ways you can help make the next parsonage family transition smoothly.
1. Well before the move, meet with the new family and get to know them. Then show them the parsonage. Also be prepared if they don't like some of the things you love about the house.
2. If the family is new to town, leave a list of important phone numbers, for example, the trash pick-up people, the nearest grocery, where to get the best coffee, where to go eat after church on Sunday, etc.
3. Make sure you leave the warranty info and directions to the various appliances.
4. Say positive things about the family to the church folks. Share some of their interests and different ways they can connect with the congregation.
5. Leave the parsonage clean when you leave, but know that the church folks will probably clean, paint, etc. after you go. Some churches use the time between parsonage families to do repairs and spruce things up.
Saying good bye can be hard, but we all want the next family to make a great first impression. You can help make that happen.
Grace,
Kathy
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts
May 14, 2014
More Moving Tips
When we sign up for being a pastor's spouse, many of us don't know that part of our UM system is moving. So if you've not an expert on moving, you will soon be.
Here are a few tips:
1. Weed through your stuff before you move. It's so much easier.
2. When you line up a mover, make sure you know things like how they plan to wrap your good furniture and what they do if it starts raining. (One time movers left my dining room table in the rain while they ran to the truck. They were afraid of lightening, but I think they just wanted a break. There was no lightening.)
3. If the movers damage your furniture, let them know immediately. Movers are insured and expect to pay for damages. Don't just say, "Oh, well."
4. Keep of list of what is in each box. I know this sounds like a pain, but when you start looking for your child's favorite toy, believe me, you'll be glad.
5. If people from the new church move you, that can be a mixed blessing. It's great as long as things go well, but it can be difficult if something unexpected happens.
6. While you may be ready to leave, there will always be folks who will miss you and your family. So make sure you let them say good-bye to you.
7. Then there will be folks who are happy for you leave. It just goes with the territory.
8. Be present when the movers do their work. While you might have some church folks volunteer to help, because you're at work, for example, don't be tempted to think that they will care for your stuff the way you do. (Church folks sat and watched the rain ruin my dining room table and didn't say anything. Nor did they go out and move it themselves, which was all of 10 feet to get it in.)
9. I've had to move by myself while my spouse was at a conference church event. This is no fun. Frankly, some movers will try to take advantage or slack off if a woman is supervising them. So this is the time to have some church folks, especially men, to make sure the movers do what they've agreed to do.
10. Clean the parsonage before you leave. The church folks might have their own cleaning crew to clean-up after you leave, but do your part. This is especially important if you are friends with the next family.
Grace, Kathy
Here are a few tips:
1. Weed through your stuff before you move. It's so much easier.
2. When you line up a mover, make sure you know things like how they plan to wrap your good furniture and what they do if it starts raining. (One time movers left my dining room table in the rain while they ran to the truck. They were afraid of lightening, but I think they just wanted a break. There was no lightening.)
3. If the movers damage your furniture, let them know immediately. Movers are insured and expect to pay for damages. Don't just say, "Oh, well."
4. Keep of list of what is in each box. I know this sounds like a pain, but when you start looking for your child's favorite toy, believe me, you'll be glad.
5. If people from the new church move you, that can be a mixed blessing. It's great as long as things go well, but it can be difficult if something unexpected happens.
6. While you may be ready to leave, there will always be folks who will miss you and your family. So make sure you let them say good-bye to you.
7. Then there will be folks who are happy for you leave. It just goes with the territory.
8. Be present when the movers do their work. While you might have some church folks volunteer to help, because you're at work, for example, don't be tempted to think that they will care for your stuff the way you do. (Church folks sat and watched the rain ruin my dining room table and didn't say anything. Nor did they go out and move it themselves, which was all of 10 feet to get it in.)
9. I've had to move by myself while my spouse was at a conference church event. This is no fun. Frankly, some movers will try to take advantage or slack off if a woman is supervising them. So this is the time to have some church folks, especially men, to make sure the movers do what they've agreed to do.
10. Clean the parsonage before you leave. The church folks might have their own cleaning crew to clean-up after you leave, but do your part. This is especially important if you are friends with the next family.
Grace, Kathy
February 4, 2014
Appointment Time Where One Is the Loneliest Number
You may have noticed that UM appointments are already being announced. As this stressful time of year visits us once again, please remember that you don't have to go it alone. Many of us have moved multiple times, sometimes to a healthier church and sometimes to a more conflicted church.
Yet, each time we've moved, I've been optimistic. True, moving is a hassle and difficult especially if you have young children. But it's also a pain as you get older and just have a lot more important stuff to haul.
Look forward to meeting new people and leaving behind problem ones. If you can, you might offer to help someone in your district. While there is collegiality between pastors, there is less for spouses. So be proactive and call someone you know. If you don't know anyone, call your DS and ask for a name. If that fails, call your Conference Connectional Ministry office.
If you'd like to get more ideas to make your move smoother, you might check out this book by F. Belton Joyner Jr., Life in the Fish Bowl: Everyday Challenges of Pastors and Their Families, 9780687332946. Or just contact us at the SpouseConnect blog.
Grace,
Kathy
Yet, each time we've moved, I've been optimistic. True, moving is a hassle and difficult especially if you have young children. But it's also a pain as you get older and just have a lot more important stuff to haul.
Look forward to meeting new people and leaving behind problem ones. If you can, you might offer to help someone in your district. While there is collegiality between pastors, there is less for spouses. So be proactive and call someone you know. If you don't know anyone, call your DS and ask for a name. If that fails, call your Conference Connectional Ministry office.
If you'd like to get more ideas to make your move smoother, you might check out this book by F. Belton Joyner Jr., Life in the Fish Bowl: Everyday Challenges of Pastors and Their Families, 9780687332946. Or just contact us at the SpouseConnect blog.
Grace,
Kathy
November 4, 2013
Healing the Hurt
Several
weeks ago I had the opportunity to go on the Walk to Emmaus, and I expected
that when I went on this retreat that God would do work in me. I was surprised, however, that it hurt.
My
dad was a United Methodist pastor, and a very good one at that, as well as a
doting father. God had done innumerable wonderful things for countless numbers
of people through him, and I have always been proud to be his daughter. I wasn’t in the habit of giving much thought
to what the fruitfulness of his ministry had actually cost me. In my mind, I had
gained a tremendous upbringing, full of prayers and full of Christ! On this retreat, I was surprised when this is
what God brought up – an awareness of the cost.
As an itinerating family, it had cost me a stable upbringing in a
community that knew me from birth and loved me.
We went from church to church, and the church where we were the longest
had been a church in which I never really fit in. In every church and through every move, God
did amazing work in the lives of other people, but each move cut into my
development in negative ways.
Now
my husband is a United Methodist pastor, and I continue in the life of
moving. In his 8 years of ministry, we
have moved 3 times. Occasionally I wake
up in the middle of the night with a terrible sense of disorientation, sensing
the tremendous disconnect I have from any one community anywhere on the
planet. And wherever we move, it seems I
am surrounded by people who have lived in the community forever, whose parents
live there, whose grandparents live there, whose childhood friends live there
with their children who now play together. Even people who have moved away from those
communities still get to return on occasion.
There is a cost.
It
was at Emmaus that God brought these things to the forefront of my mind, and I
cried and prayed, wound exposed. It was
then that God began to apply the balm.
God’s plan for the fullness of time – the goal of the universe – is to
draw all things together into a unity with God that is so close that Jesus
speaks of it in terms of his unity to the Father (Ephesians 1:10; John 17:21). When we draw close to God, we inevitably draw
close to others into the only community that is truly forever. “In me you will lack nothing,” God whispered
to my spirit. “My gift to you is
ineffable.” God wants us all there!
In
the Congo there grew beautiful acacia trees with lovely flowers and
leaves. There were birds that attacked
the food supply of the community at one point, and the people needed arrows to
shoot the birds down. And so it was
decided that they would use the wood of the acacia trees to make arrows. To do this, the tree’s flowers and leaves had
to be cut off. The God-given beauty of
the branches, the parts of the tree essential for its health and well-being,
were discarded. Then, with its flowers
and leaves gone, the branch went through the whittling process, all for the
sake of producing a straight, well-balanced arrow. To become an arrow cost the plant something
good, something that other trees got to keep.
But the arrows produced by the acacia were deadly weapons against the
threats to the community in the hands of skilled archers. Was I willing to let my flowers and leaves fall
so that my family could be a dreaded weapon in the hands of God, whose aim
never falls short?
The
cost is real. But so is the gain, for me
and for others. In him I lack nothing,
and his gift to me is ineffable. For the
sake of drawing many into this gift, I am privileged to be an arrow in his
hands. And, amazingly, it becomes my
joy.
Anonymous
October 11, 2013
When Laws Are Unjust
In this morning's paper there is a story about a 6 year-old who is being sent to live with his biological parents. According to the article, the mother was a teen when she gave birth and signed the legal documents giving up custody. She has never seen or supported the child. The biological father never signed anything, but he did file suit for custody about 5 years ago, but never acted on it until now. He has never seen the child at all nor offered any support. The child has been living with his "parents" since he was 4 days old and considers them his Mom and Dad. Up until this point, he has been a well adjusted and happy kid living a normal life with people he loves and who love him.
Enter the judge and the court system. The judge believes he is upholding the law, no doubt, but sending the child to live with his biological parents. But in this case, what is in the best interest for the child? Is this a case where the law and strict adherence to it is unjust and immoral? While we might question what is happening with this child, there is no doubt that he will be traumatized and injured as a result of living 6 of his formative years with loving people only to be sent to live with strangers who may or may not love him. He is bonded to his currently family, and psychology suggests that he will never completely bond with these other people. It's been too long and he is too old now.
We in the church can turn to what Paul says about the Law. Paul was speaking of religious law and tradition, but what he says also applies to civil law. In the church we must be careful to make sure that the form of our laws and traditions fit with the spirit of Christ, who is the fulfillment of the Law. And when we see laws that are unjust or immoral, we, as citizens, must speak up and act to change things.
When we say we want to transform the world, this is one way the world needs Christ's transformation.
Grace, Kathy
August 28, 2013
Simple and Kind Gestures of Hospitality
A few years ago, a group of clergy spouse friends who live within a twenty mile radius of each other decided to form a book group. We meet monthly for dinner and discussion--our August meeting was earlier this week.
One spouse, whose husband received a new appointment in July said to me, 'I've had something happen to me at this new church that I've never experienced."
I was really curious and replied, "What happened?"
She replied, "Every Sunday someone in the church (about 900 in the congregation) comes and sits with me. I like that gesture so much."
I remember a few anxieties during those first few Sundays in a new church. One was that I would sit in 'someone's pew' (we know how people are about 'their pew'). Another was sitting by myself. Gradually, as I got to know people, I sat with someone, however, I never had anyone come, and ask to join me.
My friend appreciated this simple gesture which conveyed welcome, hospitality, and great kindness.
What other ways have churches conveyed welcome and hospitality during those early months of a new appointment?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
One spouse, whose husband received a new appointment in July said to me, 'I've had something happen to me at this new church that I've never experienced."
I was really curious and replied, "What happened?"
She replied, "Every Sunday someone in the church (about 900 in the congregation) comes and sits with me. I like that gesture so much."
I remember a few anxieties during those first few Sundays in a new church. One was that I would sit in 'someone's pew' (we know how people are about 'their pew'). Another was sitting by myself. Gradually, as I got to know people, I sat with someone, however, I never had anyone come, and ask to join me.
My friend appreciated this simple gesture which conveyed welcome, hospitality, and great kindness.
What other ways have churches conveyed welcome and hospitality during those early months of a new appointment?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
June 25, 2013
First Sunday at a New Church
As many transition to new churches, please know that there are spouses who are praying for you.
Going to a new church can be difficult because the congregation may still be grieving the loss of the former pastor and the parsonage family. But there will also be many who were ready for a pastoral change and will welcome you with open arms.
In every congregation there are people who were close to the previous pastor and family and some of these people will continue their relationship. It's not that they don't want you, it's just that they may have had a special affinity for the previous family. In our case, there have been people in every congregation that we have kept in touch with over the years. I treasure these friendships. These friends have been with us through difficult times and we have seen each other's kids grow up. But this is not to say that this interferes with their relationship with their current pastor.Their pastor is still their pastor. And frankly, it is often easier to be friends after we leave their church.
So I hope that those of you who are moving meeting some new friends and get off to a great start.
When the church is at its best, it really becomes the Body of Christ.
Grace, Kathy
Going to a new church can be difficult because the congregation may still be grieving the loss of the former pastor and the parsonage family. But there will also be many who were ready for a pastoral change and will welcome you with open arms.
In every congregation there are people who were close to the previous pastor and family and some of these people will continue their relationship. It's not that they don't want you, it's just that they may have had a special affinity for the previous family. In our case, there have been people in every congregation that we have kept in touch with over the years. I treasure these friendships. These friends have been with us through difficult times and we have seen each other's kids grow up. But this is not to say that this interferes with their relationship with their current pastor.Their pastor is still their pastor. And frankly, it is often easier to be friends after we leave their church.
So I hope that those of you who are moving meeting some new friends and get off to a great start.
When the church is at its best, it really becomes the Body of Christ.
Grace, Kathy
May 7, 2013
Making a Good Move
Each year the Indiana Annual Conference holds a mandatory program for all pastors and spouses who are moving. Our bishop, Mike Coyner, leads the two day session. Bishop Coyner meets with clergy and spouses for part of the first afternoon. Then, two other spouses and myself, take the spouses for a separate time of gathering.
We begin with a reflection, then introductions. The rest of our time together is guided by the following questions:
1. Where are you currently living? Where are you moving?
2. How do you feel about the move?
3. What adjustments do you anticipate as you and your family settle into the new home and congregation?
4. If you have children, how old are they, and how are they responding to the move?
5. How has the current clergy family helped prepare you or your congregation for your coming?
We are intentional about making sure each person has an opportunity to talk. We finish by reviewing these suggestions offered to make a move go smoothly.
1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you have to shorten the time usually spent reading the Bible or resting in silence or prayer, the daily grounding you receive will be a reminder of God's presence.
2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if children are involved. A routine can offer structure when there is chaos all around.
3. Recognize that moving involves grief for you, and the congregations you serve and will serve. There are breaks in meaningful relationships. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, anxiety, as well as excitement are often present. Realize these responses are normal and allow time to work through those that occur. Several months of grieving may occur.
4. Be patient with yourself. Adjustments take time. Learning how to navigate streets or how to get to church or making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, the grocery store, the library, cannot be accomplished in one day. Celebrate small steps you make each day.
5. Share feelings about the move with your spouse/children so you can support each other.
6. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close. Email, facebook, and other ways of electronic communication enable persons to stay connected much better than in the past.
7. Invite friends to your new church, house/parsonage, and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting.
8. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving.
9. Recognize there are stages in life that are more difficult to move than others.
10. Take time to become acquainted/familiar with persons/ministries in the new church as you decide where to serve and when to begin.
11. Exercise regularly. A YMCA or fitness center can offer fun ways to manage stress associated with a move as well as a place to meet new people. If finances are limited, a walk is refreshing...and free.
12. Establish a new routine to add familiarity and structure in new surroundings.
13. Consider welcoming the new minister's family by leaving a note to greet them in the parsonage. Provide basic information/directions to important places such as the grocery store, pharmacy, and a couple of restaurants. If the incoming family has children, offer them to see the parsonage or to attend Bible School (if Bible School is in June, moves in the Indiana conference are effective July 1.)
The Make A Good Move program is on Friday, May 17. I am looking forward to meeting the new group of persons who are moving.
Jacquie Reed (with Julie Pimlott), Fishers, Indiana, and Greensburg, Indiana
April 30, 2013
Top Secret News
One of the hardest things about moving from one church to another is keeping the secret that a move is in the works. It’s uncomfortable ─ that period of time when you and your spouse are discerning a call to a new congregation, or for United Methodists, when you’ve been informed that you’re moving but your church hasn’t yet heard. It seems like every move results in some type of awkward interaction with members of our congregation during that secret time. During one of these times I had a sweet, elderly lady some up to me after church on Sunday and take my hand. She patted it and said, “I hope you don’t ever move, I just love you husband’s preaching.” How do you respond to that?
I know that keeping the news under wraps is important until decisions have been finalized and announcements have been made, but I often find myself feeling a bit dishonest. I suppose that is because we try our best to always be authentic and honest with our church family, and it feels foreign to keep something under wraps that is going to change their lives. Or, for others, it maybe that you’ve been wanting to move for a long time. Trying to hide the feelings of relief that it’s finally going to happen can feel uncomfortable, phony, and self-conscious.
Whatever the reason you might feel uncomfortable about keeping your upcoming move a secret, those of us in ministry have to learn to accept and deal with this awkward time as an occasional part of our lives. I tend to deal with it by reducing my contact with the congregation in the hopes of avoiding difficult conversations. It also helps to have somebody who you trust to keep confidences who you can talk to about your moving process. If you can get your anxieties out with a “safe” person, you’re less likely to have it spill out at inopportune times. That said, you can’t plan ahead for all the possible scenarios and conversations that come up. Sometimes you just have to wing it – like when you avoid responding to a little old lady by diverting the conversation into how blessed you are to be part of the church family for as long as the bishop allows you to be appointed there. But hopefully you will find ways to gracefully (and as honestly as possible) get through those few weeks.
Julie
April 11, 2013
Help and Tips for Moving to a New Church
As some of us get ready to move to new churches, perhaps you'll share some helpful tips about moving into a new home by leaving comments below this post.
While many churches still have parsonages, a growing number just give a housing allowance for the pastor's family to buy a home. We had the good fortune to be able to buy a house and live in it for about 9 years. Then when we moved to another church that has a parsonage, we rented out our home. I will say that renting has its drawbacks, but overall, it's been a good thing for us. And having our own house makes me feel much more secure if something were to happen to my spouse.
Here are some helpful moving tips:
1. Clean your house and clean out the clutter before you move. You really don't want to move the clutter with you, especially if you are moving into a smaller house.
2. Have a yard sale. Moving can be a great way to get rid of stuff and organize what you have left.
3. Just accept the fact up front that some of what you have won't fit, match, or be usable in your new house.
4. Pack so that you will have a place to stack the boxes. I've found it helpful to pack one room at a time, leaving things we need everyday for last. This means that I pack the dining room first and then stack boxes in there.
5. As you pack, mark and number the box! Show where it came from, what's inside, and where it goes.
6. Keep a list on a sheet of paper with those box numbers and what's inside. I know this sounds like a royal pain; but it really helps, especially if you have to tell the movers where to put the boxes. This will also help keep you from losing things.
7. Let the kids help as much as you can, but when you unpack, try to set up their rooms as much the same as before. And take those special bears, blankets, toys or whatever with you in the car if you can.
8. If you have professional movers, keep an eye on them and make sure that they don't damage your things. We had one mover want to leave my dining room table outside because the weather turned rainy. I told them to leave it on the truck if that was the case. I know most movers work hard and are honest, but many are careless--it's not their stuff after all.
9. Let the new church folks know when you will be moving in. They'll want to know and will want to welcome you with some good food.
10. Pray for a smooth transition and for the family that is following you at your old church.
Grace, Kathy
While many churches still have parsonages, a growing number just give a housing allowance for the pastor's family to buy a home. We had the good fortune to be able to buy a house and live in it for about 9 years. Then when we moved to another church that has a parsonage, we rented out our home. I will say that renting has its drawbacks, but overall, it's been a good thing for us. And having our own house makes me feel much more secure if something were to happen to my spouse.
Here are some helpful moving tips:
1. Clean your house and clean out the clutter before you move. You really don't want to move the clutter with you, especially if you are moving into a smaller house.
2. Have a yard sale. Moving can be a great way to get rid of stuff and organize what you have left.
3. Just accept the fact up front that some of what you have won't fit, match, or be usable in your new house.
4. Pack so that you will have a place to stack the boxes. I've found it helpful to pack one room at a time, leaving things we need everyday for last. This means that I pack the dining room first and then stack boxes in there.
5. As you pack, mark and number the box! Show where it came from, what's inside, and where it goes.
6. Keep a list on a sheet of paper with those box numbers and what's inside. I know this sounds like a royal pain; but it really helps, especially if you have to tell the movers where to put the boxes. This will also help keep you from losing things.
7. Let the kids help as much as you can, but when you unpack, try to set up their rooms as much the same as before. And take those special bears, blankets, toys or whatever with you in the car if you can.
8. If you have professional movers, keep an eye on them and make sure that they don't damage your things. We had one mover want to leave my dining room table outside because the weather turned rainy. I told them to leave it on the truck if that was the case. I know most movers work hard and are honest, but many are careless--it's not their stuff after all.
9. Let the new church folks know when you will be moving in. They'll want to know and will want to welcome you with some good food.
10. Pray for a smooth transition and for the family that is following you at your old church.
Grace, Kathy
March 27, 2013
Itineracy as a Spiritual Discipline
Many years ago (1976) when my husband, Mike, received his first appointment after completing seminary at Duke, we knew we would live in many places. We accepted the reality of moving every few years. We knew that God was with us wherever we landed. We were aware that God would mold us and grow us closer to God and to each other as we developed relationships with people in each church and
We never questioned a move. We accepted itineracy as part of ministry. We sought God for strength and courage with each church.
I hear a lot of discussion with seminary students, clergy and clergy spouses, who want to put 'guidelines' on itineracy and what he/she will accept in an appointment. Some of these restrictions are related to a spouse's employment, a child's grade in school, or various other factors. I often want to say, "Trusting God is part of an appointment. God will provide as needed. Every appointment provides a place to increase faith and dependency on God."
Twice during Mike's years of service, I had opportunities for professional advancement. One job I had to decline, because we were moving. The other job, in a different town, I sought for six years. Finally, there was an opening, for which I applied and was hired. We found out we were moving three months into the job. I was, of course, disappointed, as was Mike. However I trusted and had faith that God would provide employment in the new community. Shortly after we moved, I received a new position , which combined aspects of the job I had to decline and the job I had to leave. I was so grateful.
Last week I met with a dear friend whose husband is a district superintendent in the Indiana Conference. (The North and South Conferences merged a few years ago.) She explained that during a recent seminary visit, her husband spoke with students about itineracy as a spiritual discipline--interesting thought.
Spiritual disciplines are various practices that can increase faith and trust in God, as well as expand or open one's heart to the possibilities of growth and opportunity to love and serve in the kingdom. I am so thankful for the way my walk with God has developed each place we've lived. I cannot imagine declining or limiting an opportunity to see how God can act and provide. I left each church Mike pastored a different person--closer to God and deeper knowledge of myself.
I completely agree with my friend's husband. Perhaps itineracy needs to be added to the list of spiritual disciplines that can draw us closer to God. Jesus' ministry was itinerant. However, times are different than in 1976 when Mike began. What remains the same, however, is the importance of seeking God for all needs--for trusting God at all times--and having faith that God WILL provide no matter where one lives.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
March 14, 2013
Things to Ask When Meeting with a New Church
Families all over the UM connection are in the middle of the appointment season. Often times, there is an opportunity for you to meet the Staff/Pastor Parish Relations Committee with your pastor spouse. before the appointment is finalized as part of the consultation process. While everybody wants to make a good first impression, hopefully, you can also come away with helpful information.
Just remember to smile and be as relaxed as possible. Show them that you're glad to be there, even if you're not. Remember people take only about 30 seconds to create a first impression. So be the best self you can be.
While the SPRC/PPRC will want to look you (pastor and spouse) over, they will also want you to like them. They will be eager, most times, to want you to be a good match for their church. So finding common ground is always a good start. What do you have in common? Be interested in them and listen. If they loved their old pastor, they will still be grieving loss. But, at least in the UM system, moving pastors is just part of church life and they know that too. If they were happy to see their old pastor leave, just beware. The problem might not have been the pastor; it might be them. Still, the first meeting is an intricate dance. Praying before you go, while you are there, and after you leave is a good idea.
But you might also need some specific information, like who to contact for help moving and getting settled into the new community should you end up going to that church.
It's also a good time to evaluate their hospitality. How hospitable are they to strangers (you)? Chances are they'll treat you at least as well as other strangers. Hopefully, they will be kind and gracious people.
Despite having moved several times, I've only gone with my husband for this first meeting one time. They graciously asked me along. Their graciousness was indicative of them and continues to be. When we moved into the parsonage, it had been cleaned and they had even left some flowers and food in the refrigerator. There was a new phone book and all the keys to the house. It was a good move to a loving church. I pray your move goes as well.
Grace, Kathy
Just remember to smile and be as relaxed as possible. Show them that you're glad to be there, even if you're not. Remember people take only about 30 seconds to create a first impression. So be the best self you can be.
While the SPRC/PPRC will want to look you (pastor and spouse) over, they will also want you to like them. They will be eager, most times, to want you to be a good match for their church. So finding common ground is always a good start. What do you have in common? Be interested in them and listen. If they loved their old pastor, they will still be grieving loss. But, at least in the UM system, moving pastors is just part of church life and they know that too. If they were happy to see their old pastor leave, just beware. The problem might not have been the pastor; it might be them. Still, the first meeting is an intricate dance. Praying before you go, while you are there, and after you leave is a good idea.
But you might also need some specific information, like who to contact for help moving and getting settled into the new community should you end up going to that church.
It's also a good time to evaluate their hospitality. How hospitable are they to strangers (you)? Chances are they'll treat you at least as well as other strangers. Hopefully, they will be kind and gracious people.
Despite having moved several times, I've only gone with my husband for this first meeting one time. They graciously asked me along. Their graciousness was indicative of them and continues to be. When we moved into the parsonage, it had been cleaned and they had even left some flowers and food in the refrigerator. There was a new phone book and all the keys to the house. It was a good move to a loving church. I pray your move goes as well.
Grace, Kathy
March 7, 2013
Join When You're Ready
I've known my husband for just shy of ten years. In that time, he has served three churches. I've been members of all three, but my decision to join has looked very different in each case.
In the first church, my new friend/boyfriend was the newly hired youth pastor when we met. I helped out with the youth some on Sunday evenings and for special events and activities, but continued to search for a church "of my own" on Sunday mornings. As we got more serious, however, I wanted to make a church home with this person I hoped to make a life and marriage with, so I came over to his church, got more involved, and eventually joined, around the time we got engaged. It was the closest thing to a "normal" (i.e. unrushed, unpressured) new member process as I have had or probably will ever have.
During our first year of marriage, my new husband was appointed to lead a small church in another town. And because I didn't know any better, and wanted to be a "good little pastor's wife," I joined the church on our very first Sunday. I don't really know if it's true or not, but I assumed that was the expected thing for a clergy spouse to do. Over time, however, I really regretted that decision. That church ended up being a very poor fit for my husband and me, and our time there was largely miserable. On top of all the other frustrations, the fact that I didn't "belong" there (i.e., fit in) was put into even starker relief by the fact that I technically "belonged" (i.e. I was a member).
When we were blessedly moved four years later, I was determined not to put myself in such a situation again. So I didn't join on our first Sunday there. Or anytime in our first month there. No one said a word about it to me, though one older lady did ask my husband who they should "write to" about my membership, and my husband liked to tease me that until I joined another church, my membership would still be at our dreaded former church.
I waited more than five months before joining our new church. I had gotten to know the people. I had gotten involved. I had joined the choir. I felt like I belonged. And only then was the time right to make my "belonging" official.
When I went forward, I chose to say a few words to the congregation, explaining why I had waited:
"The pastor's spouse is often expected to join the church on the very first Sunday there. To me, that feels a little like getting engaged on your very first date. I wanted to wait until I got to know this church better to make my membership official. So now, after five months, I have come to know and love this church, and would like to join"
Three wonderful women actually got up out of their seats to come stand around me as I took the membership vows. We hugged, and I really felt they were not just church members, but my church family. People told me later that, knowing my reasoning, it meant more to them that I wanted to be a part of the church. And it meant a lot more to me, too.
In the first church, my new friend/boyfriend was the newly hired youth pastor when we met. I helped out with the youth some on Sunday evenings and for special events and activities, but continued to search for a church "of my own" on Sunday mornings. As we got more serious, however, I wanted to make a church home with this person I hoped to make a life and marriage with, so I came over to his church, got more involved, and eventually joined, around the time we got engaged. It was the closest thing to a "normal" (i.e. unrushed, unpressured) new member process as I have had or probably will ever have.
During our first year of marriage, my new husband was appointed to lead a small church in another town. And because I didn't know any better, and wanted to be a "good little pastor's wife," I joined the church on our very first Sunday. I don't really know if it's true or not, but I assumed that was the expected thing for a clergy spouse to do. Over time, however, I really regretted that decision. That church ended up being a very poor fit for my husband and me, and our time there was largely miserable. On top of all the other frustrations, the fact that I didn't "belong" there (i.e., fit in) was put into even starker relief by the fact that I technically "belonged" (i.e. I was a member).
When we were blessedly moved four years later, I was determined not to put myself in such a situation again. So I didn't join on our first Sunday there. Or anytime in our first month there. No one said a word about it to me, though one older lady did ask my husband who they should "write to" about my membership, and my husband liked to tease me that until I joined another church, my membership would still be at our dreaded former church.
I waited more than five months before joining our new church. I had gotten to know the people. I had gotten involved. I had joined the choir. I felt like I belonged. And only then was the time right to make my "belonging" official.
When I went forward, I chose to say a few words to the congregation, explaining why I had waited:
"The pastor's spouse is often expected to join the church on the very first Sunday there. To me, that feels a little like getting engaged on your very first date. I wanted to wait until I got to know this church better to make my membership official. So now, after five months, I have come to know and love this church, and would like to join"
Three wonderful women actually got up out of their seats to come stand around me as I took the membership vows. We hugged, and I really felt they were not just church members, but my church family. People told me later that, knowing my reasoning, it meant more to them that I wanted to be a part of the church. And it meant a lot more to me, too.
February 14, 2013
Preparing the Way for the Next Clergy Family
If you are part of a United Methodist clergy family,
this is probably the time of year when you start getting nervous. Is this the
year when the district superintendent is going to call and tell us it’s time to
move? If you’re from another
denomination you might be feeling the pull of the Holy Spirit or a call from
another congregation saying that it’s time to move. Some of you have already gotten the news or
made the decision that it is time to move and are starting to prepare
yourselves – talking to your children about moving, beginning to grieve over
pulling up roots, feeling relieved that the time to say goodbye to a difficult
congregation is near. And then there is
the work of getting your household ready to pack – sorting through clothes,
furniture, dishes, cds, and the junk drawer so you can decide what really need
to go to the next parsonage and what is just dead weight. You’re probably also starting to wonder who
the people are that make up your next congregation. Will they treat my pastor spouse with care
and respect? Will they accept me and our
children? Are they going to have
assumptions about what I am supposed to do as the clergy spouse? All this preparing, packing, and wondering
adds stress to what can already be a demanding life.
One of the ways we as a clergy spouse community can
support one another through the stress of moving is to help our congregations
prepare for the new clergy family. In
most cases we have the ear of the congregation and can find ways to help them
understand what their new clergy family is going through. We can talk about how they will need time to
settle in and make their own choices about how much or little they are able to
be involved in the congregation. If the
new family has children, we can talk to the children of the church to let them
know a new friend will be moving to the church. We can invite the clergy spouse and children to come to the parsonage
before they move so they can begin to vision how to best settle into their new
home. In our most recent move, I left a
note to the new clergy family welcoming them to the community, and included a
map that showed how to get to popular restaurants, grocery stores, and places
of entertainment.
You probably have other, even better ideas of how we
can help one another as we transition from one home and ministry to the
next. If you have an idea, please feel
free to share here. If helping to
welcome the next clergy family seems like too much extra work in the midst of
the craziness of packing, I can tell you from firsthand experience that this
kind of hospitality is one of the best moving gifts my family has ever received. You are in a position to give a gift that
nobody else can give, and your small efforts can make a major difference for
our clergy spouse community.
Julie
January 11, 2013
Appointment Time Decisions
Do we stay or do we go? Do we even get a choice?
Across the connection Staff Parish Relations Committees and Pastor Parish Relations Committees are meeting in this annual ritual to evaluate and vote about what the church wants to do with the pastor--keep or send packing.
This certainly can be a stressful time for clergy families. I know that one of my kids once said that she felt that even she was being sized up during these times.
At our current church, things are going well; so I've chosen not to worry about it. But in times past, when I had a definite opinion about either staying or leaving, I wasn't as nonchalant.
I have seen SPRCs be sensitive to the clergy family needs and others who really don't care much. I've seen SPRCs be helpful to the congregation and others who have sabotaged the congregation's wishes. I wouldn't say it is a crap shoot, but it sometimes feels that way. Through the process, I've seen helpful DSs and jealous, power hungry ones.
I had another spouse tell me that if pastors have a difficult time with the SPRC, it's their own fault, because they select committee members. I love this person, but she is naive at this point.The Church is a very human institution despite also being a vehicle for God's grace. And the appointment process is very imperfect. If you are looking for me to say that "Even if the process is imperfect, it's the best we can do under the circumstances," I can't. The process is imperfect but surely we can do better--and a good dose of prayer with some humility wouldn't hurt either.
So, please know that I am praying for you. And I invite you to pray as well that we embody God's love during, what can be, difficult times.
Grace, Kathy
Across the connection Staff Parish Relations Committees and Pastor Parish Relations Committees are meeting in this annual ritual to evaluate and vote about what the church wants to do with the pastor--keep or send packing.
This certainly can be a stressful time for clergy families. I know that one of my kids once said that she felt that even she was being sized up during these times.
At our current church, things are going well; so I've chosen not to worry about it. But in times past, when I had a definite opinion about either staying or leaving, I wasn't as nonchalant.
I have seen SPRCs be sensitive to the clergy family needs and others who really don't care much. I've seen SPRCs be helpful to the congregation and others who have sabotaged the congregation's wishes. I wouldn't say it is a crap shoot, but it sometimes feels that way. Through the process, I've seen helpful DSs and jealous, power hungry ones.
I had another spouse tell me that if pastors have a difficult time with the SPRC, it's their own fault, because they select committee members. I love this person, but she is naive at this point.The Church is a very human institution despite also being a vehicle for God's grace. And the appointment process is very imperfect. If you are looking for me to say that "Even if the process is imperfect, it's the best we can do under the circumstances," I can't. The process is imperfect but surely we can do better--and a good dose of prayer with some humility wouldn't hurt either.
So, please know that I am praying for you. And I invite you to pray as well that we embody God's love during, what can be, difficult times.
Grace, Kathy
November 26, 2012
Christmas Eve Chaos
My first Christmas Eve as the spouse of a solo pastor was 6 years ago. The couple of months leading up to Christmas had been a whirlwind and I was looking forward to Christmas in the hopes that it would afford me a chance to stop and catch my breath. We had received news at the end of October that my husband was being appointed to a church and that we needed to be ready to move into the new parsonage by early December. The flurry of packing and goodbyes began almost immediately and our heads were still spinning when the moving truck pulled up to our new parsonage just 5 weeks after being told that we were moving. We found ourselves in a place that, at that time, felt very foreign and was several hours away from our families.
We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.
I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.
Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.
What about that hot chocolate?
Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.
Julie
We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.
I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.
Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.
What about that hot chocolate?
Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.
Julie
June 22, 2012
Make a Good Move with Facebook
The Indiana Annual Conference concluded two weeks ago Saturday. "Three Simple Rules for Social Media"-social media guidelines for Indiana United Methodists--was a handout given to clergy, lay delegates, and clergy spouses. The three rules are "Do No Harm," "Do Good," and "Stay in Love with God." Sound familiar? These are adapted from Wesley's rules for living. A description of each rule,as well as a set of questions to ask related to the rule,were listed.
I am aware of difficulties that Facebook can bring with pastors posting comments or opinions that are inappropriate. But I am a member of Facebook because there is a private link to Indiana clergy spouses available only through Facebook. I never post anything, but often offer comments. I have noticed over the past six weeks that clergy spouses are posting almost daily about the challenges of moving. Now appointments in Indiana begin July 1, so as you can guess, families are busy getting ready.
I have read the full range of emotions related to relocation. Many express anxiety and fear. The logistics of packing, especially with young children, is a popular topic. Sadness about leaving a beloved congregation, reluctance to start over, making new friends--all of the concerns that were prevalent thirty-seven years ago when my husband started ministry, are still relevant today.
However, one of the opportunities that Facebook allows, is to give others a chance to respond. I have read words of love and encouragement, prayers offered, shared experiences with positive results, and many others. Facebook postings allow others to share in the experience that others are having. I have also noted spouses offering to connect with other spouses who are moving into the same district even before the move occurs. Facebook can break-down some of the isolation and anxiety that has characterized moving. I read animated and loving comments--sometimes eight or nine or ten responses of encouragement or comments to one posting.
I am thankful for the way Facebook is allowing clergy spouses in the Indiana Conference--and perhaps others too--to feel connected and supported by other spouses who may or may not be moving in ways not possible years ago.
Prayer: Thank you God for advances in communication that enable your people in ministry to express feelings, joys and concerns, as moving approaches; and for the opportunity these advances also offer for those of us who read their postings to respond with prayer and other means of support. We are connected in many ways, and social media opens new ways to be united in service.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
I am aware of difficulties that Facebook can bring with pastors posting comments or opinions that are inappropriate. But I am a member of Facebook because there is a private link to Indiana clergy spouses available only through Facebook. I never post anything, but often offer comments. I have noticed over the past six weeks that clergy spouses are posting almost daily about the challenges of moving. Now appointments in Indiana begin July 1, so as you can guess, families are busy getting ready.
I have read the full range of emotions related to relocation. Many express anxiety and fear. The logistics of packing, especially with young children, is a popular topic. Sadness about leaving a beloved congregation, reluctance to start over, making new friends--all of the concerns that were prevalent thirty-seven years ago when my husband started ministry, are still relevant today.
However, one of the opportunities that Facebook allows, is to give others a chance to respond. I have read words of love and encouragement, prayers offered, shared experiences with positive results, and many others. Facebook postings allow others to share in the experience that others are having. I have also noted spouses offering to connect with other spouses who are moving into the same district even before the move occurs. Facebook can break-down some of the isolation and anxiety that has characterized moving. I read animated and loving comments--sometimes eight or nine or ten responses of encouragement or comments to one posting.
I am thankful for the way Facebook is allowing clergy spouses in the Indiana Conference--and perhaps others too--to feel connected and supported by other spouses who may or may not be moving in ways not possible years ago.
Prayer: Thank you God for advances in communication that enable your people in ministry to express feelings, joys and concerns, as moving approaches; and for the opportunity these advances also offer for those of us who read their postings to respond with prayer and other means of support. We are connected in many ways, and social media opens new ways to be united in service.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
April 18, 2012
Moving or Staying?
Each year about this time, most spouses have either already asked or are still asking this question: Are we moving this year? In our conference, people are beginning to announce where they will be, so most everyone already knows. My spouse and I are staying at our church, which, while not a surprise, is still a relief.
There are many out-dated things about our UM system, but this has got to be one of them. Holding out the possibility of moving every year gets old and wears on the family. Because packing up a family and moving with all it involves, is an arduous undertaking. While, at least our conference, has said that the Cabinet does not want to move pastors "just because" and leave them for at least six years as a norm, about a third of our pastors still move each year. Go figure! Are there really that many toxic churches (probably? Maybe it's because the Cabinet doesn't do their job well in the first place--finding pastors and churches that match for maximum effectiveness.
Every year in the Spring, I usually clean closets and organize the house "just in case." While there is an upside to this, I do it mostly out of anxiety. Having moved a number of times, I want the transition to be as smooth as possible. Still it's a good chance to clean out clutter.
As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan of pulling up stakes and moving. But I've also seen the toll that pastoring a toxic church has had on my spouse and children. I never would have chosen some of the places we've lived, but God is faithful.
Please join me as we pray for families moving this year.
Kathy
There are many out-dated things about our UM system, but this has got to be one of them. Holding out the possibility of moving every year gets old and wears on the family. Because packing up a family and moving with all it involves, is an arduous undertaking. While, at least our conference, has said that the Cabinet does not want to move pastors "just because" and leave them for at least six years as a norm, about a third of our pastors still move each year. Go figure! Are there really that many toxic churches (probably? Maybe it's because the Cabinet doesn't do their job well in the first place--finding pastors and churches that match for maximum effectiveness.
Every year in the Spring, I usually clean closets and organize the house "just in case." While there is an upside to this, I do it mostly out of anxiety. Having moved a number of times, I want the transition to be as smooth as possible. Still it's a good chance to clean out clutter.
As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan of pulling up stakes and moving. But I've also seen the toll that pastoring a toxic church has had on my spouse and children. I never would have chosen some of the places we've lived, but God is faithful.
Please join me as we pray for families moving this year.
Kathy
October 12, 2011
Whi Is Building Your House
Each year the Indiana Conference has a retreat for clergy spouses. This year the theme was 'Who Is Building Your House?' based on 2 Samuel 7:27-29. Our bishop, Mike Coyner, gave the opening address, "Ten Foundations for Your House." A summary of each foundation follows:
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
September 9, 2011
More In Between Times
As we've been looking for a church, I realize that:
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)