As many now have their first Sunday at their new church, it is good to reflect on your first impressions of the congregation.
When my husband and I first started out, we served a four-point charge. At that time it was the largest multi-point charge with over 650 members. Of the four churches, three could have stood alone; and one finally did become a station church. But at the time there was a complicated worship schedule and each church had Sunday School every week. Each church was unique and had a different feel when you walked in. Not surprisingly, the church with the warm, homely, welcoming atmosphere was the one that eventually grew to became a station church. One of the other churches was satisfied being a "family chapel," and the other was divided from years of toxicity. To me, that church just felt cold. At the time, I didn't know why that church felt so unwelcoming. It was only later that I learned about their strife.
Despite the differences, however, we were called to serve each church and help them grow to more faithfully reflect the Kingdom of God. By and large, all the church folk were good to my husband and our young family. Although there was one woman who "stopped by" to check out how clean I kept the parsonage. She didn't exactly wear her white gloves, but she did remark that she was surprised how good things looked!? I guess she did this to all the parsonage families before us. Needless to say, some of the church people were easier to love than others.
But we also made some of our very best friends at that charge, and I was sorry to leave when we moved.
Over the years, I've found that my gut feelings about our churches have been on target. But despite how I feel or how they feel about me, we are all part of God's body and we have a duty to work together for the benefit of others.
I hope your first Sunday went well, whether you are new or are returning to your congregation.
Grace, Kathy
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
July 9, 2013
March 11, 2013
What Laity Think about Clergy
It never fails to amuse me to hear how little laity think a clergyperson does. I know my spouse's grandfather really did think that all pastors do is preach one hour a week, until we started sending him the church newsletter. And many pastors have the same number of committees and meetings no matter what size the church or churches. At our particular church we have about 800 members and my husband is the only pastor, although there are other full-time staff. We would never get a vacation if he didn't have some help covering the hospitals, and there have been a few times when we had to come home from vacation because someone in the congregation died. He's on call 24/7.
Pastors work very hard and have to deal with extremely difficult and complex situations. Care of souls is arduous work. For example, we had a person accused falsely but he was sent to jail anyway. The situation was complicated by the fact that the accuser, accuser's family, the accused, and the accused's family all attended the church. Needless to say, there were many hours spent in sorting everything out.
Sermons can take many hours to prepare. How would you like to prepare and memorize a 20-minute speech weekly and have about 200-300 people evaluating your every word over dinner?
Then, at least in the United Methodist Church, pastors have responsibilities beyond the local church, in the district and conference and perhaps in the jurisdiction and at the general church level. If pastors aren't careful, all they might end up doing is going to meetings.
Most pastors I know, love people and are there to serve. I know my husband wouldn't be anything else. He is called by God and gifted to serve as a pastor. But sometimes its a heavy gift. My job as a spouse is to help make the load as light as possible and smooth things out when I can. But as a Christian, I also have a calling. All Christians do.
So when people kid me about how little their pastor works, I just smile and say how wonderful and how pleased God must be that their pastor has laity like them to help share in the multitude of responsibilities. That usually ends the conversation.
Grace, Kathy
Pastors work very hard and have to deal with extremely difficult and complex situations. Care of souls is arduous work. For example, we had a person accused falsely but he was sent to jail anyway. The situation was complicated by the fact that the accuser, accuser's family, the accused, and the accused's family all attended the church. Needless to say, there were many hours spent in sorting everything out.
Sermons can take many hours to prepare. How would you like to prepare and memorize a 20-minute speech weekly and have about 200-300 people evaluating your every word over dinner?
Then, at least in the United Methodist Church, pastors have responsibilities beyond the local church, in the district and conference and perhaps in the jurisdiction and at the general church level. If pastors aren't careful, all they might end up doing is going to meetings.
Most pastors I know, love people and are there to serve. I know my husband wouldn't be anything else. He is called by God and gifted to serve as a pastor. But sometimes its a heavy gift. My job as a spouse is to help make the load as light as possible and smooth things out when I can. But as a Christian, I also have a calling. All Christians do.
So when people kid me about how little their pastor works, I just smile and say how wonderful and how pleased God must be that their pastor has laity like them to help share in the multitude of responsibilities. That usually ends the conversation.
Grace, Kathy
March 7, 2013
Join When You're Ready
I've known my husband for just shy of ten years. In that time, he has served three churches. I've been members of all three, but my decision to join has looked very different in each case.
In the first church, my new friend/boyfriend was the newly hired youth pastor when we met. I helped out with the youth some on Sunday evenings and for special events and activities, but continued to search for a church "of my own" on Sunday mornings. As we got more serious, however, I wanted to make a church home with this person I hoped to make a life and marriage with, so I came over to his church, got more involved, and eventually joined, around the time we got engaged. It was the closest thing to a "normal" (i.e. unrushed, unpressured) new member process as I have had or probably will ever have.
During our first year of marriage, my new husband was appointed to lead a small church in another town. And because I didn't know any better, and wanted to be a "good little pastor's wife," I joined the church on our very first Sunday. I don't really know if it's true or not, but I assumed that was the expected thing for a clergy spouse to do. Over time, however, I really regretted that decision. That church ended up being a very poor fit for my husband and me, and our time there was largely miserable. On top of all the other frustrations, the fact that I didn't "belong" there (i.e., fit in) was put into even starker relief by the fact that I technically "belonged" (i.e. I was a member).
When we were blessedly moved four years later, I was determined not to put myself in such a situation again. So I didn't join on our first Sunday there. Or anytime in our first month there. No one said a word about it to me, though one older lady did ask my husband who they should "write to" about my membership, and my husband liked to tease me that until I joined another church, my membership would still be at our dreaded former church.
I waited more than five months before joining our new church. I had gotten to know the people. I had gotten involved. I had joined the choir. I felt like I belonged. And only then was the time right to make my "belonging" official.
When I went forward, I chose to say a few words to the congregation, explaining why I had waited:
"The pastor's spouse is often expected to join the church on the very first Sunday there. To me, that feels a little like getting engaged on your very first date. I wanted to wait until I got to know this church better to make my membership official. So now, after five months, I have come to know and love this church, and would like to join"
Three wonderful women actually got up out of their seats to come stand around me as I took the membership vows. We hugged, and I really felt they were not just church members, but my church family. People told me later that, knowing my reasoning, it meant more to them that I wanted to be a part of the church. And it meant a lot more to me, too.
In the first church, my new friend/boyfriend was the newly hired youth pastor when we met. I helped out with the youth some on Sunday evenings and for special events and activities, but continued to search for a church "of my own" on Sunday mornings. As we got more serious, however, I wanted to make a church home with this person I hoped to make a life and marriage with, so I came over to his church, got more involved, and eventually joined, around the time we got engaged. It was the closest thing to a "normal" (i.e. unrushed, unpressured) new member process as I have had or probably will ever have.
During our first year of marriage, my new husband was appointed to lead a small church in another town. And because I didn't know any better, and wanted to be a "good little pastor's wife," I joined the church on our very first Sunday. I don't really know if it's true or not, but I assumed that was the expected thing for a clergy spouse to do. Over time, however, I really regretted that decision. That church ended up being a very poor fit for my husband and me, and our time there was largely miserable. On top of all the other frustrations, the fact that I didn't "belong" there (i.e., fit in) was put into even starker relief by the fact that I technically "belonged" (i.e. I was a member).
When we were blessedly moved four years later, I was determined not to put myself in such a situation again. So I didn't join on our first Sunday there. Or anytime in our first month there. No one said a word about it to me, though one older lady did ask my husband who they should "write to" about my membership, and my husband liked to tease me that until I joined another church, my membership would still be at our dreaded former church.
I waited more than five months before joining our new church. I had gotten to know the people. I had gotten involved. I had joined the choir. I felt like I belonged. And only then was the time right to make my "belonging" official.
When I went forward, I chose to say a few words to the congregation, explaining why I had waited:
"The pastor's spouse is often expected to join the church on the very first Sunday there. To me, that feels a little like getting engaged on your very first date. I wanted to wait until I got to know this church better to make my membership official. So now, after five months, I have come to know and love this church, and would like to join"
Three wonderful women actually got up out of their seats to come stand around me as I took the membership vows. We hugged, and I really felt they were not just church members, but my church family. People told me later that, knowing my reasoning, it meant more to them that I wanted to be a part of the church. And it meant a lot more to me, too.
January 7, 2013
Grace in the Midst of Conflict
Like many young families in
ministry, we have had times when my husband was appointed to a church as an
associate pastor. For many families,
these are some of the best years in ministry – less pressure because there is a
senior minister who has the weightier responsibilities, the chance to be
mentored by a seasoned clergy/clergy spouse, the ability to focus on a
particular kind of ministry rather than administration. For other families, the years as an associate
pastor are a tremendous struggle – senior ministers that micro-manage or are
unwilling to share the pulpit, congregations that ask when the pastor is going
to visit as the associate is walking out of a parishioner’s door after a visit,
being stuck with the responsibilities that nobody else is willing to do.
Being the spouse of the associate
pastor when things aren’t going so well can be tough. I sometimes found it hard to sit in church
and be open to the senior pastor’s message when I knew what was going on behind
the scenes. All I could think about was
the most recent conflict in which it seemed like my husband had once again
gotten the short end of the stick. It
was also sometimes awkward. The few
occasions when I was alone with the senior pastor were sometimes uncomfortable
because we both knew that there was animosity in the air.
However, in
the midst of what was one of the most stressful times in ministry was one very
bright spot. The spouse of the senior
pastor was incredibly gracious and kind to both me and my husband throughout
that period. I am sure she was as aware
as I was of the conflict going on between our husbands. Yet she always greeted us warmly and never let
it stand in the way of our friendship.
As the “junior” and still very inexperienced clergy-spouse, I felt powerless
to do anything to make the tension better, but she extended tremendous grace to
me and my family. She set the tone for
how we all conducted ourselves even in the midst of conflict. Her efforts built the one and only bridge
that allows our two families to have any sort of positive relationship to this
day.
If you are reading this and you are
the “junior” spouse, I hope you will focus on the positive relationships that
will help get you through this time. If
you are the “senior” spouse, know that you have the ability to build and even
repair relationships in ways that your pastor-spouse cannot. Your reaching out can have a positive affect that
will last throughout the lifetime of someone else’s ministry.
Julie
.
August 21, 2012
How Do You Answer Big Questions?
The big questions keep coming my way. Even though my husband retired from ministry a year ago, my identity as one who can field and perhaps offer insight to difficult questions continues. A few years ago I even completed a two-year course of study at the Benedictine monastery in Indianapolis to become a spiritual director. Although I learned a lot about the desert fathers and mothers and other influential persons across denominations, when I get asked "big questions," I still struggle to find some sort of comforting answer. I find that no amount of training can ever prepare me for these persistent questions. I am grateful when God steps in, and provides answers; although, the words come from my mouth, they are not truly mine.
Although I do spiritual direction with persons individually, people often come up and ask me those big questions in Target, the library, the grocery store parking lot, at my kitchen table. Perhaps you attract them too.
Here is a question that came my way this week. Today I was at the library, tutoring a student. Her mother mentioned that she received a notice from her church to work in childcare. The mother said, "I felt terrible that I couldn't volunteer. I got the notice on Wednesday for the following Sunday. We already had plans for a family gathering Sunday morning. Am I a bad Christian because I said no?"
My answer to Judy: "No, you are not a bad Christian. Sometimes things don't work out. There will be other times when you can volunteer."
The question I asked myself was, "Why does this woman put a negative judgement on her life? Why did she frame it as being a good or bad Christian? Who told her she couldn't reasonably say no?
How would you have answered? What do you say when people ask you big questions out of the blue? Who do you turn to when you have big questions?
Jacquie
Fishers, Indiana
Although I do spiritual direction with persons individually, people often come up and ask me those big questions in Target, the library, the grocery store parking lot, at my kitchen table. Perhaps you attract them too.
Here is a question that came my way this week. Today I was at the library, tutoring a student. Her mother mentioned that she received a notice from her church to work in childcare. The mother said, "I felt terrible that I couldn't volunteer. I got the notice on Wednesday for the following Sunday. We already had plans for a family gathering Sunday morning. Am I a bad Christian because I said no?"
My answer to Judy: "No, you are not a bad Christian. Sometimes things don't work out. There will be other times when you can volunteer."
The question I asked myself was, "Why does this woman put a negative judgement on her life? Why did she frame it as being a good or bad Christian? Who told her she couldn't reasonably say no?
How would you have answered? What do you say when people ask you big questions out of the blue? Who do you turn to when you have big questions?
Jacquie
Fishers, Indiana
August 13, 2012
Lessons from the Olympics--Happiness Is Perspective
I love the Olympics and am sorry that we'll have to wait 18 months for the Winter games. They offer some good life lessons.
Perhaps you heard the research, but it seems that bronze medals winners are generally happier than the silver medalists. The silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medal winners. They think, "If only I had done a little more." So they go to the podium disappointed. The bronze medalists, on the other hand, compare themselves to all the people who didn't win. They see themselves as much better off and just lucky to be there at all. They go to the podium with gratitude. The level of happiness is a matter of who they compare themselves to.
Are you happy? Who do you compare yourself too? We are blessed with so much material and spiritual wealth. But many don't feel satisfied with their blessings, because they think other people have more. They feel shorted even cheated when compared to "everyone" else.
While I certainly like my creature comforts, there have been times when our family struggled. The parsonage was substandard. Money, or the lack of it, was a constant worry. If seemed that we were always just one step away from financial ruin. But we were still happy. Happy to be together and learning how to depend on God with more trust. Times are better for us now, but the lessons we learned from the hard times have not gone unheeded. And now I can even thank God for them.
How is it with you? Are you struggling? Are you continually disappointed with your lot in life? Perhaps it is time to express gratitude for what you do have and thank God for your blessings, which God willingly wants for us.
Dear God, With so many unhappy people in our congregations, help us keep our eyes focused on you and the blessings you give us. Help us express gratitude so that we can experience the joy of living. In Christ's name, Amen.
Grace, Kathy
Perhaps you heard the research, but it seems that bronze medals winners are generally happier than the silver medalists. The silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medal winners. They think, "If only I had done a little more." So they go to the podium disappointed. The bronze medalists, on the other hand, compare themselves to all the people who didn't win. They see themselves as much better off and just lucky to be there at all. They go to the podium with gratitude. The level of happiness is a matter of who they compare themselves to.
Are you happy? Who do you compare yourself too? We are blessed with so much material and spiritual wealth. But many don't feel satisfied with their blessings, because they think other people have more. They feel shorted even cheated when compared to "everyone" else.
While I certainly like my creature comforts, there have been times when our family struggled. The parsonage was substandard. Money, or the lack of it, was a constant worry. If seemed that we were always just one step away from financial ruin. But we were still happy. Happy to be together and learning how to depend on God with more trust. Times are better for us now, but the lessons we learned from the hard times have not gone unheeded. And now I can even thank God for them.
How is it with you? Are you struggling? Are you continually disappointed with your lot in life? Perhaps it is time to express gratitude for what you do have and thank God for your blessings, which God willingly wants for us.
Dear God, With so many unhappy people in our congregations, help us keep our eyes focused on you and the blessings you give us. Help us express gratitude so that we can experience the joy of living. In Christ's name, Amen.
Grace, Kathy
July 25, 2012
Growing a Healthy Mission-Oriented Church
How do you grow your church? As you know, there are about a million books on the subject. But the one thing that these books don't talk about is that a healthy clergy family is a key ingredient. Why?
Dan Dick's research shows that the sicker the church, the more hours the pastor puts in. So if a pastor's family is not healthy enough to survive the stress of back-breaking hours of work at/for the church, pastors will surely fail at their efforts to grow the church. When one parent is away, at work, or otherwise committed, it takes extra effort from the other spouse. If one parent is busy visiting, evangelizing, meeting, administrating, comforting, appearing in court for a wayward church member, the other parent has to take up the slack with the children--their homework, their busy schedules, their daily wants and needs. And since most spouses also work, that means that the spouse has to be healthy enough to meet most or all of the family demands, because there always has to be a parent on-call.
The pastor's spouse has to take up the slack when the demands of the church tax the pastor. But the family, not just spouse, has to have effective (healthy) ways to process and solve their own troubles and conflicts. Too much conflict at home, means that the pastor cannot be as effective at church. This does not mean that the clergy family is supposed to sweep their problems under the rug and not deal with them--most kids I know won't tolerate that anyway for long. But it does mean that when family trials come, the family has to have enough resilience to handle their problems without spilling over into an already demanding church situation.
But be aware, if the church is toxic, the church sickness can easily effect the clergy family, unless the pastor and the family are differentiated from the church family. So spouses need to remind the pastor that their family is not an merely an extension of the church family.
One way to keep healthy clergy families is for the pastor and spouse to keep their priorities straight and make some decisions up front and then clearly communicate those decisions to their family but also to the church. What is most important when? What counts as an emergency? Will the pastor always take a call from a family member, even if in the middle of a meeting or counseling session? Under what circumstance will the parent (no matter which one)leave work to attend to a child? Likewise, what constitutes a church emergency when the pastor may have to pick up and leave immediately?
If you want to grow a healthy mission-oriented church, the pastor's family is essential to make that happen.
Grace, Kathy
Dan Dick's research shows that the sicker the church, the more hours the pastor puts in. So if a pastor's family is not healthy enough to survive the stress of back-breaking hours of work at/for the church, pastors will surely fail at their efforts to grow the church. When one parent is away, at work, or otherwise committed, it takes extra effort from the other spouse. If one parent is busy visiting, evangelizing, meeting, administrating, comforting, appearing in court for a wayward church member, the other parent has to take up the slack with the children--their homework, their busy schedules, their daily wants and needs. And since most spouses also work, that means that the spouse has to be healthy enough to meet most or all of the family demands, because there always has to be a parent on-call.
The pastor's spouse has to take up the slack when the demands of the church tax the pastor. But the family, not just spouse, has to have effective (healthy) ways to process and solve their own troubles and conflicts. Too much conflict at home, means that the pastor cannot be as effective at church. This does not mean that the clergy family is supposed to sweep their problems under the rug and not deal with them--most kids I know won't tolerate that anyway for long. But it does mean that when family trials come, the family has to have enough resilience to handle their problems without spilling over into an already demanding church situation.
But be aware, if the church is toxic, the church sickness can easily effect the clergy family, unless the pastor and the family are differentiated from the church family. So spouses need to remind the pastor that their family is not an merely an extension of the church family.
One way to keep healthy clergy families is for the pastor and spouse to keep their priorities straight and make some decisions up front and then clearly communicate those decisions to their family but also to the church. What is most important when? What counts as an emergency? Will the pastor always take a call from a family member, even if in the middle of a meeting or counseling session? Under what circumstance will the parent (no matter which one)leave work to attend to a child? Likewise, what constitutes a church emergency when the pastor may have to pick up and leave immediately?
If you want to grow a healthy mission-oriented church, the pastor's family is essential to make that happen.
Grace, Kathy
February 6, 2012
Boundaries: What Do You Do?
Last week I was talking with a friend, whose husband is a pastor. She explained a situation with someone at her church, which left her feeling uncomfortable and perplexed. She described how a leader in the church, comes to her, places his hands on her shoulders and massages gently. He does this with other women too. She does not know if she should say anything to this man--she fears angering him--with possible repercussion to her husband, in a fairly recent appointment.
Interestingly, I had a similar experience a few days ago. I was a presenter at a district event. I entered the church, and was talking to a few people in the hallway. The pastor of the church, whom I do not know, came to me, wrapped his arms around me, got right in my face, and said, 'Can I help you find your room?' I was astonished. I stepped away quickly from his "embrace" and said,"No I know where to go."
Maintaining appropriate boundaries in a church can be very delicate for a pastor/spouse/family and a congregation.
How do others handle such situations?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
Interestingly, I had a similar experience a few days ago. I was a presenter at a district event. I entered the church, and was talking to a few people in the hallway. The pastor of the church, whom I do not know, came to me, wrapped his arms around me, got right in my face, and said, 'Can I help you find your room?' I was astonished. I stepped away quickly from his "embrace" and said,"No I know where to go."
Maintaining appropriate boundaries in a church can be very delicate for a pastor/spouse/family and a congregation.
How do others handle such situations?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
December 20, 2011
Receiving Gifts from the Church?
After years in the ministry, I still have mixed feelings about this. While no one is in ministry to get rich or to find earthly reward, still, a token of remembrance at Christmas shouldn't be too much to ask for. Or am I wrong on this?
Currently, we are in a loving and generous Church. And we do receive gifts from some church members individually, but there is no gift from the Church as a whole. This surprises me because the choir regularly collects money for a gift for the choir director and organist, and I'm for that too. It just seems odd to me that the Church doesn't take the opportunity to say thank-you to the pastor.
Of the churches we have served, there have only been one or two that gave the pastor a Christmas gift. One was a small, loving congregation who gave generously; the other was not as kind and gave only because they thought it was their duty--that was my read anyway.
My spouse has no problem with not getting a gift from the Church. I confess that it's just me. Part of my feeling stems from the fact that the companies I've worked for always do something. So I don't understand why the Church does not.
And I guess it makes me angry to know how much my spouse does and at what expense in terms of time, commitment, physical endurance, and yes, money, without the Church acknowledging his many gifts to them throughout the year. It seems to me that too often the Church acts like spoiled children who believe they are entitled to all that the pastor does.
Kathy
Currently, we are in a loving and generous Church. And we do receive gifts from some church members individually, but there is no gift from the Church as a whole. This surprises me because the choir regularly collects money for a gift for the choir director and organist, and I'm for that too. It just seems odd to me that the Church doesn't take the opportunity to say thank-you to the pastor.
Of the churches we have served, there have only been one or two that gave the pastor a Christmas gift. One was a small, loving congregation who gave generously; the other was not as kind and gave only because they thought it was their duty--that was my read anyway.
My spouse has no problem with not getting a gift from the Church. I confess that it's just me. Part of my feeling stems from the fact that the companies I've worked for always do something. So I don't understand why the Church does not.
And I guess it makes me angry to know how much my spouse does and at what expense in terms of time, commitment, physical endurance, and yes, money, without the Church acknowledging his many gifts to them throughout the year. It seems to me that too often the Church acts like spoiled children who believe they are entitled to all that the pastor does.
Kathy
December 9, 2011
You Is Your Pastor?
This issue was raised in one of the comments and it is a good one. Who is the pastor of the clergy family? According to many, it is the District Superintendent. But is this true in your experience? And how realistic is it that you would go to your spouse's supervisor for help? But who should it be? Who can you turn to for help, spiritual and otherwise?
For example, who visited you in the hospital when you had your child? In my case, just my husband. For some, however, the spouse was too busy tending to the needs of the congregation to visit much during this crucial time.
In our conference, there are counselors available, but no designated chaplain. But in some conferences there is a person at the conference level who does act as a chaplain, or so I've heard. Is this true in your conference?
While I would never go to a DS or Bishop, I would have gone to Mary Morris. I first got acquainted with Mary when she was our DS's spouse. She was smart, kind, and politically savvy. A former school teacher, Mary was the person who introduced me (and others) to other spouses and got me going to the spouse events. When I think about her, I do believe she was a spiritual guide for many of us. I thought a lot of her husband, Bill, but loved Mary. I guess you could say, she was my pastor.
So when I need spiritual help, who do I go to now? Other spouse friends. In my experience, they are called by God into ministry as well--perhaps not a popular idea, but they pastor me.
Grace, Kathy
For example, who visited you in the hospital when you had your child? In my case, just my husband. For some, however, the spouse was too busy tending to the needs of the congregation to visit much during this crucial time.
In our conference, there are counselors available, but no designated chaplain. But in some conferences there is a person at the conference level who does act as a chaplain, or so I've heard. Is this true in your conference?
While I would never go to a DS or Bishop, I would have gone to Mary Morris. I first got acquainted with Mary when she was our DS's spouse. She was smart, kind, and politically savvy. A former school teacher, Mary was the person who introduced me (and others) to other spouses and got me going to the spouse events. When I think about her, I do believe she was a spiritual guide for many of us. I thought a lot of her husband, Bill, but loved Mary. I guess you could say, she was my pastor.
So when I need spiritual help, who do I go to now? Other spouse friends. In my experience, they are called by God into ministry as well--perhaps not a popular idea, but they pastor me.
Grace, Kathy
October 12, 2011
Whi Is Building Your House
Each year the Indiana Conference has a retreat for clergy spouses. This year the theme was 'Who Is Building Your House?' based on 2 Samuel 7:27-29. Our bishop, Mike Coyner, gave the opening address, "Ten Foundations for Your House." A summary of each foundation follows:
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
September 9, 2011
More In Between Times
As we've been looking for a church, I realize that:
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
1)I am still grieving the church family we left after fifteen years. I've learned that making decisions during grief is not wise--so I continue the path of grieving and seeking--grieving and seeking each week.
2)Connections are not made quickly. I had to leave deep, deep friendships, prayer support, and ministries, which helped me grow closer to God and provided an opportunity for spiritual nourishment. Having to leave a place that had become "holy ground" and persons, who represented Christ to me in some way, is extremely difficult. However, I just remember that friendships are formed gradually over weeks and months and maybe years.
3)I am realizing how my role as "the pastor's wife" opened more opportunities for involvement and friendship than just being a "regular person," who walks through the door of the church each week. I never had to worry about people to meet or places to go. People came to me. I was able to get ministries started quickly, because Mike was my husband. Although I did have to go through proper channels my requests were honored quickly. I never realized how much being the pastor's wife was my ticket to implementing what I believed God was telling me to do.
So, as time passes, I am becoming more comfortable in "ordinary time," which I am finding is not "boring, uneventful, undistinguished" as Wendy Wright asserts. I find myself enjoying these large expanses of time where I can sit and rest with God. I am not running out every other night to a meeting at church or planning an event. And, most important, I am finding new pathways within myself to walk with God--something that might not have been possible to the extent I am experiencing if I was still connected to church.
I do not know how long I will be here. But I am not pushing myself to move on. Cultivating the richness of this opportunity, I am realizing is a gift. I'll know when "ordinary time" will end, but right now I am resting in the pattern of grieving and seeking in God's presence.
God, many times we find ourselves in ordinary time. Help us to welcome the tension involved in ordinary time as a stirring in our souls to go deeper into ourselves and with you. Self-knowledge and a closer walk with you are woven together in the ordinary times we experience. We have the assurance that you are with us always; and for that constant grounding, we offer thanks. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
May 9, 2011
Welcoming a New Pastor and Spouse
Mike and I had a unique opportunity Wednesday. We met the new pastor and his wife, Kevin and Joyce. We did not know either one of them as most of Kevin's ministry has been in the southern part of Indiana. They were in Fishers for a few days making arrangements for the home they are building. Mike and I took them to a morning meeting at the church, where they had some time to get to know the staff.
The semi-annual fish/chicken fry also happened to be going on Wednesday evening. So Mike and I decided that if Kevin and Joyce wanted to meet us at 5:00 pm, we would take them to each table and introduce them around. They thought that was a good idea so for an hour and a half, we went from table to table. The four of us didn't sit down until after 7:30.
Mike and I were talking later that evening about how nice it was to let everyone meet Joyce and Kevin. The informal setting allowed Mike to tell stories or relate interesting facts as he made the introductions. I don't know how much Kevin and Joyce will remember, but that is not important. Because they were able to hear remarks like, "We've been praying for you." and "We're excited you are coming." They were able to capture the welcoming spirit of those gathered and to sense the anticipation for new energy and ideas.
How was the experience for me? Well, at times I felt sad as I realized that this is the beginning of the end. I knew that there may not be another chance to see some of these persons, because they attend another service or they may not be able to attend the reception planned for us at the end of June. I heard lots of affirmation and support for Mike's ministry as well as a few comments for myself. And I sense that there is lots of growing that I still need to do before we finally say good-bye. So I am trusting God to care for me and direct my paths.
God, I know that the church will benefit from the new gifts and energy that Kevin and Joyce will bring. I treasure the comments that persons made to Mike and me while we were host and hostess to these new friends. Keep us seeking you at all times. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
The semi-annual fish/chicken fry also happened to be going on Wednesday evening. So Mike and I decided that if Kevin and Joyce wanted to meet us at 5:00 pm, we would take them to each table and introduce them around. They thought that was a good idea so for an hour and a half, we went from table to table. The four of us didn't sit down until after 7:30.
Mike and I were talking later that evening about how nice it was to let everyone meet Joyce and Kevin. The informal setting allowed Mike to tell stories or relate interesting facts as he made the introductions. I don't know how much Kevin and Joyce will remember, but that is not important. Because they were able to hear remarks like, "We've been praying for you." and "We're excited you are coming." They were able to capture the welcoming spirit of those gathered and to sense the anticipation for new energy and ideas.
How was the experience for me? Well, at times I felt sad as I realized that this is the beginning of the end. I knew that there may not be another chance to see some of these persons, because they attend another service or they may not be able to attend the reception planned for us at the end of June. I heard lots of affirmation and support for Mike's ministry as well as a few comments for myself. And I sense that there is lots of growing that I still need to do before we finally say good-bye. So I am trusting God to care for me and direct my paths.
God, I know that the church will benefit from the new gifts and energy that Kevin and Joyce will bring. I treasure the comments that persons made to Mike and me while we were host and hostess to these new friends. Keep us seeking you at all times. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
October 28, 2010
29 Gifts: How A Month of Giving Can Change Your Life
Last Sunday, I participated in a meditation/discussion time with Cami Walker, who wrote
29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life.
Cami was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis several years ago. Her lifestyle was severely compromised by the illness. During a time of frustration, she consulted a spiritual mentor who attempted to pull her out of self-pity by saying, "Cami, I think you need to stop thinking about yourself." Cami was stunned into silence. The mentor continued, "If you spend all of your time and energy focusing on your pain, you're feeding the disease. You're making it worse by putting all of your attention there. I'm going to give you a tool to help you dig yourself out. I want you to give away 29 gifts in 29 days. These gifts don't have to be material things. By giving you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking a positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life."Although Cami was reluctant, she decided to follow the mentor's advice. She chronicles the 29 days of giving in her book and at the end describes the multitude of changes in her life that have resulted.
I was somewhat hesitant to try giving intentionally for 29 days, because she also discusses what possibilities for receiving might occur as a result. "Giving with the expectation of receiving? Doesn't Jesus say "It is more blessed to give than to receive?" Besides one thing I have worked on in my own life is letting go of expectations of what a person might do with a gift I offer, especially if he/she does something completely opposite of what I intended.
Then I recognized the resistance I felt almost immediately to the possibility of receiving something. Receiving always makes me uncomfortable. As I explored the resistance more closely, I realized that I needed to confront my own sense of worth -- a constant struggle from trauma during the first two decades of my life. However, I kept reading the book and decided to begin my own documented 29 days of giving. I discovered that finding ways to give was easy -- opening a door for the person coming into a store behind me, greeting someone with "good morning," offering the person behind me in line at Target my place since this mother had two fussy children.
I quickly discovered after only two days that as I became more aware of ways to gift others, I was more aware of the way others were gifting me, such as someone I had not seen for several months from church, giving me a hug when we encountered each other unexpectedly. I found that I was feeling better about myself, not from an egotistical stance, but from being present to another in a moment in time.
So far, I have completed four days. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life.
Cami was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis several years ago. Her lifestyle was severely compromised by the illness. During a time of frustration, she consulted a spiritual mentor who attempted to pull her out of self-pity by saying, "Cami, I think you need to stop thinking about yourself." Cami was stunned into silence. The mentor continued, "If you spend all of your time and energy focusing on your pain, you're feeding the disease. You're making it worse by putting all of your attention there. I'm going to give you a tool to help you dig yourself out. I want you to give away 29 gifts in 29 days. These gifts don't have to be material things. By giving you are focusing on what you have to offer others, inviting more abundance into your life. Giving of any kind is taking a positive action that begins the process of change. It will shift your energy for life."Although Cami was reluctant, she decided to follow the mentor's advice. She chronicles the 29 days of giving in her book and at the end describes the multitude of changes in her life that have resulted.
I was somewhat hesitant to try giving intentionally for 29 days, because she also discusses what possibilities for receiving might occur as a result. "Giving with the expectation of receiving? Doesn't Jesus say "It is more blessed to give than to receive?" Besides one thing I have worked on in my own life is letting go of expectations of what a person might do with a gift I offer, especially if he/she does something completely opposite of what I intended.
Then I recognized the resistance I felt almost immediately to the possibility of receiving something. Receiving always makes me uncomfortable. As I explored the resistance more closely, I realized that I needed to confront my own sense of worth -- a constant struggle from trauma during the first two decades of my life. However, I kept reading the book and decided to begin my own documented 29 days of giving. I discovered that finding ways to give was easy -- opening a door for the person coming into a store behind me, greeting someone with "good morning," offering the person behind me in line at Target my place since this mother had two fussy children.
I quickly discovered after only two days that as I became more aware of ways to gift others, I was more aware of the way others were gifting me, such as someone I had not seen for several months from church, giving me a hug when we encountered each other unexpectedly. I found that I was feeling better about myself, not from an egotistical stance, but from being present to another in a moment in time.
So far, I have completed four days. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
October 25, 2010
Do You Like Being a Minister's Spouse?
Do you? Do you like being a minister's spouse?
I have to admit that, for the most part, I actually do. Sure, I don't like the stereotype of the mousy, under-achieving, do-gooder, who can't stand up for herself (or himself) and her (or his) family.
But I have never met a spouse who fits that stereotype either.
The spouses I know are wise beyond their years and articulate as all get out.
Being a spouse gives me a leadership role in the church and gives me access to all sorts of people. Sometimes I know the "inside" story and sometimes, I prefer not to be involved.
My spouse and I have an arrangement: he is the pastor and I support the ministries of the church as my gifts and time allow. And we have both honored our parts of the agreement.
I made the mistake, one time, of offering to play the piano for the service. You must realize that I am a very poor player and had to practice those four hymns all week. You see, I thought there was no one else who could step forward. That Sunday, I played to badly that not only was I embarrassed, but others were embarrassed for me. But months later I happened to discover that a friend of mine could play and play very well. Needless to say, I was angry at her. How could she let me do such a thing? Happily, she was ashamed; but she never did offer to play at church and I never did either; but others did. The experience taught me a valuable lesson. God does not leave himself without a witness, and I don't have to help just because I am the spouse.
Actually, this freed me to enjoy what I do at the church, because I am not coerced.
How about you? What have you learned from being the minister's spouse?
Kathy
I have to admit that, for the most part, I actually do. Sure, I don't like the stereotype of the mousy, under-achieving, do-gooder, who can't stand up for herself (or himself) and her (or his) family.
But I have never met a spouse who fits that stereotype either.
The spouses I know are wise beyond their years and articulate as all get out.
Being a spouse gives me a leadership role in the church and gives me access to all sorts of people. Sometimes I know the "inside" story and sometimes, I prefer not to be involved.
My spouse and I have an arrangement: he is the pastor and I support the ministries of the church as my gifts and time allow. And we have both honored our parts of the agreement.
I made the mistake, one time, of offering to play the piano for the service. You must realize that I am a very poor player and had to practice those four hymns all week. You see, I thought there was no one else who could step forward. That Sunday, I played to badly that not only was I embarrassed, but others were embarrassed for me. But months later I happened to discover that a friend of mine could play and play very well. Needless to say, I was angry at her. How could she let me do such a thing? Happily, she was ashamed; but she never did offer to play at church and I never did either; but others did. The experience taught me a valuable lesson. God does not leave himself without a witness, and I don't have to help just because I am the spouse.
Actually, this freed me to enjoy what I do at the church, because I am not coerced.
How about you? What have you learned from being the minister's spouse?
Kathy
August 25, 2010
Soul Care and the Cause of Clergy Burnout
This recent article from the Huffington Post is by Anne Dilenschneider.
There's been quite an interest lately in clergy burnout in the media. The New York Times has published several pieces on the subject: "Taking a Break from the Lord's Work" by Paul Vitello, and "Congregations Gone Wild" by G. Jeffrey MacDonald. The Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School has published a new report on the poor mental and physical health of pastors. NPR has featured interviews on the subject. Remedies range from developing better boundaries to engaging in self-care to putting the brakes on the demands of congregation members.
There certainly is cause for concern. However, my doctoral research on transformational leadership and the spiritual life of pastors, as well as 12 years of consulting in the field, show that the causes of clergy burnout and poor mental and physical health are far deeper than poor boundaries, or the failure to engage in self-care, or the seemingly insatiable desires of congregations. Burnout and poor health are symptoms of a far deeper "dis-ease" of soul that has plagued clergy for nearly 100 years. They are symptoms of starvation. Addressing the symptoms of burnout does not get to the root of this serious matter.
Pastors who are effective and get things done are considered "successful." Denominations, including The United Methodist Church, focus on results that can be measured (e.g., increased membership and the congregation's financial well-being). Yet numerous studies over the past 20 years reveal that this approach is, literally, killing clergy and, by extension, churches and denominations.
When examined more deeply, it turns out that the current emphasis on clergy effectiveness is due to a change in the role of pastors that occurred in the 1920s concomitant with the development of the assembly line and the adoption of the production efficiency methodology of Taylorism in corporate America. At that time, as Richard Niebuhr observed, clergy became "pastoral directors" who focused on the administrative tasks of managing and maintaining churches for the benefit of the denomination. And, as retired United Methodist bishop Richard Wilke has noted, by the 1960s, pastors were being evaluated on their "competency, acquired skills, and professional status."
Now we hear that burnout needs to be solved so that clergy can be effective. At the same time, the solutions that are being recommended, and have been recommended for decades, to mitigate the symptoms have not been enough. Far more is needed than firm boundaries or vacations or sabbaticals that are not true times of rest and renewal. Although The United Methodist Church allows for a sabbatical year every seven years, it is an unpaid year and health benefits are not covered, so clergy often have to work during their sabbatical year. The sabbatical programs offered by the Lilly Foundation and the Louisville Institute are generous, yet they still require the clergyperson to produce research as evidence of time well-spent. Ironically, the purpose of Sabbath, and sabbatical -- to rest from producing -- has been lost.
Efforts to improve clergy health for the purposes of increased effectiveness and production cannot cure what ails both clergy and congregations. To move towards true health, it is essential to get to the root cause by considering the role of clergy before the 1920s.Until the 1920s, the pastor was a cura animarum, the "cure of souls," or "curate" -- a person who cared for souls by helping people locate themselves in God's greater story. The first step in this work was the pastor's own attention to her or his soul-care through an intentional focus on her or his personal relationship with the Holy. Yet, as I learned as a participant in a Lilly Endowment convocation, seminaries focus on academics and do not train Protestant clergy in spirituality or spiritual formation. At most, even in 2010, only a handful of seminaries require a semester of study in this essential subject.
The rationale for this omission is the assumption -- which I have heard stated by many in seminary leadership -- that clergy receive spiritual formation in their home congregations. However, as Ezra Earl Jones, who headed the United Methodist General Board of Discipleship for 12 years, points out, churches are "places for programs" and because of this, pastors themselves "haven't known the church to be a place of spiritual formation." As a result of their own poverty in spiritual formation and relationship with God, pastors are not prepared to help people build relationships with God. As Jones told me:
"My data, largely about United Methodist pastors, confirms your learnings that our pastors in large part are not praying people. They do not practice the historic spiritual disciplines and therefore it is impossible for them to help those of us who look to them for guidance in the church to be praying people seeking God and love of neighbor."
Daily time and space for this inner work are essential for the health of clergy and congregations.
As Norman Shawchuck and Roger Heuser wrote in Leading the Congregation: Caring for Yourself While Serving Others, a congregation
"will not journey beyond the pastor; the congregation will not venture where the pastor is not leading. This is a hard saying. It would be more comfortable to work like the traffic cop -- to give a map or a few verbal instructions -- but spiritual formation is a case where only those who have eyes to see can lead."(p. 126)
The witness of spiritual directors over the centuries is that the leader's need to "make a difference" -- the need to find personal significance through effectiveness -- must be set aside in order to be "made different" -- the deeper need to discover one's renewed identity through relationship with God.
John Wesley, the eighteenth-century founder of the Methodists, wrote of his own spiritual disciplines and his daily time of solitude at 4:30 or 5:00 a.m.: "Here then I am, far from the busy ways of men. I sit down alone; only God is here, in his presence I open, I read his book; for this end, to find the way to heaven." In the letter he wrote to a pastor 250 years ago on August 7, 1760, Wesley clearly stated the importance of soul care for pastors: "[This is] what has exceedingly hurt you in times past, nay, and I fear, to this day ... Whether you like it or no, read and pray daily. It is for your life; there is no other way ... Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow. Do not starve yourself any longer."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-dilenschneider/soul-care-and-the-roots-o_b_680925.html
There's been quite an interest lately in clergy burnout in the media. The New York Times has published several pieces on the subject: "Taking a Break from the Lord's Work" by Paul Vitello, and "Congregations Gone Wild" by G. Jeffrey MacDonald. The Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School has published a new report on the poor mental and physical health of pastors. NPR has featured interviews on the subject. Remedies range from developing better boundaries to engaging in self-care to putting the brakes on the demands of congregation members.
There certainly is cause for concern. However, my doctoral research on transformational leadership and the spiritual life of pastors, as well as 12 years of consulting in the field, show that the causes of clergy burnout and poor mental and physical health are far deeper than poor boundaries, or the failure to engage in self-care, or the seemingly insatiable desires of congregations. Burnout and poor health are symptoms of a far deeper "dis-ease" of soul that has plagued clergy for nearly 100 years. They are symptoms of starvation. Addressing the symptoms of burnout does not get to the root of this serious matter.
Pastors who are effective and get things done are considered "successful." Denominations, including The United Methodist Church, focus on results that can be measured (e.g., increased membership and the congregation's financial well-being). Yet numerous studies over the past 20 years reveal that this approach is, literally, killing clergy and, by extension, churches and denominations.
When examined more deeply, it turns out that the current emphasis on clergy effectiveness is due to a change in the role of pastors that occurred in the 1920s concomitant with the development of the assembly line and the adoption of the production efficiency methodology of Taylorism in corporate America. At that time, as Richard Niebuhr observed, clergy became "pastoral directors" who focused on the administrative tasks of managing and maintaining churches for the benefit of the denomination. And, as retired United Methodist bishop Richard Wilke has noted, by the 1960s, pastors were being evaluated on their "competency, acquired skills, and professional status."
Now we hear that burnout needs to be solved so that clergy can be effective. At the same time, the solutions that are being recommended, and have been recommended for decades, to mitigate the symptoms have not been enough. Far more is needed than firm boundaries or vacations or sabbaticals that are not true times of rest and renewal. Although The United Methodist Church allows for a sabbatical year every seven years, it is an unpaid year and health benefits are not covered, so clergy often have to work during their sabbatical year. The sabbatical programs offered by the Lilly Foundation and the Louisville Institute are generous, yet they still require the clergyperson to produce research as evidence of time well-spent. Ironically, the purpose of Sabbath, and sabbatical -- to rest from producing -- has been lost.
Efforts to improve clergy health for the purposes of increased effectiveness and production cannot cure what ails both clergy and congregations. To move towards true health, it is essential to get to the root cause by considering the role of clergy before the 1920s.Until the 1920s, the pastor was a cura animarum, the "cure of souls," or "curate" -- a person who cared for souls by helping people locate themselves in God's greater story. The first step in this work was the pastor's own attention to her or his soul-care through an intentional focus on her or his personal relationship with the Holy. Yet, as I learned as a participant in a Lilly Endowment convocation, seminaries focus on academics and do not train Protestant clergy in spirituality or spiritual formation. At most, even in 2010, only a handful of seminaries require a semester of study in this essential subject.
The rationale for this omission is the assumption -- which I have heard stated by many in seminary leadership -- that clergy receive spiritual formation in their home congregations. However, as Ezra Earl Jones, who headed the United Methodist General Board of Discipleship for 12 years, points out, churches are "places for programs" and because of this, pastors themselves "haven't known the church to be a place of spiritual formation." As a result of their own poverty in spiritual formation and relationship with God, pastors are not prepared to help people build relationships with God. As Jones told me:
"My data, largely about United Methodist pastors, confirms your learnings that our pastors in large part are not praying people. They do not practice the historic spiritual disciplines and therefore it is impossible for them to help those of us who look to them for guidance in the church to be praying people seeking God and love of neighbor."
Daily time and space for this inner work are essential for the health of clergy and congregations.
As Norman Shawchuck and Roger Heuser wrote in Leading the Congregation: Caring for Yourself While Serving Others, a congregation
"will not journey beyond the pastor; the congregation will not venture where the pastor is not leading. This is a hard saying. It would be more comfortable to work like the traffic cop -- to give a map or a few verbal instructions -- but spiritual formation is a case where only those who have eyes to see can lead."(p. 126)
The witness of spiritual directors over the centuries is that the leader's need to "make a difference" -- the need to find personal significance through effectiveness -- must be set aside in order to be "made different" -- the deeper need to discover one's renewed identity through relationship with God.
John Wesley, the eighteenth-century founder of the Methodists, wrote of his own spiritual disciplines and his daily time of solitude at 4:30 or 5:00 a.m.: "Here then I am, far from the busy ways of men. I sit down alone; only God is here, in his presence I open, I read his book; for this end, to find the way to heaven." In the letter he wrote to a pastor 250 years ago on August 7, 1760, Wesley clearly stated the importance of soul care for pastors: "[This is] what has exceedingly hurt you in times past, nay, and I fear, to this day ... Whether you like it or no, read and pray daily. It is for your life; there is no other way ... Do justice to your own soul; give it time and means to grow. Do not starve yourself any longer."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anne-dilenschneider/soul-care-and-the-roots-o_b_680925.html
July 22, 2010
Matushka, First Lady, or Something Else?
I usually do not go to the church during the week. However, Monday (July 19) I needed to tell Mike (my husband) about a problem in our bank account, so I stopped by his office. Shortly after I entered the church, I found two men who looked lost. I asked if they needed help. They explained that they were electricians and couldn't find the bathroom that needed new light fixtures.
I led them through the maze of halls, while they proceeded to talk about how they found God a few years ago, and the difference that God made in both of their lives. Somehow, I mentioned that my husband was the pastor.
One of the men said, "Oh my. You are the 'first lady.' You are honored among women". I hardly knew what to say. I had heard the term 'first lady' used for the pastor's spouse before, but no one had ever called me by that term. I stumbled for words to reply, and finally said, "No I am Jacquie, Mike's wife."
Then, I recalled a visit two years ago to upstate New York where I was born. Mike and I attended St. Nicholas Russian Orthodox Church, as my heritage is Greek and Russian Orthodox. I smelled incense the minute I entered the church which quickly brought back so many memories of kissing icons (which I did not like) and crossing myself. The spouse of the priest in an orthodox church has a special name, matushka, which the congregation is proud to call her.
Many, many times, when I am introduced by someone in the congregation to a friend or family member, I hear the words, "This is Jacquie Reed our minister's wife." When Mike first began ministry, I did not like being introduced as 'our minister's wife', because I wanted my own identity (I asked Mike, more than once, "What can't I be introduced as Jacquie Reed, person, period?") and I definitely did not being thought of as an appendage of Mike.
Through the years, however, I realized that nothing I could do , politely and respectfully, would prevent people from introducing me as they had from the beginning. So I decided to embrace these moments, thank God for giving me the opportunity to be Mike's wife, and accept the joy which people convey introducing me as "our minister's wife."
How do persons in the congregation introduce you? Would you like to be called "first lady" or "matushka" (meaning mother) or the "pastor's wife"?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
I led them through the maze of halls, while they proceeded to talk about how they found God a few years ago, and the difference that God made in both of their lives. Somehow, I mentioned that my husband was the pastor.
One of the men said, "Oh my. You are the 'first lady.' You are honored among women". I hardly knew what to say. I had heard the term 'first lady' used for the pastor's spouse before, but no one had ever called me by that term. I stumbled for words to reply, and finally said, "No I am Jacquie, Mike's wife."
Then, I recalled a visit two years ago to upstate New York where I was born. Mike and I attended St. Nicholas Russian Orthodox Church, as my heritage is Greek and Russian Orthodox. I smelled incense the minute I entered the church which quickly brought back so many memories of kissing icons (which I did not like) and crossing myself. The spouse of the priest in an orthodox church has a special name, matushka, which the congregation is proud to call her.
Many, many times, when I am introduced by someone in the congregation to a friend or family member, I hear the words, "This is Jacquie Reed our minister's wife." When Mike first began ministry, I did not like being introduced as 'our minister's wife', because I wanted my own identity (I asked Mike, more than once, "What can't I be introduced as Jacquie Reed, person, period?") and I definitely did not being thought of as an appendage of Mike.
Through the years, however, I realized that nothing I could do , politely and respectfully, would prevent people from introducing me as they had from the beginning. So I decided to embrace these moments, thank God for giving me the opportunity to be Mike's wife, and accept the joy which people convey introducing me as "our minister's wife."
How do persons in the congregation introduce you? Would you like to be called "first lady" or "matushka" (meaning mother) or the "pastor's wife"?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
July 7, 2010
Spouse-i-tude
Whenever I have asked my husband how I should act in certain instances related to our ministry, like going to a church for the first time, or participating with small groups, etc., his response has always been, "Just walk in there and act like you own the place."
Not to suggest that I have ownership over it, or that I should demand my own way, but that while we serve in a place, I should understand it is my place of worship too, and I should act that way. I should have ownership in it. I should invest in it, and its ministries and people should be important to me. I should help however I can to change the life and health of the congregation for the better.
I should own it...in responsibility, in love, in faithfulness. But there are little things too, that I have come to expect of myself. Things I think to myself, "You're the pastor's spouse, if you don't do it, why would you expect anyone else to?" I absolutely cannot allow myself to leave a toilet paper roll empty when I notice one. I can't leave after a fellowship dinner without helping to clean up. And even if I'm not "allowed" to wash dishes, I can at least gather the plates of others to the trash. I can pick up bulletin papers or candy wrappers after a service. In short, if I notice something out of sorts, I can make it right.
It doesn't have to be a big thing. I might not be able to be a remedy for all my church's issues or needs, but I can make a difference. I can make it better so that when I leave than it was when I came. I know the roles of clergy spouses can look vastly different from church to church, but that's my spouse-i-tude. What's yours?
Linda Hodges
A Clergy Spouse in the North Alabama Conference
Not to suggest that I have ownership over it, or that I should demand my own way, but that while we serve in a place, I should understand it is my place of worship too, and I should act that way. I should have ownership in it. I should invest in it, and its ministries and people should be important to me. I should help however I can to change the life and health of the congregation for the better.
I should own it...in responsibility, in love, in faithfulness. But there are little things too, that I have come to expect of myself. Things I think to myself, "You're the pastor's spouse, if you don't do it, why would you expect anyone else to?" I absolutely cannot allow myself to leave a toilet paper roll empty when I notice one. I can't leave after a fellowship dinner without helping to clean up. And even if I'm not "allowed" to wash dishes, I can at least gather the plates of others to the trash. I can pick up bulletin papers or candy wrappers after a service. In short, if I notice something out of sorts, I can make it right.
It doesn't have to be a big thing. I might not be able to be a remedy for all my church's issues or needs, but I can make a difference. I can make it better so that when I leave than it was when I came. I know the roles of clergy spouses can look vastly different from church to church, but that's my spouse-i-tude. What's yours?
Linda Hodges
A Clergy Spouse in the North Alabama Conference
April 19, 2010
Meet our minister's spouse, he will...
Easter Sunday, like Christmas Eve, always brings people who do not attend church during the rest of the year. On Easter, as I was talking to a few friends in the hall, still running late getting to my Sunday school class, --I'm the teacher--all of a sudden, someone grabbed my arm, "Jacquie, here are some new people. They want to go to Sunday school, but I don't know where to send them."Then, turning to the couple, he quickly added, "This is our minister's wife, she will take you to a class."
"I will?" I thought. But I smiled, introduced myself, etc., etc. I led them around, realizing that some of the classes were meeting and some were not -- and finally said, "The class I feel is best for you isn't meeting today, just come with me to mine. I'll look for you next week and get you connected."
Ahhh!!!!!! I was late to my class but realized that this couple's impression of the church would be partially based on my responsiveness. So I did the best I could to care for them and hoped they would come back again.
Doesn't matter if a church is large or small or medium (I've been part of all three), the minister's spouse is often a designated vessel of God's love and presence.
How do you respond when someone approaches you saying, "This is______ our minister's wife/husband-- he/she will _______________________?
Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana.
"I will?" I thought. But I smiled, introduced myself, etc., etc. I led them around, realizing that some of the classes were meeting and some were not -- and finally said, "The class I feel is best for you isn't meeting today, just come with me to mine. I'll look for you next week and get you connected."
Ahhh!!!!!! I was late to my class but realized that this couple's impression of the church would be partially based on my responsiveness. So I did the best I could to care for them and hoped they would come back again.
Doesn't matter if a church is large or small or medium (I've been part of all three), the minister's spouse is often a designated vessel of God's love and presence.
How do you respond when someone approaches you saying, "This is______ our minister's wife/husband-- he/she will _______________________?
Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana.
April 12, 2010
UMW and You
Recently heard of a young spouse who was being pressured into going to her UMW meetings. It seems that young children were not welcome, but no child care was offered either, making the spouse's ability to attend minimal.
While I've found that UMW (United Methodist Women) is a good place to meet the women leaders of the church, I also have little patience for meetings generally. Currently I go to a circle that meets monthly for dinner. The fellowship is great and the business minimal. With my work schedule, I can't meet during the day. But I also don't have to worry about child care any more.
I do know a lot of clergy wives how hold offices in the UMW, but to make it a natural assumption that a spouse will necessarily want to attend seems a little unfair. And I doubt there is little pressure on a male spouse to attend the UMM (United Methodist Men).
I also happen to know the head of UMW, Harriett Olson. She is a former colleague and member of one of our former churches. UMW does truly great things across the world, but I'm not sure why many of the units/circles seem stuck in the 50's. Although I do have a hunch.
Do you attend the UMW in your church? What is the expectation of you to attend? Do you belong to other civic organizations in your community?
Kathy
While I've found that UMW (United Methodist Women) is a good place to meet the women leaders of the church, I also have little patience for meetings generally. Currently I go to a circle that meets monthly for dinner. The fellowship is great and the business minimal. With my work schedule, I can't meet during the day. But I also don't have to worry about child care any more.
I do know a lot of clergy wives how hold offices in the UMW, but to make it a natural assumption that a spouse will necessarily want to attend seems a little unfair. And I doubt there is little pressure on a male spouse to attend the UMM (United Methodist Men).
I also happen to know the head of UMW, Harriett Olson. She is a former colleague and member of one of our former churches. UMW does truly great things across the world, but I'm not sure why many of the units/circles seem stuck in the 50's. Although I do have a hunch.
Do you attend the UMW in your church? What is the expectation of you to attend? Do you belong to other civic organizations in your community?
Kathy
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