As some of us will be moving to new churches, it might be worth considering what you want your congregation to know. Here's my list. You might have a different one.
1. I don't play the piano. Might wish I did, but I don't.
2. I am not an extension of my spouse. I have my own views and convictions.
3. I don't carry messages to my spouse. For one reason, I might forget, but the other reason is that if you want to tell the pastor something, don't drag me into it.
4. You can talk to me about something other than the church.
5. Our children are our children. But please be sensitive to them, because they live in a glass house.
6. Don't come to visit me without calling in advance.
7. Criticism about the church or my spouse even if "given in love," is still criticism.
8. Christian people do not hurt their pastor by hurting me or the children. This happens more than you know.
9. I am not a co-pastor. Don't count on me to help on every committee or attend every church event.
10. I really do love the church, but I'm not married to it. Really.
11. I did not take a vow of poverty when my spouse decided to become a pastor. I appreciate and expect a fair salary as much as you do.
12. I really do appreciate all your support and have received many unexpected gifts of friendship.
I don't share all of these things immediately when going to a new place, because in time they will all come up naturally anyway. But I do stick to these principles and found the church people, not only understand, but appreciate knowing.
Blessings on you.
Kathy
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-care. Show all posts
October 7, 2013
When Going to Worship Hurts
How many times have I heard clergy spouses share stories of pain? Way too many--even some of my own experiences in churches brought challenges.
One of the most difficult aspects of pain in ministry has to be seeing persons in church each week who have made unkind remarks or caused disturbances in committee meetings that have hurt my husband and consequently have an impact on me and our family.
I hear lay people comment that attending church is a source of renewal and comfort, a time to gain support in the body of Christ and to celebrate those occasions that bring joy.
What can clergy spouses do, when Sunday becomes the hardest day of the week. (I've heard these words so many times, especially recently). Where can spouses go to seek God's presence in worship?
Something I did a few years ago, helped me greatly. I asked my husband if I could go somewhere else to church for a month of Sundays. He knew I was supportive of his ministry, but circumstances at church were just too overwhelming, and I needed a break. He agreed.
Since I knew every United Methodist pastor serving a church within a twenty mile radius of my home, I decided to attend four different Quaker churches. I walked into the sanctuary and came to a place where I could be present to God. I did have a sense of community experiencing worship in the body of Christ even though I didn't know anyone.
I found the Quaker service one of peace and quiet. The ten minutes of silence in the middle of worship was an opportunity for me to drink God deeply into my soul. I appreciated my time away from my own church, and returned refreshed and renewed.
An interesting aspect of my time away was no one missed me. No one asked my husband where I was. I realized I did what was necessary to care of myself. It just did not matter what anyone said or thoughy.
I pray that if your church is a place of pain that you can find another church to attend for worship, even for one week to care for yourself and re-connect with God.
Jacquie
One of the most difficult aspects of pain in ministry has to be seeing persons in church each week who have made unkind remarks or caused disturbances in committee meetings that have hurt my husband and consequently have an impact on me and our family.
I hear lay people comment that attending church is a source of renewal and comfort, a time to gain support in the body of Christ and to celebrate those occasions that bring joy.
What can clergy spouses do, when Sunday becomes the hardest day of the week. (I've heard these words so many times, especially recently). Where can spouses go to seek God's presence in worship?
Something I did a few years ago, helped me greatly. I asked my husband if I could go somewhere else to church for a month of Sundays. He knew I was supportive of his ministry, but circumstances at church were just too overwhelming, and I needed a break. He agreed.
Since I knew every United Methodist pastor serving a church within a twenty mile radius of my home, I decided to attend four different Quaker churches. I walked into the sanctuary and came to a place where I could be present to God. I did have a sense of community experiencing worship in the body of Christ even though I didn't know anyone.
I found the Quaker service one of peace and quiet. The ten minutes of silence in the middle of worship was an opportunity for me to drink God deeply into my soul. I appreciated my time away from my own church, and returned refreshed and renewed.
An interesting aspect of my time away was no one missed me. No one asked my husband where I was. I realized I did what was necessary to care of myself. It just did not matter what anyone said or thoughy.
I pray that if your church is a place of pain that you can find another church to attend for worship, even for one week to care for yourself and re-connect with God.
Jacquie
September 27, 2013
Clergy Spouse Retreat
The Indiana Conference has a long-time history of an annual clergy spouse retreat. The event was held last weekend in Indianapolis, a central location.
There was a speaker, singing, worship, an afternoon for shopping or sight-seeing, and, of course, being with friends who live all over the state.
I want to share two comments from spouses/my friends, which I feel summarizes the weekend.
"I've always said that I couldn't care less about who the speaker is; I just LOVE being able to let down my shields for a weekend, to spend time with people who 'get it.'" Another friend added,"Being with people who really get what my life is like is what draws me back more than anything else."
I believe these two comments indicate the value of our time together. We do understand the nature of our lives more than anyone else. Having an opportunity to share stories, challenges as well as "glory moments" is important to our mental and spiritual health.
Although social media makes communication and connection easier for those who live in various towns and cities, but actually being physically present adds depth and meaning to our encounters.
I am so thankful for the retreat. Do other conferences have similar events?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
There was a speaker, singing, worship, an afternoon for shopping or sight-seeing, and, of course, being with friends who live all over the state.
I want to share two comments from spouses/my friends, which I feel summarizes the weekend.
"I've always said that I couldn't care less about who the speaker is; I just LOVE being able to let down my shields for a weekend, to spend time with people who 'get it.'" Another friend added,"Being with people who really get what my life is like is what draws me back more than anything else."
I believe these two comments indicate the value of our time together. We do understand the nature of our lives more than anyone else. Having an opportunity to share stories, challenges as well as "glory moments" is important to our mental and spiritual health.
Although social media makes communication and connection easier for those who live in various towns and cities, but actually being physically present adds depth and meaning to our encounters.
I am so thankful for the retreat. Do other conferences have similar events?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
September 24, 2012
A Delicate Issue of Inclusion
The annual clergy spouse weekend retreat for the Indiana Conference concluded today. The event went smoothly except for one thing--a young clergy spouse brought her six month-old baby, whom she was still nursing and was promptly asked to return home, because of the baby.
Fortunately, a retired member of the event offered to care for the infant, so that this mother could attend the lectures, discussions, and participate in meals.
Many clergy spouses were upset that this young woman was asked to leave.
Other comments included, "The baby is a distraction." "Even if she takes the baby into the hall, the noise he makes is still a distraction to the program."
The conference wants to encourage all spouses to come, but an infant appearing, the first time in many years, took everyone off guard.
The retreat planning committee meets in a few weeks to discuss this year's event, and to get ideas for next year. I wonder, how do other conferences handle mothers who need to bring infants? Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you!!!!
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
Fortunately, a retired member of the event offered to care for the infant, so that this mother could attend the lectures, discussions, and participate in meals.
Many clergy spouses were upset that this young woman was asked to leave.
Other comments included, "The baby is a distraction." "Even if she takes the baby into the hall, the noise he makes is still a distraction to the program."
The conference wants to encourage all spouses to come, but an infant appearing, the first time in many years, took everyone off guard.
The retreat planning committee meets in a few weeks to discuss this year's event, and to get ideas for next year. I wonder, how do other conferences handle mothers who need to bring infants? Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you!!!!
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
August 13, 2012
Lessons from the Olympics--Happiness Is Perspective
I love the Olympics and am sorry that we'll have to wait 18 months for the Winter games. They offer some good life lessons.
Perhaps you heard the research, but it seems that bronze medals winners are generally happier than the silver medalists. The silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medal winners. They think, "If only I had done a little more." So they go to the podium disappointed. The bronze medalists, on the other hand, compare themselves to all the people who didn't win. They see themselves as much better off and just lucky to be there at all. They go to the podium with gratitude. The level of happiness is a matter of who they compare themselves to.
Are you happy? Who do you compare yourself too? We are blessed with so much material and spiritual wealth. But many don't feel satisfied with their blessings, because they think other people have more. They feel shorted even cheated when compared to "everyone" else.
While I certainly like my creature comforts, there have been times when our family struggled. The parsonage was substandard. Money, or the lack of it, was a constant worry. If seemed that we were always just one step away from financial ruin. But we were still happy. Happy to be together and learning how to depend on God with more trust. Times are better for us now, but the lessons we learned from the hard times have not gone unheeded. And now I can even thank God for them.
How is it with you? Are you struggling? Are you continually disappointed with your lot in life? Perhaps it is time to express gratitude for what you do have and thank God for your blessings, which God willingly wants for us.
Dear God, With so many unhappy people in our congregations, help us keep our eyes focused on you and the blessings you give us. Help us express gratitude so that we can experience the joy of living. In Christ's name, Amen.
Grace, Kathy
Perhaps you heard the research, but it seems that bronze medals winners are generally happier than the silver medalists. The silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medal winners. They think, "If only I had done a little more." So they go to the podium disappointed. The bronze medalists, on the other hand, compare themselves to all the people who didn't win. They see themselves as much better off and just lucky to be there at all. They go to the podium with gratitude. The level of happiness is a matter of who they compare themselves to.
Are you happy? Who do you compare yourself too? We are blessed with so much material and spiritual wealth. But many don't feel satisfied with their blessings, because they think other people have more. They feel shorted even cheated when compared to "everyone" else.
While I certainly like my creature comforts, there have been times when our family struggled. The parsonage was substandard. Money, or the lack of it, was a constant worry. If seemed that we were always just one step away from financial ruin. But we were still happy. Happy to be together and learning how to depend on God with more trust. Times are better for us now, but the lessons we learned from the hard times have not gone unheeded. And now I can even thank God for them.
How is it with you? Are you struggling? Are you continually disappointed with your lot in life? Perhaps it is time to express gratitude for what you do have and thank God for your blessings, which God willingly wants for us.
Dear God, With so many unhappy people in our congregations, help us keep our eyes focused on you and the blessings you give us. Help us express gratitude so that we can experience the joy of living. In Christ's name, Amen.
Grace, Kathy
July 26, 2012
Fighting Clergy Depression
With so many toxic and unhealthy churches, it's a wonder there isn't more clergy depression. But if you suspect that your clergy spouse is depressed, how can you know for sure?
Depression is a serious illness that requires professional help. It is more that just feeling bad or out of sorts for a day or two, Depression persists--sometimes for years. And often family members are the last--yes, the last--to notice.
But here are some clues to watch for in your adult loved ones. Please note that kids and youth are another matter.
1. Too much eating or loss of interest in eating
2. Too much sleeping but still feeling tired no matter how much sleep
3. Loss of interest in sex
4. Inordinate feelings of constant helplessness or anxiety
5. New, increased, highly ritualized compulsive behaviors
6. Unexplained sadness, feelings of guilt and/or despair
7. Talking or thinking about suicide
8. Unexplained physical illness and/or pain
9. Increased desire to be alone and/or disconnecting from significant relationships.
10. Spiritual ennui, listlessness, lack of focus or concentration
Often these clues are a matter of degree and they can appear together. Because we are physical, emotional, relational, rational, spiritual beings, a disturbance in one area will show up in the other areas as well.
In our churches, we're not good at talking about depression--much less clergy depression. But it is common. So take care. Even a healthy church drains clergy and families--an unhealthy church will suck the life out of you. So if you're in trouble, reach out to a trusted professional. If you need a counselor, you can go to the American Association of Pastoral Counselors website and find someone in your area.
Grace, Kathy
Depression is a serious illness that requires professional help. It is more that just feeling bad or out of sorts for a day or two, Depression persists--sometimes for years. And often family members are the last--yes, the last--to notice.
But here are some clues to watch for in your adult loved ones. Please note that kids and youth are another matter.
1. Too much eating or loss of interest in eating
2. Too much sleeping but still feeling tired no matter how much sleep
3. Loss of interest in sex
4. Inordinate feelings of constant helplessness or anxiety
5. New, increased, highly ritualized compulsive behaviors
6. Unexplained sadness, feelings of guilt and/or despair
7. Talking or thinking about suicide
8. Unexplained physical illness and/or pain
9. Increased desire to be alone and/or disconnecting from significant relationships.
10. Spiritual ennui, listlessness, lack of focus or concentration
Often these clues are a matter of degree and they can appear together. Because we are physical, emotional, relational, rational, spiritual beings, a disturbance in one area will show up in the other areas as well.
In our churches, we're not good at talking about depression--much less clergy depression. But it is common. So take care. Even a healthy church drains clergy and families--an unhealthy church will suck the life out of you. So if you're in trouble, reach out to a trusted professional. If you need a counselor, you can go to the American Association of Pastoral Counselors website and find someone in your area.
Grace, Kathy
February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day
They will know we are Christians by our love. I certainly hope so.
Clergy marriages are just like other people's. Some are strong and thriving. Some are floudering and falling apart. Some are supportive and some are abusive. Some are a little of all of these things. But whatever the state of your marriage, I hope you take time today and do something special together. I hope you set aside some time for just the two of you.
When we had little kids, it was especially hard to steal away time for just the two of us. And as we know, the church can act like a jealous mistress with many unreasonable and constant demands. So my prayer for you this Valentine's Day is that you both turn off your phones and committ to spend some time together. You don't want to end up like some couples I know, who, when the kids moved away, have nothing to say to each other.
My husband and I are going out to dinner and I am really looking forward to it.
Blessings on you and your marriage.
Kathy
Clergy marriages are just like other people's. Some are strong and thriving. Some are floudering and falling apart. Some are supportive and some are abusive. Some are a little of all of these things. But whatever the state of your marriage, I hope you take time today and do something special together. I hope you set aside some time for just the two of you.
When we had little kids, it was especially hard to steal away time for just the two of us. And as we know, the church can act like a jealous mistress with many unreasonable and constant demands. So my prayer for you this Valentine's Day is that you both turn off your phones and committ to spend some time together. You don't want to end up like some couples I know, who, when the kids moved away, have nothing to say to each other.
My husband and I are going out to dinner and I am really looking forward to it.
Blessings on you and your marriage.
Kathy
January 5, 2012
"Be Still" is a ministry in the Indiana Conference for clergy spouses who need a listening ear or a word of encouragement. I am putting together an information booklet to use with the program. I wonder if there are other conferences which have a booklet or information pamphlet given to clergy spouses when his/her spouse begins ministry?
If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.
God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.
God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
October 26, 2011
The Gospel According to Indy Food Swap
Food Swaps are becoming common across the country and involve a group of people gathering and exchanging food items that are homemade or homegrown. I attended the second Indy Food Swap last Saturday, held at a United Methodist Church. Thirty-four participants of us were assigned places at a table to display our items. We were allowed twenty minutes to visit each table and see what each person brought. Then the swap began.
I brought whole wheat biscuits, my "signature item." Others brought salsa, cake pops, cookies, various kinds of soups, cookie mix in a glass jar, lots of jams and jellies, candy apples, wine, and many kinds of breads-- pumpkin, banana, poppy seed. The swap was fun as everyone moved back and forth across the room, quickly filling arms and baskets with treasures.
Simultaneously, in the basement, a large group of homeless people were having a free hot meal of homemade tamales. There was also a table filled with various free things such as books, clothing, shoes, and household items.
As I walked around the old four-story church, I sensed God's presence blessing all of the activity, which God had made possible. Many of the homemade items were filled with vegetables harvested from backyard gardens. Those who prepared the meal and were in conversation with the homeless were gladly responding to Jesus' message to "Love one another as I have loved you."
I left the swap with a bag filled with soup, bread, jelly a few cookies, and a soul renewed with God's presence.
God, there are many places where your people can be fed, physically and spiritually. Thank you for this fun opportunity to experience both. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
I brought whole wheat biscuits, my "signature item." Others brought salsa, cake pops, cookies, various kinds of soups, cookie mix in a glass jar, lots of jams and jellies, candy apples, wine, and many kinds of breads-- pumpkin, banana, poppy seed. The swap was fun as everyone moved back and forth across the room, quickly filling arms and baskets with treasures.
Simultaneously, in the basement, a large group of homeless people were having a free hot meal of homemade tamales. There was also a table filled with various free things such as books, clothing, shoes, and household items.
As I walked around the old four-story church, I sensed God's presence blessing all of the activity, which God had made possible. Many of the homemade items were filled with vegetables harvested from backyard gardens. Those who prepared the meal and were in conversation with the homeless were gladly responding to Jesus' message to "Love one another as I have loved you."
I left the swap with a bag filled with soup, bread, jelly a few cookies, and a soul renewed with God's presence.
God, there are many places where your people can be fed, physically and spiritually. Thank you for this fun opportunity to experience both. Amen.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
October 12, 2011
Whi Is Building Your House
Each year the Indiana Conference has a retreat for clergy spouses. This year the theme was 'Who Is Building Your House?' based on 2 Samuel 7:27-29. Our bishop, Mike Coyner, gave the opening address, "Ten Foundations for Your House." A summary of each foundation follows:
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
September 29, 2011
Knowing, Loving, and Loosing Those Close to You
One of our church members is a young woman who grew up in a rural area that was populated mostly by her relatives. As you might suspect, her family was close. That was great; however most of her relatives were quite elderly and she loved them all like they were her grandparents. She moved away from her community looking for better opportunities and soon she had secure ties in our church with a steady job and a new husband. But when her relatives began to die, she took each one hard and with each successive death, she sank deeper into depression, brought about by sadness but also guilt to leaving them. Her church and friends were supportive, but she would just about recover from one loss and another would hit her.
In the ministry, we grow close to a lot of people, many of whom reach out to us and become extended family. When we move or there is a death, we take it hard. And I'm not really even talking about the pastor, but also us, the pastor's family.
Children in the parsonage see a lot of death. In fact, my younger daughter never fails to remind us that her dad had to take her to a funeral one time (actually two times) because we couldn't find anyone to keep her while I was in class.
Being close to a lot of people, whether with everyone you've ever known through FaceBook or at church also means that we are more susceptible to bearing grief and enduring loss. This makes it all the more important to have your own support but also to talk to your kids. Even if the grief doesn't affect them directly, if it affects you, it affects them.
Grace, Kathy
In the ministry, we grow close to a lot of people, many of whom reach out to us and become extended family. When we move or there is a death, we take it hard. And I'm not really even talking about the pastor, but also us, the pastor's family.
Children in the parsonage see a lot of death. In fact, my younger daughter never fails to remind us that her dad had to take her to a funeral one time (actually two times) because we couldn't find anyone to keep her while I was in class.
Being close to a lot of people, whether with everyone you've ever known through FaceBook or at church also means that we are more susceptible to bearing grief and enduring loss. This makes it all the more important to have your own support but also to talk to your kids. Even if the grief doesn't affect them directly, if it affects you, it affects them.
Grace, Kathy
September 2, 2011
To Air or Not to Air, That Is the Question
Character assassination. Surely no one wants to air their dirty laundry in public, least of all the Church. But sin, like dirt, can breed in the dark, so usually I'm on the side of bringing things into the light.
Also, no one said that serving a church is ever easy. I know lay people really don't understand this, but all of us who have served a church or been part of a clergy family know how easily things can go wrong. But I'm not talking about Ms. So-and-So who gets her feelings hurt because she was not publicly and profusely thanked. No, I'm talking about people who go out after the pastor or clergy family member with the sole intent of destroying that person's reputation.
How often does that happen? More often than you might think. But the stories often remain behind closed doors for fear and shame, and because people might muse, "Just maybe there is something to it."
Are there safe guards in place to protect innocent clergy? Frankly, no. In the UMC, the District Superintends are usually more interested in protecting the church than the pastor. If a family member is attacked--forget it. There is no help.
What can a pastor do? Sometimes not a lot. Suffer through? Move on, because only a very few "good" people will stand up? Get a lawyer? Counter sue? Sometimes the best thing is the expose the bullies, the liars, for what they are. Frankly, each situation is different.
But these things do happen. The best thing you can do is stay healthy, stay in touch with God, and stay connected to close friends. Be gentle as a dove, but as wise as a serpent. Take your church through a Healthy Congregation program.
Grace, Kathy
Also, no one said that serving a church is ever easy. I know lay people really don't understand this, but all of us who have served a church or been part of a clergy family know how easily things can go wrong. But I'm not talking about Ms. So-and-So who gets her feelings hurt because she was not publicly and profusely thanked. No, I'm talking about people who go out after the pastor or clergy family member with the sole intent of destroying that person's reputation.
How often does that happen? More often than you might think. But the stories often remain behind closed doors for fear and shame, and because people might muse, "Just maybe there is something to it."
Are there safe guards in place to protect innocent clergy? Frankly, no. In the UMC, the District Superintends are usually more interested in protecting the church than the pastor. If a family member is attacked--forget it. There is no help.
What can a pastor do? Sometimes not a lot. Suffer through? Move on, because only a very few "good" people will stand up? Get a lawyer? Counter sue? Sometimes the best thing is the expose the bullies, the liars, for what they are. Frankly, each situation is different.
But these things do happen. The best thing you can do is stay healthy, stay in touch with God, and stay connected to close friends. Be gentle as a dove, but as wise as a serpent. Take your church through a Healthy Congregation program.
Grace, Kathy
August 10, 2011
Seeing God
Late last week we had two friends who had heart catheterization. Fortunately neither had any problems. When I emailed the wife of one friend saying I was thankful for the good results, she emailed me back saying, "We were thankful God was with us." Her response awakened one of my frequent thoughts: "Would this friend feel that 'God was with us,' if the results revealed heart blockage requiring by-pass surgery?"
Fast forward to Sunday as we continued our search for a church. We ran into a former member of Mike's past church. She told us about her upcoming surgery for breast cancer. She concluded by saying, "I am seeing God so much over the past weeks, as I have dealt with the biopsy and then working out a plan of treatment."
I was taken by her words. Despite the anxiety involved in each process from discovery of the lump to treatment plan, she was able to acknowledge that "God is with me." I want to be like her, acknowledging God's presence, when life is smooth, as well as when there are challenges. Asking myself questions like, "Where Is God in what I am experiencing. I know God is with me, teach me, guide me, help me see you."
God you are in everything that happens. Help me see you in all that is in my life. Amen.
Jacquie
Fast forward to Sunday as we continued our search for a church. We ran into a former member of Mike's past church. She told us about her upcoming surgery for breast cancer. She concluded by saying, "I am seeing God so much over the past weeks, as I have dealt with the biopsy and then working out a plan of treatment."
I was taken by her words. Despite the anxiety involved in each process from discovery of the lump to treatment plan, she was able to acknowledge that "God is with me." I want to be like her, acknowledging God's presence, when life is smooth, as well as when there are challenges. Asking myself questions like, "Where Is God in what I am experiencing. I know God is with me, teach me, guide me, help me see you."
God you are in everything that happens. Help me see you in all that is in my life. Amen.
Jacquie
August 9, 2011
Love Costs...Even at Church
Recall the story about bleeding woman in Mark 5:21-34.
Awareness and healing are important here, but I think there is a lot more to this story. Some people just wear us out, even at church. As one spouse told me, the first person who presents him or herself at your door and wants to be your best friend is usually the last person you need.
We’ve all been with those people who seem to suck the air out of the room. But I don’t think the woman in Mark was like that. Rather, I believe she was desperate. She surely had tried doctors, medicine, and probably every home cure she and her family could think of. Jesus was her only viable option. She sneaks up behind him and touches the hem of his garment and poof she is healed. She can feel it, but so does Jesus. He feels some of his power leave him.
Her touching him, his healing her, cost him. Any counselor can explain to you how this feels from their side--the one healing. There was plenty more power in Jesus, but that is not the point for us. Because we don’t have unlimited power, we need to be replenished. When someone touches us, whether consciously or unconsciously, we are affected. It costs us.
One thing that surprised me when I did counseling is that people do not identify with your strengths; rather, they unconsciously identify with your weaknesses. Probably because that is where we put our energy--trying to cover them up. Yes, we are wounded healers, but still wounded. And it can be difficult to overcome your own weaknesses, prejudices, character flaws, and even bad habits to reach out and help someone, no matter how desperate.
Yet, we are call to love fully. Yes, even those well-intentioned people in the church. But we need help. We need help keeping healthy and maintaining boundaries. We get tired and there are always desperate,needy people.
Where do you go to be replenished? How is it with your soul?
Grace, Kathy
Awareness and healing are important here, but I think there is a lot more to this story. Some people just wear us out, even at church. As one spouse told me, the first person who presents him or herself at your door and wants to be your best friend is usually the last person you need.
We’ve all been with those people who seem to suck the air out of the room. But I don’t think the woman in Mark was like that. Rather, I believe she was desperate. She surely had tried doctors, medicine, and probably every home cure she and her family could think of. Jesus was her only viable option. She sneaks up behind him and touches the hem of his garment and poof she is healed. She can feel it, but so does Jesus. He feels some of his power leave him.
Her touching him, his healing her, cost him. Any counselor can explain to you how this feels from their side--the one healing. There was plenty more power in Jesus, but that is not the point for us. Because we don’t have unlimited power, we need to be replenished. When someone touches us, whether consciously or unconsciously, we are affected. It costs us.
One thing that surprised me when I did counseling is that people do not identify with your strengths; rather, they unconsciously identify with your weaknesses. Probably because that is where we put our energy--trying to cover them up. Yes, we are wounded healers, but still wounded. And it can be difficult to overcome your own weaknesses, prejudices, character flaws, and even bad habits to reach out and help someone, no matter how desperate.
Yet, we are call to love fully. Yes, even those well-intentioned people in the church. But we need help. We need help keeping healthy and maintaining boundaries. We get tired and there are always desperate,needy people.
Where do you go to be replenished? How is it with your soul?
Grace, Kathy
July 11, 2011
I Have My Soul Back
Mike, my one-day-retired-husband said to me, "I feel like I have my soul back."
I replied, "After only one day? That's great!"
When Mike was still pastoring, I said to him one day, "Wouldn't it be nice if people came to you asking for ways to deepen their faith rather than complaining?"
He had just dealt with a situation where someone complained, "Why were the flags taken out of the sanctuary?" (referring to the flags that were removed for youth Sunday so that the young people could have more room for their play). Then there was the time that a director of the food pantry yelled at one of the clients (completely inappropriate); and the list goes on and on.
Dealing with people is part of the job, but it can batter your soul. So when Mike said to me, "I have my soul back", I knew that he already had new energy even after one day of retirement.
Thank you God for restoring Mike's soul. Inspire all pastors to take time to "Be still" with you so that their souls can be restored even in active ministry. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
I replied, "After only one day? That's great!"
When Mike was still pastoring, I said to him one day, "Wouldn't it be nice if people came to you asking for ways to deepen their faith rather than complaining?"
He had just dealt with a situation where someone complained, "Why were the flags taken out of the sanctuary?" (referring to the flags that were removed for youth Sunday so that the young people could have more room for their play). Then there was the time that a director of the food pantry yelled at one of the clients (completely inappropriate); and the list goes on and on.
Dealing with people is part of the job, but it can batter your soul. So when Mike said to me, "I have my soul back", I knew that he already had new energy even after one day of retirement.
Thank you God for restoring Mike's soul. Inspire all pastors to take time to "Be still" with you so that their souls can be restored even in active ministry. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
June 5, 2011
How Connected Do We Need to Be?
So how many friends do you have on Facebook? LinkedIn? MySpace? Just how many friends do we need anyway?
Just saw a review of a new book by Robin Dunbar, How Many Friends Does One Person Need? Dunbar’s Number and Other Evolutionary Quirks(Harvard University Press, 2010. 312 pp.). I was feeling pretty bad about myself. However it seems that I'm pretty much like most everyone else. According to Dunbar, the most close friends we can stand is 3-4. Yes, stand. Dunbar gives reasons based on evolutionary psychology. My thinking is based only on my experience--3 or 4 is all I possibly have time for.
In these times, with family, work, church, community activities, I really don't have time to be as good a friend as I want to be to anyone. Just today, I decided to turn over a new leaf and stop complaining that I have too little time, so I called a friend and set up a dinner for next week.
Yesterday, I attended a wedding and was amazed that the newlyweds had both grown up in the same city and will continue to live here. Both families are respected in our community and are known by lots of people here. I have to admit, I was a little envious. We've lived in lots of places and our daughters made friends all over, but I always feared that they would not have a sense of rootedness.
Moving also effected my efforts to stay in close touch with good friends over the years. We all have good intentions, but long-distance friendships are tough to maintain. So I hope you take advantage of social networks, blogs, as well as opportunities even at Annual Conference.
Have about you? How connected to friends are you and how connected do you need to be?
Grace, Kathy
Clarksville, TN
Just saw a review of a new book by Robin Dunbar, How Many Friends Does One Person Need? Dunbar’s Number and Other Evolutionary Quirks(Harvard University Press, 2010. 312 pp.). I was feeling pretty bad about myself. However it seems that I'm pretty much like most everyone else. According to Dunbar, the most close friends we can stand is 3-4. Yes, stand. Dunbar gives reasons based on evolutionary psychology. My thinking is based only on my experience--3 or 4 is all I possibly have time for.
In these times, with family, work, church, community activities, I really don't have time to be as good a friend as I want to be to anyone. Just today, I decided to turn over a new leaf and stop complaining that I have too little time, so I called a friend and set up a dinner for next week.
Yesterday, I attended a wedding and was amazed that the newlyweds had both grown up in the same city and will continue to live here. Both families are respected in our community and are known by lots of people here. I have to admit, I was a little envious. We've lived in lots of places and our daughters made friends all over, but I always feared that they would not have a sense of rootedness.
Moving also effected my efforts to stay in close touch with good friends over the years. We all have good intentions, but long-distance friendships are tough to maintain. So I hope you take advantage of social networks, blogs, as well as opportunities even at Annual Conference.
Have about you? How connected to friends are you and how connected do you need to be?
Grace, Kathy
Clarksville, TN
May 10, 2011
Going on Vacation
Dear Friends, I'll be on vacation for the next couple of weeks. My husband and I are really looking forward to seeing our daughter and her family and celebrating our grandson's second birthday. And naturally I am taking a present for my four year-old granddaughter as well. Then we will head up for my younger daughter's graduation from graduate school. (If you have contacts in New York City, please let me know because she is looking for a job in Human Resources. Her MA is in I/O Psychology--just couldn't resist!)
I hope you have the chance to take some time away as well. It never ceases to amaze me how much fun my husband is and how much we enjoy being together. It is good to get away from the church with all its worries. But then, it will be good to return refreshed.
Happy travelling,
Kathy
I hope you have the chance to take some time away as well. It never ceases to amaze me how much fun my husband is and how much we enjoy being together. It is good to get away from the church with all its worries. But then, it will be good to return refreshed.
Happy travelling,
Kathy
March 20, 2011
The Spice of Life
Just returned from a great minister's spouse weekend retreat. The fellowship was great; the speakers taught us a thing or two; but more than that--we laughed a lot.
Gosh, I love these women. Some are stay-at-home moms; some are professionals; some are retirees. We had a couple of toddlers and a very sweet 8 month-old baby. So the talk was lively; the food was too good; and the weather--blue skies all the way.
Still if I had to pick out one thing, it was the funny stories we shared the first night. Sorry, can't say more because we all promised...
Laughter is the spice of life. It soothes the weary soul. Laughter is also a gift of God. So I just imagine that Jesus must have been laughed a lot and told funny stories too.
I hope you find time to laugh with those you love today.
Kathy
Clarksville, TN
Gosh, I love these women. Some are stay-at-home moms; some are professionals; some are retirees. We had a couple of toddlers and a very sweet 8 month-old baby. So the talk was lively; the food was too good; and the weather--blue skies all the way.
Still if I had to pick out one thing, it was the funny stories we shared the first night. Sorry, can't say more because we all promised...
Laughter is the spice of life. It soothes the weary soul. Laughter is also a gift of God. So I just imagine that Jesus must have been laughed a lot and told funny stories too.
I hope you find time to laugh with those you love today.
Kathy
Clarksville, TN
March 8, 2011
Are pastors in some Conferences better than others?
OK, OK, please keep reading past the title.
Here's the thing, so often we hear about the lack of pastoral leadership and the continual declining membership of the UMC. This had led to some pastors and bishops to say that the church needs to weed out ineffective pastors--and one way to do this is to eliminate the guaranteed appointment.
1. The logic is flawed for lots of reasons but here are four. Membership is declining in all mainline denominations. Perhaps all mainline denominations have ineffective clergy. And this is probably true, but until recently some Southern Baptist and non-denominational groups were growing. Does that mean that Southern Baptist or non-denominational pastors are more effective as a group? Or could it be that there are other factors at work?
2. Some UM jurisdictions are bleeding members while others are not. Does that mean that, therefore, their clergy are more ineffective or are there other factors at work: for example, demographics or geographical relocation patterns?
3. Is making the ministry more stressful by taking away a major benefit going to help or hurt clergy physical, emotional, and financial health? More stress = Higher health insurance costs.
4. In actuality we really don't have a guaranteed appointment now. Bishops have more power than you might think. Surprised? But we do have a process and some protections in the Discipline. Know anyone who has been unjustly treated?
Keep in touch.
Kathy
Here's the thing, so often we hear about the lack of pastoral leadership and the continual declining membership of the UMC. This had led to some pastors and bishops to say that the church needs to weed out ineffective pastors--and one way to do this is to eliminate the guaranteed appointment.
1. The logic is flawed for lots of reasons but here are four. Membership is declining in all mainline denominations. Perhaps all mainline denominations have ineffective clergy. And this is probably true, but until recently some Southern Baptist and non-denominational groups were growing. Does that mean that Southern Baptist or non-denominational pastors are more effective as a group? Or could it be that there are other factors at work?
2. Some UM jurisdictions are bleeding members while others are not. Does that mean that, therefore, their clergy are more ineffective or are there other factors at work: for example, demographics or geographical relocation patterns?
3. Is making the ministry more stressful by taking away a major benefit going to help or hurt clergy physical, emotional, and financial health? More stress = Higher health insurance costs.
4. In actuality we really don't have a guaranteed appointment now. Bishops have more power than you might think. Surprised? But we do have a process and some protections in the Discipline. Know anyone who has been unjustly treated?
Keep in touch.
Kathy
October 13, 2010
Breast Cancer Awareness Hits Home
October is breast cancer awareness month and I really want to urge all of you to get your mammograms. It is so important to get your scheduled screening, because you just never know. This is especially true if you have breast cancer in your family.
A mammogram can reveal abnormalities that you can't feel from your self-exam.
And 2 weeks ago it did with me. So yesterday, I went for a biopsy--not a day at the beach, but not that bad either. Anyway, I'll find out something in the next few days.
Whatever the result, I have the assurance that it was found early--when I'd have the best chance of recovery.
So wear pink and support your local programs.
And I wouldn't mind your prayers either.
Grace, Kathy
A mammogram can reveal abnormalities that you can't feel from your self-exam.
And 2 weeks ago it did with me. So yesterday, I went for a biopsy--not a day at the beach, but not that bad either. Anyway, I'll find out something in the next few days.
Whatever the result, I have the assurance that it was found early--when I'd have the best chance of recovery.
So wear pink and support your local programs.
And I wouldn't mind your prayers either.
Grace, Kathy
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