What Pastor Spouses Want Their Congregations to Know

As some of us will be moving to new churches, it might be worth considering what you want your congregation to know. Here's my list. You might have a different one.

1. I don't play the piano. Might wish I did, but I don't.
2. I am not an extension of my spouse. I have my own views and convictions.
3. I don't carry messages to my spouse. For one reason, I might forget, but the other reason is that if you want to tell the pastor something, don't drag me into it.
4. You can talk to me about something other than the church.
5. Our children are our children. But please be sensitive to them, because they live in a glass house.
6. Don't come to visit me without calling in advance.
7. Criticism about the church or my spouse even if "given in love," is still criticism.
8. Christian people do not hurt their pastor by hurting me or the children. This happens more than you know.
9. I am not a co-pastor. Don't count on me to help on every committee or attend every church event.
10. I really do love the church, but I'm not married to it. Really.
11. I did not take a vow of poverty when my spouse decided to become a pastor. I appreciate and expect a fair salary as much as you do.
12. I really do appreciate all your support and have received many unexpected gifts of friendship.

I don't share all of these things immediately when going to a new place, because in time they will all come up naturally anyway. But I do stick to these principles and found the church people, not only understand, but appreciate knowing.

Blessings on you.
Kathy

Second-hand Stress and Church Living

This post originally came from the blog sponsored by the Duke University Clergy Health Initiative.

 

Posted on April 7, 2014 by Katie Huffman

In a recent blog post, Jan Bruce, founder and CEO of meQuilibrium, introduced me to the idea of second-hand stress. A distant cousin of second-hand smoke, which we’ve long known to be hazardous to our health, second-hand stress is a recognized condition that indicates you can actually “catch” stress from other people.  Who knew that stress was contagious?

Well, YOU probably knew — pastors are among the most empathetic people out there, a trait which allows you to connect with your parishioners, coworkers, friends, and family and support them in so many ways. However, Ms. Bruce suggests that “being attuned to others’ emotions means that you’re potentially leaving yourself wide open to their frantic, messy, grousing, all-around unpleasant feelings, too.”
Humans are biologically wired to mirror each others’ emotions. Stress management expert Joe Robinson says, “Even if we’re not physically imitating what we see, mirror neurons still fire off a simulated version of the activity in your head as if you actually did it. It’s all designed to help us learn, understand, empathize, and connect with what others are doing and feeling.”

Okay, so your kid slams the door on her way in after school, throws her book bag against the wall and starts pacing back and forth in your kitchen, all the while muttering (or yelling) about the injustices of middle school, teachers, fickle friends, and life in general. You, once a teenager yourself and now a caring mother/father, notice the hair on the back of your neck prickling, your heart rate speeding up, and your palms getting sweaty.  You’ve picked up a case of stress from your daughter!

meQ recommends building “an emotional buffer zone, [which] allows you the space to feel, acknowledge, and name your reactions as they are happening.” This will protect you from the harmful effects of your own stress response and help you channel your energy into a positive reaction.
Here are meQ’s 3 tips for buffering against this second-hand stress (some will work better than others in certain situations):

1. Trap it, Map it, Zap it: Be aware of your body and emotions. Figure out where these emotions are coming from and what thoughts are behind them. Then, decide if these thoughts are based on reality, or are they just your own interpretation of the situation?
2. Relaxation Techniques: “The more you practice simple relaxation techniques, the faster and more powerfully they come to your aid when you need them.” Check out these quick-fix relaxation techniques from meQ.
3. Boundaries: Know what your boundaries are and make sure to stick to them. Are there topics you need to avoid with certain people? Are there times of day that should be off-limits for serious discussions with your spouse? Here are some other examples of personal boundaries.

--Katie Huffman

About Katie Huffman

Katie is a Wellness Advocate with the Clergy Health Initiative. She has an undergraduate degree in History and French and a Masters degree in Gerontology; prior to her current position, Katie worked as a social worker in a retirement community in Chapel Hill. Outside of work, she enjoys gardening, spending time outdoors, baking, and hanging out with her husband, Noah, their daughter, Ada, and two kitties, Grady and Gracie.

When Is the Church not the Body of Christ?

We are all familiar with Paul's letter, First Corinthians, which tells us that "You (you plural) are the body of Christ." And sometimes the Church does act like the Body of Christ. But like Israel went astray, chasing after false gods, so can the Church. The Church is meant to be active in the world, helping reconcile its people to God. But all to often, it becomes self-preoccupied and not only forgets its mission, but forgets whose mission it is anyway. It's not our mission but God's. The Church is only a means God can use to offer people salvation--healing and wholeness.

Too often, the Church gets caught up in its own organization and committees. When that happens, the Church takes its eyes off God and thus opens itself up for temptation to follow something or someone else, whether it is a self-proclaimed guru who promises success or the shiny god of a particular political ideology.

In our conference appointments are finished. And there is nothing that speaks to the human character of the Church like this process of sending pastors, despite the fact that Cabinets often fret and stew over them. Sometimes bishops and Cabinets have to make painful decisions that they know will hurt the pastor and/or the pastor's family--for the "good" of the Church.

As we approach Holy Week, let's remember what the Church is called to be and what we as individual Christians are called to do. Let us, at least for this week, keep our eyes on Jesus.

Grace, Kathy

Appointment Time Where One Is the Loneliest Number

You may have noticed that UM appointments are already being announced. As this stressful time of year visits us once again, please remember that you don't have to go it alone. Many of us have moved multiple times, sometimes to a healthier church and sometimes to a more conflicted church.

Yet, each time we've moved, I've been optimistic. True, moving is a hassle and difficult especially if you have young children. But it's also a pain as you get older and just have a lot more important stuff to haul.

Look forward to meeting new people and leaving behind problem ones. If you can, you might offer to help someone in your district. While there is collegiality between pastors, there is less for spouses. So be proactive and call someone you know. If you don't know anyone, call your DS and ask for a name. If that fails, call your Conference Connectional Ministry office.

If you'd like to get more ideas to make your move smoother, you might check out this book by  F. Belton Joyner Jr., Life in the Fish Bowl: Everyday Challenges of Pastors and Their Families, 9780687332946. Or just contact us at the SpouseConnect blog.

Grace,
Kathy

Having to Stand in Line to Speak to Your Spouse

Who are the go-to people in your church? Who do you ask when the bathroom light needs replacing, when the sidewalk needs more salt, when the heat isn't working right, when the Christmas Eve service will start? Actually, I've had all of these questions in the last week. My answer? "I really don't know, ask the custodian, ask the trustees, ask the choir director, ask the pastor." I am not the go-to person!

A woman in our congregation drove this point home to me yet again. I was actually in the office standing in line to speak to my husband, when she poked her head in the office door, saw my husband was busy and thought she'd just ask me. The question had something to do with putting her mother on the prayer list. (Yes, important.) Would I see that my husband did this? And she left! I had to leave too, because I saw that he was never going to get to me and I had places to be. And if you're wondering, I did leave him a note about the prayer request. But there were about 5 other people in the office at the same time. Did she ask them? No, she asked me.

I'm happy that people feel that I'm approachable and compassionate, but I'm not on staff and I'm privy to no special information; and certainly I don't know where the extra light bulbs are.

But while I protest at not being a go-to person, people regularly think the pastor's spouse is just that. Like it or not, we are often seen as an extension of our pastor spouse. Some people in the congregation believe that saying something to us is like saying it directly to the pastor.And it has happened that a person feared saying something to my husband or they were angry at him, so they said it to me (and on rare occasions, my children). While you may like this or have a need to be needed, I don't. And I make as clear as possible that I don't carry messages to my husband. One reason is that if it's not written down, I'll forget and get it mixed up. But people assume that you know them, their story, their family, their problems; I don't. I may just see these folks once a month at best. But they assume that the connection they have with my husband, they can have with me. And they don't.

Most of the time, I smile and try to be as gracious as possible. But I'm also firm that I am not the right person to ask. I keep my boundaries. If I don't, there are always some people who are willing to set my boundaries with only themselves in mind. And I tried to teach my kids the same thing. That may be one reason that my kids still have a relationship with the church while other PKs just walk away and never look back.

As I reread this, it sounds a little harsh. Sorry, but this is a pet peeve. Perhaps you handle these situations better. If so, I'd love to hear from you.

Grace, Kathy

Scheduling Meetings on the Pastor's Day Off

I should be over this by now, but it bothers me that church people do not respect the pastor's day(s) off.

Yes, yes, I realize that there are emergencies. I understand that. But in the last couple of months, the church has scheduled multiple meetings and expects my husband to attend. In fact,  my husband (the pastor) has even scheduled some of the meetings himself. His comment to me is that this is an exceptional time of year--budgeting and the stewardship ministry kick-off. Naturally, those are vital. But it just seems that there is always something "vital" going on.

Now that our kids are on their own, I'm not bothered as much. But it makes it very hard to plan for us to do something together when I never know if there is a meeting or some other event planned.

Other minister's wives and husbands have told me that their spouse may not take any time off at all, so I guess I'm fortunate in that regard. And he is better than he used to be about having to go to all the meetings. My husband takes 2 non-consecutive weekdays off, but often times, he is planning or studying or going to Conference meetings on those days. And of course, it also doesn't count emergencies like funerals or hospital visits for emergency surgeries. And while he may "take off" 2 days, he works, on average, 7:00 am to 10:00 pm on all the other days. He does this, in part, because he's just that kind of person and would work that hard no matter what kind of job he had, but the church is only too willing to enable him.

You must also know that our church has about 800 members and there is no associate. I've jokingly said to some of the Staff Parish Committee folks that they are killing my husband and need to hire an associate. Actually many of them agree, but aren't moved sufficiently to do something about it.

On the other hand, our church is doing very well. It is a bright spot on the landscape of other churches that are declining. We continue to have many new members and meet our budget. And there are plans for expansion. I have no doubt that my spouse's leadership is largely responsible; and I imagine that when my husband stands before St. Peter, he will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

So, I support my husband and do not complain--unless it gets too bad. But how many of us spouses are in a similar position? We want the church to thrive, but at what cost?

Grace, Kathy

Healing the Hurt

            Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to go on the Walk to Emmaus, and I expected that when I went on this retreat that God would do work in me.  I was surprised, however, that it hurt.

            My dad was a United Methodist pastor, and a very good one at that, as well as a doting father. God had done innumerable wonderful things for countless numbers of people through him, and I have always been proud to be his daughter. I wasn’t in the habit of giving much thought to what the fruitfulness of his ministry had actually cost me. In my mind, I had gained a tremendous upbringing, full of prayers and full of Christ!  On this retreat, I was surprised when this is what God brought up – an awareness of the cost.  As an itinerating family, it had cost me a stable upbringing in a community that knew me from birth and loved me.  We went from church to church, and the church where we were the longest had been a church in which I never really fit in.  In every church and through every move, God did amazing work in the lives of other people, but each move cut into my development in negative ways.

            Now my husband is a United Methodist pastor, and I continue in the life of moving.  In his 8 years of ministry, we have moved 3 times.  Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night with a terrible sense of disorientation, sensing the tremendous disconnect I have from any one community anywhere on the planet.  And wherever we move, it seems I am surrounded by people who have lived in the community forever, whose parents live there, whose grandparents live there, whose childhood friends live there with their children who now play together.  Even people who have moved away from those communities still get to return on occasion.  There is a cost.

            It was at Emmaus that God brought these things to the forefront of my mind, and I cried and prayed, wound exposed.  It was then that God began to apply the balm.  God’s plan for the fullness of time – the goal of the universe – is to draw all things together into a unity with God that is so close that Jesus speaks of it in terms of his unity to the Father (Ephesians 1:10; John 17:21).  When we draw close to God, we inevitably draw close to others into the only community that is truly forever.  “In me you will lack nothing,” God whispered to my spirit.  “My gift to you is ineffable.”  God wants us all there!

            In the Congo there grew beautiful acacia trees with lovely flowers and leaves.  There were birds that attacked the food supply of the community at one point, and the people needed arrows to shoot the birds down.  And so it was decided that they would use the wood of the acacia trees to make arrows.  To do this, the tree’s flowers and leaves had to be cut off.  The God-given beauty of the branches, the parts of the tree essential for its health and well-being, were discarded.  Then, with its flowers and leaves gone, the branch went through the whittling process, all for the sake of producing a straight, well-balanced arrow.  To become an arrow cost the plant something good, something that other trees got to keep.  But the arrows produced by the acacia were deadly weapons against the threats to the community in the hands of skilled archers.  Was I willing to let my flowers and leaves fall so that my family could be a dreaded weapon in the hands of God, whose aim never falls short?  

            The cost is real.  But so is the gain, for me and for others.  In him I lack nothing, and his gift to me is ineffable.  For the sake of drawing many into this gift, I am privileged to be an arrow in his hands.  And, amazingly, it becomes my joy.

Anonymous 

What Do We Do about Kids' Sports on Sundays?

There is always some sport in season; but with the start of school, sports can get out of control. I play in our hand bell choir and even though there are only about 12 of us, it's hard to find a time when we can all be at rehearsal. Somebody always has to be out because of soccer or some other travelling sport. And I can't point a finger, because our family faced the same thing when our daughter was in color guard for the band. With getting home in the wee morning hours from late night competitions, it was difficult for her to get up for church on Sundays. She did it, but when the competitions were far away and required Sunday travel time, there was no way for her to be at church on Sunday. My husband and I weren't happy about it, but we let her go.

I suppose you could say that unless parents refuse to let their children participate on Sundays, things will continue as they are. And you're probably right, but try saying that to a kid. It's especially difficult when your PK has to go to church when so many don't anyway and when other people notice when your child is not there (and make a point of saying that they notice).

Right or wrong, my spouse and I decided to let our daughter just be a kid. What we found is that she gravitated toward other Christian kids and hung out with them. They became her core group, and I'm sure they looked out for one another and lived out their faith even in some difficult situations.

Do sports do interfere with church or do they also provide increased opportunities for Christian witness? What's it like where you are?

Grace, Kathy

What do we tell the children about death and dying?

Many of us have had to explain death and dying to a child. If we are fortunate, the first time might be when the goldfish dies. But, as recently happened at our church, we have to talk about why their friend's daddy died. Face it, clergy kids are around death a lot. Here is a new book that will help.

What Do We Tell the Children? Talking to Kids about Death and Dying

(ISBN 978-1-4267-6049-5)

http://www.cokesbury.com/forms/ProductDetail.aspx?pid=1190527&rank=1&txtSearchQuery=9781426760495

 One out of seven children will lose a parent before they are 20. The statistics are sobering, but they also call for preparedness. However, adults are often at a loss when dealing with a grieving child. Talking to adults about death and grief is difficult; it's all the more challenging to talk to children and teens. The stakes are high: grieving children are high-risk for substance abuse, promiscuity, depression, isolation, and suicide. Yet, despite this, most of these kids grow-up to be normal or exceptional adults. But their chance to become healthy adults increases with the support of a loving community. Supporting grieving children requires open-communication and patience. Rather than avoid all conversations on death or pretend like it never happened, normalizing grief and offering support requires us to be in-tune with kids through dialogue as they grapple with questions of “how” and “why.” When listening to children in grief, we often have to embrace the mystery, offer love and compassion, and stick with the basics.

Author: Joseph M. Primo is Executive Director of Good Grief, Inc. in Morristown and Princeton, New Jersey, and President of The National Alliance for Grieving Children. A graduate of Yale Divinity School and a former hospice chaplain, Primo is an author and blogger for the New Jersey Star-Ledger. He has appeared on CNN and FOX as a grief advocate.

"The stories Primo tells are compelling and filled with many teachable moments about life and death. The book is encouraging for parents and others fearful of "doing it wrong" or (scarier still!) "having already done it wrong!" A must read for anyone caring for the grieving."  

̶ Kate Braestrup, New York Times Best-Selling Author of Here If You Need Me

"This wonderfully sensitive book is full of illustrative stories and gentle wisdom."
 ̶ Kenneth J. Doka, The College of New Rochelle; Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation of America 

"As a practicing physician and teacher, I recommend What Do We Tell the Children?"
̶ Scott Long, Yale University School of Medicine and Physician at The Connecticut Hospice

"This book is about the power of love and about overcoming our own anxiety, so that we can offer grieving children our compassionate presence and steady support as they create meaning in their own way and at their own pace.   
̶ Deborah van Deusen Hunsinger, Princeton Theological Seminary."

"Joseph Primo’s book should be given to every military household who has lost someone."
̶ Michael Anthony, Iraq War veteran and author of Mass Casualties: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Deception, and Dishonor in Iraq 

First Sunday at a New Church

As many transition to new churches, please know that there are spouses who are praying for you.

Going to a new church can be difficult because the congregation may still be grieving the loss of the former pastor and the parsonage family. But there will also be many who were ready for a pastoral change and will welcome you with open arms.

In every congregation there are people who were close to the previous pastor and family and some of these people will continue their relationship. It's not that they don't want you, it's just that they may have had a special affinity for the previous family. In our case, there have been people in every congregation that we have kept in touch with over the years. I treasure these friendships. These friends have been with us through difficult times and we have seen each other's kids grow up. But this is not to say that this interferes with their relationship with their current pastor.Their pastor is still their pastor. And frankly, it is often easier to be friends after we leave their church.

So I hope that those of you who are moving meeting some new friends and get off to a great start.

When the church is at its best, it really becomes the Body of Christ.

Grace, Kathy

Preparing the Way for the Next Clergy Family

If you are part of a United Methodist clergy family, this is probably the time of year when you start getting nervous. Is this the year when the district superintendent is going to call and tell us it’s time to move? If you’re from another denomination you might be feeling the pull of the Holy Spirit or a call from another congregation saying that it’s time to move. Some of you have already gotten the news or made the decision that it is time to move and are starting to prepare yourselves – talking to your children about moving, beginning to grieve over pulling up roots, feeling relieved that the time to say goodbye to a difficult congregation is near. And then there is the work of getting your household ready to pack – sorting through clothes, furniture, dishes, cds, and the junk drawer so you can decide what really need to go to the next parsonage and what is just dead weight. You’re probably also starting to wonder who the people are that make up your next congregation. Will they treat my pastor spouse with care and respect? Will they accept me and our children? Are they going to have assumptions about what I am supposed to do as the clergy spouse? All this preparing, packing, and wondering adds stress to what can already be a demanding life. 

One of the ways we as a clergy spouse community can support one another through the stress of moving is to help our congregations prepare for the new clergy family. In most cases we have the ear of the congregation and can find ways to help them understand what their new clergy family is going through. We can talk about how they will need time to settle in and make their own choices about how much or little they are able to be involved in the congregation. If the new family has children, we can talk to the children of the church to let them know a new friend will be moving to the church. We can invite the clergy spouse and children to come to the parsonage before they move so they can begin to vision how to best settle into their new home. In our most recent move, I left a note to the new clergy family welcoming them to the community, and included a map that showed how to get to popular restaurants, grocery stores, and places of entertainment. 

You probably have other, even better ideas of how we can help one another as we transition from one home and ministry to the next. If you have an idea, please feel free to share here. If helping to welcome the next clergy family seems like too much extra work in the midst of the craziness of packing, I can tell you from firsthand experience that this kind of hospitality is one of the best moving gifts my family has ever received. You are in a position to give a gift that nobody else can give, and your small efforts can make a major difference for our clergy spouse community.

Julie

Teaching Your Child to Pray

Every child has an image of God– no matter what he or she or the family's religious beliefs. This is not to say, however, that this image conforms to the Christian God. It merely means that kids absorb ideas and images from their surrounding culture about God. And it may point to the idea that humans are created with a need for God. But this also means that most children are curious about who God is and how to talk with God.

There is a good article about teaching children to pray  from the current issue of Interpreter Magazine. Here are an excerpt:

"'Prayers can be in pictures, songs, art, movement and dance,' said the Rev. Melanie Gordon, director of children's ministries for the General Board of Discipleship in Nashville, Tenn. 'We have to make sure that we honor that there are other ways (than words) to show God how thankful we are.'
Children's pure intensity and earnestness in prayer often inspire her.

No child is too young to experience prayer, Gordon said. Parents can say prayers or recite Scripture in rhythm as they walk an infant. 'I encourage nursery workers, when they are cradling or soothing children, to say prayers with them and to let them know that they are a blessing,' Gordon said.
Modeling prayer tells children that prayer is essential. She encourages adults to be willing to pray aloud — and not always ask the pastor to pray for the group. The relationship with God is important, she said, not the form of the prayer.


Young children should also learn familiar prayers, such as the doxology, the Lord's Prayer, and Psalm 23, Gordon said. Their understanding of the prayers will change as they grow – what the Lord's Prayer means to a 3-year-old is different from what it means to a 7-year-old.

For more see: http://www.interpretermagazine.org/interior.asp?ptid=43&mid=14626

When we teach kids to pray and how to pray, remember that kids are not blank slates.They have preconceived notions about who God is. So as you teach them about prayer, it is also important to explain who we believe God is. Prayer offers a teaching moment and provides a genuine opportunity for children to learn to be open to hearing God's presence in their lives.

If you have a story about prayer, please email spouseconnect@gmail.com

Grace, Kathy

Dealing with Deaths and Other Bad News

For anyone involved in a church, it's always difficult to hear bad news--this friend is newly diagnosed with cancer, this young parent was killed in a car accident, this youth died of a brain tumor, this couple is getting divorced, this person just was arrested on a trumped-up charge. But it is especially hard as a clergy family to hear all the bad news and often know the people personally. So it's not just "that person I see occasionally" but "that person who sings in choir with me" or "that kid who plays with my child in the preschool everyday."

So what do you do with all the bad news, personally? Recently a young father in our congregation was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. One day he was planning to run in a marathon, and the next, he was in the hospital receiving 3 pints of blood.The story is tragic and seems all too often repeated these days. But for this man and his family, they are thankful that the cancer was discovered in time; and they are also thankful that they have their faith and church family to help. What they may not know is that their church family is grieving too and just getting over another tragic death in the congregation. But I also know that our congregation will not fail them and there are plenty of people to help.

But for those of us who see this sadness so often, it does take its toil. I am not talking about faith being tested, although there may be some of that. And while I am sad, I also have to keep things in perspective. And I have to find ways to balance the bad news with good news.

If I feel this way, I often wonder how our clergy spouses feel. Because they are usually directly involved. My involvement is direct sometimes but indirect other times. And I don't know about you, but my spouse does not tell me all that he knows about what people are going through. So pray for God to sustain your spouse and give him/her the grace to endure as they listen and minister to the sick, dying, bereaved, and suffering. Pray that there be sufficient joy and peace for effective ministry to prevail.

What do you, your family, and your spouse do to lighten the load of service and find the joy that God really intends for us all?

Grace, Kathy

Appointment Time Decisions

Do we stay or do we go? Do we even get a choice?

Across the connection Staff Parish Relations Committees and Pastor Parish Relations Committees are meeting in this annual ritual to evaluate and vote about what the church wants to do with the pastor--keep or send packing.

This certainly can be a stressful time for clergy families. I know that one of my kids once said that she felt that even she was being sized up during these times.

At our current church, things are going well; so I've chosen not to worry about it. But in times past, when I had a definite opinion about either staying or leaving, I wasn't as nonchalant.

I have seen SPRCs be sensitive to the clergy family needs and others who really don't care much. I've seen SPRCs be helpful to the congregation and others who have sabotaged the congregation's wishes. I wouldn't say it is a crap shoot, but it sometimes feels that way. Through the process, I've seen helpful DSs and jealous, power hungry ones.

I had another spouse tell me that if pastors have a difficult time with the SPRC, it's their own fault, because they select committee members. I love this person, but she is naive at this point.The Church is a very human institution despite also being a vehicle for God's grace. And the appointment process is very imperfect. If you are looking for me to say that "Even if the process is imperfect, it's the best we can do under the circumstances," I can't. The process is imperfect but surely we can do better--and a good dose of prayer with some humility wouldn't hurt either.

So, please know that I am praying for you. And I invite you to pray as well that we embody God's love during, what can be, difficult times.

Grace, Kathy

Are You Married to the Church?

Someone recently accused me of being "married to the church." The person didn't exactly mean it as an insult, but he was saying that he thought I was overly committed to our denomination. Not having heard that before, I didn't have a quick reply. But I did manage to say that no one should ever say that to a clergy spouse. And it did make me think about what exactly is a spouse's relationship to the church.

I have heard of people being married to their job and to, maybe, a sports team, and I know that Roman Catholic nuns "marry" the church in some sense. But it never occurred to me that other people might think that I was married to the UMC--married to a pastor, yes, but not the church. If anything my relationship to the church is, I suspect, much like other spouses. It is a love-hate relationship with church people..

The church can be gracious and a ready source of help in time of need; but it can also be petty, vindictive, and power-hungry. Too many times, I've heard that clergy families are the "collateral damage" when there is a bad move or when the spouse is unfairly treated. From my view, part of my job as a spouse is to protect my children and spouse from unwelcome and unneeded intrusions into our family life. Our home is open but it is also a haven away from the 24/7 demands of the congregation. In those cases, I can't say that I love the church. I respect people's needs but not their trying to make our family co-dependent or be unduly influenced by warped people who are only too willing to tell me how to raise my kids or practice my faith.

But I also love the church. That is I love what the church aspires to be and sometimes is. And I'm in it for the long haul. We've made great friends over the years but also some spectacular enemies.

I guess, however, I'm mostly wary of the church and its all too human structures of power and authority. It's hard to be otherwise when you've been lied to and cheated by other clergy and even DSs. But I'm not going to walk away and divorce myself from the church because, despite its warts, it is still the Body of Christ. But I'm also not going to let it roll over me or my family. The ends, after all, do not justify the means.

So, what about you? What would you say if someone told you that you acted married to the church? What is your relationship to the church, both local and beyond? Are you happy with your choice to be a clergy spouse?

Grace, Kathy

What Do We Tell the Children about Death?

Need help to talk to kids about grief, death, and dying? Here is a link to a 30-minute radio broadcast with Joseph Primo, who is the Associate Executive Director of Good Grief, Inc. in Morristown, New Jersey and serves on the board of The National Alliance for Grieving Children..

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/notforprofitexchange/2012/12/18/not-for-profit-exchange

Quotes from the broadcast:

“We need to honor the feelings of every child even if they are uncomfortable for an adult to hear. After a death or tragedy, children are trying to make sense of the world in their own way. That is something we can facilitate, but it is not something we can force or mandate on a child, teenager, or adult. It is part of our unique grief process.”

“We need to make a paradigm shift from grief is messy . . . to grief is good and it serves a purpose for children . . . their reactions are leading them towards healing.”

“We can take a break from the media. We don’t have to consume all the news . . . taking care of ourselves is not disrespectful."

Not an easy time for anyone.

Grace, Kathy

Nursing Infants at Clergy Spouse Events Response

As this year’s chairperson of the Indiana Conference Clergy Spouse Retreat, I feel compelled to respond to the September 24th blog concerning the issue of nursing mothers that arose at our Retreat in September. I also want to respond to some of the comments to that blog as well as the most recent one on November 6th. I want to give a broader and accurate picture of what happened and what is being done since the event. But first, I want to give an historical perspective so that all who read will be able to see who and what the Indiana Conference is and more precisely, what the Indiana Conference and the Clergy Spouse Retreat Committee are not. I ask that if you feel you must respond to my comment that you do so only after reading the entire comment and that you do so kindly and prayerfully and try, for a moment, to walk in our uncomfortable shoes before passing judgment.
The Clergy Spouse Retreat of the Indiana Conference has been in existence for 40 – 45 years. There arose some child issues and, in 1989, a policy concerning children at the Retreat was written. This policy has been in effect since that time. It has been published in our brochures and in our communications. Evidently, this last year (and, it seems, in the most recent previous years) the policy was, regrettably, omitted in all communications. This happened because, well, we are human and have a propensity to err. And, err we did.
The mother in question was unaware of the policy and innocently brought her child with her to the Retreat. I was immediately made aware of this before our first session began. As I was busy doing what chairpersons do before the Retreat started, I asked the retired clergy spouse mentioned in the September blog (who is on the Retreat Committee) to speak to her and talk about our policy. About ½ hour later, I asked this committee member if she had talked with the mother and she said she could not find her. So, I decided to let the issue go and address it if it became necessary. The mother brought the child into the session and again, I just let time take care of what needed to be done. The baby did what babies do and the mother correctly took the baby out of the session. I asked a committee member, who has been on the committee prior to 1989, if I should go talk to the mother. She said yes. I went out into the hall and the following is the CORRECT chain of events and conversations. I simply told her I did not know how to handle this but there is a policy of no children at the Retreats. As an aside, I later found out I misspoke -– the policy states that children are not allowed in the sessions and at mealtimes. If a spouse chooses to bring their child, they must provide for their own childcare in the hotel room. I later corrected my error. I found out she had not brought any childcare with her. I told her that we did not want her to leave the Retreat but if she felt she needed to because she had no childcare then she was not to go home until the morning. The first session was an evening session and she lives about a hour from the Retreat site. I also told her I was going to call a committee meeting after the session and we, as a committee, would discuss the situation and try to find a solution so that was another reason she should not leave that evening. The Retreat committee, upon hearing of the event, expressed the range of emotions one would expect from anger to affirmation, both directed at me. Because we wanted to help and because this Conference has many spouses who have Open Hearts, several of the committee members volunteered to provide childcare for this mother. Bear in mind, these spouses and/or their churches paid a fee for them to attend this retreat so those who volunteered their time were willingly giving up their retreat time to help out. I went to the mother’s room and presented this solution to her. It was her choice to use only one person, the aforementioned retired clergy spouse. Never, not once, was this mother asked to go home. Rather, we bent over backwards to accommodate her, knowing we would be addressing this issue after the Retreat.
On the way home and afterwards, I ruminated about and prayed for direction in how to handle this issue. I devised a plan of forming an ad hoc committee to research and study this issue and then have this committee present their recommendations to the full Retreat Committee in March. I spoke with our Cabinet Clergy Representative about this and she was in full agreement that this would be a good way to handle this issue. I was in the process of formulating this plan when I got an e-mail from the mother asking if I could send her a copy of the policy and then could we talk. I responded quickly by sending her the policy and told her of course we could talk. I was very happy we could do this. She and I then had a long, warm, non-incriminating conversation. I shared my plan with her and she, too, thought it was a good way and she would be willing to serve on the ad hoc committee. That committee has been formed and will be meeting next week to discuss their research findings and start to formulate some recommendations.
I am concerned and disappointed that the Clergy Spouse Retreat Committee of the Indiana Conference has been portrayed and castigated as non-caring, exclusive, and, as one comment said, needing to “ask for forgiveness for being so mean spirited.” I believe we are far, far from any of those aspersions ascribed to us. I am disappointed that some fellow clergy spouses from wherever in the nation or world may now have a skewed opinion of our Conference from this one blog. I am also disappointed that several spouses who have posted comments have been very negative and judgmental even though uninformed about the total picture. I did appreciate one of the comments to the September 24th blog from Anonymous when they wrote, “There must be something else to this” and went on to ponder what the “something else” could be. Hopefully, my comment will help clarify some of the “something else.” I believe, with all of my heart, that the Indiana Conference has some of the most caring, loving, considerate, and open-hearted spouses in the denomination. I will defend them to the end.
Again, if you need to comment about my comment I ask that you do so prayerfully and carefully. Anger is not helpful and neither are nasty and spiteful comments. They really do not further the Kingdom of God. There are a lot of needs and emotions present in the meeting room at our retreats. A nursing mother is not the only need to be considered. We, as an imperfect people on this committee, want to do what we can to be the best we can for our fellow spouses and meet as many needs as possible. So, please, if you have any criticism of our actions, be kind and most importantly, do try to be helpful. If you have had experience with fee-based, adult, non-family types of church events and have faced this situation, we welcome genuine, caring comments.
Anita

We Reap from Fields We Didn't Plant

Yesterday as I was watching Rick Steves talk about Christmas in Europe on PBS. It seems that in England mincemeat pies are traditional Christmas fare. As the scrumptious dessert was served, the cook said that in the old days only the very wealthy could afford meat pies at all. Now, everyone enjoys them.

This got me thinking about how many things we have that, once upon a time, were reserved only for the rich.

Then I thought how many times I've prayed that my children would have it better that we have it now. I'm sure mothers everywhere pray that same prayer. We don't want our children to be faced with the wars and rumors of war, illness, or hardships we've experienced. We want our children to have a bountiful life surrounded by hope and love, and steeped in a vital faith.

We live in a world where we have received the benefit of the prayer, work, dedication, and faith of our fore-bearers. They nourished our faith and made our world what it is, for good and ill. I pray this Christmas season, our children find us faithful in our legacy to them.

Grace, Kathy

Nursing Infants at Clergy Spouse Events

The Clergy Spouse Retreat Committee of the Indiana Conference has formed a sub-committee to explore the presence of nursing infants at clergy spouse events. What policies do other conferences have on this topic? Are nursing mothers whose infants are under one year welcome? What type of provisions are required if a spouse brings an infant?

Thank you for your insights, suggestions, perceptions, comments on this topic.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Including Children in Worship? All, Some, or None?

Having young families in a church is a sign of congregational vitality. And it goes without saying that having young families also means having young children.

As a young mother, I welcomed childcare at church when it was available. That was my quiet time, when I could worship, pray, and even collect my thoughts. But some parents prefer to sit with their children, because they see it as a time for family worship.

As clergy families, it is different for us, because one or sometimes both parents are upfront leading the service. And there were a couple of times, my pastor husband had to say something directly to our kids to make them behave. That was embarrassing, because I was doing the best I could in the pew and obviously, sometimes, I lost the battle.

But now that my children are grown and one even has children of her own, I enjoy seeing and hearing kids in worship. I think it is important for them to drink in the experience, even if they don't fully understand---but then, who does fully understand God anyway. But it is also true that a baby crying during the pastoral prayer or during the sermon is a bit distracting for the preacher and congregation, but not to God obviously.

Currently in our church we have children's church. Kids stay for most of the service, but have their own program during the sermon time. What we've noticed is that since we started up children's church again (there was a time when we didn't have anyone to do it), our attendance has gone back up and is increasing. I don't pretend to understand what all that means, but I think it means that most parents like to worship with fewer distractions. And I think it means that the kids get more out of an age-appropriate lesson then they would otherwise.

Still I also know there are churches where children are to be seen and not heard. In my experience, those churches are dying. Is your church welcoming to children?

Want your church to grow? Offer something special for young families. Something that they want and need.

Grace,
Kathy