About one third of us move each year, at least in my conference. Here are some ways you can help make the next parsonage family transition smoothly.
1. Well before the move, meet with the new family and get to know them. Then show them the parsonage. Also be prepared if they don't like some of the things you love about the house.
2. If the family is new to town, leave a list of important phone numbers, for example, the trash pick-up people, the nearest grocery, where to get the best coffee, where to go eat after church on Sunday, etc.
3. Make sure you leave the warranty info and directions to the various appliances.
4. Say positive things about the family to the church folks. Share some of their interests and different ways they can connect with the congregation.
5. Leave the parsonage clean when you leave, but know that the church folks will probably clean, paint, etc. after you go. Some churches use the time between parsonage families to do repairs and spruce things up.
Saying good bye can be hard, but we all want the next family to make a great first impression. You can help make that happen.
Grace,
Kathy
Showing posts with label parsonages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parsonages. Show all posts
May 14, 2014
More Moving Tips
When we sign up for being a pastor's spouse, many of us don't know that part of our UM system is moving. So if you've not an expert on moving, you will soon be.
Here are a few tips:
1. Weed through your stuff before you move. It's so much easier.
2. When you line up a mover, make sure you know things like how they plan to wrap your good furniture and what they do if it starts raining. (One time movers left my dining room table in the rain while they ran to the truck. They were afraid of lightening, but I think they just wanted a break. There was no lightening.)
3. If the movers damage your furniture, let them know immediately. Movers are insured and expect to pay for damages. Don't just say, "Oh, well."
4. Keep of list of what is in each box. I know this sounds like a pain, but when you start looking for your child's favorite toy, believe me, you'll be glad.
5. If people from the new church move you, that can be a mixed blessing. It's great as long as things go well, but it can be difficult if something unexpected happens.
6. While you may be ready to leave, there will always be folks who will miss you and your family. So make sure you let them say good-bye to you.
7. Then there will be folks who are happy for you leave. It just goes with the territory.
8. Be present when the movers do their work. While you might have some church folks volunteer to help, because you're at work, for example, don't be tempted to think that they will care for your stuff the way you do. (Church folks sat and watched the rain ruin my dining room table and didn't say anything. Nor did they go out and move it themselves, which was all of 10 feet to get it in.)
9. I've had to move by myself while my spouse was at a conference church event. This is no fun. Frankly, some movers will try to take advantage or slack off if a woman is supervising them. So this is the time to have some church folks, especially men, to make sure the movers do what they've agreed to do.
10. Clean the parsonage before you leave. The church folks might have their own cleaning crew to clean-up after you leave, but do your part. This is especially important if you are friends with the next family.
Grace, Kathy
Here are a few tips:
1. Weed through your stuff before you move. It's so much easier.
2. When you line up a mover, make sure you know things like how they plan to wrap your good furniture and what they do if it starts raining. (One time movers left my dining room table in the rain while they ran to the truck. They were afraid of lightening, but I think they just wanted a break. There was no lightening.)
3. If the movers damage your furniture, let them know immediately. Movers are insured and expect to pay for damages. Don't just say, "Oh, well."
4. Keep of list of what is in each box. I know this sounds like a pain, but when you start looking for your child's favorite toy, believe me, you'll be glad.
5. If people from the new church move you, that can be a mixed blessing. It's great as long as things go well, but it can be difficult if something unexpected happens.
6. While you may be ready to leave, there will always be folks who will miss you and your family. So make sure you let them say good-bye to you.
7. Then there will be folks who are happy for you leave. It just goes with the territory.
8. Be present when the movers do their work. While you might have some church folks volunteer to help, because you're at work, for example, don't be tempted to think that they will care for your stuff the way you do. (Church folks sat and watched the rain ruin my dining room table and didn't say anything. Nor did they go out and move it themselves, which was all of 10 feet to get it in.)
9. I've had to move by myself while my spouse was at a conference church event. This is no fun. Frankly, some movers will try to take advantage or slack off if a woman is supervising them. So this is the time to have some church folks, especially men, to make sure the movers do what they've agreed to do.
10. Clean the parsonage before you leave. The church folks might have their own cleaning crew to clean-up after you leave, but do your part. This is especially important if you are friends with the next family.
Grace, Kathy
July 9, 2013
New Church Helps
As many now have their first Sunday at their new church, it is good to reflect on your first impressions of the congregation.
When my husband and I first started out, we served a four-point charge. At that time it was the largest multi-point charge with over 650 members. Of the four churches, three could have stood alone; and one finally did become a station church. But at the time there was a complicated worship schedule and each church had Sunday School every week. Each church was unique and had a different feel when you walked in. Not surprisingly, the church with the warm, homely, welcoming atmosphere was the one that eventually grew to became a station church. One of the other churches was satisfied being a "family chapel," and the other was divided from years of toxicity. To me, that church just felt cold. At the time, I didn't know why that church felt so unwelcoming. It was only later that I learned about their strife.
Despite the differences, however, we were called to serve each church and help them grow to more faithfully reflect the Kingdom of God. By and large, all the church folk were good to my husband and our young family. Although there was one woman who "stopped by" to check out how clean I kept the parsonage. She didn't exactly wear her white gloves, but she did remark that she was surprised how good things looked!? I guess she did this to all the parsonage families before us. Needless to say, some of the church people were easier to love than others.
But we also made some of our very best friends at that charge, and I was sorry to leave when we moved.
Over the years, I've found that my gut feelings about our churches have been on target. But despite how I feel or how they feel about me, we are all part of God's body and we have a duty to work together for the benefit of others.
I hope your first Sunday went well, whether you are new or are returning to your congregation.
Grace, Kathy
When my husband and I first started out, we served a four-point charge. At that time it was the largest multi-point charge with over 650 members. Of the four churches, three could have stood alone; and one finally did become a station church. But at the time there was a complicated worship schedule and each church had Sunday School every week. Each church was unique and had a different feel when you walked in. Not surprisingly, the church with the warm, homely, welcoming atmosphere was the one that eventually grew to became a station church. One of the other churches was satisfied being a "family chapel," and the other was divided from years of toxicity. To me, that church just felt cold. At the time, I didn't know why that church felt so unwelcoming. It was only later that I learned about their strife.
Despite the differences, however, we were called to serve each church and help them grow to more faithfully reflect the Kingdom of God. By and large, all the church folk were good to my husband and our young family. Although there was one woman who "stopped by" to check out how clean I kept the parsonage. She didn't exactly wear her white gloves, but she did remark that she was surprised how good things looked!? I guess she did this to all the parsonage families before us. Needless to say, some of the church people were easier to love than others.
But we also made some of our very best friends at that charge, and I was sorry to leave when we moved.
Over the years, I've found that my gut feelings about our churches have been on target. But despite how I feel or how they feel about me, we are all part of God's body and we have a duty to work together for the benefit of others.
I hope your first Sunday went well, whether you are new or are returning to your congregation.
Grace, Kathy
June 3, 2013
Joys of Living Next Door to the Church: What to do about Visitors?
The Indiana Conference has a clergy spouse blog that offers a forum for discussion of many topics as well as asking for prayer. Last week, one person listed a concern living next door to the church. She commented, " People from the church don't bother us, but we have persons stopping by who are looking for handouts. Any suggestions how to prevent or discourage these 'visitors'?"
We lived next door to two different churches for a combined total of ten years. One church even had a sign in our front yard identifying the parsonage. We had persons regularly knock on the door day and night, asking for everything from coffee to groceries to gasoline to meals. I was very apprehensive when my husband went out of town leaving me alone with two small children, praying that I would not be disturbed in the middle of the night. Even though I never answered the door when he was gone, still knowing a stranger was in a car in front of my house was cause for alarm.
Small towns in particular are aware of the location of the church parsonage. Persons in a community know that donations are available from the church when there is an emergency or special circumstance. One year my husband was in charge of the ministerial association Christmas Fund, which gave donations whenever there was a need. His responsibility kept a steady stream of persons coming to the parsonage.
What ways have been effective where you live to handle persons who come to the parsonage seeking assistance?
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
February 14, 2013
Preparing the Way for the Next Clergy Family
If you are part of a United Methodist clergy family,
this is probably the time of year when you start getting nervous. Is this the
year when the district superintendent is going to call and tell us it’s time to
move? If you’re from another
denomination you might be feeling the pull of the Holy Spirit or a call from
another congregation saying that it’s time to move. Some of you have already gotten the news or
made the decision that it is time to move and are starting to prepare
yourselves – talking to your children about moving, beginning to grieve over
pulling up roots, feeling relieved that the time to say goodbye to a difficult
congregation is near. And then there is
the work of getting your household ready to pack – sorting through clothes,
furniture, dishes, cds, and the junk drawer so you can decide what really need
to go to the next parsonage and what is just dead weight. You’re probably also starting to wonder who
the people are that make up your next congregation. Will they treat my pastor spouse with care
and respect? Will they accept me and our
children? Are they going to have
assumptions about what I am supposed to do as the clergy spouse? All this preparing, packing, and wondering
adds stress to what can already be a demanding life.
One of the ways we as a clergy spouse community can
support one another through the stress of moving is to help our congregations
prepare for the new clergy family. In
most cases we have the ear of the congregation and can find ways to help them
understand what their new clergy family is going through. We can talk about how they will need time to
settle in and make their own choices about how much or little they are able to
be involved in the congregation. If the
new family has children, we can talk to the children of the church to let them
know a new friend will be moving to the church. We can invite the clergy spouse and children to come to the parsonage
before they move so they can begin to vision how to best settle into their new
home. In our most recent move, I left a
note to the new clergy family welcoming them to the community, and included a
map that showed how to get to popular restaurants, grocery stores, and places
of entertainment.
You probably have other, even better ideas of how we
can help one another as we transition from one home and ministry to the
next. If you have an idea, please feel
free to share here. If helping to
welcome the next clergy family seems like too much extra work in the midst of
the craziness of packing, I can tell you from firsthand experience that this
kind of hospitality is one of the best moving gifts my family has ever received. You are in a position to give a gift that
nobody else can give, and your small efforts can make a major difference for
our clergy spouse community.
Julie
November 26, 2012
Christmas Eve Chaos
My first Christmas Eve as the spouse of a solo pastor was 6 years ago. The couple of months leading up to Christmas had been a whirlwind and I was looking forward to Christmas in the hopes that it would afford me a chance to stop and catch my breath. We had received news at the end of October that my husband was being appointed to a church and that we needed to be ready to move into the new parsonage by early December. The flurry of packing and goodbyes began almost immediately and our heads were still spinning when the moving truck pulled up to our new parsonage just 5 weeks after being told that we were moving. We found ourselves in a place that, at that time, felt very foreign and was several hours away from our families.
We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.
I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.
Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.
What about that hot chocolate?
Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.
Julie
We did our best to unpack and settle in as quickly as possible. People from our church stopped by with poinsettias and fruit baskets, the youth group put together a directory of fun and helpful biographies of themselves. One woman offered to babysit for our 5 month-old baby whenever we needed her. Our congregation truly rolled out the welcome mat for us. But despite the welcome, what I remember most about that time is how chaotic it was. That was the year we did all of our Christmas shopping for both sides of our family in 2½ hours on December 21st. That was the year we bought our Christmas tree for half-price from the Lion’s Club, because it was so late in the season that they couldn't reasonably charge us any more. We were invited to Christmas parties held by some of the Sunday school classes and what I remember most is rooms full of strangers whose names I was sure I would never remember. So, why in the world I thought Christmas Eve would be any different from the previous 2 months, I really don’t know. For some reason I expected that on December 24th, the whirlwind we had been riding on for 2 months would magically stop and our little family would be able to do the things that most non-clergy families do-–finish up the last of the baking, watch some Christmas specials on T.V., and put our son to bed and wrap the last of the gifts together.
I know now that this really was an unreasonable expectation. I mean really, when you’re married to a minister and one of the two biggest church services of the year happens on December 24th, that day is not going to be like most other peoples’. And it shouldn't be like most people’s-–not if one’s pastor-spouse is committed to providing a meaningful Christmas Eve worship opportunity. But silly, inexperienced, naïve me was so caught up in the chaos of my world and my own wants and needs that I was truly blown away when Christmas Eve did not turn out like I expected. My expectation was that my husband, son, and I would spend the day together basking in the peace of lightly falling snow and listening to Christmas music, having conversation over cups of hot chocolate about how we had made it though such a tough couple of months, and anticipating the joy of watching our little one tear the wrapping off his gifts. Sure, my husband might have to wander over to the church around 6:30 so that all would be ready for the Christmas Eve service, but other than that I figured he probably didn't have anything else to do that day.
Well, suffice it to say, Christmas Eve turned out to look very little like the picture I had dreamed up in my mind. There were still many things that I needed to get done at home in order for our family to be ready to leave for our vacation that was to start right after Christmas. My husband needed to be sure that all the details for the Christmas Eve services were getting done, and many of those details had been left to him to handle. This was his first big event and having it go well would help set a foundation for the rest of our time at this church. However, I was so caught up in my own world that I was shocked when the day passed in a flurry of busy-ness.
What about that hot chocolate?
Time, self-reflection, and experience helped me to see that my expectations we really out of touch with reality. Being part of a clergy family means that Christmas is going to look and feel different for us than for the rest of the world. Our spouses are going to work themselves to the bone because they love and serve Emmanuel-–God With Us-–and want their congregations to experience all that God’s work through Jesus Christ means for humanity. I have come to see my husband’s Christmas planning and preparations as an act of love for God and our congregation. I love to watch him think up and put into action new ways of opening people’s eyes to the world changing birth of Jesus, the Christ, and I do not mind that our Christmas Eve doesn't look like most other people’s. I also know that come December 25th, we will get to snuggle up together over hot chocolate and watch the snow fall. We will reflect on the miracle of Christ’s birth and the blessings God has bestowed upon our family in the past year. And the chaos will have ended, because it always does.
Julie
June 22, 2012
Make a Good Move with Facebook
The Indiana Annual Conference concluded two weeks ago Saturday. "Three Simple Rules for Social Media"-social media guidelines for Indiana United Methodists--was a handout given to clergy, lay delegates, and clergy spouses. The three rules are "Do No Harm," "Do Good," and "Stay in Love with God." Sound familiar? These are adapted from Wesley's rules for living. A description of each rule,as well as a set of questions to ask related to the rule,were listed.
I am aware of difficulties that Facebook can bring with pastors posting comments or opinions that are inappropriate. But I am a member of Facebook because there is a private link to Indiana clergy spouses available only through Facebook. I never post anything, but often offer comments. I have noticed over the past six weeks that clergy spouses are posting almost daily about the challenges of moving. Now appointments in Indiana begin July 1, so as you can guess, families are busy getting ready.
I have read the full range of emotions related to relocation. Many express anxiety and fear. The logistics of packing, especially with young children, is a popular topic. Sadness about leaving a beloved congregation, reluctance to start over, making new friends--all of the concerns that were prevalent thirty-seven years ago when my husband started ministry, are still relevant today.
However, one of the opportunities that Facebook allows, is to give others a chance to respond. I have read words of love and encouragement, prayers offered, shared experiences with positive results, and many others. Facebook postings allow others to share in the experience that others are having. I have also noted spouses offering to connect with other spouses who are moving into the same district even before the move occurs. Facebook can break-down some of the isolation and anxiety that has characterized moving. I read animated and loving comments--sometimes eight or nine or ten responses of encouragement or comments to one posting.
I am thankful for the way Facebook is allowing clergy spouses in the Indiana Conference--and perhaps others too--to feel connected and supported by other spouses who may or may not be moving in ways not possible years ago.
Prayer: Thank you God for advances in communication that enable your people in ministry to express feelings, joys and concerns, as moving approaches; and for the opportunity these advances also offer for those of us who read their postings to respond with prayer and other means of support. We are connected in many ways, and social media opens new ways to be united in service.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
I am aware of difficulties that Facebook can bring with pastors posting comments or opinions that are inappropriate. But I am a member of Facebook because there is a private link to Indiana clergy spouses available only through Facebook. I never post anything, but often offer comments. I have noticed over the past six weeks that clergy spouses are posting almost daily about the challenges of moving. Now appointments in Indiana begin July 1, so as you can guess, families are busy getting ready.
I have read the full range of emotions related to relocation. Many express anxiety and fear. The logistics of packing, especially with young children, is a popular topic. Sadness about leaving a beloved congregation, reluctance to start over, making new friends--all of the concerns that were prevalent thirty-seven years ago when my husband started ministry, are still relevant today.
However, one of the opportunities that Facebook allows, is to give others a chance to respond. I have read words of love and encouragement, prayers offered, shared experiences with positive results, and many others. Facebook postings allow others to share in the experience that others are having. I have also noted spouses offering to connect with other spouses who are moving into the same district even before the move occurs. Facebook can break-down some of the isolation and anxiety that has characterized moving. I read animated and loving comments--sometimes eight or nine or ten responses of encouragement or comments to one posting.
I am thankful for the way Facebook is allowing clergy spouses in the Indiana Conference--and perhaps others too--to feel connected and supported by other spouses who may or may not be moving in ways not possible years ago.
Prayer: Thank you God for advances in communication that enable your people in ministry to express feelings, joys and concerns, as moving approaches; and for the opportunity these advances also offer for those of us who read their postings to respond with prayer and other means of support. We are connected in many ways, and social media opens new ways to be united in service.
Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana
October 12, 2011
Whi Is Building Your House
Each year the Indiana Conference has a retreat for clergy spouses. This year the theme was 'Who Is Building Your House?' based on 2 Samuel 7:27-29. Our bishop, Mike Coyner, gave the opening address, "Ten Foundations for Your House." A summary of each foundation follows:
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
1. Faith - Faith has to be part of your own life, marriage, family. You may need faith supports beyond your congregation.
2. Fidelity - Your marriage is more important than your spouse's ministry. Be faithful to each other. Be your spouse's best supporter not another critic.
3. Family - Don't give your family short-shift because of ministry. Plan family time far ahead and get on your calendar.
4. Friends - Feel free to develop friendships and keep them after you move. Don't go back for pastoral duties but for friendships.
5. Flexibility - You and your family have to be flexible. Ministry is not a 9 to 5 job, but don't let it become a 5 am to 9 pm either. You can also use that flexibility for your own needs.
6. Finances - You and your family need a financial plan. You may need to be the one who handles your finances. Use a tax firm or tax person, it will pay for itself.
7. Furnishings - Enjoy your parsonage and make it your home. Respect and appreciate your house, but be honest too. Have an annual evening with trustees and SPRC chair. Furnish with flexibility and with an eye to the future.
8. Freedom - Ministry provides a lot of freedom, so use it. Freedom to have friends beyond one congregation. Freedom to know you are part of something bigger (UMC). Freedom to know you have immediate respect. Freedom to participate as you choose (old "pastor's wife" rules are dead).
9. Fun - Make your life and ministry fun. Take God seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously.
10. Future - Think long-term (parsonage, kids, your life). Think "legacy." Hope for the future and work for it.
The retreat was held September 16, 17, and 18 and was attended by 60 spouses, including one husband, from all over the state.
I felt that Bishop Coyner's foundations gave fresh energy to old, familiar topics in ministry.
Thank you God for times of retreat and renewal. Amen.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
April 26, 2011
Making a Good Move
Next month, I will be facilitating a group of clergy spouses at the annual "Making A Good Move" event. Last year over twenty spouses came. What surprised me was that out of the spouses present, there was only one whose spouse had just finished seminary immediately after college. Everyone else was married to a second career pastor. And several spouses were not relocating because of job seniority or responsibility to a family home or children in high school.
But because we all want a move to go as smoothly as possible, here are some tips that might help you.
1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you cut short the time you spend reading the Bible or in prayer. Staying grounded in God is a reminder that God is with you always and available for whatever you need.
2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if you have children. A routine can offer structure when boxes, empty or full, are constant reminders that change is ahead.
3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There will be breaks in meaningful attachments. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and other emotions are often present. Realize that these responses are normal and give yourself some grace.
4. Give children an opportunity to choose to do a favorite activity -- one more time -- in the town where you live. Our children took lots of pictures of our house, their bedrooms, their schools, friends, and of their favorite places. Making a scrapbook gave us something to do in those early days of relocation, when we still felt sad leaving one church family as we were trying to carve a new life.
5. Be patient with yourself and celebrate the small steps. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a small town and church to a larger church or town. Learning such things as: how to navigate streets, how to get to church, making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, a grocery store, and the library, cannot be accomplished overnight.
6. Share feelings about the move with your spouse and children so that you can support each other.
7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close, but be smart about it. You don't want to sabotage the next family.
8. Invite old friends to your new church, house/parsonage, and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting. Give your children opportunities to reconnect with their friends and make new friends. (See caution in #7.)
9. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving. As a family, say a pray of thanksgiving for your ministry there and offer a blessing for the next family.
10. Be selective about your involvement in the new church. Talk as a family about how you can do things better this time.
11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/parsonage/house, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy -- physical, spiritual and emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your new appointment feel like home.
12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can provide fun ways to manage the stress of a move as well as a place to meet new people. If finances prohibit joining these places, take a walk around the neighborhood and meet your new neighbors, which you might want to do anyway.
13. Establish a routine as soon as you can to add familiarity and structure to new surroundings.
14. Find ways to connect with other clergy spouses in the area. The Indiana Conference has a confidential Facebook site for clergy spouses to ask questions or share comments.
15. For those of us not moving, I always try to contact a new clergy spouse in our area a week or two after the move. A phone call or a quick visit can be helpful to the new spouse and offers an opportunity for the spouse to ask questions or just talk.
God thank you for giving us opportunities to see a broader vision of your body in each new church we serve. Keep us aware of your presence as we make these changes in your name. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
But because we all want a move to go as smoothly as possible, here are some tips that might help you.
1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you cut short the time you spend reading the Bible or in prayer. Staying grounded in God is a reminder that God is with you always and available for whatever you need.
2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if you have children. A routine can offer structure when boxes, empty or full, are constant reminders that change is ahead.
3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There will be breaks in meaningful attachments. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, and other emotions are often present. Realize that these responses are normal and give yourself some grace.
4. Give children an opportunity to choose to do a favorite activity -- one more time -- in the town where you live. Our children took lots of pictures of our house, their bedrooms, their schools, friends, and of their favorite places. Making a scrapbook gave us something to do in those early days of relocation, when we still felt sad leaving one church family as we were trying to carve a new life.
5. Be patient with yourself and celebrate the small steps. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a small town and church to a larger church or town. Learning such things as: how to navigate streets, how to get to church, making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, a grocery store, and the library, cannot be accomplished overnight.
6. Share feelings about the move with your spouse and children so that you can support each other.
7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close, but be smart about it. You don't want to sabotage the next family.
8. Invite old friends to your new church, house/parsonage, and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting. Give your children opportunities to reconnect with their friends and make new friends. (See caution in #7.)
9. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving. As a family, say a pray of thanksgiving for your ministry there and offer a blessing for the next family.
10. Be selective about your involvement in the new church. Talk as a family about how you can do things better this time.
11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/parsonage/house, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy -- physical, spiritual and emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your new appointment feel like home.
12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can provide fun ways to manage the stress of a move as well as a place to meet new people. If finances prohibit joining these places, take a walk around the neighborhood and meet your new neighbors, which you might want to do anyway.
13. Establish a routine as soon as you can to add familiarity and structure to new surroundings.
14. Find ways to connect with other clergy spouses in the area. The Indiana Conference has a confidential Facebook site for clergy spouses to ask questions or share comments.
15. For those of us not moving, I always try to contact a new clergy spouse in our area a week or two after the move. A phone call or a quick visit can be helpful to the new spouse and offers an opportunity for the spouse to ask questions or just talk.
God thank you for giving us opportunities to see a broader vision of your body in each new church we serve. Keep us aware of your presence as we make these changes in your name. Amen.
Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana
June 18, 2010
Warning: It's a Small World
With many folks moving, I thought I'd share this warning.
After one of our moves, early in our ministry, I found out something the next minister's spouse said about me. It seems that she told one of her new friends in her new congregation that I didn't leave the parsonage very clean. Needless to say, I had a baby and did everything by myself. Even so, I thought I had left it in very good shape and a lot better than I had found it.
But to her standards, perhaps it should have been better. That's not the point. The point is that her new friend at her new congregation was my old friend at my old congregation. What she said went straight from her to me with our friend barely holding the thought for a minute. The new spouse had no idea that she was talking to my friend. Of course, I also wonder just how good a friend I had anyway to tell me something so hurtful.
It's been my experience that I have to be careful what I say and to whom in a church. You never know if your talking to someone's friend, cousin, or even work colleague. It's just that small a world, and I can't tell you have many times I've had to learn that lesson.
On the other side, my spouse grew up in the city where we are now. We regularly run into people he went to school with or had as a teacher, couch--there have even been a couple of old girl friends. So we hear lots of stuff from lots of sources, not just at church.
You can always be sure that what you say will get back to the person you're talking about. So when you move and start afresh at a new church, just be careful. It took a long time before that other pastor's wife and I made up and for me to get over that innocent remark she made to our "friend."
Happy Moving, Kathy
After one of our moves, early in our ministry, I found out something the next minister's spouse said about me. It seems that she told one of her new friends in her new congregation that I didn't leave the parsonage very clean. Needless to say, I had a baby and did everything by myself. Even so, I thought I had left it in very good shape and a lot better than I had found it.
But to her standards, perhaps it should have been better. That's not the point. The point is that her new friend at her new congregation was my old friend at my old congregation. What she said went straight from her to me with our friend barely holding the thought for a minute. The new spouse had no idea that she was talking to my friend. Of course, I also wonder just how good a friend I had anyway to tell me something so hurtful.
It's been my experience that I have to be careful what I say and to whom in a church. You never know if your talking to someone's friend, cousin, or even work colleague. It's just that small a world, and I can't tell you have many times I've had to learn that lesson.
On the other side, my spouse grew up in the city where we are now. We regularly run into people he went to school with or had as a teacher, couch--there have even been a couple of old girl friends. So we hear lots of stuff from lots of sources, not just at church.
You can always be sure that what you say will get back to the person you're talking about. So when you move and start afresh at a new church, just be careful. It took a long time before that other pastor's wife and I made up and for me to get over that innocent remark she made to our "friend."
Happy Moving, Kathy
May 27, 2010
Do You Know Your Parsonage Standards?
Did you know that every Annual Conference has parsonage standards? These may vary from Conference to Conference, but at least for those of us in the Tennessee Conference, ours are listed in the Conference Journal every year as part of the policies and standing rules. The must-haves include: energy efficient heating and cooling systems; a stove, refrigerator, dish washer, and dryer; some furniture; window coverings; suitable floor coverings; an adequate lawnmower or lawn service (to be negotiated with the pastor); proper installation, storm windows, and storm doors; a garage or carport; and deadbolts on all exterior doors.
There are additional recommendations as well. If you want to check the standards out, they are on pages 270-271 of the 2009 Conference Journal (the most recent journal).
If you are not satisfied or want to change the standards, talk to your spouse. There are special rules about changing the standing rules and policies.
Currently, our parsonage is lovely; but we've lived in all kinds of houses, including our own.
Are you happy with your parsonage standards? How can they be made better?
Kathy
There are additional recommendations as well. If you want to check the standards out, they are on pages 270-271 of the 2009 Conference Journal (the most recent journal).
If you are not satisfied or want to change the standards, talk to your spouse. There are special rules about changing the standing rules and policies.
Currently, our parsonage is lovely; but we've lived in all kinds of houses, including our own.
Are you happy with your parsonage standards? How can they be made better?
Kathy
May 25, 2010
More Moving Tips
Here are a few suggestions that I have found helpful in the weeks preceding a move:
1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you have to limit the time usually spent reading the Bible or resting in silence or prayer, the daily grounding you receive will be a reminder that God is present.
2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if children are involved. A routine can offer structure and security when there is chaos all around.
3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There are breaks in meaningful attachments that will take place. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and other emotions are often present with relocation. Realize that these responses are normal and allow time to work through those that occur.
4. Be patient with yourself. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a smaller town and church to a larger town and church. Learning how to navigate streets or how to get to church or making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, the grocery store, the library etc., cannot be accomplished in one day. Take time to celebrate the steps you make each day.
5. Share feelings about the move with your spouse/children so that you can support each other.
6. Allow the new pastor and spouse in the previous church time to get acquainted with the congregation and settled in the community before returning for a visit.
7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close. Email, Facebook and other ways of electronic communication enable persons to stay connected much better than in the past.
8. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving.
9. Invite friends to your new church, house/parsonage and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting.
10. Recognize that there are stages in life that are more difficult to move than others. Again be patient and invite God to help your adjustment.
11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/house/parsonage, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy - physical, spiritual emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your parsonage/house feel more like home.
12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can offer fun ways to manage the stress a move often brings as well as a place to meet new people. If finances are limited, talking a walk can be very refreshing.
13. Find ways to connect with other clergy in the area. Over twenty years ago, Mike (my husband) and I decided that we were tired of being lonely and by ourselves on holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and New Year's Day. So, we invited many of the United Methodist clergy/spouses/families who lived fairly close by to a Labor Day picnic. We provided the main dish and drinks and everyone else brought a vegetable or dessert to share. We still have our Labor Day picnic, with others hosting gatherings on Memorial Day and New Year's Day.
The Indiana Conference, where my husband is a pastor, has a confidential Clergy Spouse site accessible through Facebook. Persons often ask questions or share concerns giving others an opportunity to respond through this connection. Each year during annual conference, there is an established time and place where spouses can gather and visit.
Lastly, there is the annual clergy spouse 'refresher' a two night, two and a half day retreat usually held at a state park. There is a speaker, interest groups, and free time during which spouses can hike or participate in other opportunities available at the park. God I pray for all persons who are moving during the next few weeks. Thank you for the call to service in your name that each move represents. Help all remember that you are within and beside each one and that you have gone ahead preparing and blessing the new church/parsonage/home and ministry. Amen.
Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana
1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you have to limit the time usually spent reading the Bible or resting in silence or prayer, the daily grounding you receive will be a reminder that God is present.
2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if children are involved. A routine can offer structure and security when there is chaos all around.
3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There are breaks in meaningful attachments that will take place. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and other emotions are often present with relocation. Realize that these responses are normal and allow time to work through those that occur.
4. Be patient with yourself. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a smaller town and church to a larger town and church. Learning how to navigate streets or how to get to church or making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, the grocery store, the library etc., cannot be accomplished in one day. Take time to celebrate the steps you make each day.
5. Share feelings about the move with your spouse/children so that you can support each other.
6. Allow the new pastor and spouse in the previous church time to get acquainted with the congregation and settled in the community before returning for a visit.
7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close. Email, Facebook and other ways of electronic communication enable persons to stay connected much better than in the past.
8. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving.
9. Invite friends to your new church, house/parsonage and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting.
10. Recognize that there are stages in life that are more difficult to move than others. Again be patient and invite God to help your adjustment.
11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/house/parsonage, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy - physical, spiritual emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your parsonage/house feel more like home.
12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can offer fun ways to manage the stress a move often brings as well as a place to meet new people. If finances are limited, talking a walk can be very refreshing.
13. Find ways to connect with other clergy in the area. Over twenty years ago, Mike (my husband) and I decided that we were tired of being lonely and by ourselves on holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and New Year's Day. So, we invited many of the United Methodist clergy/spouses/families who lived fairly close by to a Labor Day picnic. We provided the main dish and drinks and everyone else brought a vegetable or dessert to share. We still have our Labor Day picnic, with others hosting gatherings on Memorial Day and New Year's Day.
The Indiana Conference, where my husband is a pastor, has a confidential Clergy Spouse site accessible through Facebook. Persons often ask questions or share concerns giving others an opportunity to respond through this connection. Each year during annual conference, there is an established time and place where spouses can gather and visit.
Lastly, there is the annual clergy spouse 'refresher' a two night, two and a half day retreat usually held at a state park. There is a speaker, interest groups, and free time during which spouses can hike or participate in other opportunities available at the park. God I pray for all persons who are moving during the next few weeks. Thank you for the call to service in your name that each move represents. Help all remember that you are within and beside each one and that you have gone ahead preparing and blessing the new church/parsonage/home and ministry. Amen.
Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana
May 6, 2010
The rest of the story...
Dear Friends, Here is the rest of Faith's story.
I have experienced the other side of the death of a pastor. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband was preaching one Sunday; the next Sunday he was dying; and by the next Sunday, he had been laid to rest. What followed was beyond belief... in or out of the church!
Here are some of the events: I felt led to speak that next Sunday due to speculation, rumors, and misinformation about his death. I just wanted everyone to know what really happened. I was told through my husband's secretary that the D.S. said unless I had completed a Lay Speaking Class, I could NOT speak. Although my husband had had me speak and I often helped with Mother's Day, Children's Sabbath, graduation, and other special services. I had also been his unpaid assistant for many years and had done all his computer communication. I had been a partner in his ministry and spent many hours with him in his church offices.
But I DID speak at both our churches that next Sunday. I felt it would help with the grieving process if they knew the truth. I tried to reach out to members of our congregations and offered to have small group meetings to share memories and loss. I am so appreciative to the 8 people from one of our churches that were kind and caring to me and his children. However, we did NOT have one meal offered or brought to the parsonage. I DID NOT receive condolence cards from them.
Thankfully, we received tons from past members, family, and friends. Although I attended church there for several months, I was basically ignored. I called the Trustees and offered to do a walk-through with them before moving from the parsonage. I cleaned the whole place , so it was spotless; and I donated beautiful furniture that was needed to furnish the parsonage and home office. I made notes of any small repairs. I added those to the same list my husband had given them during the annual walk-through that had not yet been addressed.
Then the interim pastor came. He emptied the church office of all my husband's belongings. He did not ask me if that would be helpful or if I wanted him to. The next week, I found the boxes in a Sunday School room. There was nothing in the bulletin. There was nothing said on Sunday morning. It was as if my husband had never been there. The new pastor never called us or visited me. He did not acknowledge our existence or our grief. He even opened my husband's personal mail. I finally had a meeting with him and his wife. He admitted he had never followed a death like this in his 40+years of ministry. Lord knows, I could certainly tell that. But to this day I don't understand it. I wouldn't be treated like that in the "world."
Faith
Kathy adds: Many churches do not realize how much pastors and their families depend on them for support. While we are there, we are part of the church family. As Faith said, you love them, weep with them, celebrate with them--you bond. If you don't bond with the congregation, ministry doesn't really work. Many churches don't realize that we may feel simply cast-off after we leave and those bonds are broken; and it's hard to understand how on one day you are an essential part of the family and the next day you're not. It's hard to understand that some of your friends were only friends of the pastor's spouse and not really yours at all.
When we started out in ministry, more experienced spouses told me that you can't really have friends in the congregation. While that may be a bit of an overstatement, it is largely and sadly true. That is one reason for this blog. Through it, we hope that you will feel heard, understood, and a part of the Church family.
Kathy
I have experienced the other side of the death of a pastor. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband was preaching one Sunday; the next Sunday he was dying; and by the next Sunday, he had been laid to rest. What followed was beyond belief... in or out of the church!
Here are some of the events: I felt led to speak that next Sunday due to speculation, rumors, and misinformation about his death. I just wanted everyone to know what really happened. I was told through my husband's secretary that the D.S. said unless I had completed a Lay Speaking Class, I could NOT speak. Although my husband had had me speak and I often helped with Mother's Day, Children's Sabbath, graduation, and other special services. I had also been his unpaid assistant for many years and had done all his computer communication. I had been a partner in his ministry and spent many hours with him in his church offices.
But I DID speak at both our churches that next Sunday. I felt it would help with the grieving process if they knew the truth. I tried to reach out to members of our congregations and offered to have small group meetings to share memories and loss. I am so appreciative to the 8 people from one of our churches that were kind and caring to me and his children. However, we did NOT have one meal offered or brought to the parsonage. I DID NOT receive condolence cards from them.
Thankfully, we received tons from past members, family, and friends. Although I attended church there for several months, I was basically ignored. I called the Trustees and offered to do a walk-through with them before moving from the parsonage. I cleaned the whole place , so it was spotless; and I donated beautiful furniture that was needed to furnish the parsonage and home office. I made notes of any small repairs. I added those to the same list my husband had given them during the annual walk-through that had not yet been addressed.
Then the interim pastor came. He emptied the church office of all my husband's belongings. He did not ask me if that would be helpful or if I wanted him to. The next week, I found the boxes in a Sunday School room. There was nothing in the bulletin. There was nothing said on Sunday morning. It was as if my husband had never been there. The new pastor never called us or visited me. He did not acknowledge our existence or our grief. He even opened my husband's personal mail. I finally had a meeting with him and his wife. He admitted he had never followed a death like this in his 40+years of ministry. Lord knows, I could certainly tell that. But to this day I don't understand it. I wouldn't be treated like that in the "world."
Faith
Kathy adds: Many churches do not realize how much pastors and their families depend on them for support. While we are there, we are part of the church family. As Faith said, you love them, weep with them, celebrate with them--you bond. If you don't bond with the congregation, ministry doesn't really work. Many churches don't realize that we may feel simply cast-off after we leave and those bonds are broken; and it's hard to understand how on one day you are an essential part of the family and the next day you're not. It's hard to understand that some of your friends were only friends of the pastor's spouse and not really yours at all.
When we started out in ministry, more experienced spouses told me that you can't really have friends in the congregation. While that may be a bit of an overstatement, it is largely and sadly true. That is one reason for this blog. Through it, we hope that you will feel heard, understood, and a part of the Church family.
Kathy
May 3, 2010
Growing through the Ministry of Moving
Twice in Mike's (my husband) ministry, we were assigned to a church where the pastor died. One church, the pastor had battled cancer for two years. The other church, the pastor died suddenly on a Sunday morning.
Both places had unique challenges because of these events. Neither church had people coming by our parsonage/house to greet us on moving day. No meals were available during those first few days. We did not understand why persons in both congregations were distant and seemingly uninterested in welcoming us to the church and community. (Perhaps we were really spoiled by our previous moves where people stopped by the parsonage offering to help move boxes etc. and provide a couple of meals until I could get to the store.) We realized that at both places, the congregation was drained emotionally, physically and spiritually as they had cared for the surviving spouse and children for many, many months. They weren't ready to extend friendship and greeting to a new pastor and family as they were still dealing with grief.
Mike and I decided to wait patiently, once we realized the dynamics of our move, until the people were ready to befriend us. We respected their grief. Eventually, in both places, we felt more of a kinship with the congregation as time went on. We tell others that grief has no timetable, and remembering that each person was in a different place with his/her grief helped us relax and realize that the indifference we were feeling was not related to us. We grew from that first experience, and were able to apply that learning, when again, we followed a pastor who had died.
To be continued.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
Both places had unique challenges because of these events. Neither church had people coming by our parsonage/house to greet us on moving day. No meals were available during those first few days. We did not understand why persons in both congregations were distant and seemingly uninterested in welcoming us to the church and community. (Perhaps we were really spoiled by our previous moves where people stopped by the parsonage offering to help move boxes etc. and provide a couple of meals until I could get to the store.) We realized that at both places, the congregation was drained emotionally, physically and spiritually as they had cared for the surviving spouse and children for many, many months. They weren't ready to extend friendship and greeting to a new pastor and family as they were still dealing with grief.
Mike and I decided to wait patiently, once we realized the dynamics of our move, until the people were ready to befriend us. We respected their grief. Eventually, in both places, we felt more of a kinship with the congregation as time went on. We tell others that grief has no timetable, and remembering that each person was in a different place with his/her grief helped us relax and realize that the indifference we were feeling was not related to us. We grew from that first experience, and were able to apply that learning, when again, we followed a pastor who had died.
To be continued.
Jacquie Reed, Fishers, Indiana
April 9, 2010
Moving and Packing Tips
With moves around the corner for many, it might be helpful to share moving and packing tips. It might also be helpful if you have specific recommendations about movers, both to use and not to use.
I can't say, I've ever had a flawless move, but I have learned that you have to watch the movers. Nobody will care for your stuff like you. I used to feel bad about standing over the movers, but after they left my dining room table out in the rain, I don't any more.
One tip I'd suggest is this: each year, even when we're not moving, I clean out my closets. And I've found that using modular containers, boxes, or bins in the closets make packing much easier when we do move.
Another tip is that, over the years, we've kept our family doctors and dentists in Nashville, which is geographically the center of our conference. We do this for consistency and continuity.
I realize different conferences have different rules, but in our conference, the church does not pay for packing only moving. Even so, I have the movers pack my fine china and other valuables, because they only insure what they pack. And I'd rather pay more, because I can't afford to replace these things.
I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom and experience out there. Please feel free to share.
Grace, Kathy
I can't say, I've ever had a flawless move, but I have learned that you have to watch the movers. Nobody will care for your stuff like you. I used to feel bad about standing over the movers, but after they left my dining room table out in the rain, I don't any more.
One tip I'd suggest is this: each year, even when we're not moving, I clean out my closets. And I've found that using modular containers, boxes, or bins in the closets make packing much easier when we do move.
Another tip is that, over the years, we've kept our family doctors and dentists in Nashville, which is geographically the center of our conference. We do this for consistency and continuity.
I realize different conferences have different rules, but in our conference, the church does not pay for packing only moving. Even so, I have the movers pack my fine china and other valuables, because they only insure what they pack. And I'd rather pay more, because I can't afford to replace these things.
I'm sure there's a lot of wisdom and experience out there. Please feel free to share.
Grace, Kathy
March 1, 2010
Just when you think things are going well.
The other night we had dinner with another pastor and spouse--long time friends and colleagues. Their church is growing and in better financial shape than it has been in years, but they are moving. Why? Simply put, because this pastor is not like the last pastor. Seem unfair? There is more.
So the DS calls and says that they will move. The salary will be cut substantially, the kids will have to change schools, their college students may have to drop out, and the spouse will have to quit the job.
I don't know about you, but this breaks my heart for lots of reasons.
1. What kind of leadership allows their people (pastors and families) to be beat up on a regular basis?
2. What kind of leadership rewards good results and a job well done with punishment?
3. How many times can this happen to a family and not effect the pastor's ministry in the next church?
4. How may times can a family expect to be collateral damage and still feel good about the church?
Perhaps you say that pastors and families should not expect rewards. But should they expect punishment in the form of financial and family instability and anxiety?
You say, "Yes, but they have a guaranteed job and a house for free." And that is not nothing, but it is getting closer.
If leadership really want to improve the health of clergy, this is surely not the way.
If leadership really want trust, they need to earn it.
If leadership really want accountable, they also need to be accountable.
Kathy
So the DS calls and says that they will move. The salary will be cut substantially, the kids will have to change schools, their college students may have to drop out, and the spouse will have to quit the job.
I don't know about you, but this breaks my heart for lots of reasons.
1. What kind of leadership allows their people (pastors and families) to be beat up on a regular basis?
2. What kind of leadership rewards good results and a job well done with punishment?
3. How many times can this happen to a family and not effect the pastor's ministry in the next church?
4. How may times can a family expect to be collateral damage and still feel good about the church?
Perhaps you say that pastors and families should not expect rewards. But should they expect punishment in the form of financial and family instability and anxiety?
You say, "Yes, but they have a guaranteed job and a house for free." And that is not nothing, but it is getting closer.
If leadership really want to improve the health of clergy, this is surely not the way.
If leadership really want trust, they need to earn it.
If leadership really want accountable, they also need to be accountable.
Kathy
February 23, 2010
"We" or "They"?
“How are things going at the church?” a casual acquaintance asked.
This is not a rare question for a pastor’s spouse to hear, of course, especially from a person in the community who knows you only by your affiliation with a given congregation. But I noticed something in my reply that gave me pause.
Throughout my description of the congregation, I consistently used the word “they,” rather than “we.”
The fact that I don’t feel “a part of things” at this congregation was no surprise to me, but the language I unconsciously used put my separateness in stark relief. Though we’ve been at this church for several years, the church is still “they” to me. They do this, and They think that, but I do not. My husband and I do have different theological and stylistic preferences from most of the congregation, but this feeling is about more than a lack of consensus--it's a lack of belonging. I may have sat in that pew most every Sunday, said my vows to become a “member” of that congregation, attended most special events, and even taught a class or two… but they are they, and while they would say I am part of their community, I do not feel it.
I recently read an article on itineracy in the United Methodist Church, which pointed out how the itineracy system and the parsonages that are meant to facilitate that system hinder the clergy family’s integration into the church and its community.
As the writer says:
“Moving often sacrifices the spouse’s career or a child’s final year at a school. Allowing pastors to invest fully in a local community by purchasing a home would be beneficial to church growth as it allows pastors to choose the type and size of home that fits their needs, [and] gives a healthier psychological separation between work and private family time…”
Knowing that we are sent to that church and will soon be sent elsewhere—so temporary that we are not even allowed to select a home of our own—reinforces our status as transients, as visitors in a place where we theoretically hold a central role.
What has been your experience? Do you say “we” or “they”? Do you feel like a real part of your church community? How has the length of your tenures and/or residence in a parsonage affected your sense of belonging?
This writer prefers to remain anonymous.
This is not a rare question for a pastor’s spouse to hear, of course, especially from a person in the community who knows you only by your affiliation with a given congregation. But I noticed something in my reply that gave me pause.
Throughout my description of the congregation, I consistently used the word “they,” rather than “we.”
The fact that I don’t feel “a part of things” at this congregation was no surprise to me, but the language I unconsciously used put my separateness in stark relief. Though we’ve been at this church for several years, the church is still “they” to me. They do this, and They think that, but I do not. My husband and I do have different theological and stylistic preferences from most of the congregation, but this feeling is about more than a lack of consensus--it's a lack of belonging. I may have sat in that pew most every Sunday, said my vows to become a “member” of that congregation, attended most special events, and even taught a class or two… but they are they, and while they would say I am part of their community, I do not feel it.
I recently read an article on itineracy in the United Methodist Church, which pointed out how the itineracy system and the parsonages that are meant to facilitate that system hinder the clergy family’s integration into the church and its community.
As the writer says:
“Moving often sacrifices the spouse’s career or a child’s final year at a school. Allowing pastors to invest fully in a local community by purchasing a home would be beneficial to church growth as it allows pastors to choose the type and size of home that fits their needs, [and] gives a healthier psychological separation between work and private family time…”
Knowing that we are sent to that church and will soon be sent elsewhere—so temporary that we are not even allowed to select a home of our own—reinforces our status as transients, as visitors in a place where we theoretically hold a central role.
What has been your experience? Do you say “we” or “they”? Do you feel like a real part of your church community? How has the length of your tenures and/or residence in a parsonage affected your sense of belonging?
This writer prefers to remain anonymous.
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