Fighting Clergy Depression

With so many toxic and unhealthy churches, it's a wonder there isn't more clergy depression. But if you suspect that your clergy spouse is depressed, how can you know for sure?

Depression is a serious illness that requires professional help. It is more that just feeling bad or out of sorts for a day or two, Depression persists--sometimes for years. And often family members are the last--yes, the last--to notice.

But here are some clues to watch for in your adult loved ones. Please note that kids and youth are another matter.

1. Too much eating or loss of interest in eating
2. Too much sleeping but still feeling tired no matter how much sleep
3. Loss of interest in sex
4. Inordinate feelings of constant helplessness or anxiety
5. New, increased, highly ritualized compulsive behaviors
6. Unexplained sadness, feelings of guilt and/or despair
7. Talking or thinking about suicide
8. Unexplained physical illness and/or pain
9. Increased desire to be alone and/or disconnecting from significant relationships.
10. Spiritual ennui, listlessness, lack of focus or concentration

Often these clues are a matter of degree and they can appear together. Because we are physical, emotional, relational, rational, spiritual beings, a disturbance in one area will show up in the other areas as well.

In our churches, we're not good at talking about depression--much less clergy depression. But it is common. So take care. Even a healthy church drains clergy and families--an unhealthy church will suck the life out of you. So if you're in trouble, reach out to a trusted professional. If you need a counselor, you can go to the American Association of Pastoral Counselors website and find someone in your area.

Grace, Kathy

Growing a Healthy Mission-Oriented Church

How do you grow your church? As you know, there are about a million books on the subject. But the one thing that these books don't talk about is that a healthy clergy family is a key ingredient. Why?

Dan Dick's research shows that the sicker the church, the more hours the pastor puts in. So if a pastor's family is not healthy enough to survive the stress of back-breaking hours of work at/for the church, pastors will surely fail at their efforts to grow the church. When one parent is away, at work, or otherwise committed, it takes extra effort from the other spouse. If one parent is busy visiting, evangelizing, meeting, administrating, comforting, appearing in court for a wayward church member, the other parent has to take up the slack with the children--their homework, their busy schedules, their daily wants and needs. And since most spouses also work, that means that the spouse has to be healthy enough to meet most or all of the family demands, because there always has to be a parent on-call.

The pastor's spouse has to take up the slack when the demands of the church tax the pastor. But the family, not just spouse, has to have effective (healthy) ways to process and solve their own troubles and conflicts. Too much conflict at home, means that the pastor cannot be as effective at church. This does not mean that the clergy family is supposed to sweep their problems under the rug and not deal with them--most kids I know won't tolerate that anyway for long. But it does mean that when family trials come, the family has to have enough resilience to handle their problems without spilling over into an already demanding church situation.

But be aware, if the church is toxic, the church sickness can easily effect the clergy family, unless the pastor and the family are differentiated from the church family. So spouses need to remind the pastor that their family is not an merely an extension of the church family.

One way to keep healthy clergy families is for the pastor and spouse to keep their priorities straight and make some decisions up front and then clearly communicate those decisions to their family but also to the church. What is most important when? What counts as an emergency? Will the pastor always take a call from a family member, even if in the middle of a meeting or counseling session? Under what circumstance will the parent (no matter which one)leave work to attend to a child? Likewise, what constitutes a church emergency when the pastor may have to pick up and leave immediately?

If you want to grow a healthy mission-oriented church, the pastor's family is essential to make that happen.

Grace, Kathy

Boundaries: What Do You Do?

Last week I was talking with a friend, whose husband is a pastor. She explained a situation with someone at her church, which left her feeling uncomfortable and perplexed. She described how a leader in the church, comes to her, places his hands on her shoulders and massages gently. He does this with other women too. She does not know if she should say anything to this man--she fears angering him--with possible repercussion to her husband, in a fairly recent appointment.

Interestingly, I had a similar experience a few days ago. I was a presenter at a district event. I entered the church, and was talking to a few people in the hallway. The pastor of the church, whom I do not know, came to me, wrapped his arms around me, got right in my face, and said, 'Can I help you find your room?' I was astonished. I stepped away quickly from his "embrace" and said,"No I know where to go."

Maintaining appropriate boundaries in a church can be very delicate for a pastor/spouse/family and a congregation.

How do others handle such situations?

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Are You Really Part of Your Church?

Dear Friends, A couple of weeks ago, I was at a share group when one of the other women made, what she thought, was an innocent remark. She recalled a couple of former pastors (in a good way) and remarked how pastors just come and go in the life of the church. The important people were the laity, who where there through it all--good times and bad.

I can't tell you how this made me feel. Because she wasn't taking aim at either me or my spouse. She was just making an observation. Who could argue with that? But her comments underscored the fact that she also thought pastor's families just "come and go" as well. We are merely transients or place holders for the next clergy family. True, I might be reading more into this that she meant, even so, it hurt my feelings. It make me feel like an outsider.

How odd because so many church people think clergy families are the consummate insiders. If they only knew. While I am active in the church and have been a member longer than the couple of hundred folks who have joined since, some people will always think of clergy families as "different." When the church is a sick, unhealthy place, that is OK with me. But when the church prides itself on being a loving family, being on the outside feels like rejection.

I haven't decided if I'm going to say anything to her or not yet. Actually, I probably won't. But how do you feel? Do you feel like a part of your church? Do you want to? How do you see yourself related to your church?

Grace, Kathy

Ministry for Clergy Spouses

"Be Still" is a ministry in the Indiana Conference for clergy spouses who need a listening ear or a word of encouragement. I am putting together an information booklet to use with the program. I wonder if there are other conferences which have a booklet or information pamphlet given to clergy spouses when his/her spouse begins ministry?

If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.

God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

When God Is Silent

Truly we are a blessed people. This morning I awoke to the news that Osama bin Laden is dead. He was an enemy of our country who hurt many innocent people. And while the untimely death of any person is not a cause to celebrate, we are better off as a result. And thanks to the brave team of Seals who risked their lives on our behalf.

So the question is, was God silent for all those years while people earnestly prayed for deliverance? Likewise, was God really silent all those years the Hebrews were enslaved? Is God silent when we go through our dark nights of the soul?

When we go through tough times and look to God for relief or answers that will not come. It could be that God is not silent, but preparing the way. Jesus tells us that God is not like an unrighteous judge, whom we must beg to do the right thing. God is ever present and generous with steadfast loving kindness; God is even prodigal--generous beyond reason.

God comes in the fullness of time. God's time. God is always at work doing new things. Yet, I do not want to diminish our aching for God when we perceive God's distance. God may be present, but we may still grieve, suffer, feel lost and alone--just as Jesus felt on the cross. But resurrection always comes. So have heart, for your heart rests in the sacred heart of God.

Grace, Kathy

Listening to Spouse Concerns

One of my frustrations during the past three years has been my inability to convince any of the conference staff (Indiana) of a need for a clergy spouse contact--where a spouse can share concerns (or joys). I've recently listened to several spouses who were dealing with issues related to appointment changes, very unfair treatment by a staff/parish committee, and lack of concern for significant health limitations. I also have had a few emails from spouses who just wanted to have someone listen to them.

I have done a lot of research on this topic and have models that other conferences use. I met on Tuesday with a district superintendent, who also happens to be a long-time friend. He offered me a seat on a monthly committee he has in his district that deals with pastoral concerns.

Finally, I will be able to put together a system where I can be available for those spouse who are struggling in some way.

I wonder if anyone has any suggestions about ways that have been effective to communicate with spouses?

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

When the Church Sins Against You

I recently had a tender conversation with a spouse whom I have mentored through a few difficult situations related to ministry.

Her husband is a second career pastor. His first congregation, while he was in seminary, warmly and enthusiastically welcomed him and his family. They were very supportive and encouraging while he navigated the demanding path of papers, tests, and family and church responsibilities. Following graduation, they moved to a rural church that was completely different. There were inadequacies in the parsonage. Getting needed repairs was a constant battle. And they expected the spouse's presence at various church events, which was complicated by the lengthy and daily commute to her job.

The "final straw" occurred when her husband was hospitalized, but the church thoughtlessly required him to preach within a few days of discharge -- two weeks sooner than recommended by his doctor.

I listened to my angry and frustrated friend for nearly forty minutes. She concluded by saying, "Someone needs to tell ministers and spouses not to expect 'a red carpet to heaven' when they begin life in ministry."

I knew that I had to pray about what to say to her. I surely did not want to offer her empty platitudes. She'd already heard too many from the congregation. So I suggested that she and her husband talk with their DS. I reminded her that a DS can be their advocate when church members avoid or prolong making necessary changes such as parsonage repairs. A DS can help a congregation sort through needs and expectations placed on a pastor and spouse. Finally, a DS can substitute or get a substitute for a pastor on Sunday, when the pastor is ill or dealing with critical personal circumstances.

Additionally, and most importantly, I encouraged her to keep her walk with God alive and vital. God is ever present to help us and hear our concerns. I also suggested that she contact three or four pastor spouses for support. I described my good experience with a book group I attend with a group of spouses. I confided that the discussing the book is really secondary to our opportunity to share our personal lives and places in ministry.

While no one gets "a red carpet to heaven," we do have God's graceful invitation to walk on a "red carpet of life." A carpet where we can travel with our Savior on the road that leads to life.

Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana

More Stress with No Commitment from Our Church

In a recent UM Reporter, I couldn't help but notice two adjacent articles. Separately they were newsworthy, but taken together, a bit surprising. The first article, funded by Duke, had to do with clergy health problems; i.e., clergy's poor health reflects inordinate amounts of stress--no big surprise to any of us. The second article had to do with the possible elimination of the guaranteed appointment.

Think about it. On one hand clergy are over-worked, over-stressed, criticized for poor self care, and under-paid. Then on the other hand, the Church says, "Let's add to pastors' burdens by eliminating their guaranteed appointment. Let's let them worry every year that they might not have a job or home or health insurance for their family the next year."

Seems to me that the Church demands 100% commitment from pastors but is unwilling to show that same commitment to her pastors and their families.

Frankly, it makes me angry. I don't know about you, but I'm not happy for my kids or me to be collateral damage when the Church fails to be a faithful partner.

Kathy

Responding to Hidden Anger

Minister's spouses are prime targets for hidden anger. More often than not, there is no preparation for becoming a minister's spouse, and being thrown into a loaded position does little to endear a new spouse to the possibilities of a happy marriage as planned during the days leading up to the blessed nuptials. Even when the new spouse is aware of the fact that the marriage partner is already clergy, there are no classes, no mentoring situations, and no books to soften the explosion of events about to occur once the new spouse steps into the clergy spouse role.

The impact can be deafening, even when Christian civility on the surface presents with smiles, handshakes, and hugs. After all, who knew a clergy spouse had a role to fulfill other than 'new spouse.' If I am not mistaken, the marriage vows said nothing out of the ordinary, and expectations would hold for current job, family relationships, and exploration into the new relationship as the marriage plays out. Of course changes are to be expected; change of location, homes, even some friend relationships, whether or not to have children, and maybe even issues regarding church membership. These would all work themselves out in time as the couple becomes more and more able to share themselves meaningfully.

It is a process, and most couples are prepared for the process through pre-marital counseling prior to the wedding. Nothing is perfect and most new couples are aware of the hot button issues yet to face; not eager for them, but willing to go there with some idea where they are heading. New marriages are never a walk in the park, but are growing processes, and can be incredibly fascinating.

Becoming a pastor's spouse is an intense growth process in a perpetual garden, but not one many know how to tend once the seed is sown. Walking into the midst of a new congregation; one formed eons ago, complete with history, tradition, already formed relationships, and a shared sense of the abbreviations for what goes on there, is a bit heart stopping for most visitors who are looking for new relationships, let alone a new spouse who may have been very happy with the church attended prior to marriage, and possibly not quite separated from that church.

Throw that in the mix as the pastor introduces the new spouse. A sea of faces swim before the spouse, blurred by visions of anonymity never to be seen or heard from again. Suddenly, the spouse is a public figure. His or her life is open for comment, conjecture, criticism, praise, request, questions, spiritual help, affirmation, and guidance. In an instant, born of introduction, the new spouse evolves from a babe in marriage, possibly a babe in Christ, into a public figure endowed with a label inherently tied to assumptions, expectations, and standards heretofore unknown, possibly unwanted, and most certainly frightening in the beginning. Where is the education, the support, and the wisdom to cope with this fundamental change in life and status? And where is the pastor? Who is ministering to the spouse?

To put it mildly, frustration begins its slow crawl into the light. However, to be fair, the minister's spouse may be no more in the limelight than an M.D.'s spouse, or the Governor's, or the Mayor's. But, while the status may be somewhat the same, minus the income, the expectations are far different. A Doctor's or Mayor's or Governor's spouse would be expected to be friendly, entertaining, and invested in community as well as church, however the depth of expectation within the church would not be the same. A pastor's spouse is often looked to for spiritual direction, teaching Sunday School, leading children and youth groups, playing the piano, singing in the choir, evangelizing, working in mens or women's groups, and visiting the sick and shut-in, listening to the hurting; pinch hitting for the pastor who is called and educationally trained while the spouse may have no pastoral calling or training and desires none since other callings and interests, gifts of grace rest upon them.

And again, I ask, "Who is ministering to the spouse?" Even when the pastor is loving, caring, and supportive of the spouse, the pastor's attention is often drawn toward the congregation and community needs, with the expectation that the spouse will understand, forgive, and endure without expecting a pound of flesh. The pastor is often so wrapped up in God's work; God's calling, that the mundane everyday things of life are sometimes overlooked, not in malice or disregard, but sometimes out of the same type of expectations found in congregation members.

An unwritten list of "should be able to do this or that," appears out of nowhere to shroud the reality of the unprepared spouse, the untrained spouse; the spouse called to be a partner and witness in relationship with the pastor. And while I speak from the experience of being the spouse of a United Methodist pastor, and a pastor and counselor myself, I believe these events may bear some universality among pastor's spouses.

Frustration in pastoral spouse situations and places can lead to anger; anger to brokenness, brokenness to destruction of relationships with one another and with God, if allowed to fester without understanding or hope or the simple affirmation that, yes, being a pastor's spouse can be difficult. We all need to be validated in how we feel and what we think is going on in our lives, but that is a starting point only. The bigger issue is at stake and that issue has to do with our own personal relationship with God. We are God's; created for a purpose, loved and directed by God. Reading in Genesis, we know that we humans were created for unity. We were created to live in the Garden of Eden. We didn't make it, and we're reaping the consequences daily, but God is still calling us to the Garden experience. Our goal is to learn how to work alongside God, for God's purposes, so that we can witness to others the love of Christ; so others will know God and Christ as their Savior, through the work of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen some pastor's spouses who are bitter and angry; some whose smiles are so beautiful I feel as though I am in the presence of angels, and others who are confused and seeking. We are all in different stages of faith and on different roads of our journey, and I cannot say the journey is easy, but when God gives us a gift, a calling, or a task, we know it. God speaks it to us, makes us able to do it, and is with us every step of the way. Anger does not feel good. It gets in the way of our relationship with God and others. When we feel anger, we know it is real, it has roots, and it is our job to get the hoe and weed it out! Sometimes we can't do that by ourselves, so as we pray to God for help, God will send someone to partner with us and help us learn new ways of dealing with things, accepting some things and discarding others. Sometimes that help comes from your pastor, your pastor spouse, a counselor, a friend, a teacher, a child, a parent; and always from God. It is my belief that pastors and spouses together could benefit from exploring the need for an educational process for pastor's spouses; one that could easily adapt to the fact that some spouses have jobs and children to care for, while providing needed support and mentoring groups within Districts and Conferences. Not only would it benefit the spouses, but enhance marriages, improve congregational relationships and enliven spiritual awareness and relationship with God. It would also be a wonderful witness to the world to see this change come about within the church. People come to Christ when our witness is consistent with who God is. When we, who are leaders in the church, are hurting and damaged, we sometimes give off negative messages about God with our anger and bitterness, without meaning to, and that is not what God wants for any of us. God wants to draw us, love us, and help us draw others to God. Blessings and peace!

Kathleen

Kathleen is a spouse/pastor/counselor

The Angriest People

I recently came across an article that appeared in Circuit Rider (a magazine for United Methodist clergy) a couple years ago. "Keeping Up Appearances," by marriage and family counselor Linda Hileman (herself a PK and clergy spouse), discusses the isolation many clergy families endure, having no one with whom they can be honest about their feelings and struggles.

She discusses the case of Mary Winkler, the Baptist minister's wife in Tennessee who killed her husband in 2006. Church members all said she was "the perfect pastor's wife" and that "they had no problems, as far as we knew." Those congregants and Winkler's lawyers all made statements about her, but Hileman wants to know where her friends and family were. Did she have anyone with whom she shared her private pain?

Hileman's piece is definitely worth the read, but I'll share the money quote here, in case you don't have time to read the whole article:

The vast majority of pastors state that the ministry is detrimental to
their families. One counselor, who sees a large number of clergy and clergy
spouses in his practice, says that United Methodist clergy-wives are the
angriest people he sees. It is ironic that in a connectional system such as
the United Methodist Church, we and our families have so few
connections.

This is the quote that I always remember from this article. "...the angriest people he sees..." I try not to let that be a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I think about it whenever I feel angry, and I wonder what it is about the UMC in particular that makes clergy-wives so angry. Is it the lack of choice in the appointment process? Is it the frequency of moves? What do you think?