Having to Stand in Line to Speak to Your Spouse

Who are the go-to people in your church? Who do you ask when the bathroom light needs replacing, when the sidewalk needs more salt, when the heat isn't working right, when the Christmas Eve service will start? Actually, I've had all of these questions in the last week. My answer? "I really don't know, ask the custodian, ask the trustees, ask the choir director, ask the pastor." I am not the go-to person!

A woman in our congregation drove this point home to me yet again. I was actually in the office standing in line to speak to my husband, when she poked her head in the office door, saw my husband was busy and thought she'd just ask me. The question had something to do with putting her mother on the prayer list. (Yes, important.) Would I see that my husband did this? And she left! I had to leave too, because I saw that he was never going to get to me and I had places to be. And if you're wondering, I did leave him a note about the prayer request. But there were about 5 other people in the office at the same time. Did she ask them? No, she asked me.

I'm happy that people feel that I'm approachable and compassionate, but I'm not on staff and I'm privy to no special information; and certainly I don't know where the extra light bulbs are.

But while I protest at not being a go-to person, people regularly think the pastor's spouse is just that. Like it or not, we are often seen as an extension of our pastor spouse. Some people in the congregation believe that saying something to us is like saying it directly to the pastor.And it has happened that a person feared saying something to my husband or they were angry at him, so they said it to me (and on rare occasions, my children). While you may like this or have a need to be needed, I don't. And I make as clear as possible that I don't carry messages to my husband. One reason is that if it's not written down, I'll forget and get it mixed up. But people assume that you know them, their story, their family, their problems; I don't. I may just see these folks once a month at best. But they assume that the connection they have with my husband, they can have with me. And they don't.

Most of the time, I smile and try to be as gracious as possible. But I'm also firm that I am not the right person to ask. I keep my boundaries. If I don't, there are always some people who are willing to set my boundaries with only themselves in mind. And I tried to teach my kids the same thing. That may be one reason that my kids still have a relationship with the church while other PKs just walk away and never look back.

As I reread this, it sounds a little harsh. Sorry, but this is a pet peeve. Perhaps you handle these situations better. If so, I'd love to hear from you.

Grace, Kathy

The Church: Hospital for Sinners?

It is often said that the church is not a home for the saints but a hospital for sinners. But the church is also called to be the heart and engine for mission in the world. While being a good hospital and effective engine for mission may not be roles that have to conflict, sometimes we just have to ask, how many badly broken people can the church care for inside its own community and still have adequate resources to reach out beyond its walls?

True, working together in mission can heal a lot of brokenness inside of church folk and bring relief to suffering in the world. And while we all agree that God does the healing and enables the church to reach out, in my experience any community of faith can only have so many badly broken people. Yes, we are all broken to some extent. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. But we also have to recognize that there are different types of brokenness. While there are many types of brokenness, here are a few that I'll highlight.

First, there are those who hide their brokenness. And this may be most of us.

Second, there are those who have been so beat up and tired out by their experiences, that they just want to rest. And that is another large group of us. But if a church has too many of this type of broken person, it's difficult for the church to put energy into mission.

Third, there are those who are proud of their scars so much so that they wear them "in your face." These are the folks who flaunt their brokenness. Actually, these folks may be helpful in doing mission if they also don't demand that the church just take care of them or constantly stir up conflict.

Fourth, there are those who are so broken that they need the love and care of church people to hold them together for long periods of time. While we may all suffer tragedy and are dependent of the church in times of crisis, I'm talking about the folks who are dependent on the church as part of their lifestyle. These are the people who eat up inordinate amounts of the pastor's time and energy. If there are too many of this type of person in the church, mission can't happen, at least the way it could.

So it's a complicated thing. We know that we are all broken, but it can be annoying that those other broken people just go somewhere else so the church can get on with its mission. But somehow that doesn't sound right either. The church has to balance both roles. It has to be a hospital for sinners and an engine for mission. (You can probably have too many engineers as well.) But any hospital takes staff who are not broken or at least not broken so much that it precludes their ministry. 

Grace,

Kathy

Clergy Health Study Results

A lay person came across this article about clergy health. While this isn't really news to many of us, it was to our laity, who are now more determined to help carry the ministries of the church. Here is the article:

The demands placed on clergy by themselves and others put pastors at far greater risk for depression than individuals with other occupations, a new study by the Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School has found.

The study, published this week in the Journal of Primary Prevention, compared the mental health of 95 percent of the United Methodist clergy in North Carolina (1,726 pastors) to a representative sample of Americans and identified key factors that predict depression and anxiety. Clergy participants were predominantly male (75 percent) and white (91 percent); the mean age was 52 years old. 

The study, conducted in 2008, found the depression rate among clergy to be 8.7 percent when responses were limited to telephone interviews that closely approximated the conditions of a national survey (the 2005-06 National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey).  However, among clergy taking the survey via web or paper, the rate of depression was even higher: 11.1 percent—double the then national rate of 5.5 percent.

Anxiety rates among clergy were 13.5 percent (no comparable U.S. rate was available). More than 7 percent of clergy simultaneously experienced depression and anxiety. 

A number of factors were found to be powerful predictors of depression and anxiety, most notably job stress. Clergy engage in many stressful activities, including grief counseling, navigating the competing demands of congregants, and delivering a weekly sermon that opens them up to criticism. The strain of these roles is further amplified by having to switch rapidly between them, which other studies have shown to exacerbate stressful experiences. 

Furthermore, the study found that pastors’ sense of guilt about not doing enough at work was a top predictor of depression, and that doubt of their call to ministry was a top predictor of anxiety.  Pastors with less social support—those who reported feeling socially isolated—were at higher risk for depression. 

By contrast, pastors reporting greater satisfaction with their ministry were half as likely to qualify for depression or anxiety. 

“Pastors may have created a life for themselves that is so strongly intertwined with their ministry, that their emotional health is dependent on the state of their ministry,” said Rae Jean Proeschold-Bell, the Clergy Health Initiative’s research director, and assistant research professor at the Duke Global Health Institute. “So it’s possible that when pastors feel their ministry is going well, they experience positive emotions potent enough to buffer them from mental distress. Of course, the converse is also true.”

The rates reflected in this survey represent the percentage of individuals who reported symptoms of depression and anxiety over the previous two weeks only. It is probable that a far higher percentage of clergy experience depression or anxiety at some point during a lifetime spent in ministry, Proeschold-Bell said.

“It’s common for public health professionals to ask pastors to offer health programming to their congregants,” said Proeschold-Bell.  “These findings tell us that we need to reverse course and consider how to attend to the mental health of pastors themselves.”

While pastors can proactively take steps to bolster their mental health—by taking vacation and Sabbath time, fostering friendships outside the church, and seeking counseling—there are many ways for others to support these efforts, too, Proeschold-Bell said. 

Seminaries can train their students to anticipate competing demands on their time and negotiate conflict. Denominational officials can praise clergy for their efforts, particularly when those pastors are serving churches roiled in conflict. And congregants can support their pastors by volunteering for tasks and following through on commitments, letting pastors know when they are moved by their work, and making it possible for pastors to take time away from the church.
The research is part of a longitudinal study conducted in 2008, 2010 and 2012; it is scheduled to continue in 2014 and 2016. The 2010 data yielded no significant changes to depression and anxiety rates found in the 2008 data.  The data from 2012 is still being studied. Additional information about the Clergy Health Initiative and its research is available online at www.clergyhealthinitiative.org.

The initiative is funded by The Duke Endowment, a private foundation based in Charlotte, N.C., that strengthens communities in North Carolina and South Carolina by nurturing children, promoting health, educating minds and enriching spirits. Since its founding in 1924, it has distributed more than $3 billion in grants. The Endowment shares a name with Duke University and Duke Energy, but all are separate organizations.

Where to go when a pastor needs a pastor?

A few weeks ago we had two situations in our family for which we desired pastoral support. Since Mike, my husband, is retired, we have no district superintendent. We are attending a church with three very capable, competent pastors; but both of us wanted to talk with someone we knew, someone who knew our family, someone who was more familiar.

We prayed for direction and were led to one of Mike's former associates, who is now serving a church just a few miles away. He and Mike had a wonderful working relationship. We made an appointment. Our friend listened with compassion and care, prayed with us, and gave us encouragement to move forward.  

Yesterday I was talking with the chaplain at the hospital where I am a chaplain volunteer. We were discussing a few challenges in ministry -- finding a pastor when a pastor/spouse need pastoral support was mentioned. Praying for direction --who to seek-- was of primary importance. 

Mike and I both have lots of  friends in ministry; but when we prayed for guidance, we were led to someone a little unexpected, someone we rarely see. We wanted someone who was trustworthy and could keep a confidence. And we felt peace with our decision and experience.

When pastors need pastoral support, sometimes finding another pastor can be difficult. If you or your family need pastoral support, where do you go?

Jacquie Reed 

Fishers, Indiana