Second-hand Stress and Church Living

This post originally came from the blog sponsored by the Duke University Clergy Health Initiative.

 

Posted on April 7, 2014 by Katie Huffman

In a recent blog post, Jan Bruce, founder and CEO of meQuilibrium, introduced me to the idea of second-hand stress. A distant cousin of second-hand smoke, which we’ve long known to be hazardous to our health, second-hand stress is a recognized condition that indicates you can actually “catch” stress from other people.  Who knew that stress was contagious?

Well, YOU probably knew — pastors are among the most empathetic people out there, a trait which allows you to connect with your parishioners, coworkers, friends, and family and support them in so many ways. However, Ms. Bruce suggests that “being attuned to others’ emotions means that you’re potentially leaving yourself wide open to their frantic, messy, grousing, all-around unpleasant feelings, too.”
Humans are biologically wired to mirror each others’ emotions. Stress management expert Joe Robinson says, “Even if we’re not physically imitating what we see, mirror neurons still fire off a simulated version of the activity in your head as if you actually did it. It’s all designed to help us learn, understand, empathize, and connect with what others are doing and feeling.”

Okay, so your kid slams the door on her way in after school, throws her book bag against the wall and starts pacing back and forth in your kitchen, all the while muttering (or yelling) about the injustices of middle school, teachers, fickle friends, and life in general. You, once a teenager yourself and now a caring mother/father, notice the hair on the back of your neck prickling, your heart rate speeding up, and your palms getting sweaty.  You’ve picked up a case of stress from your daughter!

meQ recommends building “an emotional buffer zone, [which] allows you the space to feel, acknowledge, and name your reactions as they are happening.” This will protect you from the harmful effects of your own stress response and help you channel your energy into a positive reaction.
Here are meQ’s 3 tips for buffering against this second-hand stress (some will work better than others in certain situations):

1. Trap it, Map it, Zap it: Be aware of your body and emotions. Figure out where these emotions are coming from and what thoughts are behind them. Then, decide if these thoughts are based on reality, or are they just your own interpretation of the situation?
2. Relaxation Techniques: “The more you practice simple relaxation techniques, the faster and more powerfully they come to your aid when you need them.” Check out these quick-fix relaxation techniques from meQ.
3. Boundaries: Know what your boundaries are and make sure to stick to them. Are there topics you need to avoid with certain people? Are there times of day that should be off-limits for serious discussions with your spouse? Here are some other examples of personal boundaries.

--Katie Huffman

About Katie Huffman

Katie is a Wellness Advocate with the Clergy Health Initiative. She has an undergraduate degree in History and French and a Masters degree in Gerontology; prior to her current position, Katie worked as a social worker in a retirement community in Chapel Hill. Outside of work, she enjoys gardening, spending time outdoors, baking, and hanging out with her husband, Noah, their daughter, Ada, and two kitties, Grady and Gracie.

What Is the Anxiety Level at Your Church?

Last night at choir practice, we prayed for so many people. It seems that everyone knows someone who is struggling with illness or other trauma. It gives great comfort to pray with others and have the assurance that all is in God's hands.

But I'm not sure why we don't have that same confidence when it comes to dealing with money in the church. Like many churches, our church wishes it had more money for mission and ministry. Giving is down but that is because some major givers have moved. Membership has increased, but many young families don't have the resources to give. While I am grateful that our church is growing and that there are new faces in the congregation, money issues seem to be the only issues that matter to some folks.

Now if people really tithed, that would be another story. Perhaps God will prompt them to be more generous. Research shows that pastors give a much higher percentage of their income to the church than other people in the congregation, and many more pastors tithe. Maybe our family has more of a vested interest. I certainly hope that is not the case, but sadly  (and frankly this annoys me) I've seen too many people just leave the church instead of helping make it better.

Our church and community have suffered some tough blows this last year, but Jesus is the Lord of the future and our friend. There is no reason to be anxious.

Grace,
Kathy

"Someone" Is Unhappy!

You might think that after being in ministry for a while, a spouse would be able to handle this situation. Sorry to say that the learning curve for me is just too steep.

Last night at a prayer meeting, a person voiced the concern that "someone" (She didn't name them.) was upset and feeling pushed out. She didn't not want to mention names and she didn't. She really did want us to pray for our church. Naturally, we don't want anyone to feel unwelcome or alienated.

But even with her good intentions, the bomb had been thrown. Everyone reacted. Some just wanted to help. Some were curious. But we all were confused. Who could it be? And more seriously, what should we do?

I supposed that it may point to our lack of faith that we didn't think praying about it was enough. So we pressed her. Who are these people anyway and why are they upset? Then she replied and this is what shocked all of us. She said that we should just know. Couldn't we look around and see who wasn't there?

Really? We have over 800 members in our church. Three services. And lots of new people.

But yes, she said we should know already. Maybe she is right. If the church is our family, we'd notice who didn't show up for dinner. But there are so many and the vast majority attend twice a month. I'm still learning names and I've been there for seven years.

Then it hit me, she  expected that the pastor should also know. It was then that I started feeling annoyed. How many times have I heard (here and elsewhere) that people aren't happy and that was the pastor's fault. Why is the pastor responsible for the personal happiness of the members of the congregation? The pastor's job is not to make people happy or keep them from being upset. If people are upset it is their responsibility to speak out. Maybe they had, but who could know?

I care a lot about our prayer group, but it is times like these that I feel the special weight of being the pastor's spouse. There are so many unspoken expectations--some fair, others not.

Perhaps you have an opinion. What would you do?

Grace, Kathy

Scheduling Meetings on the Pastor's Day Off

I should be over this by now, but it bothers me that church people do not respect the pastor's day(s) off.

Yes, yes, I realize that there are emergencies. I understand that. But in the last couple of months, the church has scheduled multiple meetings and expects my husband to attend. In fact,  my husband (the pastor) has even scheduled some of the meetings himself. His comment to me is that this is an exceptional time of year--budgeting and the stewardship ministry kick-off. Naturally, those are vital. But it just seems that there is always something "vital" going on.

Now that our kids are on their own, I'm not bothered as much. But it makes it very hard to plan for us to do something together when I never know if there is a meeting or some other event planned.

Other minister's wives and husbands have told me that their spouse may not take any time off at all, so I guess I'm fortunate in that regard. And he is better than he used to be about having to go to all the meetings. My husband takes 2 non-consecutive weekdays off, but often times, he is planning or studying or going to Conference meetings on those days. And of course, it also doesn't count emergencies like funerals or hospital visits for emergency surgeries. And while he may "take off" 2 days, he works, on average, 7:00 am to 10:00 pm on all the other days. He does this, in part, because he's just that kind of person and would work that hard no matter what kind of job he had, but the church is only too willing to enable him.

You must also know that our church has about 800 members and there is no associate. I've jokingly said to some of the Staff Parish Committee folks that they are killing my husband and need to hire an associate. Actually many of them agree, but aren't moved sufficiently to do something about it.

On the other hand, our church is doing very well. It is a bright spot on the landscape of other churches that are declining. We continue to have many new members and meet our budget. And there are plans for expansion. I have no doubt that my spouse's leadership is largely responsible; and I imagine that when my husband stands before St. Peter, he will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

So, I support my husband and do not complain--unless it gets too bad. But how many of us spouses are in a similar position? We want the church to thrive, but at what cost?

Grace, Kathy

Clergy Health Study Results

A lay person came across this article about clergy health. While this isn't really news to many of us, it was to our laity, who are now more determined to help carry the ministries of the church. Here is the article:

The demands placed on clergy by themselves and others put pastors at far greater risk for depression than individuals with other occupations, a new study by the Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School has found.

The study, published this week in the Journal of Primary Prevention, compared the mental health of 95 percent of the United Methodist clergy in North Carolina (1,726 pastors) to a representative sample of Americans and identified key factors that predict depression and anxiety. Clergy participants were predominantly male (75 percent) and white (91 percent); the mean age was 52 years old. 

The study, conducted in 2008, found the depression rate among clergy to be 8.7 percent when responses were limited to telephone interviews that closely approximated the conditions of a national survey (the 2005-06 National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey).  However, among clergy taking the survey via web or paper, the rate of depression was even higher: 11.1 percent—double the then national rate of 5.5 percent.

Anxiety rates among clergy were 13.5 percent (no comparable U.S. rate was available). More than 7 percent of clergy simultaneously experienced depression and anxiety. 

A number of factors were found to be powerful predictors of depression and anxiety, most notably job stress. Clergy engage in many stressful activities, including grief counseling, navigating the competing demands of congregants, and delivering a weekly sermon that opens them up to criticism. The strain of these roles is further amplified by having to switch rapidly between them, which other studies have shown to exacerbate stressful experiences. 

Furthermore, the study found that pastors’ sense of guilt about not doing enough at work was a top predictor of depression, and that doubt of their call to ministry was a top predictor of anxiety.  Pastors with less social support—those who reported feeling socially isolated—were at higher risk for depression. 

By contrast, pastors reporting greater satisfaction with their ministry were half as likely to qualify for depression or anxiety. 

“Pastors may have created a life for themselves that is so strongly intertwined with their ministry, that their emotional health is dependent on the state of their ministry,” said Rae Jean Proeschold-Bell, the Clergy Health Initiative’s research director, and assistant research professor at the Duke Global Health Institute. “So it’s possible that when pastors feel their ministry is going well, they experience positive emotions potent enough to buffer them from mental distress. Of course, the converse is also true.”

The rates reflected in this survey represent the percentage of individuals who reported symptoms of depression and anxiety over the previous two weeks only. It is probable that a far higher percentage of clergy experience depression or anxiety at some point during a lifetime spent in ministry, Proeschold-Bell said.

“It’s common for public health professionals to ask pastors to offer health programming to their congregants,” said Proeschold-Bell.  “These findings tell us that we need to reverse course and consider how to attend to the mental health of pastors themselves.”

While pastors can proactively take steps to bolster their mental health—by taking vacation and Sabbath time, fostering friendships outside the church, and seeking counseling—there are many ways for others to support these efforts, too, Proeschold-Bell said. 

Seminaries can train their students to anticipate competing demands on their time and negotiate conflict. Denominational officials can praise clergy for their efforts, particularly when those pastors are serving churches roiled in conflict. And congregants can support their pastors by volunteering for tasks and following through on commitments, letting pastors know when they are moved by their work, and making it possible for pastors to take time away from the church.
The research is part of a longitudinal study conducted in 2008, 2010 and 2012; it is scheduled to continue in 2014 and 2016. The 2010 data yielded no significant changes to depression and anxiety rates found in the 2008 data.  The data from 2012 is still being studied. Additional information about the Clergy Health Initiative and its research is available online at www.clergyhealthinitiative.org.

The initiative is funded by The Duke Endowment, a private foundation based in Charlotte, N.C., that strengthens communities in North Carolina and South Carolina by nurturing children, promoting health, educating minds and enriching spirits. Since its founding in 1924, it has distributed more than $3 billion in grants. The Endowment shares a name with Duke University and Duke Energy, but all are separate organizations.

Grace in the Midst of Conflict

Like many young families in ministry, we have had times when my husband was appointed to a church as an associate pastor. For many families, these are some of the best years in ministry – less pressure because there is a senior minister who has the weightier responsibilities, the chance to be mentored by a seasoned clergy/clergy spouse, the ability to focus on a particular kind of ministry rather than administration. For other families, the years as an associate pastor are a tremendous struggle – senior ministers that micro-manage or are unwilling to share the pulpit, congregations that ask when the pastor is going to visit as the associate is walking out of a parishioner’s door after a visit, being stuck with the responsibilities that nobody else is willing to do. 

Being the spouse of the associate pastor when things aren’t going so well can be tough.  I sometimes found it hard to sit in church and be open to the senior pastor’s message when I knew what was going on behind the scenes. All I could think about was the most recent conflict in which it seemed like my husband had once again gotten the short end of the stick. It was also sometimes awkward. The few occasions when I was alone with the senior pastor were sometimes uncomfortable because we both knew that there was animosity in the air. 

            However, in the midst of what was one of the most stressful times in ministry was one very bright spot. The spouse of the senior pastor was incredibly gracious and kind to both me and my husband throughout that period. I am sure she was as aware as I was of the conflict going on between our husbands. Yet she always greeted us warmly and never let it stand in the way of our friendship.  As the “junior” and still very inexperienced clergy-spouse, I felt powerless to do anything to make the tension better, but she extended tremendous grace to me and my family. She set the tone for how we all conducted ourselves even in the midst of conflict. Her efforts built the one and only bridge that allows our two families to have any sort of positive relationship to this day. 

If you are reading this and you are the “junior” spouse, I hope you will focus on the positive relationships that will help get you through this time. If you are the “senior” spouse, know that you have the ability to build and even repair relationships in ways that your pastor-spouse cannot. Your reaching out can have a positive affect that will last throughout the lifetime of someone else’s ministry.

Julie

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Lessons from the Olympics--Happiness Is Perspective

I love the Olympics and am sorry that we'll have to wait 18 months for the Winter games. They offer some good life lessons.

Perhaps you heard the research, but it seems that bronze medals winners are generally happier than the silver medalists. The silver medalists compare themselves to the gold medal winners. They think, "If only I had done a little more." So they go to the podium disappointed. The bronze medalists, on the other hand, compare themselves to all the people who didn't win. They see themselves as much better off and just lucky to be there at all. They go to the podium with gratitude. The level of happiness is a matter of who they compare themselves to.

Are you happy? Who do you compare yourself too? We are blessed with so much material and spiritual wealth. But many don't feel satisfied with their blessings, because they think other people have more. They feel shorted even cheated when compared to "everyone" else.

While I certainly like my creature comforts, there have been times when our family struggled. The parsonage was substandard. Money, or the lack of it, was a constant worry. If seemed that we were always just one step away from financial ruin. But we were still happy. Happy to be together and learning how to depend on God with more trust. Times are better for us now, but the lessons we learned from the hard times have not gone unheeded. And now I can even thank God for them.

How is it with you? Are you struggling? Are you continually disappointed with your lot in life? Perhaps it is time to express gratitude for what you do have and thank God for your blessings, which God willingly wants for us.

Dear God, With so many unhappy people in our congregations, help us keep our eyes focused on you and the blessings you give us. Help us express gratitude so that we can experience the joy of living. In Christ's name, Amen.

Grace, Kathy

Find Joy by Choosing Gratitude

This time, a shooting at a movie theater in Colorado...

It's too easy for the world to suck us into its undertow. It makes me feel tired and overwhelmed, and it is those times that I just want to each chocolate and watch old movies. But it's also those times when I start to drift from God. Instead I have to be constantly vigilant about rejecting ingratitude and choose gratitude instead. When I start focusing on what I don't have, what I can't do, or what others have done to me or those I love, I am tempted to fret, worry, complain, and resent. Then, truthfully, too often, I vent my feelings to others--not very attractive or helpful.

When I feel myself going under or attacked by the evil of this world, I have discovered that gratitude helps me be open to God's grace. Gratitude keeps me stay afloat and not get weighed down by doubt, negativity, discouragement, or anxiety.

Choosing gratitude is a way to choose joy. Not happiness, which is transient and dependent on circumstance, but joy, which is fruit, not just of the Spirit, but for our spirit. Choosing gratitude is like taking a long sip of sweet tea.

Today, I will set my heart to relish God's abundant love in our midst and to disciple my tongue to speak words of kindness and goodness.

Because God chooses me, I will choose gratitude.

Grace, Kathy

God Forgives but Churches Don't--at least their Clergy

Had an interesting conversation the other day. This came from a layperson at the church involved. It seems that a long-time pastor acquaintance confessed to having an addiction to her congregation. She did so publicly in her sermon. She explained that she was in counseling and had overcome the addiction with the help of God. It appeared to have gone well. There were sympathetic nods, but no one said anything more--at least not to her. But when appointment time came around, the church demanded that she move. Frankly, they didn't care where she went. They said that would sooner close the doors of their church than have her as a pastor. And when word spread, the church she was projected to go also declined her, using the same reasoning.

This incident raises all kinds of issues and questions. Was it unwise for the pastor to confess anything and publicly at that? Was the church's response justified? Given the rates of relapse, were the people in any danger from the pastor's addiction? How should the DS have responded? (I forgot to say that the DS acted surprised about the whole matter.)

We all know that clergy are human and, therefore, suffer from the same foibles and temptations as those in the congregation. I am sure there are people with addictions in every congregation, many to whom the pastor ministers. Might overcoming an addiction make the pastor a better counselor, a better pastor? Sadly, this pastor will not get the chance.

What is also sad is that, with this particular addiction, the congregation has a right to be concerned. But the question remains, who ministers to the pastor? If we are on this Christian journey together, what is the most loving thing to do?

Grace, Kathy

Boundaries: What Do You Do?

Last week I was talking with a friend, whose husband is a pastor. She explained a situation with someone at her church, which left her feeling uncomfortable and perplexed. She described how a leader in the church, comes to her, places his hands on her shoulders and massages gently. He does this with other women too. She does not know if she should say anything to this man--she fears angering him--with possible repercussion to her husband, in a fairly recent appointment.

Interestingly, I had a similar experience a few days ago. I was a presenter at a district event. I entered the church, and was talking to a few people in the hallway. The pastor of the church, whom I do not know, came to me, wrapped his arms around me, got right in my face, and said, 'Can I help you find your room?' I was astonished. I stepped away quickly from his "embrace" and said,"No I know where to go."

Maintaining appropriate boundaries in a church can be very delicate for a pastor/spouse/family and a congregation.

How do others handle such situations?

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Ministry for Clergy Spouses

"Be Still" is a ministry in the Indiana Conference for clergy spouses who need a listening ear or a word of encouragement. I am putting together an information booklet to use with the program. I wonder if there are other conferences which have a booklet or information pamphlet given to clergy spouses when his/her spouse begins ministry?

If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.

God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Ministry Study Proposes No Guarenteed Appointment

Dear Friends, Please check out the Minisitry Study that will be proposal to General Conference in 2012. There are some suprises and some issues that effect us all.

Study of Ministry Commission Seeks Feedback. The Study of Ministry Commission has mapped out changes that include a shift away from security of employment for elders, a move to group candidacy mentoring, and separating ordination from full annual conference membership. “The 2008 General Conference asked us to streamline the ordination process and make changes that would move us to mission-oriented rather than a clergy-oriented church,” said Bishop Al Gwinn, chair of the commission. Comments can be e-mailed to ministrystudy@gbhem.org.

From the report:

Appointments should be determined by missional needs, effectiveness of clergy, and fruitfulness of congregations/ministry settings, honoring prophetic voice, accountability, character, servant leadership, and no security of appointment should be assumed.

The historic practice of itineracy is effective and responsive to covenantal obedience to call. Itineracy is not simply a practice of ‘moving clergy,’ but a way of fulfilling our Church’s mission.
Security of employment, commonly called guaranteed appointment, has become a barrier to fulfilling the church’s mission. It limits the ability of the church to respond to the primacy of missional needs. Security of employment can emphasize the needs of the clergy instead
of focusing on the mission of the church, and it restricts flexibility of appointments. Security of employment limits the church’s ability to respond to mediocrity and ineffectiveness. Security of employment is not sustainable, especially in the context of the financial pressures that
are building in our denomination.

Our vision is fruitful congregations that are transforming individuals and communities served by effective clergy undergirded by a system that is itinerant, open, flexible and responsive. To this end, we envision a shift to missional appointments, determined by missional needs
of the community, effectiveness of clergy, and fruitfulness of congregations/ministry settings, honoring prophetic voice and the common value of women and ethnic leadership in the church. Missional appointments emphasize fruitfulness in ministry over security of employment.
To accomplish this vision, we recommend the following:

1) Determine limited and standard fitness assessments. Each annual conference, board of ordained ministry, cabinet, and bishop will determine a clear definition of effectiveness and method for evaluating clergy.
2) Eliminate security of appointment for elders and edit appropriate Disciplinary paragraphs, including ¶¶334 and 337.
3) Create more flexibility for less-than-full-time elder appointments and edit relevant Disciplinary paragraphs, including ¶¶338 and 342. 4) Create a defined status/process for elders who are “not employed” and expand transitional leave as a new paragraph in the Discipline or draw language from ¶331.6.
5) Expand and create new oversight and review procedures for the appointment-making process to ensure that the historic protections of the prophetic pulpit, women and ethnic clergy
are preserved.
6) Coordinate with GBOPHB resources, methods and practices for separation of employment and employment transitions.

Little Children, Little Problems: Big Children, Big Problems

As a new parent, this saying was little comfort: Little children, little problems; big children, big problems. But now that my kids are grown, I see its wisdom. But it made me wonder if this is also true: Little churches, little problems; big churches, big problems. What do you think?

Like many of you, we've served in churches of all sizes. I seems to me that the problems many big churches face is due, in part, to the sheer complexity of dealing with so many people. But for many little churches, their main issues revolve around just surviving--not enough young families, not enough resources, not enough help from the Conference. This is a really big problem for all of us if our Church is to be the hands and feet of Christ.

While being small is also no excuse for not being a faithful witness, it does mean that the old 80/20 principle just cannot apply--you know where 20% of the people do 80% of the work. I've known many vibrant small churches, but those are also the churches in which everybody helps. There just can't be any dead weight. These are also the churches that can and often do grow. And it takes a lot more than just an energetic, dedicated pastor and spouse.

So what are small struggling churches to do? What is your experience? Should they just be closed and give up? Or is there still a viable place for the small church?

Kathy

When the Church Sins Against You

I recently had a tender conversation with a spouse whom I have mentored through a few difficult situations related to ministry.

Her husband is a second career pastor. His first congregation, while he was in seminary, warmly and enthusiastically welcomed him and his family. They were very supportive and encouraging while he navigated the demanding path of papers, tests, and family and church responsibilities. Following graduation, they moved to a rural church that was completely different. There were inadequacies in the parsonage. Getting needed repairs was a constant battle. And they expected the spouse's presence at various church events, which was complicated by the lengthy and daily commute to her job.

The "final straw" occurred when her husband was hospitalized, but the church thoughtlessly required him to preach within a few days of discharge -- two weeks sooner than recommended by his doctor.

I listened to my angry and frustrated friend for nearly forty minutes. She concluded by saying, "Someone needs to tell ministers and spouses not to expect 'a red carpet to heaven' when they begin life in ministry."

I knew that I had to pray about what to say to her. I surely did not want to offer her empty platitudes. She'd already heard too many from the congregation. So I suggested that she and her husband talk with their DS. I reminded her that a DS can be their advocate when church members avoid or prolong making necessary changes such as parsonage repairs. A DS can help a congregation sort through needs and expectations placed on a pastor and spouse. Finally, a DS can substitute or get a substitute for a pastor on Sunday, when the pastor is ill or dealing with critical personal circumstances.

Additionally, and most importantly, I encouraged her to keep her walk with God alive and vital. God is ever present to help us and hear our concerns. I also suggested that she contact three or four pastor spouses for support. I described my good experience with a book group I attend with a group of spouses. I confided that the discussing the book is really secondary to our opportunity to share our personal lives and places in ministry.

While no one gets "a red carpet to heaven," we do have God's graceful invitation to walk on a "red carpet of life." A carpet where we can travel with our Savior on the road that leads to life.

Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana

More Stress with No Commitment from Our Church

In a recent UM Reporter, I couldn't help but notice two adjacent articles. Separately they were newsworthy, but taken together, a bit surprising. The first article, funded by Duke, had to do with clergy health problems; i.e., clergy's poor health reflects inordinate amounts of stress--no big surprise to any of us. The second article had to do with the possible elimination of the guaranteed appointment.

Think about it. On one hand clergy are over-worked, over-stressed, criticized for poor self care, and under-paid. Then on the other hand, the Church says, "Let's add to pastors' burdens by eliminating their guaranteed appointment. Let's let them worry every year that they might not have a job or home or health insurance for their family the next year."

Seems to me that the Church demands 100% commitment from pastors but is unwilling to show that same commitment to her pastors and their families.

Frankly, it makes me angry. I don't know about you, but I'm not happy for my kids or me to be collateral damage when the Church fails to be a faithful partner.

Kathy

More Moving Tips

Here are a few suggestions that I have found helpful in the weeks preceding a move:

1. Intentionally continue whatever you do to stay connected to God. Even if you have to limit the time usually spent reading the Bible or resting in silence or prayer, the daily grounding you receive will be a reminder that God is present.

2. Keep a routine as much as possible, especially if children are involved. A routine can offer structure and security when there is chaos all around.

3. Recognize that moving involves grief. There are breaks in meaningful attachments that will take place. Anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and other emotions are often present with relocation. Realize that these responses are normal and allow time to work through those that occur.

4. Be patient with yourself. Adjustments take time, particularly if you are moving from a smaller town and church to a larger town and church. Learning how to navigate streets or how to get to church or making connections for yourself and your children, locating a doctor, dentist, a school, a job, the grocery store, the library etc., cannot be accomplished in one day. Take time to celebrate the steps you make each day.

5. Share feelings about the move with your spouse/children so that you can support each other.

6. Allow the new pastor and spouse in the previous church time to get acquainted with the congregation and settled in the community before returning for a visit.

7. Stay in touch with persons in the congregation or community with whom you feel close. Email, Facebook and other ways of electronic communication enable persons to stay connected much better than in the past.

8. Clean the parsonage thoroughly before leaving.

9. Invite friends to your new church, house/parsonage and community. Seeing familiar faces after a move can be uplifting.

10. Recognize that there are stages in life that are more difficult to move than others. Again be patient and invite God to help your adjustment.

11. Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Packing, moving, unpacking, adjusting to a new town/congregation/house/parsonage, finding a job, helping children find friends/school, require a lot of energy - physical, spiritual emotional. Light a candle to remember that God is present in these new surroundings. Ask for God's peace/strength/comfort/patience or whatever you need to dwell in your heart as you make your parsonage/house feel more like home.

12. Exercise regularly. Finding a YMCA or fitness center with various classes can offer fun ways to manage the stress a move often brings as well as a place to meet new people. If finances are limited, talking a walk can be very refreshing.

13. Find ways to connect with other clergy in the area. Over twenty years ago, Mike (my husband) and I decided that we were tired of being lonely and by ourselves on holidays like Memorial Day, Labor Day, and New Year's Day. So, we invited many of the United Methodist clergy/spouses/families who lived fairly close by to a Labor Day picnic. We provided the main dish and drinks and everyone else brought a vegetable or dessert to share. We still have our Labor Day picnic, with others hosting gatherings on Memorial Day and New Year's Day.

The Indiana Conference, where my husband is a pastor, has a confidential Clergy Spouse site accessible through Facebook. Persons often ask questions or share concerns giving others an opportunity to respond through this connection. Each year during annual conference, there is an established time and place where spouses can gather and visit.

Lastly, there is the annual clergy spouse 'refresher' a two night, two and a half day retreat usually held at a state park. There is a speaker, interest groups, and free time during which spouses can hike or participate in other opportunities available at the park. God I pray for all persons who are moving during the next few weeks. Thank you for the call to service in your name that each move represents. Help all remember that you are within and beside each one and that you have gone ahead preparing and blessing the new church/parsonage/home and ministry. Amen.

Jacquie Reed Fishers, Indiana

Your Guaranteed Appointment or Maybe Not!

Not sure how well known this is, but there is a movement in our United Methodist Church to eliminate the guaranteed appointment.

First, did you know this? And second, how do you feel about it?

From my view, if church work totally depended on the spirituality of the pastor and if pastors were totally responsible for the well-being of churches, I could see...maybe.

Just seems to me that the Bible gives a solid witness about prophets being stoned and Jesus crucified by religious leaders. This makes me worry that not having the support offered by a guaranteed appointment would enable churches, especially toxic ones, to stomp out pastors' prophetic voice. And I worry that pastors who are women and ethnic folks would be further marginalized.

What is happening where you are?

Grace, Kathy

Responding to Hidden Anger

Minister's spouses are prime targets for hidden anger. More often than not, there is no preparation for becoming a minister's spouse, and being thrown into a loaded position does little to endear a new spouse to the possibilities of a happy marriage as planned during the days leading up to the blessed nuptials. Even when the new spouse is aware of the fact that the marriage partner is already clergy, there are no classes, no mentoring situations, and no books to soften the explosion of events about to occur once the new spouse steps into the clergy spouse role.

The impact can be deafening, even when Christian civility on the surface presents with smiles, handshakes, and hugs. After all, who knew a clergy spouse had a role to fulfill other than 'new spouse.' If I am not mistaken, the marriage vows said nothing out of the ordinary, and expectations would hold for current job, family relationships, and exploration into the new relationship as the marriage plays out. Of course changes are to be expected; change of location, homes, even some friend relationships, whether or not to have children, and maybe even issues regarding church membership. These would all work themselves out in time as the couple becomes more and more able to share themselves meaningfully.

It is a process, and most couples are prepared for the process through pre-marital counseling prior to the wedding. Nothing is perfect and most new couples are aware of the hot button issues yet to face; not eager for them, but willing to go there with some idea where they are heading. New marriages are never a walk in the park, but are growing processes, and can be incredibly fascinating.

Becoming a pastor's spouse is an intense growth process in a perpetual garden, but not one many know how to tend once the seed is sown. Walking into the midst of a new congregation; one formed eons ago, complete with history, tradition, already formed relationships, and a shared sense of the abbreviations for what goes on there, is a bit heart stopping for most visitors who are looking for new relationships, let alone a new spouse who may have been very happy with the church attended prior to marriage, and possibly not quite separated from that church.

Throw that in the mix as the pastor introduces the new spouse. A sea of faces swim before the spouse, blurred by visions of anonymity never to be seen or heard from again. Suddenly, the spouse is a public figure. His or her life is open for comment, conjecture, criticism, praise, request, questions, spiritual help, affirmation, and guidance. In an instant, born of introduction, the new spouse evolves from a babe in marriage, possibly a babe in Christ, into a public figure endowed with a label inherently tied to assumptions, expectations, and standards heretofore unknown, possibly unwanted, and most certainly frightening in the beginning. Where is the education, the support, and the wisdom to cope with this fundamental change in life and status? And where is the pastor? Who is ministering to the spouse?

To put it mildly, frustration begins its slow crawl into the light. However, to be fair, the minister's spouse may be no more in the limelight than an M.D.'s spouse, or the Governor's, or the Mayor's. But, while the status may be somewhat the same, minus the income, the expectations are far different. A Doctor's or Mayor's or Governor's spouse would be expected to be friendly, entertaining, and invested in community as well as church, however the depth of expectation within the church would not be the same. A pastor's spouse is often looked to for spiritual direction, teaching Sunday School, leading children and youth groups, playing the piano, singing in the choir, evangelizing, working in mens or women's groups, and visiting the sick and shut-in, listening to the hurting; pinch hitting for the pastor who is called and educationally trained while the spouse may have no pastoral calling or training and desires none since other callings and interests, gifts of grace rest upon them.

And again, I ask, "Who is ministering to the spouse?" Even when the pastor is loving, caring, and supportive of the spouse, the pastor's attention is often drawn toward the congregation and community needs, with the expectation that the spouse will understand, forgive, and endure without expecting a pound of flesh. The pastor is often so wrapped up in God's work; God's calling, that the mundane everyday things of life are sometimes overlooked, not in malice or disregard, but sometimes out of the same type of expectations found in congregation members.

An unwritten list of "should be able to do this or that," appears out of nowhere to shroud the reality of the unprepared spouse, the untrained spouse; the spouse called to be a partner and witness in relationship with the pastor. And while I speak from the experience of being the spouse of a United Methodist pastor, and a pastor and counselor myself, I believe these events may bear some universality among pastor's spouses.

Frustration in pastoral spouse situations and places can lead to anger; anger to brokenness, brokenness to destruction of relationships with one another and with God, if allowed to fester without understanding or hope or the simple affirmation that, yes, being a pastor's spouse can be difficult. We all need to be validated in how we feel and what we think is going on in our lives, but that is a starting point only. The bigger issue is at stake and that issue has to do with our own personal relationship with God. We are God's; created for a purpose, loved and directed by God. Reading in Genesis, we know that we humans were created for unity. We were created to live in the Garden of Eden. We didn't make it, and we're reaping the consequences daily, but God is still calling us to the Garden experience. Our goal is to learn how to work alongside God, for God's purposes, so that we can witness to others the love of Christ; so others will know God and Christ as their Savior, through the work of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen some pastor's spouses who are bitter and angry; some whose smiles are so beautiful I feel as though I am in the presence of angels, and others who are confused and seeking. We are all in different stages of faith and on different roads of our journey, and I cannot say the journey is easy, but when God gives us a gift, a calling, or a task, we know it. God speaks it to us, makes us able to do it, and is with us every step of the way. Anger does not feel good. It gets in the way of our relationship with God and others. When we feel anger, we know it is real, it has roots, and it is our job to get the hoe and weed it out! Sometimes we can't do that by ourselves, so as we pray to God for help, God will send someone to partner with us and help us learn new ways of dealing with things, accepting some things and discarding others. Sometimes that help comes from your pastor, your pastor spouse, a counselor, a friend, a teacher, a child, a parent; and always from God. It is my belief that pastors and spouses together could benefit from exploring the need for an educational process for pastor's spouses; one that could easily adapt to the fact that some spouses have jobs and children to care for, while providing needed support and mentoring groups within Districts and Conferences. Not only would it benefit the spouses, but enhance marriages, improve congregational relationships and enliven spiritual awareness and relationship with God. It would also be a wonderful witness to the world to see this change come about within the church. People come to Christ when our witness is consistent with who God is. When we, who are leaders in the church, are hurting and damaged, we sometimes give off negative messages about God with our anger and bitterness, without meaning to, and that is not what God wants for any of us. God wants to draw us, love us, and help us draw others to God. Blessings and peace!

Kathleen

Kathleen is a spouse/pastor/counselor

Consultation and Christmas Cards

Dear Friends,

Many of our spouses have already had their consultations with their DS, at least mine has. And soon the PPRs and SPRs will vote whether they want us to return another year. In addition, in our conference there is a long string of mid-year moves. Since we are appointed in June and begin the process all over again in January, it should be no suprise that pastors and spouses can think about moving all the time! If I think about it too much, the whole thing provokes a lot of anxiety. So over the years, I just steer clear of all the appointment gossip. I wish I could simply grasp the whole moving thing with joy, but to me it just reeks of insecurity.

The one thing that does help in dealing with the uncertainty is remembering all those Christmas cards. Like you, each year we get bunches of cards and letters from friends and former church members. It's fun seeing their kids grow up as we get cards from year to year. I have to remember that I wouldn't know most of those people if we hadn't moved to their church.

How about you? Statistics say (in our conference) that about one third of us move every year. How do you live with moving? I know of one spouse who said that she and her family refused to move and that her spouse could just commute. (Actually, I have heard that more than once.)
What words of advice and encouragement can you give to help those spouses new to the process? How do you prepare your kids?

Kathy

Kathy is an editor and hates to move, even though she hasn't moved as often as many.

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