When Going to Worship Hurts

How many times have I heard clergy spouses share stories of pain? Way too many--even some of my own experiences in churches brought challenges.  

One of the most difficult aspects of pain in ministry has to be seeing persons in church each week who have made unkind remarks or caused disturbances in committee meetings that have hurt my husband and consequently have an impact on me and our family.

I hear lay people comment that attending church is a source of renewal and comfort, a time to gain support in the body of Christ and to celebrate those occasions that bring joy.

What can clergy spouses do, when Sunday becomes the hardest  day of the week. (I've heard these words so many times, especially recently).  Where can spouses go to seek God's presence in worship? 

Something I did a few years ago, helped me greatly.  I asked my husband if I could go somewhere else to church for a month of Sundays. He knew I was supportive of his ministry, but circumstances at church were just too overwhelming, and I needed a break. He agreed.  

Since I knew every United Methodist pastor serving a church within a twenty mile radius of my home, I decided to attend four different Quaker churches. I walked into the sanctuary and came to a place where I could be present to God. I did have a sense of community experiencing worship in the body of Christ even though I didn't know anyone.  

I found the Quaker service one of peace and quiet. The ten minutes of silence in the middle of worship was an opportunity for me to drink God deeply into my soul. I appreciated my time away from my own church, and returned refreshed and renewed.

An interesting aspect of my time away was no one missed me. No one asked my husband where I was. I realized I did what was necessary to care of myself. It just did not matter what anyone said or thoughy. 

I pray that if your church is a place of pain that you can find another church to attend for worship, even for one week to care for yourself and re-connect with God.

Jacquie

Clergy Spouse Retreat

The Indiana Conference has a long-time history of an annual clergy spouse retreat. The event was held last weekend in Indianapolis, a central location.
 
There was a speaker, singing, worship, an afternoon for shopping or sight-seeing, and, of course, being with friends who live all over the state.
 
I want to share two comments from spouses/my friends, which I feel summarizes the weekend.

"I've always said that I couldn't care less about who the speaker is; I just LOVE being able to let down my shields for a weekend, to spend time with people who 'get it.'" Another friend added,"Being with people who really get what my life is like is what draws me back more than anything else."
 
I believe these two comments indicate the value of our time together. We do understand the nature of our lives more than anyone else. Having an opportunity to share stories, challenges as well as "glory moments" is important to our mental and spiritual health.

Although social media makes communication and connection easier for those who live in various towns and cities, but actually being physically present adds depth and meaning to our encounters.
 
I am so thankful for the retreat. Do other conferences have similar events?
 
Jacquie Reed 
Fishers, Indiana

Help for Hurting Clergy Spouses

"Be Still" is a caring ministry for clergy spouses in the Indiana Conference of The United Methodist Church. We've put together a brochure, and if you want a copy let me know (jreed46038@hotmail.com). There are ten districts in our conference, but only three districts have spouses who are available to listen and be present to those who are hurting. We are working on more coverage.

I was talking recently with one of the spouses providing support. Both of us described separate experiences with spouses whose names were given to us by a district superintendent. We contacted the spouse several times, with no response. We decided to contact the referring superintendents for further direction.

Reflecting on the lack of response, I remembered a few conversations with clergy spouses, who were afraid that sharing personal struggles would somehow get back to the congregation (even though confidentiality is assured) and/or affect their spouse's ministry.

My question is, How to inspire courage for hurting spouses to "speak up," and utilize a caring ministry designed just for them? I know that asking for help does take a lot of courage, but the benefits for carrying one another and ultimately bringing the spouse to the one says, "Come to me, all who are tired and need rest" can be healing.

God there are many spouses hurting in my conference and I assume in other conferences too. Give them strength and courage to seek listening ears who are waiting to help. Amen.

Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana

"Be Still" is a ministry in the Indiana Conference for clergy spouses who need a listening ear or a word of encouragement. I am putting together an information booklet to use with the program. I wonder if there are other conferences which have a booklet or information pamphlet given to clergy spouses when his/her spouse begins ministry?

If you are interested in sharing with me and my committee I would be grateful. My email is jreed46038@hotmail.com. Thank you so much for helping.

God, we your children are mindful that we must care for each other in the way that you would. Guide the ministry that is beginning to reach out to those spouses who need your touch. Amen.

Jacquie Reed,
Fishers, Indiana

Guns and Church Security

Heard a most disturbing story. It seems that a few churches now have a security team equipped with guns! Yes, you heard right--guns. The idea is that certain men in the congregation are trained in case a gunman enters church with the intent of hurting someone. My friend told me that the church also has an emergency exit plan for the pastor and the pastor's family.

I'm glad people care about their pastor and will make plans in case of an emergency, but the thought of men carrying guns into worship makes me wince. There are just too many people with anger issues and, frankly, PTSD, to trust that someone might not use the gun they say they will protect you with and kill you or someone you care about instead.

Am I just out of the loop on this? How common is this? Do you have a security team at your church?

Happy Advent,
Kathy

Loving God by Being Truly Present

Monday morning, I was preparing to pray, when the phone rang. I took a second wondering if I should answer, but I did. The caller was a pastor's spouse whom I have mentored over the past three years during a very difficult appointment. She was overjoyed to tell me that her husband was moving in June to a new church. I was thrilled and excited.

I listened as she described the parsonage and all of the many benefits that this new appointment would allow personally and professionally. However, I must say, that occasionally I kept thinking that I wasn't going to have time to complete my morning prayer time if I kept talking to her, because I had to leave my home by a certain time. I chastised myself for not being completely present to her. I also began to get restless, which is what I do when I am pressed for time. Thankfully, God took over and allowed me to give up my own agenda to offer myself completely to my friend. Of course, by the time we finished talking, I needed to leave. I missed my prayer time; but as I reflected later in the day, I would not have missed the opportunity to celebrate with my friend, to hear her answered prayer, and to rejoice with the potential for spiritual growth that the move will present.

Monday also reminded me of a day last summer when I was preparing to attend a weekly ecumenical Bible study at the YMCA, when the phone rang. Once again, I knew that if I answered, I would be late. Thankfully, I did answer, to find a friend of mine crying at the other end. She and I talked for as long as she needed, but just like last Monday, I kept thinking I really need to get to Bible study. Thankfully, God intervened and I continued listening. I took off for the Y when she finished. I missed most of the class, but I was glad to listen.

I later shared with the group about my experience saying, "I thought about telling my friend I couldn't talk to her because I had to get to Bible study so I could learn how to show God's love to all people in any circumstance." They appreciated the humor and reality of the situation.

My prayer today is "God, I want to be present to you. I want to be present to those with whom I call friend. "My prayer time" is as much sitting at a table, reading your word as being with those who are crying or celebrating. Amen.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

The rest of the story...

Dear Friends, Here is the rest of Faith's story.

I have experienced the other side of the death of a pastor. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my husband was preaching one Sunday; the next Sunday he was dying; and by the next Sunday, he had been laid to rest. What followed was beyond belief... in or out of the church!

Here are some of the events: I felt led to speak that next Sunday due to speculation, rumors, and misinformation about his death. I just wanted everyone to know what really happened. I was told through my husband's secretary that the D.S. said unless I had completed a Lay Speaking Class, I could NOT speak. Although my husband had had me speak and I often helped with Mother's Day, Children's Sabbath, graduation, and other special services. I had also been his unpaid assistant for many years and had done all his computer communication. I had been a partner in his ministry and spent many hours with him in his church offices.

But I DID speak at both our churches that next Sunday. I felt it would help with the grieving process if they knew the truth. I tried to reach out to members of our congregations and offered to have small group meetings to share memories and loss. I am so appreciative to the 8 people from one of our churches that were kind and caring to me and his children. However, we did NOT have one meal offered or brought to the parsonage. I DID NOT receive condolence cards from them.

Thankfully, we received tons from past members, family, and friends. Although I attended church there for several months, I was basically ignored. I called the Trustees and offered to do a walk-through with them before moving from the parsonage. I cleaned the whole place , so it was spotless; and I donated beautiful furniture that was needed to furnish the parsonage and home office. I made notes of any small repairs. I added those to the same list my husband had given them during the annual walk-through that had not yet been addressed.

Then the interim pastor came. He emptied the church office of all my husband's belongings. He did not ask me if that would be helpful or if I wanted him to. The next week, I found the boxes in a Sunday School room. There was nothing in the bulletin. There was nothing said on Sunday morning. It was as if my husband had never been there. The new pastor never called us or visited me. He did not acknowledge our existence or our grief. He even opened my husband's personal mail. I finally had a meeting with him and his wife. He admitted he had never followed a death like this in his 40+years of ministry. Lord knows, I could certainly tell that. But to this day I don't understand it. I wouldn't be treated like that in the "world."
Faith

Kathy adds: Many churches do not realize how much pastors and their families depend on them for support. While we are there, we are part of the church family. As Faith said, you love them, weep with them, celebrate with them--you bond. If you don't bond with the congregation, ministry doesn't really work. Many churches don't realize that we may feel simply cast-off after we leave and those bonds are broken; and it's hard to understand how on one day you are an essential part of the family and the next day you're not. It's hard to understand that some of your friends were only friends of the pastor's spouse and not really yours at all.

When we started out in ministry, more experienced spouses told me that you can't really have friends in the congregation. While that may be a bit of an overstatement, it is largely and sadly true. That is one reason for this blog. Through it, we hope that you will feel heard, understood, and a part of the Church family.

Kathy

When the Church Fails to be the Body of Christ

I have lots of friends. REAL friends. Christlike friends. Friends in the "world." But how did our church treat us...Christlike? Don't think so. Certainly didn't feel like it.

After my husband died, the children felt their Dad had given his heart and life to ministry and for what? Why didn't we have a pastor when we needed one? We had certainly shared ours when he was needed. We had tried to be there for others at their most difficult times. We had ached when they ached. Now, we were totally devastated. Where were the members of his/our congregation? NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

Well... I packed and moved with no help from any of them. Not a word. NO offer to pay for my move although it would be required if we were BOTH moving. Thankfully, I was only moving about 10 miles to my own home. Thankfully, I had loving members from a previous appointment that helped me move. They were happy to help. They knew how much I loved my husband. How much he loved me. How devastating it was. They loved him and they loved me, too. I will never forget them and their kindnesses. They called me every month on the anniversary of his death. They let me cry. They listened. They cried with me. Now... they were able to be Christlike.

Thank you, God for sending them, for using them to be your heart, your hands, your ears.

GOD HAS REVEALED SO MUCH TO ME DURING THIS EXPERIENCE: We can't give what we don't have to give. We can't accurately judge another. Don't try! Do not repay like with like. Allow God to be God. Let nothing about this be wasted.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW!

Faith

Your Guaranteed Appointment or Maybe Not!

Not sure how well known this is, but there is a movement in our United Methodist Church to eliminate the guaranteed appointment.

First, did you know this? And second, how do you feel about it?

From my view, if church work totally depended on the spirituality of the pastor and if pastors were totally responsible for the well-being of churches, I could see...maybe.

Just seems to me that the Bible gives a solid witness about prophets being stoned and Jesus crucified by religious leaders. This makes me worry that not having the support offered by a guaranteed appointment would enable churches, especially toxic ones, to stomp out pastors' prophetic voice. And I worry that pastors who are women and ethnic folks would be further marginalized.

What is happening where you are?

Grace, Kathy

How Much Is Too Much Information

I grew up believing that spouses should share everything--no secrets. And I went into marriage with that idea. But as time has gone by, there are times that I'm glad that my spouse doesn't tell me everything. For one reason, it is unethical for him to tell confidences. I have to admit, though, sometimes I can guess anyway. Like the time some of youth parents were swapping mates. I didn't know, and still don't know, the specifics; but I could tell because youth do talk.
Or the time a church just didn't feel right to me. Later I found out about the hate mail that flew back and forth between various church families.

Of course, many church folks do believe that spouses share even confidential information. So sometimes, people assume I know things that I don't. Like the time a woman stopped by the house to talk to me about the affair her husband was having with another member of the congregation. She assumed I knew all about it. Before I could stop her, she gave me too much information.

What about you? Have much information do you and your spouse share about the church? Does your spouse ever share confidential information with you? Do you ever share any of that with your kids? (In my experience, kids usually know more than we often give them credit for.)

Kathy

When is the best time to move?

Dear Friends, I am helping lead a spouse retreat in the next couple of weeks and would appreciate your feedback.

In your experience how do you determine when it is time to move? Are there signs you look for?

For us, it seems that we've always been happy to stay. I especially have always advocated for family stability, even when my spouse would have been happy to move on. And while a couple of our moves were because the bishop wanted us at a particular place, there have been other times when the churches have been so unbearable/toxic that we just needed relief.

I had a bishop (not ours) tell me recently that the reason there are so many moves is because clergy request them. This surprised me for lots of reasons. About one third of our clergy move each year, despite promises of longer tenure by the Cabinet. This pattern has been in effect ever since we begin ministry about 30 years ago. Perhaps this just means that the more things change the more they remain the same.

What do you think is long enough or too much time at a church? When is the best time to move?

Kathy

How open is your church?

I had just finished swimming laps. The guy in the lane next to me noted that one of the lanes had just been marked for use by the out-patient physical therapy department, now part of the Y complex. He began, "I get irritated when the lanes are taken over by swim lessons and now this. They never ask the members for suggestions or if it is ok to open lanes for others. They let everybody else in and then there are fewer lanes for lap swimmers. I wish they would ask for opinions before making changes -- it is just like church. No one asks, they make changes all of the time." And off he went continuing his swim.

His comments stayed with me throughout the day. Do members at your church feel that they can express an opinion about potential changes or are they like this man who feels that he has no voice in what happens? What do you think about this man's comments? How are changes in your church presented to the congregation? How free do you free to voice your own opinion?

Jacquie Reed pastor's spouse, Fishers, Indiana.

Do you ever need a vacation from church?

Dear Friends, Do you ever need a vacation from church? If so, what do you do? Where do you go for spiritual nourishment?

Here is a story from Jacquie:


I couldn't fanthom going to church. I was physically tired and emotionally drained from people coming to me each Sunday, telling me their difficulties. When I asked, "Do you want me to tell Mike? (my husband, the pastor), sometimes the answer was "yes" and sometimes "no."

I talked to Mike and told him I wasn't coming to church for a month of Sundays. He said that was fine. He is always supportive in the area of ministry challenges. I can do what I need to do. I decided to attend Friend's Meetings in the area. Each Sunday I felt so relaxed walking into the sanctuary, not knowing anyone. I could sit, pray, listen and sing, without a line of people waiting to talk after the service ended. I was gone from home an hour not all morning. I decided I could easily become a Friend. I liked the simplicity of the service and the ten minutes of silence in the middle of worship.

I was so refreshed from my "vacation" that when the month was gone, I was ready to return to my church. Interestingly, no one asked Mike where I was. No one noticed I wasn't present. Jesus stressed the importance of going away...and being alone. I am thankful for the time I spent with God in another sanctuary with God's people.


Jacquie Reed, spiritual director, Stephen Minister, wife, mother, jreed46038@hotmail.com Fishers, Indiana

Soul Cleaning

I got up this morning and went to my desk which overlooks the woods behind the back yard. It was still dark and snow was falling. The temperature was ten degrees with the wind chill eight below. I immediately thought of one of my favorite hymns, "In The Bleak Midwinter," written by Christina Rosetti in 1872 (based on Luke 2:8-14). Gustav Holst, wrote the music in 1906. The first verse captured the scene framed by the window:

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

It is indeed, the bleak midwinter, with more snow and cold temperatures predicted for Wednesday and Thursday. There is something introspective about this time of year --the perfect opportunity to travel within visiting our heart or soul or whatever name you give to the place where God resides. It's perfect for soul cleaning, and clearing , getting rid of old thoughts, old patterns of responding to life which were helpful at some time, but not now. Getting rid of that clutter opens big spaces for new thoughts, ideas, and insights to enter and illumine paths which previously were clouded. God thank you for the bleak midwinter when you show your quiet side. Guide us to find your quiet side in us as we sort out the old and make a place for new living in your light. Amen.

Jacquie Reed, spiritual director, Stephen Minister, lives in Fishers, Indiana. jreed46038@hotmail.com

Live Stress Free

Dear Friends, Want to get away and let all that stress go? Visit Faith Mayton at
www.tender-touch-therapies.com
Her blog is tendertouchtherapies.blogspot.com

The Angriest People

I recently came across an article that appeared in Circuit Rider (a magazine for United Methodist clergy) a couple years ago. "Keeping Up Appearances," by marriage and family counselor Linda Hileman (herself a PK and clergy spouse), discusses the isolation many clergy families endure, having no one with whom they can be honest about their feelings and struggles.

She discusses the case of Mary Winkler, the Baptist minister's wife in Tennessee who killed her husband in 2006. Church members all said she was "the perfect pastor's wife" and that "they had no problems, as far as we knew." Those congregants and Winkler's lawyers all made statements about her, but Hileman wants to know where her friends and family were. Did she have anyone with whom she shared her private pain?

Hileman's piece is definitely worth the read, but I'll share the money quote here, in case you don't have time to read the whole article:

The vast majority of pastors state that the ministry is detrimental to
their families. One counselor, who sees a large number of clergy and clergy
spouses in his practice, says that United Methodist clergy-wives are the
angriest people he sees. It is ironic that in a connectional system such as
the United Methodist Church, we and our families have so few
connections.

This is the quote that I always remember from this article. "...the angriest people he sees..." I try not to let that be a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I think about it whenever I feel angry, and I wonder what it is about the UMC in particular that makes clergy-wives so angry. Is it the lack of choice in the appointment process? Is it the frequency of moves? What do you think?

Living in the Light

Dear Friends,

Jessica's gracious observations remind me about the importance of being kind and compassionate even in the face of thoughtless, or worse, malicious folks in the congregation. There have been times when I've been so broken, hurt, angry, self-righteous, etc. that I did not want to go to church at all. But I went anyway; although sometimes I had to be prodded. But with God's help, I will never let anyone snuff out my candle. People can, and have, said all kinds of things. I may be injured, but I will never be defeated. Is this because I've got some kind of super faith? No, but it is because I have a devoted spouse, a strong family, and empathic friends.

There has been some conversation about whether this is a safe place for spouses. "Somebody" might it worse for our spouses if they see something they don't like. Admittedly, this is a very real possibility. But we all know that evil loves the darkness and gossip breeds in the dark. The very best we can do is live in the light and be a positive force. It's all about power. Be careful what you say, but don't let some nameless "somebody" take away your voice.

We all know that as spouses, we see the very worst of people. But in my experience these are the people who hurt the most; they strike out because of their own pain and guilt. But we also see the very best; and that thought is what gets me through. It's Miss Esther's heart-felt prayers; it's Glen's steadfast devotion to mission; it's Paris Cotton working with my husband until midnight so that he'd get that cradle finished.

So when my spouse, or I, or even my kids become the object of someone's sin, I arm myself with these verses, "With God nothing is impossible" and "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." Because in the end, no one can defeat gracious, ever-seeking love of God.

Kathy