Moral Injury in the Congregation

Moral injury is a very important topic. While most of the research is currently concerning war vets (and hence the research funding), it is recognized that moral injury can happen to anyone who is traumatized or, especially someone who traumatizes another. It’s also a new way to frame sin, guilt, and shame, and puts care for these folks squarely in the pastor’s realm.  In a sense, it’s another way of talking about soul care. 

Moral injury describes how people are changed through exposure to violence and the inflicting of

harm and death on others resulting in profound mental, emotional, and spiritual struggle.

Moral injury can occur when persons betray or are betrayed. When they find themselves in a morally comprising situation with no way out. War is an obvious cause because soldiers have to kill other soldiers but sometimes civilians are also hurt. This is especially common in guerrilla warfare.So even if soldiers comes home physically and emotionally home (no PTSD), their spirits can be seriously diminished. But moral injury also occurs when anyone hurts another. Sin chips away at the soul.

Need a little help from you. Does this topic interest you? Do you see it as important? Do you see moral injury in your congregation? Would you like to learn more and how you can help these persons?

Grace, Kathy

Newtown Anniversary: What If We Said No?

As we are all being reminded, tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting which took the lives of children and adults. It is an event that reminds us how susceptible each of us is to violence and that no one age group or place is safe or sacred from the destruction caused by violence. At the same time, it is a reminder that life still goes on after bad things happen.

I do not know what propels people to watch countless hours of television, as reporters and the media regurgitate the same sound bites for hours. Yet, millions of televisions will inevitably broadcast images, the voices of so-called experts, stories of brokenness and hope, life and of course death.

While the media retells the story, again, we know that the families and town government have asked that we leave them alone and give them privacy. Families have asked people to stay away. If we listened, families could walk the streets of Newtown and remember or reflect, like I did last January when I visited with siblings. They could pop their head into the Misty Vale General Store and share their grief with locals, talking about what this past year has been like for them and the community. They could grab a bite to eat at Villa Restaurant and Pizza with a close friend. They could live their new lives without the disruption of our misplaced intentions.

When the grieving ask for privacy they do not mean, “Hey, please avoid knocking on our door and lurking in our garage.” I think they mean, stay away so that they can choose how to grieve in their own way and at their own home, within their community and without the media and gawkers. That is what I hear them asking for on this day.

So, I wonder. On this day when families ask for privacy and for us to turn our voyeurism into acts of kindness in OUR COMMUNITIES, what would happen if we turned off the television, avoided the news, and ignored, all together, any story about Newtown? Perhaps we could send a message to the media, and those who will choose to ignore the requests by creating chronic coverage, that we choose to respect the wishes of the bereaved.

While we continue to ask questions of “how and why” events like Sandy Hook happen and what we can do to help, it is true that we may want to talk about about gun control, access to mental health support, violence in American life, and all the other issues events like Sandy Hook provoke us to ponder. We should not, however, utilize this anniversary to remind ourselves (as if we ever had a moment to forget) that these questions run deep in our collective consciousness. This anniversary is Newton’s anniversary. The questions that need to be asked about this tragedy may be ours, but the grief that accompanies this anniversary is not about us and we must be clear about that distinction. I believe that clarity is the only thing separating us from respecting those who are filled with grief and those who wish to watch from the sidelines.

And for those of us who want to be supportive, often times that simply means listening and giving people the space they have requested.

Joseph M. Primo, MDiv.

CEO | Good Grief

38 Elm Street | Morristown | NJ | 07960

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908.522.1999 x8011

                                                                                   

Healing the Hurt

            Several weeks ago I had the opportunity to go on the Walk to Emmaus, and I expected that when I went on this retreat that God would do work in me.  I was surprised, however, that it hurt.

            My dad was a United Methodist pastor, and a very good one at that, as well as a doting father. God had done innumerable wonderful things for countless numbers of people through him, and I have always been proud to be his daughter. I wasn’t in the habit of giving much thought to what the fruitfulness of his ministry had actually cost me. In my mind, I had gained a tremendous upbringing, full of prayers and full of Christ!  On this retreat, I was surprised when this is what God brought up – an awareness of the cost.  As an itinerating family, it had cost me a stable upbringing in a community that knew me from birth and loved me.  We went from church to church, and the church where we were the longest had been a church in which I never really fit in.  In every church and through every move, God did amazing work in the lives of other people, but each move cut into my development in negative ways.

            Now my husband is a United Methodist pastor, and I continue in the life of moving.  In his 8 years of ministry, we have moved 3 times.  Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night with a terrible sense of disorientation, sensing the tremendous disconnect I have from any one community anywhere on the planet.  And wherever we move, it seems I am surrounded by people who have lived in the community forever, whose parents live there, whose grandparents live there, whose childhood friends live there with their children who now play together.  Even people who have moved away from those communities still get to return on occasion.  There is a cost.

            It was at Emmaus that God brought these things to the forefront of my mind, and I cried and prayed, wound exposed.  It was then that God began to apply the balm.  God’s plan for the fullness of time – the goal of the universe – is to draw all things together into a unity with God that is so close that Jesus speaks of it in terms of his unity to the Father (Ephesians 1:10; John 17:21).  When we draw close to God, we inevitably draw close to others into the only community that is truly forever.  “In me you will lack nothing,” God whispered to my spirit.  “My gift to you is ineffable.”  God wants us all there!

            In the Congo there grew beautiful acacia trees with lovely flowers and leaves.  There were birds that attacked the food supply of the community at one point, and the people needed arrows to shoot the birds down.  And so it was decided that they would use the wood of the acacia trees to make arrows.  To do this, the tree’s flowers and leaves had to be cut off.  The God-given beauty of the branches, the parts of the tree essential for its health and well-being, were discarded.  Then, with its flowers and leaves gone, the branch went through the whittling process, all for the sake of producing a straight, well-balanced arrow.  To become an arrow cost the plant something good, something that other trees got to keep.  But the arrows produced by the acacia were deadly weapons against the threats to the community in the hands of skilled archers.  Was I willing to let my flowers and leaves fall so that my family could be a dreaded weapon in the hands of God, whose aim never falls short?  

            The cost is real.  But so is the gain, for me and for others.  In him I lack nothing, and his gift to me is ineffable.  For the sake of drawing many into this gift, I am privileged to be an arrow in his hands.  And, amazingly, it becomes my joy.

Anonymous 

What do we tell the children about death and dying?

Many of us have had to explain death and dying to a child. If we are fortunate, the first time might be when the goldfish dies. But, as recently happened at our church, we have to talk about why their friend's daddy died. Face it, clergy kids are around death a lot. Here is a new book that will help.

What Do We Tell the Children? Talking to Kids about Death and Dying

(ISBN 978-1-4267-6049-5)

http://www.cokesbury.com/forms/ProductDetail.aspx?pid=1190527&rank=1&txtSearchQuery=9781426760495

 One out of seven children will lose a parent before they are 20. The statistics are sobering, but they also call for preparedness. However, adults are often at a loss when dealing with a grieving child. Talking to adults about death and grief is difficult; it's all the more challenging to talk to children and teens. The stakes are high: grieving children are high-risk for substance abuse, promiscuity, depression, isolation, and suicide. Yet, despite this, most of these kids grow-up to be normal or exceptional adults. But their chance to become healthy adults increases with the support of a loving community. Supporting grieving children requires open-communication and patience. Rather than avoid all conversations on death or pretend like it never happened, normalizing grief and offering support requires us to be in-tune with kids through dialogue as they grapple with questions of “how” and “why.” When listening to children in grief, we often have to embrace the mystery, offer love and compassion, and stick with the basics.

Author: Joseph M. Primo is Executive Director of Good Grief, Inc. in Morristown and Princeton, New Jersey, and President of The National Alliance for Grieving Children. A graduate of Yale Divinity School and a former hospice chaplain, Primo is an author and blogger for the New Jersey Star-Ledger. He has appeared on CNN and FOX as a grief advocate.

"The stories Primo tells are compelling and filled with many teachable moments about life and death. The book is encouraging for parents and others fearful of "doing it wrong" or (scarier still!) "having already done it wrong!" A must read for anyone caring for the grieving."  

̶ Kate Braestrup, New York Times Best-Selling Author of Here If You Need Me

"This wonderfully sensitive book is full of illustrative stories and gentle wisdom."
 ̶ Kenneth J. Doka, The College of New Rochelle; Senior Consultant, The Hospice Foundation of America 

"As a practicing physician and teacher, I recommend What Do We Tell the Children?"
̶ Scott Long, Yale University School of Medicine and Physician at The Connecticut Hospice

"This book is about the power of love and about overcoming our own anxiety, so that we can offer grieving children our compassionate presence and steady support as they create meaning in their own way and at their own pace.   
̶ Deborah van Deusen Hunsinger, Princeton Theological Seminary."

"Joseph Primo’s book should be given to every military household who has lost someone."
̶ Michael Anthony, Iraq War veteran and author of Mass Casualties: A Young Medic’s True Story of Death, Deception, and Dishonor in Iraq 

Forty Days: Help for Grief

There is a service  in the Greek Orthodox Church that occurs forty days after a person's death. Special food is prepared to eat after the service of remembrance.  My parents, who both died in mid-January, were recently honored.

I was telling a friend, who is familiar with the Greek Orthodox tradition about the  difficulty I was having dealing with their passing. She suggested that I begin my own forty-day period of reflection to deal with the emotions I was experiencing. She didn't tell me how to structure the time or what to do. I decided to commit to forty days of reflection, asking God to direct me daily.   got a notebook, numbering each day, including the date. I wrote a few words or sentences each night. Sometimes I wrote God questions, other times I recorded new insights or perspectives received. I wrote scripture; I wrote prayers. I drew simple pictures. I brought my heart completely to God.  

I am on day 37 of 40. I have reached a place of peace. I am so grateful.

I realized that '"forty days" occurs often in the Bible. Noah was in the ark 40 days. Jesus went to the wilderness forty days. Lent lasts 40 days. There are probably more.

I want to offer  forty days of reflection'for any difficulty or challenge you are facing.  Many pastors and families are anticipating change within the next few weeks with new church appointments. 'Forty days of preparation for the move or the first forty days in a new church might be a  helpful, intentional way of spending time with God, offering grounding in uncertainty, chaos, and adjustment.

Forty days could be effective  for discernment, dealing with any type of loss, celebrating an event, planting a garden or being present to anything life presents.  

I am thankful for the way a Greek Orthodox tradition has helped me along a difficult path. I told my friend today I felt like I had experienced two Lents this year, which also means I have experienced two Easters!!  Thanks be to God!

Jacquie Reed 

Fishers, Indiana

Grieving Far Away: Finding Comfort in the Body of Christ

My parents recently died four days apart. My mother died the afternoon of my father's funeral. Mike, my husband, and I were not far from Columbus, Ohio, were they lived, when I received the call about my mother. We continued home, had one day to cancel plans, notify jobs, and then return for the second funeral.

The visitation and funeral were during the week and out of state, too far for any friends to travel. I know how important being with those who have experienced loss is from years of sitting and spending time with persons during those early days of grief.

Mike and I sat through two services, one visitation, and two funeral dinners, knowing no one.The church and funeral homes were filled with people, who knew my folks and my brother, but not me. I left Columbus and moved away after graduating from Ohio State.

I asked God to help me see another perspective during the first funeral, my father's. I felt God with me in close companionship, but I longed to see a familiar face and receive a hug.The services were held at the Greek Orthodox Cathedral, which is the family denomination.The ladies of the church prepared a nice luncheon and then the heavens opened.

One by one, persons who were at the luncheon (which was open to anyone) came and said , "I am praying for you." "You are in my prayers." "What a difficult time to loose two parents so close together." I didn't know anyone, but I received God's presence from the sincerity and deep compassion. These people comforted me even thought I was a stranger.

I came away with a new perspective. In the body of Christ there is indeed communion and companionship even away from home when it is needed most.

Jacquie Reed

Fishers, Indiana

Caring for Veterans and Their Families

Millions of our men and women are veterans. Some of our pastors and their family members serve the military as well.Clergy families are not exempt.Some have been deployed (multiple times) to Iraq and Afghanistan recently, some are retired military, and some continue to serve in the Reserves. Over 6,600  warriors have died and will not return at all. More that 48,000 have sustained war injuries and 45,000 are returning with Purple Hearts. But all returning service members and their families will experience the challenge of re-entry as they leave the war zone and their buddies to return to a new normal.

As you may have heard in the media, there is a serious issue regarding veterans and suicide. War is not a spectator sport. It harms everyone involved, even those who are there to help. Yet, we are fortunate that our soldiers can come home to peace.

Churches are in a unique position to help. While Vet Centers are helpful (1-877-War-Vets; www.vetcenter.va.gov), they do not have the reach of churches. There are churches everywhere. If you want to help, contact our United Methodist Endorsing Agency at www.gbhem.org. They have some excellent resources and suggestions. Pastors and other caregivers can also need help. Often the helpers are the last to recognize their own struggles and needs.

What do our returning warriors need? Welcome, hospitality, a pat on the back, a listening ear, prayer; but also there's a good chance they will also need a job. There is also a good chance that they will return with some kind of injury (physical, emotional, relational, spiritual, and/or moral).

Here are a couple things any church can do: offer healing services, preach and teach about forgiveness, pray for them as part of the pastoral prayer. But here are also some things you don't want to say:
"How was the war?" "Did you kill anyone?" "Did you see anyone die?" "Were you scared?" "Did you lose buddies over there?" These questions are certainly not for casual conversation at the fellowship dinner.

There are literally tons of resources. If you need help finding them, let me know.

Grace, Kathy

Dealing with Deaths and Other Bad News

For anyone involved in a church, it's always difficult to hear bad news--this friend is newly diagnosed with cancer, this young parent was killed in a car accident, this youth died of a brain tumor, this couple is getting divorced, this person just was arrested on a trumped-up charge. But it is especially hard as a clergy family to hear all the bad news and often know the people personally. So it's not just "that person I see occasionally" but "that person who sings in choir with me" or "that kid who plays with my child in the preschool everyday."

So what do you do with all the bad news, personally? Recently a young father in our congregation was diagnosed with stage-4 cancer. One day he was planning to run in a marathon, and the next, he was in the hospital receiving 3 pints of blood.The story is tragic and seems all too often repeated these days. But for this man and his family, they are thankful that the cancer was discovered in time; and they are also thankful that they have their faith and church family to help. What they may not know is that their church family is grieving too and just getting over another tragic death in the congregation. But I also know that our congregation will not fail them and there are plenty of people to help.

But for those of us who see this sadness so often, it does take its toil. I am not talking about faith being tested, although there may be some of that. And while I am sad, I also have to keep things in perspective. And I have to find ways to balance the bad news with good news.

If I feel this way, I often wonder how our clergy spouses feel. Because they are usually directly involved. My involvement is direct sometimes but indirect other times. And I don't know about you, but my spouse does not tell me all that he knows about what people are going through. So pray for God to sustain your spouse and give him/her the grace to endure as they listen and minister to the sick, dying, bereaved, and suffering. Pray that there be sufficient joy and peace for effective ministry to prevail.

What do you, your family, and your spouse do to lighten the load of service and find the joy that God really intends for us all?

Grace, Kathy

What Do We Tell the Children about Death?

Need help to talk to kids about grief, death, and dying? Here is a link to a 30-minute radio broadcast with Joseph Primo, who is the Associate Executive Director of Good Grief, Inc. in Morristown, New Jersey and serves on the board of The National Alliance for Grieving Children..

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/notforprofitexchange/2012/12/18/not-for-profit-exchange

Quotes from the broadcast:

“We need to honor the feelings of every child even if they are uncomfortable for an adult to hear. After a death or tragedy, children are trying to make sense of the world in their own way. That is something we can facilitate, but it is not something we can force or mandate on a child, teenager, or adult. It is part of our unique grief process.”

“We need to make a paradigm shift from grief is messy . . . to grief is good and it serves a purpose for children . . . their reactions are leading them towards healing.”

“We can take a break from the media. We don’t have to consume all the news . . . taking care of ourselves is not disrespectful."

Not an easy time for anyone.

Grace, Kathy

Six “T’s” for Helping Kids through Trauma

Today, an unspeakable tragedy took place at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Fox News reports that 26 people are dead; 20 of the victims are elementary age children. It's horrifying, mind-boggling and surreal—an unspeakable evil and every parent’s nightmare. Pray for the families of the victims and the entire community of Newtown during this confusing and desperate time. Around the dinner table tonight, there will be many conversations about why tragedies like this happen... and questions from kids about whether or not they're safe, especially at school. As one mother on the scene put it, "I'm in a state of shock. I don’t know how I'm going to handle having [my daughter] know... about the whole situation." Trauma is best understood as any event that shatters our sense of safety. Immediately, one can become hyper vigilant—overly sensitive and set on emotional alert. Fear rules, especially in kids. The pictures online screamed of the horror. In these moments, children need adults who are attuned to their emotions and tender to their needs. Six "T's" for Helping Kids through Trauma Togetherness. This is a night where your kids need to have you close. They need to know they're safe. Pull in together as a family. Pray together. Be together. The antidote to trauma is safe, loving relationships. Coddle your children a little bit more. Stay in close proximity to them, particularly if they’re anxious or afraid. Touch and Tenderness. Touch is an expression of affection that reinforces proximity and closeness. It produces a calming affect. Fear makes our minds race and wander, but tender touch dispels it. Hold a hand. Stroke your children's hair. Let them sit in your lap. Wrap your arms around them. Kiss them. Be present emotionally. If they’re acting out a little bit with anger, rebellion or defiance, it very well could be a fear response. Be sensitive to their behavior. Talk. The questions will come: "Will a shooter come to my school?" "Why did he hurt those kids?" Be present, sensitive, and don’t offer pat answers. Engage them in age-appropriate discussion. Contrary to what many of us believe, talk doesn't perpetuate anxiety—it helps to reduce it. Avoid graphic details, but don’t skirt around the issue. Become a safe place for them to bring their questions. Truth. Fears of the unknown can paralyze us. Anchor their hearts in truths like, "Not everyone in the world is bad. You're safe now. God loves us and is close to us." Remember, our kids absorb us. Your mood, thoughts, and actions directly influence theirs. These truths flow through you–Mom and/or Dad. Share the promises of God's Word with your kids. Pray for, and with, them. Triggers. Someone screaming. A door slamming. A siren. What children experience or see on the news can deeply affect them. Don't let your kids get overdosed with the news stories and all the gory details. This can lead to nightmares, excessive bouts of crying, deepening fear, and not wanting to attend school. Be attuned to your children. Don’t react to their emotions, respond lovingly. Time. Don't rush or ignore this process. Over the next several days, we will all be flooded with information about the shooting. Keep your life as normal as possible. Sameness and routine reinforce the message of safety for your kids. Your family stability over time will help dispel their fears. Our children are not immune to the darkness and brokenness of our world. We may think that if we ignore this incident, our kids won’t know about it or feel the impact. Nothing could be further from the truth! Our kids need parents and teachers—those who have influence in their lives—to be emotionally present and invested, especially in moments like these. Rev. Dr. Mark Crear is founder and president of Mark Crear Ministries. He is a minister, author, Christian counselor/trainer/speaker and Olympian. Mark is Chair of the Black American Association of Christian Counselors and Director of Counseling for The Family Church International. info@markcrear.com.

A Star Still Shines

Periodically, I  purchase a caffeine free diet Coke when I get gasoline. Today when I paid for my drink, the familiar clerk asked, "How are you today?"

"I am doing well.  I don't think anyone can complain after yesterday." I replied.

"Yes, yesterday was such a beautiful day." the clerk answered.

I stopped for a moment, depositing my change, and thought, his perspective is clearly  different from mine. I  expected a comment related to the horrific school shootings, but his perspective was the great sunny day in mid-December with temperatures near 50, which is unusual in Indiana.

Perhaps the shootings were extra close to my heart because my oldest daughter is an elementary school teacher in Colorado. I know how passionate she is about teaching and how dearly she loves her students. I texted her immediately when I heard about the tragedy and she texted back how hard the day was , so far away from the school in Connecticut, but so close in circumstance.

Perspective influences how we respond to such events. I noticed in news clips toward the evening that several churches in the small Connecticut town were having services so that people could come together, to mourn and look to God for compassion, love, and companionship that will be needed in the days, weeks, months and even years ahead. The Fishers United Methodist church was open from 7-9 Friday night with one of the pastors available for discussion and prayer.  

Looking to God, not necessarily for answers to unanswerable questions, but for comfort and strength to work through the shock and horror of events that happen far too often, is the only way to walk through the varied emotions and deep grief present in families who suffer loss.  

Tomorrow will be the third Sunday in Advent -- the image that is with me today is the star over the stable -- we might name our stable, but the bright star that was so clear that night, still beckons all to come, to come to the one is life, and light, and love.

Let everyone pray not only for families touched in any way by the shootings at the school, but for all priests, pastors, rabbis, and other religious leaders who will offer care to these individuals.

Jacquie Reed 

Fishers, Indiana

How Can This Be?

How many times in life do we say or hear someone else say, "How can this be?"

My friend who lost in-vitro twins at 23 weeks cried, "How can this be. I ate right, took care of myself. We prayed for God to care for these babies. How can this be?"
A neighbor whose 35 year-old sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer told me, "How can this be? She is so young, exercises and lives a healthy lifestyle? How can this be?"

Far too many times the words, "How can this be?" bring together thoughts of something unfair, unexpected, undeserved.

The angel came to Mary, explaining that she was chosen to carry God's son. Mary replied, "How can this be?"

Mary surely was not expecting a declaration from an angel. Her confusion is recorded, "Mary was deeply troubled by the angel's message, and wondered what the words meant." The angel explained further God's mission. Eventually Mary replied, "I am the Lord's servant, may it happen to me as you have said."

We can tap the angel's words when situations in which we say, "How can this be?" occur to us or to those we love. First the angel said, "Peace to you. The Lord is with you." Knowing that we are never alone, that God is always present, is solid grounding for whatever happens in life. The angel reminded Mary that God was with her. We can remember the angel's words that God is with us.

Second, the angel tells Mary not to be afraid. Fear is an unwelcome part of any unexpected event--fear about a diagnosis of cancer: what will happen next--fear when a job is lost: where will I get money to pay bills? Practices that deepen one's connection to God can sustain when fear is present but perseverance is needed.

Third, when the angel explained that Elizabeth, Mary's cousin, was also pregnant. The angel concluded, "There is nothing that God cannot do." These words offer hope. Hope that peace will come. Hope that persons saying "How can this be?" will find light in darkest circumstances.

So when we say "How can this be?" during trying times, we can rest in the angel's words to Mary: "The Lord is with you. Do not be afraid. There is nothing that God cannot do."

God is present; God is hope. God's love can sustain us through the darkest night.

Jacquie Reed
Fishers, Indiana

Ever Present Help in Times of Trouble

As spouses of pastors, we see the worst and best of the Church. On Saturday, I saw our church come together and truly be the body of Christ.

On that day, the church held funeral services for a young girl, who had bravely fought cancer for over a year. Because she and her family have been active members of the church, school, and community, my husband knew that there would be many youth who had never attended a funeral and many adults who don't attend church anywhere. We would need to be especially sensitive and offer extravagant generosity.

In addition to the sanctuary where the casket would be, some folks pitched in and hooked up the gym with streaming video for the overflow crowd. As we stood, greeted, and directed people, I was proud how everyone helped, even without being asked. People brought food for the guests and food for the family afterward. Several people took up posts with sound and video. One person saw that no one had put a reserved sign on some of the pews for the family, so he quietly went about getting it done. The day was filled with quite acts of service, not out of obligation but Christian love for the family.

It's often said that the church can be good in a crisis, but over the long term people tire and fall away. Yes, our compassion wears out and we want to move on to the next thing, or even the crises in our own lives. But in cases like this, when your friends lose a child, we will have to continue to stand by for a very long time. It is also why the church is a body of believers. We can't survive or serve alone.

So it was a sad and difficult day, despite the fact that we did celebrate this young joyful life. And there will be bright days ahead, but for now, we will walk beside our friends as they journey through their grief. God, grant us all the grace to endure.

Grace, Kathy

Living in the Midst of Grief in Your Congregation

One of the great privileges of being an integral part of congregational life is the fact that clergy and clergy families are close to many people we wouldn't know well otherwise. We often have unique access to families during formative times. For example, it's not unusual to find clergy and spouse at wedding rehearsal dinners, at family celebrations of birth and baptism, or even to be invited to dinner just because the family wants to host the pastor and his/her family. Over the years, our family has been blessed by many of these relationships that sometimes last well beyond our going to another church.

And it is a privilege to be there when people really need a helping hand--to be called upon to give, not out of duty but out of friendship. In my Sunday School class there is a couple who is going through a very rough time. Their young daughter is seriously ill. Yesterday, the mother ran into our class late, because her daughter wanted to come to church. The daughter has been disfigured because of recent surgery. While she knows she will be made fun of when she goes back to school, she wanted to come to church to be with her youth group friends, whom she knew would embrace her with love and support. The mother came into our class to let us know "the latest" and for prayer. As we stood around her, several said that we expect to be called upon to transport the other kids, mow the lawn, cook some meals. It was more than, "Please call us if you need anything." It was more like, "I'll be over next week with food, and I'll be there to do some lawn care. Don't worry."

Fortunately, I was late for choir, which meant that I had to leave quickly, because I was beginning to tear-up--as was everyone else.

As clergy families, we sometimes glimpse of the Kingdom of God, when people truly behave like the Body of Christ. But grief and sorrow are things we live with daily. There are just so many hurting people. With so much tragedy, we must be sure to laugh and celebrate whenever possible. God loves a cheerful giver.

Grace, Kathy

When the One You Love Is Gone

My mother died the day before yesterday. It still seems such an odd thing to say--so final, matter of fact, and ordinary. But my mother was never ordinary. That was her gift and her burden. As a pastor's spouse, I have been with many grieving people. And although I experienced the death of my dad a few years ago, I guess we never get used to it.

I've never been one for ritual. Even in church, I tend to think of ritual as an excuse not to truly engage and do something more meaningful. But I have to say that for me, going through the rituals associated with loss of a loved one have been helpful.

The rituals of people bringing food, offering condolences, sending cards and flowers. But also the rituals associated with visitation and the funeral service. All these have been comforting and needed. And I appreciate them in a new way.

I also have an increased gratitude for life itself and the gift of Christian community. While I walk in grief it helps to know that there is a well-traveled path toward healing.

Grace, Kathy